STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Andrea Julia · Coach

n/a

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

RE: I don't think I like my new co-worker :(

NCshopper · Hermes

Wow. Wow.

I cannot believe he hit you over the head with the papers. If your boss doesn't talk to him about THAT, you should take it to HR. Seriously. That is just not okay.

It seems to me that he's MAJORLY insecure about something and sees you as a threat. Otherwise, why would he need to put you down? Especially in front of others. If he really didn't like the way you had done something, he would have just talked to you about it in the privacy of your office. Since he didn't do that and felt the need to do it in front of other people, I think he's trying to sabotage you for whatever reason. And the fact that he makes promises to clients that won't be kept only further proves that. He knows what you guys can and can't do and he's setting himself up so that you're the one that disappoints the client, not him.

So, I think you're right in talking to your boss about it. Start documenting all of these incidents so that you'll have something to refer to when talking with your boss. I'd initially talk to your boss one-on-one and see see if you can't be paired with someone else to work with. If that's not an option, you're going to have to figure out what the deal is with him and see if you two can't resolve it.

I'd be wary of eye-rolling and whatnot because you don't want to be perceived as the girl with a bad attitude and you don't want your bosses to think you have a difficult time working with people. You want to be the model employee here and let him be the one who self-destructs. (And in my experience, people like these eventually show their true colors to the boss and they will self-destruct.) I'd be careful what you say to the client too. You don't want them to think that you two don't have a good relationship, because if they decide not to work with your company any longer, you don't want the fingers to point to you as having lost a client.

So, unfortunately, I think talking with your boss with the purpose of finding a solution is probably your best bet. I've found that in these situations, a simple "Here's my situation, what would you recommend I do?" works really well. It a) flatters the boss because you're seeking their oh-so-wonderful opinion, and b) makes you come across as someone that's looking for a solution instead of just pointing out others's problems.

HTH! And good luck. The whole situation sounds absolutely humiliating.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

FWIW, I've found that talking to the boss about personal problems with someone higher up than you might work if you're at an awesome company that doesn't want to hinder worker productivity with bs. But generally, it's a really, really, really bad idea.

1) Any boss is going to put you in yoru place, because he doesn't want to hear from the other boss or go toe to toe on something that is not his or her problem.

2) It makes you look bad. Sure it's a bad situation, but there are tons of bad situations all the time and you're expected to handle them, not run ot the teacher everytime someone doesn't play fair.

3) It will get back to the first boss, because any fair person will ask for his input, and then he will really target you.

4) It will harm your relationship with the first boss, because he or she will not want to be put in this conflict and will resent you for not handling it on your own.

There are probably more reasons, these are just some of the things I've seen happen. Please, please, please don't do this. And NCShopper, I love you. You are very sweet. You obviously have worked with much, much, much nicer people than I have. I hope you never meet the creeps I know.

Finally, I am NOT advocating eye rolling in a bad attitude way. I am advising you to condescend to him because it will take the fun out of pushing you around. He can still do it, but if you have an attitude of "Yes, yes here we go again..." he will leave you alone because it will be puzzling and frustrating for him since he wants you get upset, react and then he can make you look bad for reacting. And if you give him a negative consequence for his sabotage, he will find someone else to pick on. This type of person always has someone to pick on, and you generally don't want it to be you.

PS - You can document the incidents, but you're just going to look crazy if you try to take this kind of thing to HR. So he hit you over the head. Bizzare, but they don't know what to do about that. Bringing stuff like this to HR is generally going to be a bad idea for the same reasons I listed above. Having a record of his over-promising is a good idea, though, wish I'd thought of it. But not for HR, to show your boss if you ever get in trouble for one of his dramas.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 17:50, 2005-12-11

PS II - Oh, and the way to hurt his reputation and so sort of prevent any damage he might be doing to yours, if you feel like being evil, is to subtly mention what he's doing in a way that makes it seem like either you understand how hard he's working "Oh, he puts in such long hours, I totally understand when sometimes he mixes up our accounts..." or you want to help him "I think he could use an assistant or something, he seems overwhelmed these days..." My ex boss (the devil, btw) used to do this to the people she wanted fired. Very effective. Very hard to combat. Oh, and make sure he's not doing this to you behind your back by asking people you trust.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 17:59, 2005-12-11

PS III - to pull it all together, the point is to not react to him, and going to your boss is a reaction. In his eyes he'll see it as a win and a sign of weakness, making you an even better target. And if he plays dirty, the way it seems, he's probably ready for it and will just make you look bad anyway.

PS IV - you might not work ina s crazy an atmosphere as I have, and being normal mgiht actually be workable. But I would still be wary of asking a higher up to solve your problems. It's just not a good idea.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 18:50, 2005-12-11

NCshopper · Hermes

You brought up some good points that I didn't think about, Dizzy. I don't think I understood your eye-rolling technique, and my initial impression was that it would come across as having a bad attitude, but I get what you're saying now, and I think it could work.

Also, FWIW, I work in a really small office, and my boss IS the big boss, and that's who I turn to when I'm having problems, so that seems like the natural instinct to me. I think how we all deal with work issues is totally dependent on the type of work environment we're in and ours are all a little different. I also have a pretty decent relationship with my boss and I've found that when I'm having an issue, asking him in a "I need your advice. What would you do?" kind of way works really well. But it won't work for everyone.

You certainly don't want to go to the boss or to anyone in HR looking like a tattle-tale. And going to the boss or HR is a last resort type of option if you can't reconcile things with this guy on your own. Handing a list to the HR person with all the things this guy has done wrong will definitely not work for you...I'm saying make a list so that you can remind yourself of things that you may forget a month or so down the road should it come to that. And these would be things you would discuss with your boss, NOT with HR. In general, I would leave the professional problems within the department and not go to HR about them. Issues like harrassment though are best left to HR.

I generally prefer just to deal with people and talk to them instead of playing mind games, so I guess I'm just advocating more of a straightforward approach. Unfortunately, I have had my share of working with people that are less than pleasant to work with, and I've always used a pretty straightforward approach, and that's what works best for me.

-- Edited by NCshopper at 20:46, 2005-12-11