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Shello


Kenneth Cole

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Posts: 423
Date:
Objective Opinions Needed
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I'm having sort of a boy situation, or I've been having one for quite some time and I can't make up my mind what to do and I could really use some help because I just seem to be stuck in a repeating pattern. It's a long story though, I'm sorry!

I dated this boy for almost a year and half before we officially broke up. The first 8-9 months of our relationship were really the best in my life. I have kind of a bad situation at home, so I spent almost every day at his house, eating with his parents, and leaving only to sleep. His family was so welcoming and I really just felt safe and secure for the first time. I also looked up to his mom completely. She does everything that has to be done, and she does it all perfectly from cooking to decorating to painting and building things. She even spent a week at my house repainting and designing my bedroom so that I would feel better at home, too.

After about 8 1/2 months, this new computer game came out, and the boy could not stop playing it. I tried anything and everything to get him to pay attention to me, or to interact with the game so he could do both, but no, it wasn't fun for him when I was there. The boy has two girls that he is really close friends with, both of whom he has a history with. One of them told him that she likes him, even though she knows he was dating me, and the other (who used to go to my high school, had a fiasco, and I used to be friends with and defended to people) announced that she hated me, and had always hated me, just out of the blue. I was really upset by both things, and I would sit at his house and cry about it while he played his computer game and ignored me. He said he didn't understand what the problem was, because he wasn't going to do anything about the girl liking him, and he didn't care that his friend hated me.

I eventually told him that I had enough, and I couldn't deal with being upset and his not caring that I was upset, so he had to choose me or the computer game. He actually chose the computer game, and then five minutes later changed his mind and said he was an idiot and that he would be nicer. He was nicer sometimes for the next few months. Actually, mostly he would just be okay and when he was mean he would buy me something to make up for it.

During the summer, I was working at a courthouse, and he was lifeguarding. I spent all my free time with him and literally did nothing. His favorite activities are swimming (which he did all day), playing video/computer games (which he stopped doing around me), and sitting on the couch watching tv. This really started to bother me, it became a chore just getting him to go see a movie or drive somewhere. Over the summer, I kissed my best friend (who I'd sort of had a thing for all of high school but it just never worked out). My best friend isn't someone I could ever date since he's brilliant, Chinese (with over-protective parents), and super-Christian (I'm sort of Jewish). I don't understand what I was thinking then, but I knew it was something about being 18 and needing to do it before we went to college (he goes to Stanford, I'm in Boston) and just thinking that things with the boy were either going to work out or not, but I'd live either way.

By the way, the boy and I go to the same college, live in the same building, on the same floor, down the hall from each other (about a ten second walk). The boy got over it and actually didn't care that much, though weeks later he said he did. When we first got to school, I was really anxious to make friends and branch out and try all sorts of things, so I went to a bunch of club meetings and dragged the boy with me. Some things he seemed really interested in and talked about joining swim team and stuff, which isn't my thing, but I made sure to encourage him.

A couple weeks later, I had a retreat for a leadership program I joined. This boy there kissed me, even though I had told him that I had a boyfriend and it was one of those split-second things I really wasn't expecting at all. I was attracted to him though, so attracted, I hadn't felt that strongly in ages which was odd because I hadn't noticed that I wasn't really feeling I guess. (I hope this is all coming out in a semi-coherent way.) I got home, and didn't tell the boy because I didn't think anything would happen and it would upset him for no real reason. However, while I was at class, the boy read through my AIM logs and confronted me about it, and broke up with me on the spot.

I was really confused and hurt and I didn't know what to do or what I wanted. I begged the boy to get back together with me. For some reason it just never occurred to me that things could be over with us. I thought he was my soulmate and we would always be together, and that was just that. After a day, he said we could go out again. By then, the shock sort of drained and I started thinking that maybe I should figure out what I wanted so that I didn't hurt him again, so I told him that maybe I needed some time to figure things out and he took that as "breaking up with him" and got really mad at me.

Since then, we've been in this weird cycle. We're not together, we're not apart, we're just stuck. We pretty much act like a couple, spend some time together, not as much as before though because I really care about school and I became really active, while he plays video games. This is kind of the problem. I'm in a lot of activites and he is in zero. He never followed through with joining any of the things he wanted to, and honestly, it really disappoints me because he wastes SO much time every day on a computer game. He barely spends any time on his work and doesn't keep up because he's a good test taker and thinks he can goof-off til finals. I don't know if he can or not, but I realize that I have to leave his study habits to him and worry about my life. I know it's not fair, but it really does irritate me that he doesn't do anything. The other problem, which is sort of related, is that I can't ever really count on him. We'll go to bed and say "okay breakfast at 8" and then I'll have to call him repeatedly at 8, 8:05, 8:10, 8:15, and maybe he'll get up by the seventh ring, and never apologize and act like everything is fine. Many days, I'll come home from a meeting and we'll have plans to get dinner at 7, and I'll call and call and wonder where he is, and end up getting dinner to eat in my room alone. Finally, at 10 or 11 he'll call back and say he fell asleep. There's never a sorry. I know this is all minor stuff, but it's seriously like every day, and I yell at him so much about it and he never has an answer. Lately, all he does is promise to change and then every day there's the same deal.

I just don't know what to do in general about this. It's hard to end things because we live so close to each other and I'm just used to being with him so much every day. At the same time, I feel like if there was anyone else I wanted to be with, I wouldn't care anymore, but I don't know because it's not the case. Any advice would be much appreciated. I feel like I'm leaving a lot of important details out, but this is such a long post already. Sorry!

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NCshopper


Hermes

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Posts: 6065
Date:
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Hmm...that's a tough situation.


You asked for an objective opinion, and so I'll give you one.  I'm going to be honest with you though. 


It sounds to me like he thinks of you more as a sister than he thinks of you romantically.  You said you a bad situation at home, and it sounds like you became a member of his family to supplement your own family.  That's great that you were able to count on them and have them to look up to if you can't get that from your own parents, but I wonder if maybe he started taking it for granted that you'd be at his house and you'd hang out with him instead of actively working at your relationship.  If he knows that you're coming over for dinner regardless of whether or not he calls you, then why call?  Why not just go play computer games if he knows you're going to hang out anyway?  You see what I'm saying?


It also sounds like he's become a bit of a security blanket for you.  He's someone you know you can turn to and he's not far away.  Your freshman year of college is always particularly difficult anyway, and it's always nice to have a familiar face and be able to turn to someone that you have a history with.  And it's especially convenient for you because he lives right down the hall for you.  But he's being unreliable and it sounds like you're turning to him just because he's the familiar face instead of turning to him because he's the one that gives you the support you need.


I think for the sake of your own personal and academic success in college, you probably need to stop seeing him.  It might be tough at first, but I think it'll be better for you in the long run.   I know you'll be disappointed if his grades aren't great and if he doesn't make a whole lot of friends this year, but you know what?  That's all his problem.  You have to live your life and if 20 years from now he regrets that he didn't live it up in college, that's his problem.  Not yours.  Dragging him along to club meetings and social events is doing nothing but coddling him which just reinforces a sibling relationship in his mind.


He's not being reliable and he's not giving you the respect you should get.  If you're doing all of the work (ie calling him, making dinner plans, etc.) then the relationship as it stands is completely off balance.  I think you might regret 20 years from now having spent so much of your freshman year of college sitting around waiting for him instead of living the life you should be living.  Keeping yourself occupied and sticking with the clubs that you joined is a great first step to meet people.  Make dinner plans with other people or have breakfast with a group of girlfriends.  Throughout college you'll meet people and make friendships that will last forever.  I suggest you spend your time with other people and before long you'll find that there are plenty of other guys out there that you're interested in.



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relrel


Marc Jacobs

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Posts: 2065
Date:
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Shello wrote:

At the same time, I feel like if there was anyone else I wanted to be with, I wouldn't care anymore, but I don't know because it's not the case.

sweetie...why would there have to be someone else for you to be happy without the boy? are you saying that you will stay with this boy who doesn't seem to be very healthy with you until you find someone else to replace him? in my objective opinion, you might need to learn how to be with yourself. i know, i know, no one wants to be lonely...but there is a different between alone and lonely. can you give us some more background, you are in college and living at home, right? i assume then that the college is nearby? is there anyway you can move into the dorms or into an off campus apartment with friends? then you could be out of your house and not have to rely on the boy so much. don't use the boy and your relationship as a way to be away from your family. ive been in the situation where i stayed with a boy even beyond the death of the relationship just because i couldn't imagine not being with him...but it was bad.


 


keep us updated, okay? remember, think of yourself first. it sounds like the relationship is over and now is the time when you need to start thinking of yourself. what do you want? can you get whatever that is by staying with him? be honest with yourself, way deep down inside you have your own objective opinion on what you need to do, listen to that voice.



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blubirde


Chanel

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Posts: 4845
Date:
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I agree with NCShopper. This is probably your first serious boyfriend, right? For some reason, those are always the hardest to see reality with. I think you're better off without him. It sounds like you're growing up and moving on with your life. He may or may not be doing this also but it's obvious y'all aren't growing together anymore.

It's alright. You'll be happier once you have the freedom to go where your life takes you. Then you don't have to feel guilty about kissing someone else, joining activities, or making new friends. A whole world is waiting for you. Don't let someone keep you from joining it.

Besides, y'all are both young. In 10 years y'all will both be COMPLETELY different people. Who knows? Maybe y'all will reconnect then or you'll have found someone so wonderful you won't even remember the first boy.

Stay strong!

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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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Posts: 2130
Date:
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It sounds like he's getting on your nerves. You won't be a bad person if you break up with him. And you don't need a reason other than not wanting to be with him to end things. It kind of sounds like maybe you hope another guy or his computer games could give you the excuse you need to get out of this. But you dont' need an excuse.

I think you'll find that his mother and family still care about you, too. I'm not close to my family either, and I've had similar situations. The thing that's hard to learn, is that people tend not to leave your life completely even though you change the parameters of the relationship, and that other people can come into your life too. Does that make sense?

Another thing is, it kind of sounds like this boy has been a substitute for finding your own things. I do this too, just sit there and watch admiringly while the guy does somethign stupid with somethign that I don't care about, like a video game. The way to get out of it, and a good way to get HIM to want out of it pretty quickly, is to do what you're already doing. Just pick things that sound fun to you and try them. That might be why he's sort of mad at you lately, you're not so much of an audience for him. But that's a good thing. You don't have to make him feel good all the time. And deep down you know you don't admire him.

So basically, I agree with everyone else. You're already well on your way to doing thigns you want and enjoying yourself. It's ok that he's not in the same stage. And it's ok if things change with you two. Good luck. Oh, and maybe talk to his mother and ask her what she thinks. I'll bet she'll tell you to break up with him.



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kisa


Dooney & Bourke

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Posts: 586
Date:
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Oh my god, my boyfriend does that stupid video game thing too!!!! I will make this short and..not so sweet. To me, the fact that there was ever any question in his mind choosing between you and a video game means that he is just not that crazy about you. Then again maybe he was just being stubborn, and now he has some sort of major stress in his life. If you ask him why he is so unreliable/sleeping past your dates all the time maybe you can work through it. Also, what computer game is it? Maybe you can join him in multiplayer, I do this with my boyfriend sometimes! Anyways, I hope you feel better soon.

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