STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

kisa · Dooney & Bourke

Is this weird?

Eurodaisy · Dooney & Bourke

I don't think it's weird, though I can't speak from experience... I can see how, if you weren't already itching to get married, the idea of being a "second wife" might be distasteful. But when you do find "the one," (whether it ends up being this guy or someone else) these kind of things bother you less, methinks.

Bastet · Kate Spade

I don't think it's weird to not want to be the "second wife" if you've never been married before. If my hubby had been married for 8 years to someone else, I'd be worried that he was comparing every aspect of our marriage to his first marriage. But, that could just be my own weirdness.

Plus, part of the fun/ excitement of getting married is sharing all the experiences of being married for the first time.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I don't even like thinking about my boyfriend's ex-girlfriends, so I think I can understand how you feel. However, the thing I always remind myself of is, those relationships all ended for a good reason, and I am sure the same applies to your boyfriend's marriage. If he's doing any comparing of your relationship to that one, he's probably thinking about how much happier he is now than he was back then.

Also, these relationships and experiences, be they positive or negative, help make us into the people we are. If you love this guy, then part of what made him the man you love is this marriage that ended.

I don't know how old you are or how long you have been together, but if you really love him and think he could be "the one," I hope you can put the icky feelings about being a second wife behind you. The love and happiness you could share with him are much more important than the fact that he was married before. HTH!

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

from what i remember about your relationship, it's still in the early stages, no? i thought i remembered you posting that you were going to go meet him for the first time not too long ago? anyway, my initial reaction is it's a bit early for him to be talking marriage and that i wouldn't want to be the second wife either so i understand where you're coming from.

but here's a hopeful story for you: my friend in law school met her now hubby through this internet dating service (i think it was called LA matchmaker) and he had a crazy ex-wife (with the same first name as my friend!) who he had 3 kids with, so there was certainly a ton of baggage. but now they're married and have a totally loving relationship.

so i guess you just never know, you know?

NCshopper · Hermes

Hmmm...I know that being his second wife isn't ideal, but I wouldn't think it'd be a deal breaker either. Ideally if you guys were to get married, it would be great for you to experience being married with someone who'd also never been married before. But I don't think it matters that much.

My husband, who was never married before, had a child with an old girlfriend of his, who they put up for adoption. It's an open adoption, so my husband has been involved in his child's life, and I know that some day his child will probably want to have some sort of relationship with my husband. All of which is fine. Is it ideal? Not really. I'd be great if when we have a kid, it would be both of our first child, but in reality, I don't think it matters all that much. I know that when we have kids, he'll love them and be a great dad, regardless of the fact that he's had one before. Same thing with marriage. If your boyfriend is great, and you think he'd be a great husband, then what does it matter that he's already been married once?