STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
stylethread site home page -> stylethread forum -> relationships -> Upset, but don't know if I should be... need advice!
Post Info TOPIC: Upset, but don't know if I should be... need advice!
bostongal


BCBG

Status: Offline
Posts: 174
Date:
Upset, but don't know if I should be... need advice!
Permalink Closed

So my boyfriend is originally from Australia and has been living here for 5 years. He left 10 days ago to go back home for the first time in 18 months, and won't be back until Jan. 15th. We've been dating about 7 months, so for him to be gone for a month is kind of a big thing.


The first week he was there, he texted me each day, called me three times (which is hard, considering the time difference, cost, etc.), and was generally very in touch. Since Xmas, though, I haven't really heard from him. I texted him Monday night but didn't hear back from him, so I called him last night. We talked for a few minutes - it wasn't a good conversation, but it wasn't bad either. At one point he told me he missed me, and when I told him that later in the convo, all he said was "it's not much longer, I'll be home soon," almost like he couldn't understand why I missed him. Or maybe he was just trying to make me feel better.


Anyway, the main problem is two things: #1, the fact that he's cut back on communicating to me. Really, how hard is it to type a two-line text message or email, just once a day? and #2, the fact that when we talk on the phone I feel like he could care less. It's always been that way, and when we are together everything is fine again, but with a month of ONLY communicating by phone I don't know how I'm going to stand it!


So I recognize that I just kinda have to suck it up and let him have a fun time and just wait until he comes back to see if everything is fine again. I don't want him to feel like I'm trying to rain on his parade, or stifle him, or anything like that. I want him to have a great time, but I want him to miss me too, and to let me know that he is thinking about me... is that too much to ask? arrrgggh.



__________________
bumblebee


Coach

Status: Offline
Posts: 1550
Date:
Permalink Closed

your instinct is right--you need to calm down and let him be home with his family and enjoy it.  i understand that you feel like he doesn't miss you, but do not spin out of control and let him know this--you are needing some validation because he's not around to give it to you, but if you act clingy and desperate, you are only going to make the situation worse.  i have been this girl, and learned my lesson.  when your b-f is home (esp. on the other side of the globe) he has other things to do, people to hang out with that he hasn't seen in a long time, etc.  it doesn't mean he likes you any less or that anything is wrong.  he is just enjoying his time with his family and friends, and if you make it difficult for him and make him feel guilty, he's going to resent you for it.  


i promise you nothing is wrong and you really just need to chill out--find some other things to do to take your mind off it--go to movies, hang out with your own friends, etc.  he's going to be super-excited to see you when he gets home, but until then you need to loosen your grip on him.  trust me. 



-- Edited by bumblebee at 14:46, 2005-12-28

__________________
Elle


Hermes

Status: Offline
Posts: 7139
Date:
Permalink Closed

Fh and I have spent a couple of stretches separated by distance, the longest being 3 months due to school.  It's always harder for the person left behind than it is the person who is away.  For the person who is left behind (you, in this case) you have to continue about your normal life, just with a big chunk missing from it (your BF, in this case) and it can be really difficult.  For the person who is gone, they are in a totally non-normal situation full of unfamiliar people and surroundings - it dulls the accuteness of missing someone quite effectively because they have never experienced the situation with you there, and therefore they can't really miss you in a situation you've never been in before, ya know?  It really doesn't have anything to do with him not actually missing you, it's just that he has a looooooooot of distractions while all you're left with is reminders that he's missing.  Try not to feel bad, and maybe explain to him that you're glad he's having a good time, but you miss him and would like to hear from him more frequently if he's willing .

__________________
To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment ~ {Ralph Waldo Emerson}
JoceyBaby23


Gucci

Status: Offline
Posts: 2744
Date:
Permalink Closed

Honey, I think you may be over-reacting. I really don't see anything wrong with what he's done. Yes he coulda called more.. he coulda texted a few more times but I don't see any reason why you should be worried. You arent going to be talking 5 times a day for an entire month, while he's gone. You have to be strong and learn to live with once a day. (I think once a day is more than reasonable considering he is across the world.) I don't think that he has given you reason to worry and the last thing you should do is begin to act needy. Acting needy, depressed or sad would be reason for him to push you away while he's gone. Because he is home visiting family and friends and should not have to worry if you feel like you are talking to him enough. Stay strong.. and continue to live your life.. Be available but not needy.. and he will be home in your arms in no time at all!

-- Edited by JoceyBaby23 at 15:32, 2005-12-28

__________________
-jocey-
blubirde


Chanel

Status: Offline
Posts: 4845
Date:
Permalink Closed


Elle wrote:

Fh and I have spent a couple of stretches separated by distance, the longest being 3 months due to school.  It's always harder for the person left behind than it is the person who is away.  For the person who is left behind (you, in this case) you have to continue about your normal life, just with a big chunk missing from it (your BF, in this case) and it can be really difficult.  For the person who is gone, they are in a totally non-normal situation full of unfamiliar people and surroundings - it dulls the accuteness of missing someone quite effectively because they have never experienced the situation with you there, and therefore they can't really miss you in a situation you've never been in before, ya know?  It really doesn't have anything to do with him not actually missing you, it's just that he has a looooooooot of distractions while all you're left with is reminders that he's missing.  Try not to feel bad, and maybe explain to him that you're glad he's having a good time, but you miss him and would like to hear from him more frequently if he's willing .


I agree with Elle. I've been the one left at home for a month too. It was MUCH harder on me, I assure you. And it's just like Elle said. He was busy doing new and interesting things while I was at home, waiting for him to call. Ugh. It sucked and it will probably suck for you until he gets back. But once he gets back he'll be there for you just as much as he was before he left. It's probably a guarantee. Stay strong and hang out with as many friends as you can while he's gone!



__________________
http://dailypointers.blogspot.com/
fashionista L


Coach

Status: Offline
Posts: 1590
Date:
Permalink Closed


Elle wrote:




Fh and I have spent a couple of stretches separated by distance, the longest being 3 months due to school.  It's always harder for the person left behind than it is the person who is away.  For the person who is left behind (you, in this case) you have to continue about your normal life, just with a big chunk missing from it (your BF, in this case) and it can be really difficult.  For the person who is gone, they are in a totally non-normal situation full of unfamiliar people and surroundings - it dulls the accuteness of missing someone quite effectively because they have never experienced the situation with you there, and therefore they can't really miss you in a situation you've never been in before, ya know?  It really doesn't have anything to do with him not actually missing you, it's just that he has a looooooooot of distractions while all you're left with is reminders that he's missing.  Try not to feel bad, and maybe explain to him that you're glad he's having a good time, but you miss him and would like to hear from him more frequently if he's willing .


I also think Elle made a good point. Just try to suck it up and distract yourself, He will be home before you know it!!





__________________
~ Leslie
bostongal


BCBG

Status: Offline
Posts: 174
Date:
Permalink Closed

OK, I'm REALLY glad to hear that I seem to be overreacting. That was my gut instinct, but I needed an outside opinion! I've definitely been playing it cool, I don't think he has any clue that I have been upset about this. And like you've all said, I DEFINITELY don't want to alienate him while he's over there or make him think that I'm anything but thrilled (which I am!) that he gets to spend some time with his family and friends. I think I'm just going to let him take the reins on the communication, and I'll follow his lead. After all, there's no better way to get a guy to call you than to just sit back and chill  


Thank you soooooooo much for all your advice!!!!! I feel a lot better now



__________________
JoceyBaby23


Gucci

Status: Offline
Posts: 2744
Date:
Permalink Closed

Oh good! I'm so glad you are feeling better about the situation already. Your new approach is definately the way to go!

__________________
-jocey-
bostongal


BCBG

Status: Offline
Posts: 174
Date:
Permalink Closed

He also sent me a text message last night, saying that he misses me and loves me... sometimes he surprises me with his ability to tell if something has upset me even if I am REALLY careful to keep my feeling low-key. I guess he knows me better than I think  Anyway thanks again all for listening and for keeping me from doing or saying anything I would have regretted!

__________________
fashionista L


Coach

Status: Offline
Posts: 1590
Date:
Permalink Closed

I'm so glad you feel better!!

__________________
~ Leslie
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
stylethread site home page -> stylethread forum -> relationships -> Upset, but don't know if I should be... need advice!
Tweet this page Post to Digg Post to Del.icio.us


Create your own FREE Forum
Report Abuse 		Powered by ActiveBoard