STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

NCshopper · Hermes

RE: girlfriend, wife, partner? what do i call myself?

Hermes

BrazenCanadian wrote:

Getting married so that you can say "husband"? That is mildy offensive to me.

I don't think anyone was suggesting to get married simply so she could use the term "husband" - e doli said that they planned on spending the rest of their life together, so some of the posters suggested they make it legal - if you've made the decision to spend the rest of your life together, then what's the harm in being married? it certainly solves the mate reference problem...

Bastet · Kate Spade

I think that only a few states in the country legally recognize the "common law marriage" now. So depending where you are living, it might not allow you to have the benefits of non common law marriage.

I don't think "girlfriend" is too high schooly. Maybe it's because I work with a lot of people in their mid 40s who have boyfriends/girlfriends. My boss is in his 40s and he just bought a house with his girlfriend.

Maat · Kenneth Cole

NCshopper wrote:

shopgirl82 wrote: bumblebee wrote: and you have to pronounce it lo-vaaahhh. totally, like the SNL skit with will ferrell as that professor. i agree with the other girls, when you figure out, let me know too. i've been with my bf for 4 + years, we live together (we do plan on getting married, but no talk of it yet), and i still feel juvenile when i say my boyfriend. i even say it booooooooyfriend around him. anyone know when it becomes common law marriage. my parents best friends are married by common law (they never had a ceremony) but they've been together probably 20 + years. I've always heard 7 years of living together.

I remember learning in an undergraduate class I took from the law department that there is more involved in a common law marriage than living together for 7 years. I believe both parties need to agree that they are married, and have to represent themselves as married (tell people you are married, refer to each other as husband and wife) and maybe even file taxes together.

So you couldn't ever "accidentally" marry someone by living with them for 7 years.

-- Edited by Maat at 11:12, 2006-02-04

ViViDogWear · Kate Spade

I tend to agree more with Detroit. Maybe just getting the courthouse document so youcould have the legal benefits of being married. You know if he were to be sick in the hospital, etc. Being a Girlfriend gives you know say, no rights, and I think not even visitation rights if needed. Just for peace of mind - I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with him, I would want that formality/documentation, whatever you may call it. I was with my ex almost 6 yrs, lived together about 4 and I still had to call him my BF. We've both used "fiance" in times where we needed to be taken more seriously, it's a sad fact but that's just a "perception" people have and influences how you may be treated (i.e. phone calls).

I know people who refer to the LT BF's as "hubby". Kinda cute and endearing - shows more than just a fling and less formal than Husband.

To my knowledge common law marriage is 7 yrs after living together and agreeing to it (in some states).

bex · Chanel

bumblebee wrote:

and you have to pronounce it lo-vaaahhh.

LOL!!!!!!

if opportunity knocks, i'm answering! and introducing the BF as my lo-vaaahhhh!!!

Karina · Chanel

Liz wrote:

The term "lover" always makes me giggle in a silly schoolgirl kinda way. Can you imagine introducing someone in polite company," Oh, and have you met my lover, Jim?" I have been in a relationship with my live-in bf for four and half years, plus we have a child together. We have no plans on getting married anytime soon. When people ask me what my status is, I say I have a boyfriend. The only thing is people automatically assume that he is not my daughter's father. When I correct them, they kind of look uncomfortable. I know being an unwed mom is still a little taboo, even though there are millions of us out there. My lifestyle doesn't bother me and I'm in no rush to get married just to make people feel more comfortable around me. I suppose you just have to do what ultimately feels right for you and be prepared for the extra questions if you decide marriage isn't it.

i am an unwed mom of 2 - and my fiance is the father of both of them. people think he is not their dad, or other weird things. i call him my fiance or boyfriend.. i'll call him my husband when we get married.

his grandmother calls older people's girlfriends, "lady friends". You can try calling him your man friend

LOL

Karina · Chanel

oh... and my parents aren't married, but have been together 30+ years. they call each other husband and wife, and my mom uses my father's last name. i told my mom once, "Dad is your boyfriend."

relrel · Marc Jacobs

BrazenCanadian wrote:

Getting married so that you can say "husband"? That is mildy offensive to me.

ditto. my bf and i have been together for about three years or so and will not be getting married. even if we break up and i meet the man of my dreams tomorrow i will not marry him. why would you make such a commitment to somebody just to have the right to call him what you want. i actually go with domestic partner. perhaps i shall start a new ST tradition, the DH, the BF, and the DP! i have gotten over people thinking wierd thoughts when i say DP, that's thier problem, not mine. if you want to assume that im a lesbian because i use that phrase than so what? what's wrong with that? john is not my boyfriend, and i don't think he ever was. we went straight from the first date to living together. no where in there was a boyfriend stage. and shit, im 26 years old. boyfriend just sounds so fricking silly.

whooo, im sorry if that offended anyone, but sometimes i get a little touchy over relationship issues such as this.

oh...and just for a little perspective...my parents are not divorced, in fact, they seem to still be madly in love after almost 30 years and this goes for most of my friends parents and family. i just personally developed this attitude towards marriage somewhere.

just a quick question as well....you ladies that are married or engaged or anybody else...have you taken the man's name or kept yours or hypenated? just curious, because this is something that i always think about. funnily enough, even though the DP and i aren't planning on marrying we have decided that we would use my last name. but that's only cause he hates his family and doesn't want to be associated with them. can you make up your own last name and get it legally changed?

Hermes

relrel wrote:

BrazenCanadian wrote: Getting married so that you can say "husband"? That is mildy offensive to me. ditto. my bf and i have been together for about three years or so and will not be getting married. even if we break up and i meet the man of my dreams tomorrow i will not marry him. why would you make such a commitment to somebody just to have the right to call him what you want.

would one of you please show me where it is posted to get married simply so you can refer to an SO as "husband?" I'm not able to find it.

just a quick question as well....you ladies that are married or engaged or anybody else...have you taken the man's name or kept yours or hypenated?

I did not change my name, as I didn't feel it was necessary.

Maddie · Coach

relrel wrote:

can you make up your own last name and get it legally changed?

I know some people who did this. They made up a name that was a combo of both of theirs, not a hyphenated name.

I know another couple who gave one of their kids the mom's last name and one of the kids the dad's last name.

relrel · Marc Jacobs

detroit wrote:

relrel wrote: BrazenCanadian wrote: Getting married so that you can say "husband"? That is mildy offensive to me. ditto. my bf and i have been together for about three years or so and will not be getting married. even if we break up and i meet the man of my dreams tomorrow i will not marry him. why would you make such a commitment to somebody just to have the right to call him what you want. would one of you please show me where it is posted to get married simply so you can refer to an SO as "husband?" I'm not able to find it.

detroit...just speaking for myself, and not for anybody else here, but the way i was looking at it was calling a significant other a husband is the easiest/safest/least confusing way but to do that you must be married. sure, you can call anybody your husband if you want, but you can also call anybody a goat and that doesn't make it true. but you are right, nowhere does it say that anybody should get married just so that they can call somebody thier husband. i feel that getting married just to call somebody my husband so that other people aren't confused isn't really the right way to go about it. getting married is about something else entirely, and has nothing to do with other people nor does it have anything to do with naming of a partner. does that make sense? i didn't want to make you or anybody else mad, i just feel that getting married isn't about other people and isn't that what issues of naming is about, other people? why worry about what to call your significant other except in the context of other people? the offensive part to me is getting married just for the sake of other people's opinions. again, does that make more sense? im really trying to get my thoughts from my brain onto the computer in the most intelligible way, but i feel that im failing miserably. but i digress, no hard feelings meant.

Hermes

relrel wrote:

i feel that getting married just to call somebody my husband so that other people aren't confused isn't really the right way to go about it.

absolutely, and I never implied that is was. she said she and her SO planned on spending the rest of their lives together, so I said why don't you just get married then. the reference to what the SO would be called as a result was secondary, but it would eliminate her delimma. If she had not said that she planned on spending the rest of her life with this guy, would I have never suggested marriage... and maybe they shouldn't be married, even if they do think they want to spend the rest of their lives together - if marriage is off limits, then there must by an underlying reason why they are not willing to cement the commitment through legal bonds. at least that my read on it...

getting married is about something else entirely, and has nothing to do with other people nor does it have anything to do with naming of a partner. does that make sense?

of course that makes sense and I'm well aware of that. it was kind of a tongue in cheek response to someone who said they were planning on spending the rest of their life with someone - that marriage would solve the SO reference issue.

i didn't want to make you or anybody else mad, i just feel that getting married isn't about other people and isn't that what issues of naming is about, other people? why worry about what to call your significant other except in the context of other people?

I'm not mad, but I feel as though there has been a tone of superiority, and suggestion of those who are married are not strong as an individual or insecure. I also feel all the arguments against marriage have not been strong arguments, so I challenged the posters against marriage to better support their position, so I could better understand and possibly agree with the opposing point of view.

the offensive part to me is getting married just for the sake of other people's opinions.

I don't know where you got this idea from in the posts - I don't recall seeing anyone suggesting marriage for the sake of other people's opinions.

again, does that make more sense?

yes it makes more sense of your point of view. but I do not think anyone was shallow enough to suggest marriage to simply be able to call an SO a husband. They were simply suggesting marriage to someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with someone and doesn't know how to refer to them - it was just presented as a logical progression and solution.

relrel · Marc Jacobs

detroit wrote:
but I feel as though there has been a tone of superiority. I also feel all the arguments against marriage have not been strong arguments. it was just presented as a logical progression and solution.

a tone of superiority, hmm, that's actually what my boyfriend and i fought about last night, and is something that i will admit to. but the tone in no way means i actually think im superior! it is something that i try really hard to work on in my real life, and im glad you called me on it.

not been strong arguments, again, i will agree with this one as well. my feelings about marriage are just that, feelings. they aren't really based on anything solid or factual, just how my heart feels about things.

logical progression, now that i don't get. well, i do get it, logically. but i don't get WHY this has to be so. just because you decide to make a lifelong commitment to another person doesn't mean that you have to then take part in a governmentally sanctionted instituion. elle mentioned something about feminism in (i think) the other thread about marriage and it could be that i was corrupted by my minor in women's studies. too many bra burning hussies in there!

wicked · Coach

lorelei wrote:

girlfriend! there's nothing high school about it. add live-in if you want people to realize you aren't new to this. or girlfriend of X years if you are feeling long winded. But you can't have partner, unless you don't mind a puzzled look, it looks like the gay community scooped up that one and they deserve it since there really isn't a lot of options for definition. sorry I don't know of any better terms, there really should be a better label for the place in between girlfriend and wife though!

I'm sorry, but are you saying gays can't/don't use the terms boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife to refer to their significant others?

Before I was married I referred to my husband as my partner (I can have any word I want). To his face I called him my boy-band.

e_doli · Dooney & Bourke

to clarify slightly, we don't plan on getting married any time soon because marriage is not something either of us believe in or feel is necessary for us.

we don't feel that we need the government to justify/define/cement/legitimize our commitment. our relationship is what it is, whether we are married or not. we are secure in that and don't need a legal document to solidify it.

this is not to say that i am against marriage or that those who choose to get married are less secure in their relationships, etc. it's a personal choice. we have both said that if one of us were to change their mind and want to get marrried, the other would be fine with that. also, if a situation were to arise in which there was a good reason to get married (like one of us gets great health insurance and we had to be married for the other to benefit from it), we would do it. although, with all the inheritance issues being brought out by the same sex marriage debate, it looks like we will end up doing it someday so we wouldn't get totally screwed by the state if something were to happen to either one of us.

i was basically bringing this up to see if there was anyone else in my situation and how they deal with it. i think the best term generated by this discussion, by far, is "lover". I will definately be introducing him as "my lover" as soon as possible. i'm sure he'll want to kill me when i do, but hey, it will be so worth it.

laken1 · Hermes

I would love to be in the circle when you introduce him as your lover. I love that & i would totally do it. Makes me wish we weren't married so I can - hey, I might do it anyway!

Elle · Hermes

e_doli wrote:

i think the best term generated by this discussion, by far, is "lover". I will definately be introducing him as "my lover" as soon as possible. i'm sure he'll want to kill me when i do, but hey, it will be so worth it.

You rock, e_doli!

bumblebee · Coach

what movie is it where they introduce someone as a "special lady-friend"?

i think "special man-friend" is the winner in this situation.