STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

I don't think you're thinking of it simplistically at all. I think that, as with most things, you've thought about this and analyzed it and come to the conclusion that you may be happier alone. I spent ten years living alone, dating when the opportunity came up - and had some long-term relationships during that time, but ultimately they all ended up going nowhere and so we broke up. Usually it was me doing the breaking up, because it just didn't make sense to continue on together.

I had gotten to the point where I was really comfortable being alone - no one to answer to (I'm very independent), no one messing with my stuff, etc. But then I met my DH (I was 30 at the time) and knew within roughly two weeks that he was a potential life partner. So it may simply be that you have not met the right person yet.

Let me be the first to say that it hasn't been easy at times. Just his moving in with me, after a few months of dating, was traumatic. I value my alone time very, very highly, and was kind of freaked out at the idea of "he'll be here *every* night, when I get home..."; just having his presence THERE all the time was unnerving. We had to institute a rule that whenever I got home from work after he did, I got 30-60 minutes of "down time" and then I'd chat with him about how our days went, and so on. Interestingly, he is more extroverted and I am very introverted, so we've had to adapt some other things for him, to ease our interactions.

Adjusting to someone else's way of doing things, and making some of those inevitable relationship compromises, was also a struggle, and sometimes still is (for both of us). But we've both learned to pick our battles, and I think that not getting married until later in life, when we knew ourselves pretty well, helped - we both pretty much know what we can - and can't - live with. Though over the course of my marriage (5.5 years), many things have changed, and some things I never thought would be issues have become issues. And some issues have become nonexistent as we've grown together. It's a trade-off, I guess. But I also think getting married later in life means that you bring different expectations to the table. If I'd gone straight from living at home into marriage, as women used to do years ago, I'd have been a totally different person, and would have had a very different perspective.

I personally feel that if I was single again for any reason (though I would prefer not to be!), I would not re-marry. I think I am better suited to dating...I read somewhere about couples who actually maintain separate residences, even though they are married, and they are quite happy living that way. They mentioned that it keeps a "dating" feel to the marriage, and allows for a lot of personal time. I can see that working for some folks.

However - marriage has taught me a LOT about myself. IMO the mindset (for me, at least) is completely different from dating; it's NOT just a piece of paper that makes things legal. I feel that having committed to marriage, I owe my husband more effort at "togetherness" and more respect than I did my old boyfriends. I mean to respect the fact that I did make the commitment of marriage to him and I need to honor that. If we hadn't been married all this time, I might have walked away from a dating relationship with him...because I am not the most patient person in the world, by far. But I've learned much about working through things instead of just (metaphorically) throwing up my hands and throwing in the towel. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone and as much as he drives me crazy sometimes (and I him, to be fair), I would rather be with him than without him. So...with that preference as my working model, it logically follows that I will put in more effort to work things out, and help make our relationship the best it can be.

I do think, Dizzy, that society puts a ton of pressure on people to be part of a couple; married or not. And I think that's unfair. I was perfectly fine with the idea that I might be single for the rest of my life. And while it did get lonely at times, I really liked my single life! I never wanted to be in a relationship with someone just for companionship. I also think that society really doesn't teach people how to interact with others on a long-term basis...and maybe that's not society's job; maybe it's just an adjustment thing everyone has to go through...and some people (like me) adjust harder than others. But so many people go into marriage with the idea of how "perfect" things will be, and they are never perfect. No relationship is. Sharing a life with someone is a huge commitment, and the storybook doesn't close once the wedding is done, like the fairy tales and movies tell us. A whole other chapter begins, and it's not always easy.

Sorry for going on, but I've thought about this alot, especially in the context of my own life / marriage, and I do believe that someone choosing to be alone (or remain alone, if no more appealing option presents itself, is absolutely optional. If you are meant to be with someone, that someone will come along - you don't need to be BF hunting. And if you are not meant to be with someone, that will work itself out too. There's no reason why you can't be happy alone. I voted for "it depends on where you are in life", but I was very tempted for "not everyone can be her best in a relationship". Despite what Corporate America tries to shove it down your throat, not everyone CAN be a team player. Some people are just mavericks. And I see nothing wrong with that. It takes all kinds. *s*




-- Edited by atlgirl at 09:15, 2005-12-21

-- Edited by atlgirl at 09:15, 2005-12-21

I totally agree with blubirde that you meet the right person when you're finally able to accept your life as it is.  If you feel like something's missing in your life and that a guy will somehow fill that void, it'll be apparent to him (maybe subconciously) and it won't work.  Realizing that a guy is a great addition to your life instead of seeking out guys in order to fill some sort of void is a HUGE step.  I've always treated my husband as a person that I choose to have around and choose to love instead of being someone I need to have in my life and that makes a huge difference.  And seriously, I met him not long after I made the realization that a man is a nice addition, not a necessity. 

Also, and it sounds like you're very much this way too, but I'm stingy with my time.  Meaning, if I didn't like a guy was worth the hassle, then see ya!  I cherish my alone time.  Always have and always will.  So it takes someone REALLY special for me to give that up.  I was that way with guys, and I'm the same way with my friends.  For me, it also meant knowing the reason for being in a relationship--some relationships are just for sex, some are a little bit more meaningful, and some are life changing.  Knowing the difference between them helps weed out the ones that are worth spending time on and which ones aren't.

Anyway, you probably know all this already.  I really think some people are better off not being married, and that's absolutely fine.  I'm not sure where the idea came from that you need to be paired up with someone to have a rewarding, fun, fulfilling life.  It's always nice to share life's experiences with someone, but I don't think that sharing those experiences is worth the trade off if you're with that person just so you don't have to go through life alone.  Hope this makes sense.