STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Misty · Dooney & Bourke

Pls help me calm down before I lose it ...

Christine · Coach

I'm sorry he pulled this on you without being upfront right away. My advice is to have your own Christmas with your daughter on the 26th. For example, my FH's parents are divorced, and when he was younger, he'd have Christmas with his mom on the 25th and Christmas with his dad on, say, the 28th. They took turns getting to "have him" on Christmas day - it alternated each year. IMO, I think that's the best way to look at this situation.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

He's trying to hook you with the biggest, most painful thing he can think of right now. It must be incredibly frustrating. I can't imagine being on the receiving end of that kind of meanness. FWIW, and I know it's hard, I think it's important not to let yourself be hooked. It'll only get worse if he sees it works.

If it were me, I would bypass the details of what he said and when - he's just goign to try to wear you down by arguing each stupid little point until you want to kill him. (Of course, you might justifiably be there already). It might be effective to say something like, "I can see you haven't worked out all your feelings here. I'm sorry you feel like you have to use our daughter to get back at me. I think when she's older she will see through you, but I want you to know I will never badmouth you for this because I understand. I'm hurt too..."

Something like that, to show that you see he's being a jerk; you acknowledge it; and you're not goign to keep the cycle going. If he has a decent bone in his body, he'll feel like shit. And if he doesn't, he'll be furious that he looks bad and you can't be baited. (People like this always think they're stupid plans are invisible and FREAK when they're found out - especially if they're found out and the finder acts like it's no big deal).

I'm divorced, so my ex pulled a few things like this too. And my mom is the master of shit like this. But I don't have kids, so I don't know exactly how you feel. It must hurt so much. I'm really sorry he ruined your christmas. He'll get his eventually - probably when your daughter realizes that he's petty and vengeful and that you were the one she could depend on. Hope this works out for you sweetie. Take care of yourself.

PS - even if you get the emergency hearing, and win - it will take a lot out of you to do it, so he sort of wins anyway. And he will JUST PULL SOMETHING EQUALLY BAD AGAIN and probably again and again and again. You can't let him get his jollies out of this. And allowing it to hurt you is what gets him off. You have to take the fun out of it for him by pitying him. That's the only way to really win the war. I know it's hard. But you want his presence in your life to deflate to something manageable, and fighting him just makes him such a big part of your life that he takes over.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 15:29, 2005-12-05

Sunshinegirl · Kate Spade

I'm sorry. Please try not to cry. I wish you could work something out. I know how this goes. My husband has to go through this with his ex-wife. We had her for Thanksgiving and we wont get her till a few days after christmas (she will be gone for almost two weeks before christmas and returns in town the day of christmas but her mom still wants her for a couple of days after that).

Nothing is fair in these situations. But whatever you do, dont let your daughter see that you despise your ex-husband. it's just not good for her.

Good luck with everything.

jj · Kate Spade

I am so sorry!!! I think it's pretty sneaky that he said "things will work out," and then made them work out in his favor. WTF?

Seriously, if this is the first incident you have had, I would not try to get an emergency court hearing. That could only freak out your daughter during (what should be) a happy time for her.

What I WOULD do is schedule something after the holidays to establish a binding schedule for both of you to follow so this never happens again. It could be 50/50 on the 25th or every other year. If you leave things the way they are, it will only cause stress every year.

If you want to spend christmas with her, go to wherever she is, use all of your powers to put on a happy face and make the best of it. Your daughter will be so grateful!!

luckylily · Gucci

Oh, I'm so sorry. It seems like you and your ex were doing a good thing by deciding to work things out as you went along, and now he's done this.

I think that in order to spare your daughter the knowledge that things might not be going well with you and your ex, you should let it go and celebrate Christmas with her on the 26th. However, you and your ex should firm up a more clear agreement for the future. For example, decide in January how you are going to do next years holidays and put it in writing.

blubirde · Chanel

(((((((hugs))))))) Please don't be upset. I know it must suck but I think you should do like the other girls suggested and plan a huge to-do on the 26th. Make it a wonderful Christmas when she comes home. Do all the cool mother/daughter stuff that you can't do on Christmas because everything's closed. It can still be a special time with you and your daughter.

All that said, I think I'd go to the court and get a holiday declaration (or whatever it's called) for the future. That way there's no question about anything for future holidays.

Stay strong Misty!

alb · Marc Jacobs

I'm so sorry Misty! That is horrible--he is totally trying to manipulate you. I think it's very reasonable to allow you to spend that week with her and then have him get her on the 26th--the opposite of the way you have it now. Even then, he would still get a lot of time with her. Can anyone at your firm help you get an emergency hearing? I assume it wouldn't hurt anything to file an emergency petition and just hope that it's heard before he leaves to go skiing. OTOH if it's set while he's on vacation, then he'd be a no show which wouldn't look very impressive to the judge. I'd try it. At least you will feel like you have a little control over this and maybe he won't pull this crap again. Take care, sweetie!

NCshopper · Hermes

Wow. I'd want to rip his head off too. That's ridiculous. I hate to say it, but you might want to get this settled with a lawyer for the future because I'd hate for you to have to deal with this every year.

That really sucks. If you can hold off, don't talk to him until you can cool down a bit because you don't want to say anything that you'll regret or that could be used against you. I think it says a great deal about you that you're willing to compromise with him, but I think there's something going on with him, like he wants to "win" or be right or something, so that he's unwilling to compromise with you. Your compromises are totally reasonable, so the fact that he's unwilling to take you up on them tells me that he's being a pain in the ass for the sake of being a pain in the ass.

Grrr! I'm pissed off for you!

Bastet · Kate Spade

What a jackass! I second what bluebirde said about trying to get your declaration amended to state who gets to spend what holidays with your daughter. Sometimes, a document like that is best, because it prevents things like what your ex is trying to pull.

Kincali · Dooney & Bourke

I agree with the other girls, I would just plan on the 26th as being your shared Christmas holiday with your daughter. That way you can let go some of the stress you are feeling and just concentrate on that day.

I would work on some agreement on alternating holidays. It seems to me he is holding onto some resentment of you getting her on all the "big holidays." It appears he is finally pushing back by just kinda bulldozing through by planning a trip he can't change and promising his parents they will see their granddaughter. I'm sorry if he is trying to intentionally hurt you. I hope it is more just him being frustrated with the situation, and something you can both work out.

halleybird · Hermes

Oh, Misty! I am sorry. I agree with the others' suggestions about amending your agreement. I also really feel for your daughter. My parents divorced when I was 6, and I was always SO stressed about the holidays because I could never be with and please everyone at once.

My dad never, ever had my sister and me on Christmas Eve/Christmas morning, and I am sure that absolutely killed him, but he never showed that to us. He made a really big deal about how Dec. 26 was "our Christmas." He always made a big deal about it, and how we were special because we got two Christmases. For what it's worth, if you can hide your frustrations from your daughter (which I am sure will be hard), it will help her a lot. Good luck.

Misty · Dooney & Bourke

Much thanks to you guys for helping me keep it together with your words of encouragement and support. I figured out last night where I would hide the body. There are some woods not too far from here ... Seriously, I sent my ex an email this morning hoping to appeal to his sensibilities and put in some language directly quoted from our decree that I have right in front of me. There were some veiled threats in my email that I'm sure he will get. Also, for whatever reason, it hadnt occurred to me until because I was so emotionally caught up in this mess, but I am moving in with my BF (primarily for financial reasons, but also, because it makes sense) this weekend and my ex knows this. Of course, this is why he is being such an ass. He is infamous for doing crap like this. It's okay that he has a GF though, but I can't be with anyone. Geez he's mature. It's been a year; he needs to get over it.

I also pointed out in my email that he went skiing last year at Christmas time and this was the reason why he didn't see our daughter at all, not because I prevented him from doing so. I prayed about it last night and continued to do so today, to help change his mind and soften his heart so that I can at least have her for Christmas day. If my efforts are fruitless, than I will just have to make the 26th the best day ever for her. My family won't get to see her at all, but at least she and I will be together.

Again, thanks for much for making me feel better about the situation. "Talking" to you guys helped immensely. Hugs to all of you.

P.S. I also stated in my email that after the first of the year, I would be petitioning for a hearing to revise the decree to put in a special provision for holidays, birthdays (he prevented me from even talking to her on her bday this year), etc. I can't keep doing this year after year. It's emotionally and physically draining.

-- Edited by Misty at 10:38, 2005-12-06

MissMee · Kate Spade

I can completly relate to what you're going through, being a divorced mom. However, no matter how amicable a divorce seems to be at the beginning, it usually turns into a tug-of-war for superiority. You really should/should have put in your divorce papers about visitation and holiday schedules. It really saves a lot of heartache down the road. My situation is a little different in that me and my ex live 1700 miles away from each other, which means my son has to travel far away from me on some holidays. We specified that we will alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas so that my son's holidays won't be totally out of whack. He also goes to his dad during the summer, which sometimes still sucks for us because of vacations and whatnot.

Just remember that what goes around comes around, and next year will be your year for a nice payback!