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nicoley


Coach

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Amazing guy I met this WKND. "UPDATE"
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Im usually posting about boy problems etc...  For those of you that forget, I had gone through all sorts of things w2ith my ex who is from England, tried and tried to make it work, but in the end just sort of moved on.  We broke up over 2 years ago, and I have not found anyone that I remotely had feelings for since then.  Well that all changed this weekend!


Im living in a new city so I never go out, mainly because there is noone to go out with!  But my guy friend came to visit me this weekend and we went out friday night.  I end up meeting this guy at a bar (FYI, im very anti pick up guys at a bar)  First off, we have no clue how we even met eachother, we sort caught eyes across the room and then just started talking.  Talked all night, and then went out with him again last night. 


It is so weird, I have never had feelings like this for someone in such a long time... and to top it all off, He is seriously gorgeously beautifully HOT!!  I mean, i by no means think i am a stand out good looking person, So i am literally sitting here, trying to figure out what he sees in me and why he is so into me. 


But heres my problem.. Hes beautiful, so he obviously has a ton of girl friends and you can tell hes very flirty etc..  He can basically have any girl he wants, He keeps telling me that Im different, that he just genuinely enjoys spending time with me, and he keeps saying that he has treated me different than he treats other girls, But i mean come on, how do i know these aren't just lines?  Ive already tried talking to him about it, but we have only known eachother for 2 days, so that probably wasn't a good idea.  But both nights i was with him he continually complimented me over and over again, and i could definitely tell he was interested in me, he asked me all these cute questions like what did i get for xmas, what are my parents like etc.. So i do want to trust him, but he has never had a serious relationship really, and his last relationship he took really hard, and you can tell hes iffy about getting into anything.  But he keeps telling me he wants to be with me, and not just in a friends way. 


So whats a girl to do?  Im really developing alot of feelings for him in such a short time, and starting to worry ill get hurt, Ive finally gotten over my ex, and don't want to go down that road again... but this guy has the most amazing personality, i ususally find that guys that are that gorgeous have huge egos and are overly confident, this guy is so down to earth, and I just really enjoy being with him.. Oh and another thing, you would think being with this hot of a guy id be super awkward and nervous... NO ive never felt more comfortable around someone, almost like weve known eachother forever.  And alot of you probably know my situation of being in a new city and not knowing anyone, this would be a great opportunity to have some company, and someone that is not in my field of study, is even better, and we are the same age :)


So what would you girls do? 



-- Edited by nicoley013 at 15:20, 2006-01-16

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"Deep down you may still be that same great guy I used to know. But it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you" Rachel Dawes, Batman Begins
lynnie


Chanel

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RE: Amazing guy I met this WKND.
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have fun with him.  he thinks you are beautiful- believe it and good things will come.  If he turns out to be a jerk feeding you lines, well, thats a risk you should be willing to take to explore this.  dont rush too fast into things though- you might feel like you've known him forever, but you really haven't.  i know a girl who met her husband at a bar- they just saw each other and kept looking at each other all night, she was about to leave and she pretended she lost her purse or wallet or something to go back into the bar and found the guy and said, i'm sorry but i'd be kicking myself for the rest of my life if i didn't even ask for your phone number.  they were dating for 3 years and got married a year ago.  she's not the bar pick-up type either- a  lot of people aren't- but since you really can meet the right guy anywhere- why not at a bar?  it doesn't have to be the typical booty call hookup thing that most people associate with bar pick-ups.

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joy0302


Kate Spade

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I say hang out with him and get to know him, but try not to get too serious yet. I think you would have a smaller chance of getting your heart broken if you try to look at it more as a friendship for now until you see what he is all about. Good luck and let us know how it turns out! And girl obviously you have more going for you than think if he came up to you out of everyone in the bar!! Have a great time getting to know him.

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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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I agree you should just take it slowly and see what happens. My immediate gut reaction when reading this was DON"T trust him. The empathetic questions, the way you met, the instant chemistry, all sound like reasons to really be friends before anything else. If it's for real, it will show eventually. And don't bother trying to talk to him about it. What's he going to say? "You got me, I'm a player..."

I think it's important to look carefully at what a guy is offering. Does he say things like "I'm not sure I want a relationship but I'm really interested in you..." Girls tend to think that's offering more than it really is. (I have done this more times than I care to think about...) If he's making out with you with no strings attached, then that is what it is. Not what he's hinting it could be... So, is he making plans to see you later? Is he buying you dinner? Is he offering you anything that improves your life? Or is he just hanging out complimenting you and trying to make out? There's nothing inheriently wrong with either option, it just depends on what you want from him right now. And you wont' get hurt as long as your eyes are open.

Good luck, and enjoy the attention - you are a really caring person with a lot to offer. I'm worried you're vulnerable right now because of the situation of being ina new city, and maybe that's keeping me from jumping on the "Hey, go for it..." school of thought. But I think you are definitely worth getting to know, and I would not at all be surprised if that's what this guy really wants. But the only way to find that out is to get to know him...

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Shello


Kenneth Cole

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I say definitely go have fun, but proceed with caution. For some reason, I've been in the situation a lot where guys will tell me that I'm special and they don't know anyone like me...and so on. They want to know everything about me, and they're so incredibly nice and it feels so genuine. However, not a single one of them has ever stayed in my life for more than a few months. I think guys like that tend to get infatuated, and after they think they know you, they find something else that catches their interest.

This guy totally *could* be different, but I would be careful that your feelings don't get hurt, cuz I know mine have been a lot. Besides, if you take it slowly and he feels like he cares more about you than you do about him, he'll probably just try harder if he's really interested in a long-term relationship.

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Maddie


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I would treat it as a rebound guy. Proceed with caution and treat him as if you're using him to get over your ex. Not in a mean way cause it might work out, but don't get too invested in it. However, congratulations! I'm glad you're getting back out there and having fun.

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NCshopper


Hermes

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I'm in the "take it slowly" camp too.  It's really hard to tell if he's genuinely interested or if he's just feeding you lines that he knows most girls like.


Beyond his looks and his lines and your wanting to find someone in a city where you don't know anyone, do you have a gut feeling about him?  My hunch is that you wouldn't be questioning him if there weren't some underlying gut instinct about him that you feel needs to be questioned.  So, I'm kinda skeptical about him, but he could also very well be just a really nice guy.  It's worth looking into.  Your guy friend that was at the bar with you--did he get a chance to meet the guy?  If so, did he have a gut instinct?  Guy friends (ones that are strictly friends and thus can have an objective opinion) can be really great resources and can read other guys without being blinded by the looks and lines. 


Keep in mind as you continue to go out with this guy that you're the one that's in the vulnerable position, for lack of a better word.  You don't know anyone in the city and you just got over a rather long and drawn out break up, so you don't want to end up in a situation where this guy can exploit that. 


Geez, I sound cynical and pessimistic!!!  I swear I'm not, but I just don't want you to get hurt again. 



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nicoley


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Awww you girls are the best!  thanks so much for the advice... Heres an update...


So he calls me at 10 last night to let me know what is going on tonight and where they are going etc... But he was like well im going to be going to a bunch of places and seeing some friends i haven't seen in a long time, so i dont know if its best you come along, just because Ill be talking to these friends i haven't seen in a long time and wont be able to give you a ton of attention, and i was like ok thats cool, to be honest i didnt want to really go out anyones, super tired.  But then hes like maybe we can meet up after, i can give you a call around 2am or so.. and im like im probably going to be asleep, and he was like its not going to be a booty call or anything like that, i respect you enough not to do that, i just want to lay with you and fall asleep, and then im like ok well whatever, and he was like ill just call and see if your still up.  So he calls around 2am and i actually was up talking to some friends, and he wanted me to come over, Well i ended up doing so. And now i feel sort of stupid, i totally shouldn't, but i really wanted to give this guy a chance.  So anyways, I get over there, and we are just sitting on the couch watching a movie (40 year virgin, hilarious) and everything is cool and really cute, and then we were both tired so halfway through we went up to bed.  Long story short we kissed and made out for a long time.  He was telling me how into me he was etc.. blah blah blah.  And now i just got home from his place at 3pm... we layed in bed sleeping all day together, totally cute.  But we both have off school today and start back tomorrow morning... and he says to me... yeah we probably shouldn't hang out during the school week because we get no sleep when we are together.. and im like yea definitely good idea, i mean i really do need to be focused with school, im in pharm school and its super intense.  So then we fell back to sleep together and slept for a few more hours.  And then he had some quiz to take for school so hes like i guess you should be going, and i was like ok... so as we were leaving he was just like your really fun to lay with in bed... and then he said give me a call sometime.  And then i left.


I dont know if its just me, but I feel like a complete loser now, because im begining to doubt how into me he really is... All the other guys ive known that liked me, usually really wanted to see me like alot, and him saying give me a call sometime, sounds like a ok see ya later.. we had a fun weekend, and thats all there was.  I dont know what to think now... hoping maybe you girls can give me an unbiased persepective.   And what should i do?  I totally dont want to call him at all... id really like to wait to see if he calls me, but he told me to call him.  Also another thing to consider... ive only really hung out with while he was drunk, not including the couple hours in the morning when we wake up.  It just seems like he used to ask all these questions trying to find out about me, and i dont knwo if he just ran out of questions or he doesnt care anymore... Sorry this is so long, just really confused right now.



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"Deep down you may still be that same great guy I used to know. But it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you" Rachel Dawes, Batman Begins
JoceyBaby23


Gucci

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RE: Amazing guy I met this WKND. "UPDATE"
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This could be one of two things..


1. You were his 2am booty call..


2. He likes you but doesnt know how to express it and/or doesnt want to come on too strong.


Personally, I am feeling it could be more so Number 1. If he was so into you why wouldnt he make future plans with you before you left his house?


Also, I ALWAYS think going over to hang out at 2am calls for a booty call. I was single long enough to learn my lesson in this department.


I really hope this is not the case with this guy.. But that was my initial gut reaction.


Another thing to add.. It sounds like you are letting him call all the shots.. He told you not to come out with his friends.. he then told you to come over late-night.. he then told you when to leave the next day because he had something to do.. And he then told you to give him a call sometime.


If you do hang out with him again, please please please dont let him keep telling you what to do and letting him call all the shots! Otherwise, you will be setting yourself up to be taken advantage of (in my opinion). Next time, Go over on your terms and leave before he asks you to!


I think you deserve better than this guy - long-term anyway.. Good luck hun!


 


 



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Hermes

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there are so many red flags to me... the thing about not wanting you to go out with him, and the 2am call - absolutely unacceptable.  the "call me" eh eh - no way jose...  also the "we shouldn't spend time together during the week" BS.  since he doesn't want you to come along with him on weekend nights, what does that leave? 2am booty calls.  I really think he is setting the parameters in his actions and what he is saying. 


people like people who make them feel good about themselves.  one way to get people to feel good about themselves is showing a lot of interest in that person by asking a bunch of questions.  I wanted think otherwise and give him the benefit of the doubt when you first posted about him, but now I think he knows the trick of getting girls to fall for you by showing boosting their esteem by asking questions about them (fyi - this does work, if there's someone that you want to have like you whether it's male or female, ask them tons of questions about them and compliment them.) it's a red flag that he only used it once to reel you in.


anyway - I think he knows the tricks, and I think you are being played - and I think you know that too - that's why you feel the way you do. and it's ok - many of us have been in your shoes before.  I'm really sorry that this turned out this way, but at least you are seeing the red flags ahead of time and won't waste any more time on him and can meet someone who treats you like you should be treated!



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D


Hermes

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and honey, don't call him. and don't hang out with him. you're setting yourself up for a bunch of heartache if you do.  you've got to drop him like a hot potato.  you've been hurt recently, and you're vulnerable - don't set yourself up to get hurt right now....


also you are very right - guys that are into you want to spend a lot of time with you... don't ever forget that  



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Maddie


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I wouldn't drop him quite yet, but I would proceed with extreme caution. I agree with the red flags detroit and JoceyBaby mentioned. Calling you at 2am, not letting you go out with his friends, telling you to call him, not hanging out during the week, etc. All siginifies that he's trying to control you and put you in a closed off portion of his life.

Another red flag for me is him going on and on about how much he likes you and how great it is just sleeping next to you, etc. I do not trust people who say things like that. I usually feel they have two objectives. First, their actions are usually saying something different so they have to counteract that with words. Second, I don't believe anyone really likes laying themselves out there like that, so people only do it if they don't really mean it and expect to get something out of it.

So I guess I would say if he calls you I might go out with him, but only on your terms, don't go over at 2am. And I wouldn't call him.

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Andrea Julia


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RE: Amazing guy I met this WKND. "UPDATE"
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When you are with someone you like, do you want to see him a lot?  If you were going to go out with a bunch of friends you haven't seen in a while, would you encourage him not to come along or would you find a way to bring them all together as a group so nobody felt left out?  Would you tell him you thought you should see each other less right after a night of making out and cuddling?  I think the answer to these questions is very important because I don't think things like how much time to spend together and how much privacy you need can ever be comfortably compromised.  If you treat someone a certain way, you deserve to be treated the same back.  If this is how he is acting in the beginning, you can probably expect this is how he is all the time. 


I don't think you did anything wrong by going over.  You liked him.  You wanted to spend time with him.  Unfortunately, it showed you a side of him that you are not comfortable with, but are probably better off knowing it exists. 


I wouldn't see him again.  It seems that if he isn't available during the week and isn't going to invite you when he is out with friends, that all that is left is 2am dates.  Meeting at 2am doesn't always mean it's a booty call, but if it is always 2am, then it is clearly a booty call.  I think the real date to 2am date ratio should be like 20:1.  Anyway, I wouldn't call him and if he called, I probably just wouldn't pick up at all.  I was trying to think of what you should say to him, but this is one of those situations where it is hard to give him a reason without sounding overly into him because you just met him. 


I'm sorry this happened.  I've come across this type of guy a lot in my life:  the charming guy that you feel like you were born to be with because everything seems to fall into place immediately and he seems to fall for you right away.  Like some fairy tale.  Unfortunately, he makes every girl feel this way.  The true fairy tale will most likely be with a guy that is a little more awkward at first and not as hot, but would never dream of asking you to meet up at 2am or talking you out of hanging out so he can hang with his friends instead.  You will find someone!  Just do yourself a favor and drop this guy.  It's confidence-building to walk away from something like this.



-- Edited by Andrea Julia at 17:06, 2006-01-16

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NCshopper


Hermes

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RE: Amazing guy I met this WKND. "UPDATE"
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JoceyBaby23 wrote:

If you do hang out with him again, please please please dont let him keep telling you what to do and letting him call all the shots! Otherwise, you will be setting yourself up to be taken advantage of (in my opinion). Next time, Go over on your terms and leave before he asks you to! I think you deserve better than this guy - long-term anyway.. Good luck hun!    

Ditto to this and to what detroit said.  There are big red flags all over this for me too.  A phone call at 2am from a person of the opposite sex only means one thing: booty call.  It sounds like you know this.  But don't fool yourself into thinking that a 2am phone call means he wants to hang out and "really get to know you" because that's bull.


The "let's not hang out during the week" thing only means that he wants you to be his weekend booty call girl.  It doesn't mean he has your best interest at heart and it doesn't mean that's he's going to study or not hang out with other girls during the week.


I don't think this all necessarily means you need to drop him immediately, but it does mean that if you want to continue hanging out with him, that you should know what the relationship is all about.  Some relationships are only physical, and IMO, there's nothing wrong with that at all...as long as you understand that there's not an emotional connection there and that this isn't the person to call when you've had a hard day or you need to depend on.  These are the relationships that are good for when you just really need some good ass.  That's all there is to it.  So either you're up for that or you're not.  It's fine either way, but just don't let yourself think that this is something that it isn't.



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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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Everyone else has already nailed it - I just wanted to say that walking away from this guy is going to make you feel really good. This type will wait at least a week, probably longer, to call again. Do not answer. Do not return his call. It will bug him more than anything else you could do. And if you run into him again, pretend you can't quite place him. He is not someone that you have to be straight with. He is not someone that you have to worry about his feelings. He is just someone you met, gave a chance, and like Andrea Julia said, then found that his lack of character makes you uncomfortable.

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relrel


Marc Jacobs

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dittoes all over the place, dittoes for everyone. im just adding that i agree with everyone else, nicole, he's not worth the time or effort. yeah, it feels nice to lay around in bed with someone, but it might not feel so nice later on when you realize that he's a jerk and was just using you. please try to ignore his phone calls, i sure as hell know that you are not going to be calling him! right? i know that you are worth more than a phone call at 2 am, that's just silly for a boy to come over then, especially that early in the "relationship". just walk away.

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atlgirl


Gucci

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RE: Amazing guy I met this WKND. "UPDATE"
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Hm. I am sorry, nicoley, but I have to agree with the other girls. He's not indicating a lot of respect for you in general or an interest in a meaningful relationship, IMO. The signs seem to be pretty clear. And he's setting the rules quite clearly very early - don't see each other during the week, don't see each other during the w/ends - what I'd take from that is "don't bother" (from my perspective - I wouldn't waste any more time on him).

I just wanted to say that walking away from this guy is going to make you feel really good

I agree wholeheartedly with Dizzy. Her statement made me think of a guy I used to work with. This guy was def. a player and (this sounds arrogant, though I don't mean it to be!) he wanted me...bad. Bad enough to be pretty clear about it (no strings attached, of course ~insert heavy sarcasm~). So finally, after several weeks of him thinking he was maybe wearing me down, heavy flirting, at work and happy hours (we'd all go out in groups to happy hour) etc., I told him I'd see him...that I was going out on a Friday night but that I'd be home late...like 3 a.m. I gave him my phone # and told him to call or page me (we all had pagers through work, so he knew the pager #). Naturally, at 3 a.m. my phone rang and then my pager rang, and then the phone again...and he left two messages about us getting together, etc...

Of course I didn't answer or call him back; I never intended to sleep with this idiot. So that Monday at work, he's all over me, like "What happened?" and I made up some story about how I was "busy" and couldn't call...he took the implication that I was "getting busy" with someone else (who is "busy" at 3 a.m. anyway?) and you should have seen the look on his face! So offended - who turns the tables on a ladies' man? But you know what? He quit flirting with me and turned his attentions elsewhere, thank God. And though some people might think I was mean, he really was a sleaze and getting the upper hand felt *so* good.

I'm not saying that you should treat your boy like that, but also don't let yourself be played because you're lonely. Remember, no matter how persuasive he is, that YOU make the decisions, and live with the consequences. If you want a FWB or no strings attached relationship with him, then by all means, go for it. But it sounds like you want more, and that you will be hurt if you end up with regrets...and none of us want to see you hurt.





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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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RE: Amazing guy I met this WKND. "UPDATE"
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Atlgirl - that is fabulous! girls have to stick together and teach this type a lesson every once in a while, just for the good of humanity

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nicoley


Coach

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Once again i have to say it.... what would I do without my ST girls!  Everything everyone of you said is exactly what i needed to hear!  Im totally not the girl who wants a friends with benefits type of relationship....And i guess I knew all along he would probably end up like that, even though the countless times he told me he respects me so much more than that...  I was just maybe hoping he would prove me wrong.  But im really glad you girls helped me out and I was able to figure out he was a jerk after only being with him for 3 days instead of 3 weeks or 3 months.  I must admit, im sort of sad that it didnt work out with us, but it would probably be alot harder if i figured it out after we spent alot more time together.  But I promise you girls this... I definitely will NOT NOT NOT call him

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