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tara t


Marc Jacobs

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marriage & babies.
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since i'm getting hitched in the near future, i feel like everyone is asking me when i'm going to have a baby.  that seems to be the replacement question to the "when are you guys getting married?" question.


my response is usually "i'm not ready yet" 


and i get a look like i have 2 heads.  and they either say something like "you will never be ready"  or  "when are you going to be ready"  or worse  "you will be soon" 


i am not ready to have kids and i don't even want to think about it right now.


i'm wondering when the baby fever kicked in for you girls?  also, what the hell do i say to these people to shut them up?


 



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NCshopper


Hermes

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RE: marriage & babies.
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Geez, that's rude of people to ask that!  That's such a personal question. 


I've been married 2 years and rarely does anyone ask me about kids.  If they do, I just shrug my shoulders and say "I don't know.  Not any time soon" and drop it.  I don't think you owe anyone an explanation and I think offering an explanation only encourages their behavior.


In my gut I don't think people ask this to be rude or nosy or anything like that.  I think they ask because they're making conversation and because they're excited.  I've yet to have anyone ask me this and gotten a bad vibe about the reason for their question.  I think people just get curious and excited about the prospect of a baby for whatever reason and they put their own emotions ahead before they realize they're prying.



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FashionPrincess


Hermes

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Well, I always knew I wanted babies, but when me and my hubby first got married we decided we wanted to wait at least 5 years before trying.  There were two reasons for this, #1 we got married young (I was 20) and the most important was that we wanted time together, to enjoy just me and him and develop our marriage.  That is what I told everyone when they asked, that we wanted to wait for awhile.  And believe me I got asked that question a lot seeing as pretty much everyone I grew up with now has like 2-3 kids (some have 4!).

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jj


Kate Spade

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NCshopper wrote:

In my gut I don't think people ask this to be rude or nosy or anything like that.  I think they ask because they're making conversation and because they're excited.  I've yet to have anyone ask me this and gotten a bad vibe about the reason for their question.  I think people just get curious and excited about the prospect of a baby for whatever reason and they put their own emotions ahead before they realize they're prying.

I totally agree!  I firmly believe people don't realize how rude and nosy they sound.  Ugh!  The lack of social skills in America is frightening.


My husband and I are coming up on our four-year anniversary, and we've been together eight years (yikes!).  We've both started to get baby fever, but to be honest I am still scared as hell (mostly about being pregnant and giving birth).  We'll see, maybe it will happen in the next year or two.


But for now, just enjoy planning your wedding and laugh off those goofy people!



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laken1


Hermes

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I went through this A LOT while my sister was in her few years of pregnancy & little babies. I honestly would tell people that we are trying, it's a difficult subject & i'd rather not talk about it. Because seriously my goal was just to make them feel as uncomfortable as they were making me. Now I realize that's insensitive because of the people who are having issues becoming pregnant so I stopped saying that. Plus now that I've come to terms with the fact that I don't want any kids, that is what I tell people. They STILL try to talk me into it or look at me like I have 2 heads, or have a knowing look like "she will change her mind". Which is why i took to lying earlier!


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Drew


Gucci

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Tell them all -with a deadpan tone and straight face- that you are barren.  Watch them recoil then!

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Chloegirl


BCBG

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RE: marriage & babies.
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FashionPrincess wrote:
There were two reasons for this, #1 we got married young (I was 20) and the most important was that we wanted time together, to enjoy just me and him and develop our marriage.


This is exactly how I felt too. I got married two months before my 20th birthday. We've now been married five and a half years and I'm so glad we've had time to ourselves. I too got the "When are you having a baby?" question as soon as the marriage was a done deal and it hasn't stopped. I never realized until now--now that we're dealing with infertility--that it is a very rude question because you never know if someone is trying but can't. I'm sure the people that ask don't mean to be rude but, well, the questions aren't pleasant to deal with since we have been trying to have a baby for over two years now.

When I get asked this I just smile and shrug then change the subject. I'm too shy to say something to make them feel bad for asking and I don't want everyone I work with knowing all the details of my personal life (seeing as how it's usually other people in the office who ask me this) so I just keep quiet. But I wish I could come up with a great response that wouldn't give anything away and yet shut them up for good.

-- Edited by Chloegirl at 14:50, 2006-02-15

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luckylily


Gucci

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RE: marriage & babies.
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I think making a comment on wanting to spend time enjoying your marriage is a good one.  People really can't fault you for wanting to make sure you have a solid life and relationship before bringing children into the world.


My husband and I aren't having kids.  We've been married almost 5 years, and most people gave up asking after 2 or 3.  I don't mind people asking, I usually respond with "No, it just isn't for us."  When people say, "oh, you'll change your mind" w/ a smirk I want to give them a good kick in the shins tho. 



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Elle


Hermes

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RE: marriage & babies.
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People just Do. Not. Have. A. Clue!  Baaahhhh!


I've always wanted kids in an abstract way, but now we're making the transition to a place where it could happen in the near future if we should want it to happen.  I haven't gotten many "When are you having a baby?" questions (though I don't live near the people who I imagine I'd get that from the most), but we do get asked if we are going to have kids.  That's mostly from our friends, and it's because they themselves are thinking about it and not because they're prying per se.


When I do get asked when we're having a baby, I have some default answers I fall back on, depending on who the person is and the motivation behind the question.  They include:



  • Whenever/Someday
  • Is it alright with you if we get married first?
  • Why do you ask?
  • That's an interesting question!?!
  • As soon as I can kick this crack habit.
  • My pimp doesn't like babies.
  • As soon as you agree to pay for it!
  • We've tried but the police just keep busting us!
  • Why would we do a thing like that!?

I never answer seriously because like NCshopper I don't want to encourage them.  An offhand/obviously sarcastic response usually helps them realize that their question probably wasn't the most appropriate one.  I absolutely avoid 'soon' because I fear constantly being asked "Soooo?" for ever more and being watched like a hawk and therefore unable to hide it if/when it does happen.  I'd rather not have everyones noses all up in my business, how ever innocent it began.



-- Edited by Elle at 15:24, 2006-02-15

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rlutz


Chanel

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RE: marriage & babies.
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I will hav ebeen married for a year in May...Ithink my baby fever kicked in about 3 years ago when Brian and I had been dating for a while...Funny thing is that with my x-husband I never had the urget to have a bay or a family with him (I guess that should have been a sign that it was not going to work)

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bumblebee


Coach

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i love elle's funny responses.  i'd probably say "oh, i'm not ready to give up martinis yet!"


but seriously, i can't believe people ask you this and mean it--it's so rude!



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atlgirl


Gucci

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Hah. Wait until AFTER you are married. It's the conversational default. Ugh. So far, I've been married for five years, and no baby fever yet. And I might just never have it. I'm 38 and really don't feel strongly that I want children. I guess when I look old enough to not have them, the question will change to, "So, do you two have any children?". Actually, we get that fairly often now. I suppose it never ends...sorry to not be more encouraging, but it's kind of frustrating sometimes. Not *everyone* in the world wants to have kids, but it seems like *everyone* in the world expects you to.

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she_wears_pink


BCBG

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Most of the time, I think those kinds of questions are well-meaning.  Regardless, I'd just smile and say something along the lines of...I don't know but you'll be one of the first people to know when we do.



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hotcocoa


Kate Spade

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that question is so annoying.

my husband and i have one friend who managed to ask us that question each and every time he saw us after we were married. my response was, "i'll be sure and let you know when we're ready". of course, we were close friends so i laughed it off as i said it, which might not be such a simple response depending on who is asking.

my husband and i were married for 5 years before we had a baby. we never planned on having any children, but as time went on and we talked about it more and more, we really felt like it was something that we wanted to experience and share. it was a gradual process, there was no "baby fever" that suddenly hit.

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small fry


Chanel

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Elle you crack me up with your answers. After my husband and I got married people would ask us the same question. I would tell them "Were not" they would look at us like we are crazy and ask why not. I mean please its  none of their concern. Well for you  ladies I dont mind sharing the reason why not, First off I dont want to be pregrent again, dont get me wrong I loved it but I really dont want to go through the pain, bloating and living on the toliet everytime I drink something  Its another expense and its hard enough with just one child at home. Also I enjoy my son being this age he is more independent and can do  alot of things on his own.Dont get me wrong I would not trade those days for anything but it is best for us the way things are
 

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halleybird


Hermes

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I have been married for almost 2 years, dating for 10+, and I am still waiting for any sign of baby fever. I always wanted kids in theory, but I have a hard time imagining wanting them in real life. Every time I go to the mall, I come back swearing I will never have kids. (Side note: why are there always demon spawn at my mall? I know there are sweet, great kids out there, but I never run into them)



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