STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Maddie · Coach

Marriage...

Elle · Hermes

We're doing it in 6 months, though by that time our 10 year anniversary will be right around the corner. Frankly, we're doing it because we want to have the big party and we want to make it legal. My last name is pretty ridiculous to pronounce and spell so I'm looking forward to changing it!

We will continue to celebrate our original anniversary along with our wedding anniversary, since we both think it's the more important one of the two. But that's because we don't really consider our wedding day the day we make a lifelong commitment, and think rather the commitment should come long before the decision to get married at all. IMO a relationship doesn't need to include marriage to be valid, and I think alot of people misuse it in that way.

This is also why we are not only avoiding a religious ceremony but also having a friend perform it so we are able to shape it as we see fit. I might just throw up if I had to stand up there and choke out "From this day forward" ... but that's just me .

ETA: I'm obviously not being very concise here, so I may edit for clarity later.

-- Edited by Elle at 18:44, 2006-02-03

Maat · Kenneth Cole

I want to get married, but I don't want a wedding (at least not a formal one). I hate long term planning of any kind and I think I would become a total bridezilla if I had to plan such a big event. It always seems like people come out of the woodwork when you are about to get married and start telling you how you should do everything and that you should invite Great Aunt Gladys that you only met once when you were 3. I want to just get married by a judge and then celebrate at my favorite restaurant with a cupcake wedding cake!

Hermione · Kate Spade

*this is not in any order, just sortof rambling*

I have always been the type to think that i woudl get married and have a passel of kids. like four or six. i have five in my family, so it's not really a stretch for me.

at the same time though i always thought of myself as having a fabulous career - and i realized it would be hard to have both (i don't want my kids to be in daycare or have a nanny that is the primary caretaker)

as i got older (into my 20s) i thought that i could start a fab career early, and then get to the point where i was so successful i could have other people do most of the work in my business and i could pretty much run it from home ...

anyway, i'm 24, and as i've discovered about most things, my plans were entirely unrealistic. i'm nowhere near established in my fabulous career (though now that i see the way things are, i am happy about the connections i am making) and it will take 2-5 years, i estimate, before i could possible become truly wildly successful in music, and that's with me running at full speed all the time, not making many mistakes, and just being really driven, and hopefully some good opportunities coming my way.

i don't know how the kids are going to work into this, but i just know there's so many things i want to do before i have them. i love love love kids, but i know that life's very different once you have them!

the guy i had talked about before, when he and i were/are (cringe) dating - he is very career-driven, does not want to have kids. for the first time i considered what my life would be like if i had that kind of relationship. we are both motivated and like nice things - we would probably end up being some sort of power couple with a fabulous loft and lots of nice clothes.

imagining that though, i felt really empty, like my life would be very superficial ... so i know that's not what i want.

as i date though, and find out more about people and the world in general, i find it hard to believe that i will ever be able to find a person i can wholly trust and who will want the same things that i do ... makes me sad, i do want that romantic love but i just don't feel like it's going to happen for me.

so for now, i'm focussing on what i can (me) and i guess i'll have to let the rest happen ... for awhile anyway.

oh yes, and on weddings. i used to do a bit of wedding planning and so i wanted a gorgeous expensive wedding, in an old mansion, indoor/outdoor, fab flowers and food. ... but as my friends begin to get married and stress over all the costs and guestlists etc, i think that i probably wouldn't want to spend that much money on the day (unless i'm wealthy and have it to spend!) but that the important thing is having the people that i truly love there.

so i would probably have a small ceremony and then dinner for just my family and a few close friends.

Kel · Coach

When I was in HS even though that was just a few years ago, I used to always say that I didn't want to get married. I didn't really think it meant anything. I figured that I would just have a live-in boyfriend. To this day, I have mixed feelings, I love the idea of having a wedding and go through the traditional wedding activities, but then again seeing such a high divorce rate it is so scary. But in the end, I know that I will eventally get married, but only when I am completely ready to. I know in my eyes, I will want to get married just to make everything formal.

NCshopper · Hermes

Marriage is obviously a huge and very personal decision. I always knew I wanted to get married, not because of being part of a tradition or because of society or anything like that, but just because it means that you've found "that" person. That person that you want to grow old with, and take care of, and raise a family with, and to always be on the same "team."

I totally believe that marriage nowadays is totally unnecessary. I mean, think about it. We as women, can do whatever we want, regardless of our marital status. There's nothing we're not allowed to do just because we don't have a man.

However, I think marriage is incredibly romantic, and to me, I think it's all the more romantic when people get married even though they don't have to. They're doing it just because they love each other so much and can't begin to think of life without that person. I think it's pretty cool.

I got married WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY before I ever thought I would. My friends unanimously voted me the last one to get married out of our group, and ironically, I was the first, at 22. But it was the right person at the right time, and I had to go for it. It felt right, and honestly it felt weird that we weren't married.

Personally, I think weddings are ridiculous and can't imagine why a person would go through that much effort and expense for something that's only a day. For me, our wedding was perfect. We went to the courthouse, randomly asked two people in the elevator to be our witnesses, then had a beer and Wendy's. It was so great. I think people get so caught up in planning the weddings and making sure that it's their "perfect" day that they totally forget that they should be putting that effort into making sure that their MARRIAGE is solid. Um...hello? Isn't that the point of a wedding? To kick off a great marriage? I think people just get their priorities mixed up sometimes. Not everyone, but a lot of people.

Anyway, the thing I love about being married is that extra level of committment. We're here for each other no matter what. There was absolutely no pressure on us to get married, but we chose to do it because we felt that we wanted to make that committment to each other. It's pretty cool.

ILoveChoo · Hermes

I got married last fall. I like marriage for legal "offical" reasons and to make the relatives happy, but really don't see any need for it. For all intents and purposes, we've been "maried" for a while. I would have been fine with no wedding, but DH really wanted to do it for his parents. It was a fun time though- I'm glad we did it, I had a blast!

-- Edited by ILoveChoo at 19:28, 2006-02-03

Elle · Hermes

NCshopper wrote:

Personally, I think weddings are ridiculous and can't imagine why a person would go through that much effort and expense for something that's only a day. For me, our wedding was perfect. We went to the courthouse, randomly asked two people in the elevator to be our witnesses, then had a beer and Wendy's. It was so great. I think people get so caught up in planning the weddings and making sure that it's their "perfect" day that they totally forget that they should be putting that effort into making sure that their MARRIAGE is solid. Um...hello? Isn't that the point of a wedding? To kick off a great marriage? I think people just get their priorities mixed up sometimes. Not everyone, but a lot of people.

I look at it as you would any other technically uneccessary but more socially acceptable expense. Like buying a fancy, brand new car for $50,000 when a reliable $15,000 Honda would have done the same job because 'you just wanted to'. Or going on a big, long-awaited vacation, because ultimately at the end of it all you're left with are the pictures and the memories. Or spending a bunch of money every month on going out to dinners when you could have spent 1/10th of the same amount by eating in. We all choose where we want to 'throw our money away' basically, and everyone gets to choose what they want to blow it on. As long as it's within your means, who are we to judge?

NCShopper - I really like your point about the sheer fact that marriage is now virtually uneccessary making it even more romantic when people decide to do it - I've never heard it explained like that before .

bumblebee · Coach

i'm not, but i'd like to be eventually. most of my friends are recently married or getting married now/soon, and i think it's really nice to have that person you know will always be in your corner and you can be like a little team out in the world. so i want that.

i was never one of those girls who planned out my wedding and what it would look like and etc., but i did always dream about the honeymoon vacation. i was a weird kid. but now i think that i would have a wedding, kind of a small-ish one, maybe at a winery somewhere and have cake and dancing and champagne and all that. i really love to throw parties, so that's part of it.

Sandy · Kate Spade

In high school, I didn't think I wanted to get married. I was always in love with the idea of moving to New York City for college and never looking back. I imagined myself to be like Carrie Bradshaw (yeah, I know... so did everyone else ) and to not let anyone tame me unless I knew it was for real. Then I met my boyfriend. As soon as I saw him, I knew I'd be with him... he took a little longer to figure it out. We started talking, then dating, and I knew I loved him within days. Days. We started talking about marriage and children one day, and my whole life's plan changed right then and there. I realized that I want to stay here in this city, marry my boyfriend, have his children, and live happily ever after.

I want nothing more than to get married. I cannot wait until the day I get a ring so the planning can really begin. It's not about validating my relationship or proving anything to anyone, and frankly, I don't think it's necessary. I love my boyfriend more than anything, and I want just one day to go all out and celebrate that love with everyone who loves us. I do not want a religious ceremony because I am not religious. My boyfriend does because he is. I think planning our wedding will be a great way for us to exercise the art of compromise. I don't want a big expensive wedding; I want a wedding that reaks of my boyfriend's and my personalities. I want to make all, or at least most, of the decorations, invitations, favors, etc. I plan to celebrate our love everyday for the rest of my life, but I think it'll be wonderful to have just one day for us... to have just one day that revolves around us and no one else.

shopgirl82 · Chanel

i have been thinking a lot about this lately too. up until now, i've always said, i'm too young when people ask, but as NCshopper put it, it's starting to feel weird that we're not married.

my bf and i have gone on some great vacations when we first met each other, some that really meant a lot to me. i want to marry him, either at a winery in traverse city or at a small chapel in yellowstone that we saw. i want it to be my mom, dad, bro, and sister, and his parents. i want all of us to go out to a nice dinner after the "ceremony", and i want them to enjoy the scenery. after we get back from our honeymoon, i want to have an outdoor barbeque with everyone that i would have invited if i had a real wedding, and i want amazing food, lots of booze, and a slideshow in the background of what they missed at our "ceremony". i don't want any gifts, i want donations to charities that my bf and i pick.

i don't know if that will happen or not, but as i have gotten older, that's what i decided to be my perfect wedding. if it doesn't happen that way, or i change my mind, fine. but i just want that day to be about him and i and the ones who gave us that moment.

-- Edited by shopgirl82 at 20:15, 2006-02-03

CarrieS · Marc Jacobs

I'm not married, but I hope to be someday (soon!). However, I'm horrible at dating, etc., so I can't even get a boyfriend at the moment, so chances look very slim right now

It sounds bad, but I feel some sort of clock ticking here, and quite frankly, being almost 27 and STILL single is pretty depressing. Especially when you read the wedding announcements in the paper and realize your entire HS class is marrying off and you don't even have a significant other.

Still, I hope it does happen......

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I do want to get married. I've always been a traditionalist in that way, and I'd like to have children too. NCShopper, I also really liked your way of looking at it. We don't have to get married, but it's very romantic and a wonderful thing to think that you love this person so much that you want to be married to them, and share your lives together. When I've thought about marriage, the way I imagined it was having that one person who was always by your side, who loved you and stood by you as you pursued your dreams and vice versa, that person who brought out your best qualities. Then from a practicality standpoint, the legal rights and benefits afforded to a spouse are very significant, and do protect you.

My BF recently told me he'd been thinking about proposing, actually. This was both very exciting and a little scary to hear. Scary, because it is such a big step, but I know I am ready to take it too. And exciting, because I really love him, and was so moved to realize he loved me that much. I don't care as much about having a big splashy wedding as I used to. I think I'd be happy just getting hitched at city hall if we couldn't afford anything bigger. Mainly I want good food and good music at a party and for people to enjoy themselves!

However, if I could do anything I wanted regardless of cost, I'd want to get married in this small, rustic chapel I saw on an island in a lake in the Adirondacks, and then have the reception at the Inn at Little Washington in Virginia, which is both insanely expensive and way way far away from the Adirondacks (obviously). Or we'd spend part of our honeymoon there. D saw the old foundation of a church in a cornfield in Ohio, where we both went to college, and he always thought of going back to get married there.

-- Edited by scarlett at 20:22, 2006-02-03

Collette · Chanel

I'm married, I got married this past October so I'm a newlywed. I got married for various reasons of course the legality of the commitment was one factor but I always just wanted to be married. I wanted to be joined in the eyes of God. I want to have children and believed I wanted to be married to do that. That's just me though and the decisions I've made for myself.

However I also really like the romantacism ( is that a word?) of it. I like the idea of "till death do us part" and knowing he's my partner, more than a live in boyfriend or common law husband. I love and adore my DH and loved the idea of sharing that with our family and friends. Having the party to celebrate our love was amazing. We felt so surrounded by love and support from our loved ones on our wedding day. We keep that with us in our marraige and hope to keep that feeling for years and years to come.

blink · Coach

I am 30 and have been married since 1999, we did it in Vegas just basically because we weren't into the hoopla about big weddings and I didn't have any money plus my family wouldn't have been able to really play the part either...not because of finances, but because they're kind of different anyway. Now that I am not 23 anymore, I would change some things, but still have it be very small. One thing I would do now is get married in church and hire a really good photographer. We, not knowing any better, settled for vegas hotel chapel's photographer and while we looked great that day, the backdrop was just boring and the small amount of shots were limited to standing poses, no action, nothing striking, nothing breathtaking or memorable.

I did not think about marriage at age 19 at all, even though I thought I knew who my "soulmate" was then! I have always felt that I wouldn't settle down for long with a guy unless he was serious, in my eyes, that meant marriage. Also, the live in thing just wouldn't have worked for me personally, at least not without an engagement ring. I have always seemed to feel like there were plenty of fish in the sea and no point in investing time in just long term committed dating if we weren't sure about each other. I am not so sure I would feel that way today if I were still single, but at 23, there seemed to be too many other men out there who would be better for me and who would know they wanted to get married someday.

I believe in marriage (and the difference from it's legal definition) on a pretty deep level, I am not going to write all about it, but I had given it a lot of thought before ever meeting my husband.

-- Edited by lorelei at 21:09, 2006-02-03

NCshopper · Hermes

Elle wrote:

NCshopper wrote: Personally, I think weddings are ridiculous and can't imagine why a person would go through that much effort and expense for something that's only a day. For me, our wedding was perfect. We went to the courthouse, randomly asked two people in the elevator to be our witnesses, then had a beer and Wendy's. It was so great. I think people get so caught up in planning the weddings and making sure that it's their "perfect" day that they totally forget that they should be putting that effort into making sure that their MARRIAGE is solid. Um...hello? Isn't that the point of a wedding? To kick off a great marriage? I think people just get their priorities mixed up sometimes. Not everyone, but a lot of people. I look at it as you would any other technically uneccessary but more socially acceptable expense. Like buying a fancy, brand new car for $50,000 when a reliable $15,000 Honda would have done the same job because 'you just wanted to'. Or going on a big, long-awaited vacation, because ultimately at the end of it all you're left with are the pictures and the memories. Or spending a bunch of money every month on going out to dinners when you could have spent 1/10th of the same amount by eating in. We all choose where we want to 'throw our money away' basically, and everyone gets to choose what they want to blow it on. As long as it's within your means, who are we to judge?

I definitely agree with all your points. I guess I should explain, I'm definitely not judging people for having a nice big wedding. I think it's really cool and it's really great. It's not for me though. The other problem I have with it, and this is the larger issue, is when I see girls turn into bridezilla and totally live, breathe, eat, sleep, all things wedding related for the better part of a year and don't focus the time and energy on making sure that the person they're marrying is the right person for them. It seems like so much time, money, and energy gets focused on the wedding, when the focus should be on the marriage, and the marriage almost becomes an afterthought. That's what I have a big problem with.

Metric · Gucci

This may not be a popular opinion so I will keep it brief...

I do not want to and will not marry. My bf (lifepartner, luhhh-ver, whatever) and I are already "married" in our eyes. I don't think it is necessary to pay the government a fee to prove my love for someone. That, to me, is a big load of BS. Also I don't think it is any business of the government to say whom can marry whom (ie: gay marriages). And as a silent protest, I will not legally marry.

I have never wanted to be married. I can't remember ever playing wedding as a little girl. I always imagined myself as an exotic jet-setter who would occasionally pop back into my neice's and nephew's lives, bearing wonderful gifts and telling exciting stories. I never even though I'd fall in love. But you can't control somethings, I guess.

Not to mention that the whole wedding business scares the living sh*t out of me. Seriously, looking at wedding dresses or watching wedding reality shows makes me break out in a cold sweat. I get nauseaus thinking about flowers and cakes and registries. Maybe I am wedding-phobic.

blink · Coach

BrazenCanadian wrote:

Not to mention that the whole wedding business scares the living sh*t out of me. Seriously, looking at wedding dresses or watching wedding reality shows makes me break out in a cold sweat. I get nauseaus thinking about flowers and cakes and registries. Maybe I am wedding-phobic.

Me too! The wedding industry is out of hand IMO. But the cultural practice of it does nothing to change my own opinion of marriage for myself, I still see it as an important moment to capture and share with whomever the couple chooses, in my case, I wanted to elope (even though the in laws somehow made it to the ceremony) but even if for some weird reason I had chosen a big party of a wedding, my relationship would still be the same...though likely dealing with a little wedding debt however! Anyway, just saying that wedding phobia and being anti-marriage are different. One is basically a big party that happens to include the other part, which is, only depending on your beliefs, a personal and spirtual promise to commit. Which by the way, gay people can do too, the legal part is less important but I believe it will come someday, meanwhile it's not stopping them from having commitments any more than legal marriage is keeping straight people from getting divorced.

halleybird · Hermes

BrazenCanadian wrote:

Not to mention that the whole wedding business scares the living sh*t out of me. Seriously, looking at wedding dresses or watching wedding reality shows makes me break out in a cold sweat. I get nauseaus thinking about flowers and cakes and registries. Maybe I am wedding-phobic.

Ha! It did me too. That's why I let my mom/stepmom & my sisters plan mine. I didn't even try on dresses, because the tulle and sparkles freaked me out.

Re: marriage -- I guess I always figured I'd get married, though I didn't think I'd be the type to marry the only guy I've ever dated. After about our sophomore year of college, I started realizing that I might end up with him, and we firmly decided that we weren't going to think about marriage until we finished college. I wanted to be married, but I wanted to be "me" first, which is why we waited until we finished school and got established in our careers.

Had I not met my husband so young, I don't know if I'd be married now. I am extremely picky, so I doubt it.

Hermes

BrazenCanadian wrote:

This may not be a popular opinion so I will keep it brief... I do not want to and will not marry. My bf (lifepartner, luhhh-ver, whatever) and I are already "married" in our eyes. I don't think it is necessary to pay the government a fee to prove my love for someone. That, to me, is a big load of BS. Also I don't think it is any business of the government to say whom can marry whom (ie: gay marriages). And as a silent protest, I will not legally marry. I have never wanted to be married. I can't remember ever playing wedding as a little girl. I always imagined myself as an exotic jet-setter who would occasionally pop back into my neice's and nephew's lives, bearing wonderful gifts and telling exciting stories. I never even though I'd fall in love. But you can't control somethings, I guess. Not to mention that the whole wedding business scares the living sh*t out of me. Seriously, looking at wedding dresses'; return true;" style="BORDER-BOTTOM: 3px double; TEXT-DECORATION: none" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;" href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=31&k=wedding%20dresses">wedding dresses or watching wedding reality shows makes me break out in a cold sweat. I get nauseaus thinking about flowers and cakes and registries. Maybe I am wedding-phobic.

not to stalk, but just to sum up my responses to your posts in multiple threads here.

when I got married it was not to pay my government a fee to prove my love. it was to cover my ass legally because I had been screwed over financially by living with my boyfriends, and vowed to never mingle finances unless I had legal protection ever again. no one goes into living with someone thinking that person would ever screw them over - but people get nasty in breakups and can surprise you with what they are capable of.

I too used to say that marriage was only a piece of paper. Through the school of hard knocks, I learned it was a legal tool to protect me.

you said "I always imagined myself as an exotic jet-setter who would occasionally pop back into my neice's and nephew's lives, bearing wonderful gifts and telling exciting stories." many people would view me this way and I'm married - so I'm not getting your point.

"Not to mention that the whole wedding business scares the living sh*t out of me. Seriously, looking at wedding dresses or watching wedding reality shows makes me break out in a cold sweat. I get nauseaus thinking about flowers and cakes and registries. Maybe I am wedding-phobic. " ummm... that's why I went to the courthouse - a marriage doesn't have to be about a party. My wedding cost $50 and didn't involve any of what you mention - I didn't even have anyone I know there - just the judge, and a couple of courthouse office workers as witnesses.

I got married because I found someone that I felt I could have a sustainable healthy relationship with until I died. I also refused to live with somone again unless I felt this way, because I wouldn't live with someone again unless I had legal protection which means marriage. The way I view marriage, is that it's a one time thing. If I was going to do it, I was entering into it with the mindset that it will be forever and that I would have to work at it. the legal commitment makes it much less easy to walk away from and forces you to work at it. Also, if anything ever happened to my SO, I would have legal rights as immediate family.

-- Edited by detroit at 09:46, 2006-02-04