STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Maddie · Coach

RE: Staying at home vs. working at a job

halleybird · Hermes

Maddie wrote:

I can't imagine not working. Not that it's not the best choice for other people but I would seriously watch TV all day long. I would do absolutely nothing. I'm sure of it. And I think I would end up fat and depressed. I'm horrible at cooking, cleaning, etc and I'm inherently lazy. Also I think if I had kids I would just die if I had to stay home with them all day.

Maddie, I totally agree with all of this. I am off for 2.5 months a year (June - mid-August), and I am a total and complete slug. I thought it would change after the first summer, but it didn't. During the first week or two of vacation, I go absolutely and totally stir-crazy. I clean everything I can find, I rearrange my bookshelves, I wash my dogs and my entire collection of linens. Then a change happens, and I get in my new routine: sleeping until 11, watching TV for a couple of hours, then reading, eating lunch, and poking around online. Once a week I'd clean. That's it. For the whole two months. I usually feel disgusted with myself, because at the beginning of the summer I have so many plans, i.e. "I will take the dogs to the park every day," "I will learn to cook," etc. and I never do. I just don't know how some of you do it...and I mean that as a total compliment.

This summer, I am going to work part-time and hopefully take classes. Although there are some days (OK, many days) when I feel like my job is sucking the life out of me, I still feel much more accomplished and worthwhile when I am working. I think I am just one of those people who needs the structure.

If I ever have kids, I'd like to work part-time -- maybe teach 3 classes in the middle of the day, or teach college 1-2 times per week. I think SAHMs are saints, because I would go crazy without adult interaction all day.

The bottom line is, as long as you feel like you are contributing to the human race -- whether it's by taking care of kids, or working, or keeping your home together, or getting an education -- then you're doing just fine.

bumblebee · Coach

yeah, i don't totally agree with the idea that we are obligated to have outside-the-home jobs now, just because the previous generation fought so hard for us to have the right to work. i think what they were fighting for was our right to choose whether or not we wanted to work outside our homes. if we now feel that we have to work because otherwise we would be subverting feminism's gains, then we're still oppressed and still powerless to choose, it's just turned upside down.

i do think that the "power mom" having-it-all thing in the 80s really screwed some things up for us. that seems to me like the start of the struggle between having a job and being a mother/homemaker. it suddenly became not enough to do one or the other, and now i think it's much harder for women to choose, because they are inevitably held to a standard that is near impossible to meet. if you choose to have a career, you have to bust yourself when you get home to show that you aren't neglecting your home/children/husband, whatever. and if you focus on those things, some people will say that you aren't being ambitious enough if you don't have a "real" job. i think it sucks that women have gotten themselves stuck in this trap, but i don't think much is going to change until our country (and the prevailing customs within it) cut us some slack and/or give us some support (like more part-time work options, child-care subsidies, etc. like in other countries). ok, norma rae stepping down from soapbox now.

laken1 · Hermes

So many things I want to address....where to start...
money / power thing - does it matter? When I first started staying home we put pen to paper & figured out what it would cost my DH if he was single to hire a maid, a cook, someone to do the errands at a minimal figure, and it would cost him a bundle. I think I have more power than he does because he KNOWS I can make the money if I want to but I chose to do things for our home & our relationship & our life rather than work a job outside of my house. He really appreciates it. And if he didn't, I wouldn't do it. Different things motivate different people & while money is nice, I'd rather get recognition for a job well done & appreciation for what I do. And I get that. He values what I contribute & he is dependent on me for those things. And I think that is a noble purpose to care for your home & family & most of all SELF, rather that is having an outside job or not, whatever you have to do to make yourself happy.

It definately has changed the dynamics between myself, my "old" friends & my family. I feel that they don't respect me as much. When they call & leave messages it's like "must be something good on oprah today" or some such shit. Then I remind myself that part of my transition has been to worry more about what is best for me & not do what I need to for the people pleaser in me. I also think that most of them are jealous & would trade places in a second. I also remind myself that they in general don't like their jobs & do it for the check & run themselves ragged all for what? That's just my opinion though.

Someone mentioned(maybe in the other thread) about women losing their identities by staying home. I lost my identity when I was working. I was trying to be ms. corporate america, project a proper banker image, drive the right car, live in the right neighborhood, belong to the right groups, go to the right functions, hob nob with the right people. How can you be yourself when you are doing that? Maybe some people can, but it's just not me. So for me now I can pursue other things that I didn't even know were important to me because I just didn't have time to pursue them!

Maybe I'm consumed with this issue because I'm scared of what kind of person I'd be without a job to call my purpose everyday. Hmmm... something to think about.

This was a HUGE issue for me. I went through a really big identity crisis because i was what I did, that is the stamp that I had on myself & most people around me had on me. I had to take a good hard look at why I was doing what I was doing & search to see what I really really wanted out of life. What I decided is that I want it to be fulfilling, but I define that, I don't let everyone else dictate what makes me fulfilled. I want to have fun & be happy....man I got so much shit for that one from nearly everyone except my DH! Life isn't fun...uh, yes it is. And I have set out to prove it.

As far as representing women in the workplace...yeah, well, I'm not going to be unhappy for that purpose. Part of the feminist movement was so women had the ability to chose their path. Right?
And while i've been making my point I forget that I actually am working 3 days a week from home - which doesn't make me "visable" so does it not count because no one knows/ cares but me & my fun money account. And I don't want to be visable cause I'm in my pjs....

Interesting topic. I love seeing everyone's responses. There is obviously no right or wrong answer.

-- Edited by laken1 at 18:55, 2006-02-15

-- Edited by laken1 at 19:32, 2006-02-15

luckylily · Gucci

laken1 wrote:

I feel that they don't respect me as much. When they call & leave messages it's like "must be something good on oprah today" or some such shit.

OMG! That is so rude.

It is very cool that your husband sees the value in being at home. When my husband first moved to the U.S. it took about a year before his work Visa was approved. (That isn't typical, he moved right before 9/11, which brought Immigration to a complete halt for awhile.) I absolutely loved the fact that he did everything. I didn't cook a meal, scoop a litter box, or do a single domestic chore the whole time. It was so great. I was often asked during that time if I was jealous that he wasn't working, and it was hard to convince some that there was so much value in having someone do all those things. Maybe it seemed weird because he's a man. I dunno. Anyway, I often wish he still worked part time so that I could do less chores.

Elle · Hermes

bumblebee wrote:

yeah, i don't totally agree with the idea that we are obligated to have outside-the-home jobs now, just because the previous generation fought so hard for us to have the right to work. i think what they were fighting for was our right to choose whether or not we wanted to work outside our homes. if we now feel that we have to work because otherwise we would be subverting feminism's gains, then we're still oppressed and still powerless to choose, it's just turned upside down. i do think that the "power mom" having-it-all thing in the 80s really screwed some things up for us. that seems to me like the start of the struggle between having a job and being a mother/homemaker. it suddenly became not enough to do one or the other, and now i think it's much harder for women to choose, because they are inevitably held to a standard that is near impossible to meet. if you choose to have a career, you have to bust yourself when you get home to show that you aren't neglecting your home/children/husband, whatever. and if you focus on those things, some people will say that you aren't being ambitious enough if you don't have a "real" job. i think it sucks that women have gotten themselves stuck in this trap, but i don't think much is going to change until our country (and the prevailing customs within it) cut us some slack and/or give us some support (like more part-time work options, child-care subsidies, etc. like in other countries). ok, norma rae stepping down from soapbox now.

Yes. This is exactly how I feel. You summed it up perfectly!

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

bumblebee wrote:

i think it sucks that women have gotten themselves stuck in this trap, but i don't think much is going to change until our country (and the prevailing customs within it) cut us some slack and/or give us some support (like more part-time work options, child-care subsidies, etc. like in other countries). ok, norma rae stepping down from soapbox now.

Amen. I was going to write about this too! I think it gets to the heart of the career/family dilemma. We as a society need so badly for things to change.

I've always been very achievement-focused: school, college, etc., and work is the logical continuation of that focus for me. After a couple of years figuring out what I wanted to do for a career, I found something I really loved, that I can see as a lifelong career, so I've been in school for that profession for the past three years. I'm now going slightly insane from all the school and am yearning to start working again--and for the first time ever, I'll be working in a field that really matters to me and that I really care about. I hope I'll always have that feeling about it, but things may be different once the initial euphoria wears off.

As far as I can tell, I'll always be really interested in a career. In theory, at least, I like the challenges, the social interaction, the structure, and the achievements. But then again, my building regs professor told us today for the 12th time to forget about this interior design stuff and just flip houses for a living, so maybe all that stuff I just wrote about above is a fizzy daydream and I'll end up hating my interior design job as much as I hate my law firm job.

But if I ever have children, working part-time would be the ideal thing for me. I think I'd need the balance. I'd want to spend more time with my children than I could if I worked full-time, but would also want to stay involved in the professional world for all the reasons that I mentioned above, and because I think it would help keep open the possibility for me to go back to work full-time once I felt the kids were old enough.

ETA: I should have said, one thing I won't do is stay in a job that regularly requires long hours. I've already wasted a lot of weekends and a lot of nights just in my five law firm years, and I absolutely hate it. And that's while I've been single. I could NEVER endure it for any length of time--whatever I could hope to gain just wouldn't be worth it to me. So many of the lawyers I work with routinely work 60, 70, 80 hours a week, and I just don't understand how their relationships survive. Some of them don't. It's a very personal decision for everyone, but I will never ever prioritize a job over relationship and family.

-- Edited by sephorablue at 19:31, 2006-02-15

honey · Gucci

i've gone back & forth on this issue a couple of times, but feel confident in where i am now. i grew up in a family where both my parents worked. there were definitely times where i resented it and wished my mom could stay at home. i think a large part of this was due to the fact that i lived in area where all the other moms where sahm moms so there was an element of peer pressure. it was like well why isn't your mom at drill team practice like all the other moms.

on a side note, and i know the poster probably didn't necessarily mean it that way, but i take issue with the general assumption that sahm moms (or dads) raise better children. to be an ass for a second, i have stellar credentials and think i'm a pretty good person, and both my parents worked. so i don't really think that really plays any role in how your kids turn out.

i think there are two explanations. one -- i think that society kinds of sells us this idea that you're supposed to have a career. not that there's anything wrong with that, but i feel like a lot of people focus solely on careers as an end all be all. in a perfect world we'd all be able to turn our passions into careers. but the world is not perfect. i think a lot of people get so focused on defining themselves by what they do and forget that for a lot of people it's simply a means to end, being able to support the things you love doing. not that everyone should subscribe to this view, but i personally think that a lot of people forget that your job is just one part of who you, regardless of wether you "work" at home by being a sahm mom, or are in a more traditional career path.

secondly, i think it boils down to personality. i'm the antithesis of a homebody. i *hate* staying home, and it has nothing to do with not liking cooking or cleaning. i don't mind those things at all, but that's b/c i view them as necessities. i clean b/c i hate coming home to a dirty house. i'm the type of person who loathes staying home for extended periods of time. i just find it boring and not very stimulating especially when there's a whole world out there for me to explore. so i don't think i could ever be a sahm mom for a really long time b/c i'd get bored. to go back to my perfect honey created world, ideally when/if i have kids i would have a daycare in my office where i'd drop them off. i'd still be in close proximity to them. (as an addendum i realize that being a sahm mom is hard work, so i'm not saying that to detract from what sahm moms do.) i need outside stimulation...many times i drag myself to work simply b/c at least when i'm there i get to talk to my co-workers.

eta: i guess this would be reason 3, but i think a lot of the dissatisfaction comes from the fact that many women are expected to work full time and keep house. that to me is bs. if we both contribute to the income both my future hubby and i will contribute to running a good home.

-- Edited by honey at 21:00, 2006-02-15

Cortney1982 · Chanel

Wow! Everyone has LOTS to say! It all depends on your job I guess. Sure if I had a fun job and got paid well I would rather be making dough out in the work force instead of at home!

This past week I had 6 days off from work in a row. I was much happier and less stressed being able to stay home (well, I don't have children). I was able to get LOTS of stuff done at home and wasn't worn out at the end of the day.

Today when I go to work we start the day with a meeting. We were told if we were caught not smiling in front of our customers we would be sent home! Bring it on! They treat us like shit and pay us horribly, I would have liked to be sent home.

travelgirl · Kate Spade

I feel like I have the best of both worlds because I work a "flextime" job. I was sooo lucky to find a job like I have with a great company. The way it works for me is that I work 5 days a week for 10 weeks a year, 4 days a week in the spring/fall, and 3 days a week in the summer (well, technically from April to August). The best part is that I make my own schedule and can decide which days I want to work each week. It is perfect for a mom with three kids, like myself. If one of the kids gets sick, I just take the day off. It is nice. I really wish more companies would do the flextime thing!

I did have to take a bit of a pay cut when I started this job two years ago and that is the downside. I also "work from home" which really means I am at home 10% of the time and in my car or in stores 90% of the time. I like the fact that my boss is five states away and I can pick and choose my own schedule. I had to pay my dues to get here though. For 6 years travelled 75% of the time as a luggage/watch sales rep. I covered as many as 8 states at a time. I sacrificed a LOT when I was working in this capacity. I missed my 10th anniversary because my flight was cancelled, I got stuck in Chicago on Sept. 11-alone, stranded and 6-months pregnant, I missed a few school functions. That being said, I appreciate what I have now so much after having gone through all that.

There used to be a part of me that resented not "being able" to stay home with my kids. The reality though, was that I have always needed to work. My husband and I have tons of school loans and have had to work for every cent we have. I would see moms at the mall playing with their kids and secretly get jealous and depressed. While pregnant with my third child I would actually have panic attacks about having to go back to work. I think most of my worries stemmed from all the travel I had to do. It was exhausting to be in three cities during the day and then try to fly home only to be handed a screaming baby who would be up all night.

I finally changed my attitude after the third child was born. I just decided if I had to work I would make the best of it. I found the job I have now and things have been great. Now, I just travel two nights a month and I look sooo forward to those two nights. I met another rep (who used to be my competitor whe I repped watches) and both of us have kids so we decided to meet once a month, stay at the same hotel, and shop and go to dinner. We have a blast! Both of us used to be sooo jealous of those stay at home moms who, when asked what they do for a living, would say, "i'm fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom". We now say right back, "I'm fortunate enough to a have a job that I love"!

I think the key is to find something that doesn't "feel" like work. My job is a joy. I look forward to going back to work every Monday. At the same time, I look forward to every Friday that I am off too! It's a good balance for me. I urge others to negotiate a flextime schedule with their employer if it makes sense!

-- Edited by travelgirl at 23:46, 2006-02-15

kittenheels · Coach

This is a really interesting discussion. I think about it a lot, as do my friends from work and law school. Most of us are working pretty crazy hours right now at big law firms where we don't have a lot of female role models in terms of balancing work and family. (The balance is that women who stay on partner track seem to need to place their job first, and those that don't do that leave).

Here are my very disjointed thoughts after a very long day:

My mother was a stay at home mom and I am very thankful for that. However, I did get the sense that by doing that for as long as she did, she never recovered in terms of her career, and her job now is definitely not as exciting or challenging as she would like.

One of the things I worry about periodically (and am perhaps paranoid - since I live in the land of the broken marriage) is being able to take care of myself and any children I might have. I don't think this is a good reason to work, but I do think it colors the choices a lot of people make. If you let a professional credential lapse, it is harder to get back into the workplace. With divorce such a reality for so many marriages

While I don't have children yet, I know that I would really like to spend a lot of time with them, and certainly wouldn't want to work as much as I do now. I think I would always want to work a little though. There are many downsides to practicing at a big law firm, but I generally enjoy the work I do and find it interesting.

It's funny, because my husband and I were talking about this exact issue last night. We were thinking how funny it was that we were eating our first meal together on a weeknight in about a month. And wondering whether the things we do are worth it. On the one hand, we are able to buy a condo, take trips, and really save a lot for retirement. On the other hand, we don't see each other much at all. So, we've sort of set ourselves a deadline to downscale a bit, so we can still have exciting careers but prioritze the relationship.

At my office there are so many people whose relationships take the backburner. I can't imagine doing that for the rest of my career!

Renee · Kenneth Cole

I am in graduate school and have been working/studying for years. I cannot imagine my life without work, without teaching especially, because it is so immensely satisfying, and also without research/analysis/an opportunity to engage my brain. I get more things done if I have a full agenda. And since I'm not big on "living it up", I am perfectly happy with the amount of life I have. I was always very ambitious - didn't want a high-powered job per se, but decided I wanted to become a professor since I was, uhm, 15 or so - and have been working towards that goal for the last 9 years (college + grad school). If I won't find a job in academia, I will look for work which will stretch the same analytical muscles, and would probably add some teaching on the side.

When we first thought about having children, we discussed staying at home vs working. BTW, our moms were career women and I think both of us came out fine It was quite clear that I would be very unhappy and even depressed staying at home on a regular basis; my husband, on the other hand, enjoys staying at home. Moreover, he never enjoyed working per se as much as I do. Therefore, an obvious solution - if nothing else can be arranged, hubby will either stay at home or work half time and watch over the kid(s), while I work full time.

When I was growing up, my parents often took me with them to work. I spent hours in mom's architectural office or dad's studio. When my brother was little, my father would take him to his studio (he was too hyperactive for mom's workplace). My dad would often give him a huge piece of wooden board and a hand drill, and my brother would amuse himself drilling holes in the wood. It does not sound safe, but it was - he never cut or drilled himself (unlike at home, where he wreaked havoc with two to three grown-ups watching over him at all times). Having working parents was fun. I hope that my child(ren) will have as much fun coming to campus with me.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

first of all, everything's negotiable seriously, i don't believe in limits. the trick seems to be figuring out what works for you. and it's certainly true that our society has ridiculous expectations and ridiculous limitations at the same time, especially for women. so at some point, a woman has got to listen to the voice inside her as opposed to everyone else's and just do what she thinks is best. and if that doesn't work, try something different. i think the fatal flaw is when people let themselves get pigeonholed. like when people think i'm going to be a lawyer forever just because i went to law school for it. hello, i'm only 28 years old! i want to fall in love, get married, have babies, write and actually get something published (how fabulous would that be?!), help people, seriously make a major impact in the lives that i touch, but silly stuff too like i want learn to dance like they do on "dancing w/ the stars", and read a million more books, travel the world, volunteer at the childrens' hospital like i've been meaning to do forever, the list goes on for miles! and since i only have one life, at some point something's gotta give. a girl's gotta prioritize, you know? the point is i have so many dreams! and who says i can't make them come true? nobody who knows me, that's for sure

ETA: for reference, during my childhood, for the most part, my mom didn't work. now she's a substitute teacher and loves it and i'm glad because i know she put her heart and soul into raising me and my brother and now that we're grown up, it's good to know she's not bored. oh and my dad's a professor. aside from raising me to know that i can do anything, they seriously stressed education. i guess that's why i can never think of school as a "waste." imo, the learning is the reward. but anyway, they're wonderful parents. when my dad was getting his PhD we didn't have any money at all (i think my mom had a part time job at the time) and i know that sometimes my mom thinks back and wishes she could've given me more, like cabbage patch dolls and stuff (they were so expensive back then!). but i think all parents feel guilty about something. so for working parents, they may feel guilty about being at work. but i think that there are good parents who work and good parents who don't and good parents with money and good parents without. at the end of the day, i think it's their intent and actions that matter more than their circumstance. i think that's true of most things, actually.

-- Edited by esquiress at 03:44, 2006-02-16

NCshopper · Hermes

I don't know that I can sum up how I feel about working in negotiable vs. non-negotiable terms. It's more complicated for me than that.

For the most part, I enjoy working. I think like halleybird and Maddie, if I didn't work, I'd probably be very bored.

But, that being said, I feel like I was brought up all my life expected to work and expected to do great things. There's nothing wrong with that, but at the same time, I feel like if I don't work and don't use my degree and my education to its fullest and constantly move up the career ladder, then I'm putting it to waste. Which sucks, because ultimately I want to have kids and I think that to be the kind of mother I want to be, I'd have to scale back working big time. I want to be the kind of mom that makes breakfast for her kids and is always there for soccer games and can pick up the kids from school every day. To me, that's the non-negotiable and I'm just not sure how a job fits in with all that.

I guess I just feel like there are a lot of expectations on me to do well in a career. While that's fine for now, I'd like to have kids before I turn 30 and I just don't know how it's all going to work. Ugh. It's depressing to think about, actually.

Bastet · Kate Spade

This is something I've struggled with, too. Not the choice of SAHM vs. career, but the fact that I will not become a SAHM, and I know I will probably feel terribly guilty about it because my own mother expects me to become a SAHM. I would like to be able to stay home for maybe a year to take care of a baby, but I think anything longer than that would make me snap. I feel very strongly that I would be a terrible SAHM because of my personality and because of how I feel it affected my mom. I love her to death, but if I had her life, I would be unhappy. I feel awful saying it, but it's true.

bumblebee wrote:

she's not confident in her abilities enough to go get a job at this point (even a fun volunteer job), and so out of touch with the real world that it's actually kind of sad.

This sounds remarkably like my mom. She became a SAHM and never went back to work or took up a hobby to get her out of the house. I had a wonderful childhood, she was always there for me, etc., but I was the center of her universe and after I grew up, she didn't have much else. I think her focusing *everything* on me also made her a little paranoid. She worried about me constantly, and still does to an abnormal extent, I think. I susect that all moms always worry, but I think she takes it to the next leve. I'm 27 now and haven't lived at home since I went away to college. Mom is very out of touch with reality because she doesn't get out and only ever talks to my dad, me, and her brother. She tends to believe nearly everything she sees on the news or reads in the paper. She has no idea how to use a computer. I think she's very isolated.

I don't see how she can be happy now. She has no hobbies, no volunteer activities, no friends to go spend time with, etc. She's just home all day. She runs errands, like grocery shopping, and goes to the mall to shop, but she's always by herself. I live 30 mins away, so I can see her when I'm not at work, but other than that, I don't know what she has. I think that if she hadn't become a permanent SAHM, this wouldn't have happened.

She tried to raise me to think that I'd have a career and then stop working until my kids were in high school. For as far back as I can remember, I always resisted her attempts to make me agree with that kind of plan for my life. My mom subscribes to a lot of gender roles, which I have always opposed, partially because of how I think they affected my mom. She sees domestic duties as a woman's job, even if both spouses work, because she thinks men can't do them as well. She doesn't think men can raise children. My dad never tried to reinforce these beliefs. He still tries to do some of the housework! Mom's behavior is entirely self-imposed.

There is no way I could ever be a SAHM. I could do maternity leave, maybe even take a year off if I knew I could get my job back. I'd be terrified of losing my identity, of losing touch with the world, of becoming completely isolated. I also think that me becoming a SAHM for an extended peroid of time would hurt my relationship with Hubby. It's my own flaw to deal with, but I think I would be jealous that he got to put on nice clothes and go out into the world while I got to stay home, most likely bored to tears if I'm home with a baby. Thankfully, I'm considering staying with the government instead of going to the private sector. A lot of agencies allow people to telecommute, which is something I could do, becuase it would allow me to work, and stay home if I had a kid. But, after a while, I would want to go back to the office a few days a week or find a volunteer activitiy to do.

I *hate* being isolated from other people. Because of how I see my mom, I perceive being a SAHM as the ultimate in isolation: seeing only Hubby and my kid would make my world very small, and I think that would make me extremely unhappy.

Ok, that was a small dissertation. Whew!

fafa · Nine West

I am a stay at home mom, and I love it. I also work really hard. Raising children takes energy, patience and compassion. I am working literally all day long. besides providing for my childs basic needs I am also responsible for exposing her to different activities, cultures and ideas. I also have a fabulous group of friends we meet once a week for a class be it baby sign language, yoga, cooking ect and then have a playdate on the other weeks. I don't feel isolated at all I feel that my life is wonderful and full. I see raising children as much a job as any other. I am blessed to have a husband who financially provides us with a fabulous lifestyle as he is bessed to have me raising our babies. We have so many activities and fun things that I don't feel bored.

Sunshinegirl · Kate Spade

I've been too busy at my job to read these post till now. This is a really great thread.

I would love to be what i call a "lady of leisure". I would never get up before 7 am; i would have a great morning run, followed by coffee on my deck outside while i was pulling a few weeds; followed by yoga and some meditation. Then, clean up, run a few errands, make preparations for a fantastic dinner (because "date night" would be every night), take my kayak out for a spin, take a walk on the beach, and then read or pursue some of the topics /interest that i currently do not have time to pursue.

I would fill my days with things that i love to do that is so frantically now try to squeeze in. I'm 37 and have been working non-stop since i was 15. I'm ready to quit. I'm hoping in the next five years i can make this happen.

I have friends that define themselves by their jobs/careers and I define myself by what i do outside my job. Either way is OK it just depends on the person.

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

I think I would be bored at home.. I need to work to support my shopping habits. I would feel really guilty if DH supported me 100%.

It makes me feel really good to know that I am contributing to our bills/savings. I, personally, would feel really worthless if I wasn't working.

Sometimes I think I might leave Corporate America in 10 years of so (when we are ready for kids). I would like to someday become a personal trainer, with a more flexible schedule. But I dont think I'll ever stay home full-time.

jj · Kate Spade

Sunshinegirl wrote:

I would love to be what i call a "lady of leisure". I would never get up before 7 am; i would have a great morning run, followed by coffee on my deck outside while i was pulling a few weeds; followed by yoga and some meditation. Then, clean up, run a few errands, make preparations for a fantastic dinner (because "date night" would be every night), take my kayak out for a spin, take a walk on the beach, and then read or pursue some of the topics /interest that i currently do not have time to pursue. I would fill my days with things that i love to do that is so frantically now try to squeeze in. I'm 37 and have been working non-stop since i was 15. I'm ready to quit.

I love this!! This is exactly how I feel and what I would do in an ideal world. I agree that you don't need a job to define you, and if I didn't work, I would structure my free time in different ways and have a schedule, like yoga, foreign language classes or art appreciation (I took a class at the Smithsonian and it was so fun!). And like fafa, if/when I am a stay-at-home mom, I would regularly participate in group activities with other moms like kindermusic or arts and crafts.

My DH and I talked about this last night, and even though my job isn't stressful, right now I just need a BREAK from the same day-in, day-out routine.

I also want to add that I have loved reading everyone else's responses. You have given me so much to think about that I hadn't realized before - thank you!!

blink · Coach

I kind of always expected to not have to work once I had kids. Actually, my husband was cool with that when we first discussed the possibility upon getting married. His mother divorced when he was young, then went to school, then worked all the time....the difference is, his grandmother and other family were able to care for him. That was how I was raised too, my parents were together, but both had to work, it was okay because I had two grandma's, one great grandma, and one aunt who were able to take care of my brother and I while mom was away.

My husband and I don't have that kind of family network here, since neither of us had to ever go to daycare, we didn't like the idea of having our own child go.

I will go back to work someday, but I will not work full time unless I am in a job that I feel is meaningful or if somehow my family is broken up and I have no choice. You never know... That's actually why I am back in school part time now. My son stays with a caregiver who lives on my street during that time.

Staying home with him can be boring, but I do love it overall and I used to hate going to my job even though it was decent. When it really bothers me is on the nights my husband has to work long hours, like month end or whatever.