STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

joy0302 · Kate Spade

In-laws! Opinions needed!!

Eurodaisy · Dooney & Bourke

It's no coincidence that people are always complaining about their in-laws, even in a joking way. They can always cause problems, especially for you, as the DW, because you're constantly having to deal with the emotional aftermath they cause with your DH.

I'm really sorry about all this. Your FIL sounds like such a jerk, and while I don't know the entire history behind your situation, it seems like you and your DH both have, historically speaking, just tried to keep the peace and wait for stuff to blow over.

Here's what I would do. Instead of confronting the 'rents and having a big blowout fight over what's recently happened and also digging up all the crappy stuff that's gone on in the past, I would slowly but steadily start putting my emotional foot down anytime FIL or MIL starts to bitch or guilt-trip you or your DH about anything. At the first whiff of, "Well, you're just doing this because you're selfish/inconsiderate/rude/whatever....," I would reply, "Actually, the reason we've made this decision is X." END OF DISCUSSION. No more debates, arguments, whatever. Hang up the phone on them if you have to! But be firm and do not get drawn into the petty fighting the FIL especially seems to thrive on.

Is it possible that FIL is jealous of your and DH's close relationship with grandma, and that's why they didn't call? I know that sounds pretty lame, but it could be why they waited so long to tell you.

From my experiences, parents continue to treat their grown up children like crap when they think they can get away with it. You and your DH just have to show them in a mature, calm way that you will not tolerate being treated so disrespectfully. It's not about proving that you're right and they're wrong (because they will always think they are right); it's about saving your sanity and taking an element of control over the situation. You can always change how you respond to unpleasantness (even if you can't help how you feel about it), and I think being levelheaded and limiting argument will help keep you and DH from getting upset. There's no sense in wasting emotional energy on people who just want to drag you down and make you as miserable as they are.

NCshopper · Hermes

I agree w/ Eurodaisy that they're going to continue this behavior as long as you guys put up with it. It sounds like you guys have dealt with it like saints in the past, and that seems very much like your nature to not want to piss people off unnecessarily, which is a good thing. But, I think it's time you guys started putting your foot (feet?) down. How you do this is up to you: you can be firm and polite, or you can be a bit more forceful and border on being rude if you have to.

If your BIL has an ounce of maturity in him, then he should be able to clearly see what's going on here and if he's a good guy, then you may be able to recruit him to help you as well. But, like I said, this takes maturity on his part to recognize that he's being/been favored and it's not fair. If he sees that and agrees it's unfair, then maybe he can push his parents into easing up on you guys a little bit. But, if he doesn't see anything wrong with his situation and likes getting a free ride at every turn, then I wouldn't turn to him at all.

That's quite a crappy situation they've put you in, especially when his grandma was injured--that's awful. If you can talk to her directly and explain the situation, then I'm sure she'd understand. I hope she's doing better now!

ILoveChoo · Hermes

you need to say something. if they just don't like you and are going to be dumb, fine whatever. But they need to call you when things like that happen. My great uncle dies this past summer and my parents forgot to call me (and I totally believe my Mom- she said she thought she had called but she has a lot of little kids right now that can be very distracting). It was only someone we saw like twice a year, so I had no idea what happened until I sent him an invitation to my wedding and his poor wife had to tell me he had died 4 months ago. I felt SO bad and believe me, my mom got an earful of very choice language about that too. Things like that are just not acceptable- it makes it look like you are being rude to someone else! Tell the grandma that you were sick the whole time and didn't want to get her sick, then let the in-laws know that they NEED to make it a point to keep you informed about things like that.

joy0302 · Kate Spade

Thanks everyone for the advice. You all are right. We do need to put our feet down!

ILoveChoo sorry about your situation also. It is horrible that you had to find out that type of information in the way that you did. You have the same relationship as my mom and I do. I would have told her how I felt. I think that is better, that way you get it out in the open.

Eurodaisy-I do think that they are a little jealous of the relationship we have with the rest of the family. MIL doesn't get along with the aunts(MIL doesn't get along with much of anyone). We, on the other hand, have a great relationship with all of them. I do think this bothers them.

NCshopper-BIL is in mid 30's and still calls his daddy to buy his furniture, so needless to say the maturity level there is not the highest. My husband has mentioned small things once or twice and the BIL always gets defensive and takes up for FIL. Some people would rather have a free ride than worry about how others are treated. I guess it is not his fault that the dad favors him, but it would be nice if he would atleast admit it.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Eurodaisy wrote:

Here's what I would do. Instead of confronting the 'rents and having a big blowout fight over what's recently happened and also digging up all the crappy stuff that's gone on in the past, I would slowly but steadily start putting my emotional foot down anytime FIL or MIL starts to bitch or guilt-trip you or your DH about anything. At the first whiff of, "Well, you're just doing this because you're selfish/inconsiderate/rude/whatever....," I would reply, "Actually, the reason we've made this decision is X." END OF DISCUSSION. No more debates, arguments, whatever. Hang up the phone on them if you have to! But be firm and do not get drawn into the petty fighting the FIL especially seems to thrive on.

Yep, that about covers it. Good luck sweetie - this one is so hard to disengage from, but that's the only way to win unfortunately...

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

Everyone has already given you great advice on this. I just wanted to add that I think you have put up with this like a saint already, and put up with a lot more than almost anyone could without losing it and blowing up. I commend you for having that restraint and maturity. But like the others (and you) have said, it's time to put the foot down.

Also, this may be small comfort to your husband, but he's a better man for not being babied the way his brother is. He's able to stand on his own feet and be self sufficient, while his brother is still a child in his mid 30s. The FIL has actually done your BIL a great disservice -- although it has to be hard to see him getting all the gifts and help that he has, the FIL has essentially kept this guy from growing up. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

greendiamond · Marc Jacobs

I think it might be time to cut them from your lives. Not completely, but so that you just see them on special occasions. I think in the long run it will be easier on you and especially your husband. AND, it seems like they have put the emotional space ther, and that youjust need to put the physical space there. I have no idea where you and your husband stand with children in the future, but I am willing to bet that the in-laws will spoil the BIL's children, and will treat your children with the same lack of respect that they ahve shown the two of you. Children won't can't understand this, and they will feel very hurt if they are not treated similarly. I think getting as much space from them as possible without completely writing them out of your lives is the best way to go. Congratulations on not being financially bound to this jerk of a FIL. That would onlt make it worse!

-gd