STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Metric · Gucci

*sigh* another friendship question

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Um, she's being totally psycho. But you know, for her right now every little hurt reminds her of the really big hurt that she's not yet over and perspective is just NOT possible. I divorced last year, and I was such a wreck. I cried when the grocery store wouldn't let me cash a money order - cried right there in the store in front of the clerk. It was awful. Also, i couldn't read the directions for mac and cheese. Emotional upset seriously ruins your brain, so she honestly isn't capable of remembering your schedule. And she's going to seem spacy. Anyone going through something traumatic like that would.

If it were me, I would ask her what she wants from you to feel supported. It's probably less than you think. If you can do it, great. If not, leave the choice up to her by saying something like 'This is what I can do right now because I have to take care of my life too. But I care about you, I want to be there for you and I will call you this often (once a week or whatever)" And then do it, because it's impossible to replace old friends. And because being someone other people can count on when they're down is hard, but it's important too. This is a chance to learn how to be strong and patient and I don't know. I'm such a Pollyanna sometimes. But I wouldn't dump her over this. I would just set limits and let her decide if she can live with them.

Liz · Kenneth Cole

I was thinking right along with what Dizzy said. Maybe you could try to be more proactive about planning things with her since she doesn't plan ahead. That way she'll feel like you want to spend time with her, and you will be able to see her when it's more convenient for you.

sage · Dooney & Bourke

Let this one go.

joy0302 · Kate Spade

I agree with Sage. She doesn't seem to be doing much but making you upset. I dont' think she is being much of a friend anyway. I would just stop talking to her.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Y'all, I'm actually kind of upset by the "she's not doing much so drop her" thing. She might be a loser, but if she's been a good friend in the past, and she's going through a tough time now, it seems cold to dump her. My friends told me last year that I was not as good a friend as I usually am - and usually I am AWESOME at being a friend. So I apologized and tried to do better and now I'm almost back to normal. But I will not forgive the people who just dropped me without saying anything. I can't help feeling like I was there for them, and they weren't there for me. (One girl in particular used to CRY to me at least once a week about her job and her boyfriend and whatever. After I told her I was getting divorced, she never called me again or returned my calls. Never. Not once. I hope she gets shingles...)

Look, divorce is incredibly traumatic. It's like someone died. Only inexplicably, the person you loved is still there trying to take all of your IRA... So gone, but not gone. It's horrible. And seriously, dumping someone going through that because she's mishandling phone ettiquette seems premature... If she's mishandled everything through the years, that's different. But judging her while she's down and hurting really bothers me.

Maddie · Coach

I agree with Dizzy. Try to talk to her about what she's going through and be available to her to talk. She's going through a huge traumatic transition right now and doesn't know how to handle it. Also, it sounds like she hasn't done anything too awful. Obnoxious and hard to deal with, but she didn't kill your dog or anything. If nothing changes after a significant amount of time then drop her, but I think you have too much history and she's in too much of a rough place for you to let her go over this.

Metric · Gucci

ok, Dizzy hold on. I wasn't thinking of just dropping her like that. Its far more complicated.

I was thinking about it and talking about her with my best friend, telling my best friend J what was going on the past few days b/c it has really upset me.

Is it fair to compare your friends? I probably shouldn't but here's the thing: when J called she sounded so excited to hear from me and couldn't wait until we could hang out. (we have been friends for about 4 years and we have tons in common) I spoke to another friend whom we went snowboarding with and she couldn't wait until we could board togeather again. These girls are so happy to be my friends and are so excited to spend time with me. My oldest friend on the other hand (we'll call her C) calls me and gives me shit about never being home and not returning unheard messages. I don't feel like she listens to me and alot of the time when we talk I know she isn't listening b/c she talks to other people in the room when I am speaking. She critisizes me alot, about my life choices, how I spend my money, my clothes. Its like having another (but far worse) mother. And I realize its not just the divorce (although she has gotten worse) she has been like this for a really long part of our friendship.

C and J have never met and when J asked why not? I realized C and J really don't have much in common. C hates to go to bars or pubs, doesn't drink, doesn't like to eat out (J and I both chefs, we live to eat out) and on and on.

J can't figure out what I like about this girl and I am starting to think that way too. Do you stay friends strictly for the history? Would it be totally evil to detatch yourself from a friend during a rough time in their life? Should you just let the friendship naturally fade away?

joy0302 · Kate Spade

Sorry i misread your post. I didn't realize she had gotten a divorce. I am having a blonde day!!

I agree with Dizzy and Maddie in that case. Maybe you can let her know that you are there for her and you care about what is going on. Also though you should tell her that while you want to help her, that since you have a hectic schedule maybe she could call you a couple of days in advance if she wants to make plans. If you feel like you could really talk to her without her getting TOO upset, you could tell her that while you know she is probably just upset about everything else that she really should not hold it against you if you don't call her back if you are on vacation or at work. Maybe she will change if she realizes that she is making you feel like crap and that she is directing anger that she probably feels about her ex onto other people. If after she is feeling better about the divorce and she is still always angry at you then you should rethink about whether or not you want to remain friends. For now just have patience and try and talk with her and hopefully things will get better. Also was she this way before the whole divorce thing?

Metric · Gucci

joy0302 wrote:

Also was she this way before the whole divorce thing?

She has always been *pretty* self-involved (self-centered, whatever). So I find it difficult to talk to her about things because if you bring up your trouble she is always like "but what about me?!"

Since she has been away for 7 years and just recently returned, I am just having a really difficult time re-integrating her back into my life. I am very laid-back and she likes to get her own way. I guess before she moved I was just used to the way she was, and now I'm not. I realize how much better my other friends are- i feel like they actually care about me and what I have to say and what I'm doing.

I don't know what to do. The whole situation makes me really sad.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Oh, it does sound like a different situation. And don't feel bad, it sounds like you're being really conscientious about this. It sounds like she has always had problems with limits. Maybe if you set them, she'll either opt out of the friendship on her own, or she'll accept them and the friendship could be a mutual thing. Either way, it might be easier on you to just say "This is what I can do..." and let her decide if she can live with your limits, rather than you agonizing about it. You can only do what you can do, right? Good luck...