STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

blubirde · Chanel

Living Together?

Elle · Hermes

Maybe do a trial run? Like cohabitate for a week straight (ie he uses your apt as home base) and try to fit some 'normal duties' into that week - grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, going #2 , etc and see how it goes. Not perfect obviously since the initial living together period is pretty fun, but might be interesting to see how you both feel at the end of the week. "God! Go home already!" vs. "Why don't you just stay one more night?" ya know?

Oh, and I'd also consider talking about the division of labor. That way you could both vent your pet peeves upfront and maybe even kill the need for a couple of "We need to talk"s.

llegs · BCBG

Don't do it!!!!!! My high school sweetheart and I were together for 7 years and if there were one key thing that I would have done differently, it would without a question be living together. We were together for 3-4 years before we moved in. It was so nice at first, being able to fall asleep together and I loved playing wifey. But it gradually turned into the beginning of the end. Within a year and a half, the entire dynamic of our relationship had been altered and not for the better.

I really think there is something to be said about waiting for a commitment before taking the step to move in. Once you've made that lifelong vow, putting up with someone else's not-so-favorite habits, etc. is much more feasible when you know you're with them for life. (so I hear )

My ex moved in with his new girlfriend a few months into their relationship. We're still friends and I remember saying to him if he cared about the girl, don't do it. If you two are meant to be, moving in together at a later date isn't going to change anything. If you want to save on $$ - get a roomate, haha. We'll see what the future holds.

Hopefully, some of this makes sense. When I read your post I felt the need to put my two cents in. Having gone down that road myself before, I'd hate to see someone else lose out on a good thing.

NCshopper · Hermes

I'm all for living together. I think you and I are very similar in that we're very very independent people. Feeling suffocated was one of my biggest fears when my husband moved in with me when we were engaged, but honestly, it hasn't been too difficult to adapt. One thing we both have realized is that when we get home from work, we both need about a half hour just to decompress, de-stress, and chill out on our own before we feel very social. So we let each other do our thing for a little while before we make dinner together. At first I used to take it personally when he didn't want to hang out immediately after coming home, but the more we live together, the more I understand and feel the same need. So, I guess my point here is that you tend to adapt and get into a groove and figure this stuff out as things progress. Same thing goes on the weekends too--we do a fair amount of stuff together, but we also will do a few things on our own and it works out well for us.

I like Elle's idea of giving it a trial run. Try it out for a week and have his apartment be off limits to him for that week and see how it feels.

Also, and this is going to sound totally unromantic, but is there any sort of document that you can sign that would protect you financially if things don't work out? Kinda like a pre-nup but for non-married co-habitators? Just my two cents.

Anyway, I'm so happy that you've found someone. He sounds pretty darn good.

member · Hermes

Do it, do it! Seriously - I moved in w/my boyfriend of 4 years about 1.5 years ago and we couldn't be happier. I agree w/NCShopper, I think things just tend to fall into place and you just begin to adapt to what the other one needs. We have never had an issue of one of us needing space and not being able to get it. To be honest, all the space the two of us thought we would need, sort of just disappeared. If I'm home, I love to hang out w/him and vice versa. But there are never any hard feelings if one of us wants to go out w/friends, etc. I really think you HAVE to live w/someone before you get married (if that's what you want), and even if you don't - why not..it's the next natural step. But you have to learn what it's like to live w/the person you plan on being with. It's truly the best thing I ever did and I have no regrets. Him and I have become a team and it's made me see him a whole new light. And he says the same thing about me. We really know eachother now - it is amazing how much more we know eachother now.

Now it wasn't all roses and sunshine when we first moved in together. Be prepared for the huge change it can bring when you first move in together. I remember the first few months we lived together, we fought a lot, and it was very stressful. I think it was just that we weren't used to always being together constantly like that. We got past it, but it was stressful.

We still get our fights from time to time, but they are always pretty stupid and don't last very long. One thing I love is that before we lived together, if we had a fight, we would both go home and have to be upset and not be able to talk or work it out because someone wouldn't pick up their phone etc. Well living together, you are sort of forced to work it out. I can't tell you how many times we have gotten in a fight and 1 hour later we are laughing about it. I really think living together has taught us how to communicate. We do that so well - we talk about everything.

I think Elle's idea of a trial run is good to squash any uncertainty. As far as the financial stuff it it didn't work out - why not just split everything down the middle that you will share? Split the rent, utlities, etc. I don't think they'll be any issues if you aren't planning on having joint bank accounts or anything.

Good luck and let us know what you decide!

-- Edited by shopchicago33 at 19:16, 2006-02-06

-- Edited by shopchicago33 at 19:28, 2006-02-06

shopgirl82 · Chanel

here's my story/advice:

i moved to chicago and moved in with my bf temporarily. he wanted me to get a REALLY good idea of the areas of the city before i settled on a place. well, it started out, i'd move out a month or two after i moved it (you know where this is going) so that i could furnish my own apt. then it changed to may (about 8 months after i moved in), because, well, he was traveling for work, i should save money, we have no visitors in the winter. then it changed to me living here permantly.

i love it. it works so well for us, and i can't imagine it any other way. since our schedules are different, i get a lot of alone time which is perfect, i need it. (it reminds me of that sex in the city episode where charlotte admits to staring at her pores in the mirror, and all the girls admit to what they do during their alone time). i love seeing him get ready in the morning, i love that i have a side of the bed, i love that he knows how i take my coffee, i love cooking for him, and all of the things that you learn about each other by living together. i love having dinner ready for him (again, i love it, it's not something for everyone). i love that we have projects together, what color bedsheets, home depot projects, etc...i love waking up to him, and falling asleep with him. there's so much that i love about it.

there is a downside though. he is a bit more messy than i am. i'm not anal when it comes to cleaning, but since i took over one of his closets, there's office paperwork that even if i wanted to clean, i can't. sometimes it bothers me that our coffee table is cluttered. another thing to watch out for, the weight gain the first few months that i moved in with him. warning, you will start eating like a man. man portions, man meals (meat and potatoes). also, the fact that he is right by me, i would rather spend time with him than go to the gym. it took me a lot longer than i wanted it to get all of that under control.

the other part is that i still feel like it's his place. partly because i don't pay him "rent". he decided that he doesn't want his gf paying his mortgage. currently, i put that money aside for a bigger place for us or a vacation home. granted that this is specific to us, but at times i feel like it's his place not ours (although he always corrects me), but essentially, it is his. the decorating is his style and while i really like it a lot, i've always loved anthropologie's home decor section, so i'm still waiting for the day when i have a room that i can decorate like that. so if he's moving into your place, you'll have to maybe get something in writing (not really romantic) and say who's paying what a month so if something does happen, you don't get screwed and make sure that you have space for him. i know we had to weed out a lot of stuff when i moved in (why would a 25 y.o. man have an ice cream maker in a box?).

our division of labor is pretty much me doing it, or pointing out stuff for him, but again, i don't mind it. yes, sometimes i wish the toliets were magically clean, but overall i do most of the stuff (which is really like a 1/2 hour a day). i hate doing laundry, so he does it. i think if cleaning bothers you, then you need to figure out who does what. (i remember reading about Elle and her FH's division of labor and it seemed like it works nicely for them).

i think a week trial is a wonderful idea. for us it just worked and a month became three, then a year and a half. yes, my parents weren't psyched that we were moving in together before marriage, but they were realistic (i remember my mom saying that if i'm going to be sleeping there every night, we might as well save money). also, if you're like me and need alone time, make sure that he has a life outside of you. maybe make him go to the gym at night one night a week so that you have your time, or something. i know that it keeps me sane to be able to listen to my music as loud as i want to from time to time.

also, make sure you know how to argue with each other. i know that sounds stupid, but i have had boyfriends who there was no way we could live together because we fought mean. when you live together there's no place to go if you don't want to speak for a few days. when i get upset, i get quiet, i need to run away sometimes before i can discuss things. i've always been this way with people and it allows me time to clear my head and think about what i want to say. we RARELY get in fights, but we have learned what each other needs when it does happen, and how to have effective communication after the fight.

sorry it's so long winded (i highlighted the most important parts that i think you need to consider).

-- Edited by shopgirl82 at 19:23, 2006-02-06

halleybird · Hermes

I lived with my husband for 2 1/2 years before we got married. Here are the things I think you should consider:

--it will change your relationship. Living together is totally different than just spending all your time together, and I don't think I realized it at the time. It can be really stressful at first. And not just plain old stressful, more like inexplicably stressful, where it's hard to figure out exactly what's bugging you. There are things you will have to share, like chores, etc., that you may never have done before.

--As far as needing a formal commitment, I don't think that's necessary for everyone. Even experts say the important thing is that you have emotional commitment. I have known a lot of couples who have lived together, and I think the most important thing is that you both believe you have a future together, and this is a step that will eventually lead to marriage and/or lifetime companionship. Some people (and I am sure you wouldn't be this way) just think of living together like it's going to be one big, fun slumber party.

--It can be really, really fun, and sweet. I hated living with roommates and I loved living alone, but living with my husband is the best, because we have figured out each other's quirks, and we know when the other person needs time alone, etc. We did make certain that we have a big enough house for our own "space," though.

I do not regret living with my husband first. I think it made the transition to marriage much easier for us, too. No matter what you decide, I am excited for you!

laken1 · Hermes

Well, I have all kinds of thoughts on this one. I don't agree that if you move in together it's the beginning of the end - I think you might save yourself some heartache from getting divorced. I understand what llegs is saying, but I think if you go into it truly commited - it's the same thing. The same things would tear you apart rather you wait to live together until marriage or not. And "playing wifey" - that's what living together & being married is about. If you don't like it before the wedding, you aren't going to like it after the wedding either. That being said...

It sounds like you really put some time into thinking about this - duh, you are blubirde, but here is the other thing I'd think about. Are you planning to move into one of your existing homes? or get a new one? Here's why I ask - I think I would have had a problem with my now DH moving into "my" apartment. You are very independent like myself & I am assuming that you are proud of the home you put together (speaking for myself & am assuming for you?) I like the idea of a trial run, but that doesn't include his stuff. Which to me is a HUGE deal. And I would have resented my DH butting in on my stuff to make room for his model airplanes or computer collection. Ya know? So it was WAY better that I move into his house because he didn't care. And had more room for my stuff. But it would have been ideal for us to start fresh. But hey, maybe you are a bigger woman than me & that wouldn't bother you.

I think figuring out each other's pattern is definately key. I know sometimes I get my feelings hurt when my DH wants to play in his room (cave) & not spend time with me, but I forget that I'm home & have "me" time & he doesn't. So me having outings while he is at home is good for us as well. But you probably know a lot of those things about him.

Seriously, you talk about having space - how much space do you have now? Does he spend every night with you? Are you slowly moving in with each other, ie, if you don't have to go home in the morning to get ready for work, the answer is yes. How much time apart do you spend now? Our saving grace is that we both have a room - he has a computer / guitar / music room, I have a reading / craft room - we can go there for refuge if we so chose.

ETA: don't mix money, divide the bills, do a budget first & stick with it. And make him pay for date night, you aren't married!

Anyway, I am babbling, but I'm all sorts of intrigued that it's progressed this much. Let us know what happens.

-- Edited by laken1 at 19:21, 2006-02-06

Kel · Coach

I recommend this book, I am also thinking about moving in with my boyfriend. I went searching for advice a little while ago and I came across this book. I think it has really good information. It talks about all aspects of living together. Most books I come across try to talk you out of it, but this one doesn't. Instead it just tells you things that you should know after you decided to move in together. Anyways check it out.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

wow, this thread is so well-timed! I have been thinking about this a lot lately too. Very helpful insight from all the ladies.

Elle · Hermes

shopgirl82 wrote:

our division of labor is pretty much me doing it, or pointing out stuff for him, but again, i don't mind it. yes, sometimes i wish the toliets were magically clean, but overall i do most of the stuff (which is really like a 1/2 hour a day). i hate doing laundry, so he does it. i think if cleaning bothers you, then you need to figure out who does what. (i remember reading about Elle and her FH's division of labor and it seemed like it works nicely for them).

Yeah, right now our division of labor is pretty much Me 99.9% and Him 0.01% because I'm not working so it's fair enough! When I was working and he was in school/working, we split more evenly. I hate doing dishes, so that was his area. He hates laundry (and I'm anal about how some of my things are washed), so I took care of that. He vacuums, I sweep. He takes care of car maintenance, I take care of the bathroom. It was just really nice knowing ahead of time who was in charge of what and what was expected.

Also, I just wanted to say that even though there will obviously be an adjustment period, it could be really great. Our transition was wholely un-traumatic, and while I wasn't burning our dinner and he wasn't attempting to suck unsuckable things up with the vacuum, it was alot of "Hey this is kinda cool. I get to see you all the time now!". No huge blowouts.

I also think Laken's suggestion of considering getting a new place together instead of him moving in with you is the awesomest suggestion evah. It would make it feel like you were both coming into it on equal footing. So instead of you guys both feeling like you live at your place it would be both of your place with everyone starting fresh.

NCshopper · Hermes

shopchicago33 wrote:

One thing I love is that before we lived together, if we had a fight, we would both go home and have to be upset and not be able to talk or work it out because someone wouldn't pick up their phone etc. Well living together, you are sort of forced to work it out. I can't tell you how many times we have gotten in a fight and 1 hour later we are laughing about it. I really think living together has taught us how to communicate. We do that so well - we talk about everything.

I totally agree with this. It's so strange about living with someone: if you get in an argument or even a huge blowout fight, you still have to go to sleep in the same bed with that person, which puts a different spin on things. You don't have your own place to go to and he won't have a place of his own to go to either. So it kinda forces you to work through things until you can come up with a solution that works for you both.

Also, while I do understand what llegs is saying, I think that the same issues that would cause you to split up while just "shacking up" are the same issues that can fester and destroy a marriage. I just think that even if marriage seems like a remote possibility now, even if it's a possibility at all, wouldn't you want to go into that lifelong commitment knowing what you're up against? I would. So, that's my two cents there.

Like the other girls have said, moving in together can be stressful and it is a big change, but it's totally different than living with roommates and there's a TON of great things about it. IMO, I think the pros absolutely outweigh the cons.

blubirde · Chanel

I'm so very happy at everyone's responses! I've actually been reading y'all's tips out loud to the boy. It's been facilitating a lot of good conversation. He agreed that we should buy the Shacking Up book Kel recommended so we'll get that this weekend.

I was cooking a gardenburger for me (he was, of course, eating pizza) and talking about some of this stuff and he was kind of impressed I'd put so much thought into it. Not to mention how impressed he is with you ladies!!

All in all, I'm thinking it's a better and better idea. All the suggestions and potential roadhazards y'all have talked about seem doable and workable to me. (I was slightly terrified y'all were going to have horror stories or things I'd never thought about and didn't think I could deal with it, etc.)

I'm also excited I can "study up" on the subject and become more prepared. I know, I'm a big nerd. But I feel so much better when I can prepare for an eventuality instead of just having it happen to me.

We've already compromised on a few things. He bought a DVD player for upstairs because I didn't have one. I bought a shelf and put it on the wall for him to put his phone, wallet, keys, etc. on when he takes them off because I can't stand the clutter on the end table. (One of the few ways I'm cleaner than him!) Plus he's super into cleaning and I'm not, which could be a bad but for special treats (bdays and such) he hangs up all my strewn about clothes and organizes my closet. Crazy, huh? If he likes it so much, who am I to complain?

I look forward to reading what everyone else has to say!

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

i'm just happy you're happy. so cheesy but i don't care.

but anyway, on to the topic at hand. i think you're a smart girl who will make a reasoned decision. my initial reaction is go for it! <<<and trust me, i don't always say that.

Aurora · Marc Jacobs

Oh I'm excited for you Blubirdie! My bf pretty much has moved in with me too and we've been dating about the same amount of time as you. It actually started as a if you are working late just stay over because I live closer to our offices and it just kinda developed into the i don't want you to leave and I don't want to leave thing. We have a lot of fun and I don't think I'd know him nearly as well as I do now. The only thing is he still has his place and will for the next year and so will I so we aren't splitting bills or anything really - just groceries and he takes me out to dinner and for drinks every weekend which is about the same as my bills.

Metric · Gucci

7 years ago, (after only dating 6 months) my bf came to stay with me for a few weeks and never left.

It hasn't been all peaches and cream but I wouldn't change any of it. Even after 7 years we are still getting to know and understand each others boundries, personal space, etc. Don't expect everything to be super smooth right away (or...umm...ever?) and don't kid yourself- living with anyone else (be it mate, roommate or family member) isn't always easy. I agree that its important to each have your own little domain.

But its so great and its so worth it. Its so comforting to know that you'll come home and he'll be there.

small fry · Chanel

Well the ladies have already summed it. I think living together is a great way to see how you adjust living with someone and it makes it easier if you decide to marry later on. I did this with my first husband for about a year, than with my 2nd husbad it was only a few months before the wedding. I also agree about having time for you and having your own space. This is very important for anyone who is in realtionship because we all need to get away sometime or another. I also agree with laken1 divide all the bills in half so you are not stuck paying for everything. Well I hope it works out well for you and your hubby- keep us posted and hugs to you

Maddie · Coach

I don't have any advice, but I'm so happy for you! It's funny to see you write things like this, "I love spending time with him and being domestic, something I never thought I'd like." And adorable.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I'm so excited for you

This is big!

As for advice: I think the trigger for moving in together problems is when one person (usually the woman) starts saying "I'll let this go because even though it bugs me, it doesn't have to be something we fight about." Letting somethign bug you does not mean it has to be a fight. If it bugs you it bugs you. You have to be able to say, calmly, "I guess I just prefer it this way, can you give me that?"

Other than that - you're a smart girl and you know what you want and wow - I am just really excited for you! Go Bluebirde!

erin · Chanel

we moved in together after three months. it was hard probably for the first six, but after that -- smooth sailing.

my mom always said "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?!?!" but my thoughts are, i wouldn't buy a pair of shoes without trying them on....