STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

janey831 · Kate Spade

my heart hurts...long

Aurora · Marc Jacobs

I'm sorry you are going through this Janey. I've never been in this situation nor have I met this guy so I can't really give advice or judge anyone in this matter.

What I do know is that my friend just got out of a relationship with a guy who was as you say "beneath" her. She was always unhappy because she had a good job and had her undergrad and MBA and this guy never finished college and had a bad job and leached off of her for 5 months. For the longest time everyone told her it wouldn't work because they weren't equals and we could see the problems but she would ignore it until it finally blew up on her. This might be what your mom is afraid of or might think. I'm not suggesting this guy is like that or your mom is right but just wanted to throw this idea out.

ViViDogWear · Kate Spade

Hi Janey -

I am so sorry for your pain. Trust me. I am Asian too, as are most of my friends and almost every girl I know has faced this at some time or another. May I ask how old you are? Many times the parents think that you are so "innocent" and a Budding Flower (yes, one of my friends' dad actually used that phrase).

It's very difficult for many asian parents (esp 1st gen) to understand where you are coming from. For them - relationships will only last if both of you are such and such. Same background, education, etc.

The older I get, I do feel like maybe they have a small point. My ex (of almost 6 yrs) was also "beneath" me many thought. They were concerned for me out of genuine love. He also did not finish school, came from a broken family, etc.

He also wanted to prove to my parents. Tried going back to school, quit, and now back in school. Over time - I have graduated twice and he is still in CC. As you get older, it WILL bother you I think. It bothers most of my friends once they have surpassed a phase of life. When you are working so hard to support yourself, and possibly him while he is in school or trying to get his career off the ground. You may find yourself begruding him. When you want to think of getting married, having a house, or kids, any differences will be magnified in your discontent.

Hopefully I haven't put my own experience too much into this - but I have many friends in this situation in college and after - and sad to say none of them are still with those guys any more. Not to say your love can't work - but it's best to look long-term.

Good luck and hang in there!

blubirde · Chanel

Wow. That's a tough one. For me, I would never choose a boy over my family. But wait, hear me out. I also would never let my family dictate who and what I did with my time. If they chose to give me an ultimatum, I tell them where they could shove it. I wouldn't choose the boy over them, I would choose myself over them. Basically, a family CANNOT dictate your life. If it's not this guy, it's going to be something else.

You have to make your own decision, of course, but the sooner you can be an independent person and not depend on them, the better off you'll be. Move out and let them make the decision. Tell them you are living wherever and they now have the choice to visit you (and you may or may not be with a boy they don't approve of) or they can choose to cut you out of their lives. Turn it back on them. I sincerely hope they don't choose to cut you out but if they do, what does that say about them? It says they care more about preconceived notions than you.

I hope things work out for you!

As for the boy, I'd tell him to get his ass back in school. You can't make it anywhere these days without a college degree.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

janey831 wrote:

My parents are also putting a major guilt trip on me, abt how they gave up so much for my sister and I and this is how i repay them. It almost seems like they equate love with financial security.

This kind of thinking drives me insane. Your parents made a decision to create you and bring you into the world, and they made that decision knowing full well all the hard work and sacrifice they would have to do, and therefore I think it is obscenely unfair of them to throw it back in your face as though it was something you ASKED them to do. You don't OWE them anything, sweetie, there is no debt to be repaid.

This is such a terrible situation, but I'm inclined to agree with blubirde that you need to try to get out on your own, regardless of what happens with your boyfriend. If they can't respect you enough to let you make your own decisions then probably you need to distance yourself from them. Trying to force you to break up with him is a terrible thing to do. But, that said, I think their concern about your boyfriend is a legitimate one; it's certainly wrong to think he is "beneath you," but there's definitely legitimacy in thinking that the differences in your background and values/goals might eventually become a problem. And although your boyfriend offering to go back to school shows how much he loves you, he shouldn't do that for your parents--he should only do something like that for himself.

gypsyfreak · Coach

I was in a similar sort of situation with my ex. My ex was not college educated and had been working the same dead-end job since he was 18. My mother had informally met him a couple of times and hated him. She had also thought that he was "trash" and "beneath" me, though she never dared to say that to my face. Eventually it didn't work out between us and I think it was because we had absolutely nothing in common. It also got to bother me a bit that he had no ambition or goals whatsoever. He pretty much expected me to provide for him, and he even told me so himself.

I think it's unfair for your mom to put you in that position to force you to choose between your family or your bf. On the one hand, I can see that she's looking out for your well-being. However, you're now an adult and she shouldn't even be forcing you to make that choice. It's a difficult position to be in and I completely symphathize with you.

-- Edited by gypsyfreak at 20:42, 2006-01-31

janey831 · Kate Spade

Thanks for all the comments ladies. I am seriously considering moving out, but right now, I'm letting it ride out for a little bit. Here is some more background on my bf. He didn't go to school, and he knows that in the real world, he will have to work 10x as hard as anyone else to move up in a company, job, and life. He knows that he's uneducated, but can recognize the difference between being uneducated and being stupid. He knows he's not stupid, but that he didn't have the chance to go to school because he was trying to fully support himself since he was 17. When I met him, he was and still is going through a rough patch in his life. He has a good work ethic and works harder than anyone else at any job he has had regardless of what kind of job it was.

You ladies are right, and I have some serious thinking to do. Its just that I feel so torn.

NCshopper · Hermes

Oh janey, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I really don't have any advice because I think the other girls have said it all really well. You have some thinking to do, and I don't envy your situation at all. My heart's going out to you.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I really sympathise with your position -- it's not an easy one at all. On the one hand, your mom is upset because she got the double whammy of learning about your boyfriend and the pregnancy scare all at once, but on the other, the guilt trip she's laying on you is completely out of line. Yes, your parents deserve your respect and love, but they don't get to own or control you for the rest of your life just because they're your parents. They're supposed to raise you to be a functioning, self-sufficient adult, not make you feel like you need to do everything they say forever.

Obviously, I am not in your situation and it's easier for me to say this, but I think you need to really ask yourself if you're ready to make a break out of the nest, so to speak. If it's not this situation with your boyfriend, then your mom will issue similar orders the next time something happens with you that she doesn't like. That is, it's not really your boyfriend that's the problem -- I think your parents will try to exert the same control every time you want to make a decision that they don't approve of.

So, if you want to live life on your own terms, I would suggest moving out on your own and then sticking to your guns. No doubt the guilt trips will come, but as long as you stand by your decision, sooner or later your parents will have to accept it. And about your boyfriend, if you do strike out on your own you will have the best chance of seeing if you really are meant to be together, without the drama and strife of your family's disapproval. You need some time to just figure that out.

Tashina · Kate Spade

my heart goes out to you. my best friends family is the same way and it breaks my heart to see how they treat her some times. she was dating this guy that her family loved and he got her prego and then dumped her and called her horrible names and said that she was trying to trap him bygetting prego and threatened to run her over so she would lose the baby. well she had the baby and she is beautiful and her family is still trying to push her to get married to the guy 3 years later. she has met a guy that she has been dating for about 8 months now and they are so perfect for each other and want to get married and her family is threatenting to cut her out of their lives if she marries him instead of the other guy.

sorry to hijack, but anyway, i think you and J should stick it out and if your family truly wants you to be happy, they will see that you two are good for each other. i hope things work out for you.

Lilykind · Hermes

Sorry for the late and decidedly covoluted response, but I just saw this. My heart really goes out to you. ***hugs***

My parents are also putting a major guilt trip on me, about how they gave up so much for my sister and I and this is how i repay them. It almost seems like they equate love with financial security.

I think this is a very Asian way of thinking. My parents fed me the same lines when I was little. I'm with sephorablue, that guilt trip is ridiculous to put on someone who's an adult now. They chose to give birth to you and they have to live with that.

He told me that he would do anything, go back to school, get a better job, etc, but to be honest, I don't think those things are going to matter to my mom. I thought about moving out, but if I did that, I would have to sacrifice my family, at least for the time being (and trust me, my mother can hold a grudge). Also, in order to move out, I am going to have to be more financially secure. I know that my mom is hurt because i lied to her and I can understand where she is coming from and why she is upset

If your mom isn't willing to forgive and forget, then you would be better off IMO to distance yourself from her. Love is not about following the rules, but understanding that all people are flawed and can't make decisions that make everyone happy. Also, I lied to my mom about my BF (she didn't find out about him until we had been dating for a year and a half) and she's still holding a grude even though this was about three years ago...we haven't said a word to each other in 18 months.

I think J should go back to school only because it is so difficult to get ahead in life without a degree, but I think he should do it for himself and his own personal fulfillment rather than for your parents. J sounds a lot like my best friend, who doesn't really have any stable sense of family and has had to work hard for every penny she makes. She had an opportunity to go to school on full scholarship but couldn't make the grades due to working full time at Wendys to be able to not live out of her car.

Is J ambitious in other ways? I do have a few friends that have forgone college educations. I actually know an adjunct professor at NYU who never went to college. He worked for IBM and made a disgusting amount of money with nothing more than a HS diploma. He didn't go to college because the educational system didn't work for him.

****

I was kind of in a similar situation to yours, but my BF was much older and more financially secure. My (traditional immigrant Asian) parents still put on the guilt trip and my mother was really really bad...she got really bitter that I hid the relationship for so long. She found out when searching through my stuff where she found pictures of my BF and I from the previous summer. She started going on about sh*t like how STDs are so prevalent and if you're having sex with so many guys of course you'll get one or five and then you'll be a whore.... Good grief. I chose my BF over my family and my mother hasn't forgiven me for it (rightfully or not, we'll see...). My BF is not good enough for her (and he's magna cum laude from UT business school and has every single corporation in Texas begging him to come work for them when he graduated...).

My father has forgiven me for hiding my relationship from them, though. But my dad isn't very much of a traditionalist either. I should note that my parents are recently divorced.

PM if you want to talk.