STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

informal poll: dealing w/your boyfriend's parents?

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

Honey I feel your pain!

DH and I have not spoken or seen his parents in almost a year. They didnt even come to our wedding. He had a bad childhood and his parents are (for lack of a better word) complete losers. They brought their financial issues upon themselves.. they put tons of pressure on DH for EVERYTHING from the time he was practically a baby. DH was doing 5 paper routes before school at age 10, because his parents would not buy him any school clothes. He has stories that would make every one of us cry.

That said, our issues began when we started planning our wedding.

His parents are a little better off now and have been purchasing dogs, trailors at the beach, grills, had a pond built in their lawn ornament infested yard. All this within a few months of our wedding.. and then proceeded to tell us that they couldnt afford to do ANYTHING for us for our rehearsal dinner. His mom skipped out on my bridal shower, because she didnt want to bother getting me a gift. (said she didnt have any money but she just got back from getting her hair done at a salon) My parents have some money.. not retiring in the Caribbean type money.. but they are well-off and his parents were so jealous of me and my family that they bad-mouthed us to no end. I mean, BAD-MOUTHED.. they said some really really awful things.

Needless to say, both DH and I absolutely had it.. we went off on them.. both of us.. telling them they were selfish, immature, ignorant A-holes who need to grow up and do not deserve a son like DH. DH continued and finally spoke his mind about his childhood and will probably never speak to them for the rest of their lives. TRUST ME I know how you feel.

I think you are doing the right thing..Support the BF is any decisions he wants to make. I hate when parents take advantage of their kids. Speak your mind and give your opinions to your BF but DO NOT under any circumstances tell him what to do.. He might resent it later..

Good luck!

tara t · Marc Jacobs

i have the same problem with buttheads mom and her BOYFRIEND of 23 years. it's a crazy f'ed up story, and it makes me angry every time. i'll give you a breifing.

CM= buttheads crazy mom

BF= her boyfriend

butthead = my boyfriend.

here we go.

CM was married to buttheads biological father. they didn't work out and divorded. after the divorce, he remarried, and 5 mths. later was killed in a car accident. new wife got mucho $$ from this. CM then dates her divorce attorney and has been for 23 years. CM has a bit of a plastic surgery addiction. the latest one was a facelift gone awry which left her with temporarily off eyesight. maybe 20/40. she has quit her job, and calls butthead and puts him on a massive guilt trip pretty much daily. meanwhile, BF has honestly millions in the bank. BF is married to another woman and will not acknowledge CM. he won't even go out in public with her. she calls butthead who is already super stressed out from his job, and says if he doesn't come visit her ( she is about 2 hrs. away) that she will kill herself. that's just a little bit of the drama.

now i come from a normal family. i'm the only child and my parents have been married for about 35 years.

all i do is offer suggestions when butthead asks, and sit there and listen to what he has to say. it's tough for me, because i really want to call her and scream, but i can't. she really sucks and i feel your pain. if you need to vent, maybe we can whine about the evil women together ! PM me if you wish. good luck.

Starstuff · Kenneth Cole

Hey Babe,

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Unfortunately I don't have any advice on dealing with D's parents, except that there is a book that you might find interesting/useful/informative.

Credit, Cash and Co-Dependency: The Money Connection

By: Yvonne Kaye, Daniel S. Kaye (Illustrator)

I can't speak for it personally, but it was recommended on another web site I frequent. Interestingly, the topic of the discussion was a dilemma similar to yours. Let me know if you'd like to me send a link.

BTW -- happy almost-one-year anniversary! You know what happened to me on my anniversary -- maybe it'll happen to you too? ha ha just teasing

edited for font size

-- Edited by Starstuff at 17:34, 2005-12-01

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

Ooh, Starstuff, don't tease me! ;) But seriously, we think that is somewhere down the road, just not tomorrow. Thanks for that book rec -- I'll go look it up on Amazon.

Joceybaby and Tara, thanks for weighing in with your experiences. I am really sorry you are dealing with your own problems like this, but it's also reassuring and helpful to know there are other similar situations. Both of your in laws/crazy BF's mom sound really out of their minds, and emotionally abusive. Just reading your stories I could really imagine how angry and pissed off they have to make you, as they would me too.

Last night D said he wished his parents were just physically abusive, or something that was obvious so when people said "but your parents are so nice" (which they are -- when you meet them they seem like the sweetest people around) he could just be like "yeah, but they gave me this black eye." Instead it's all the strife and murkiness about money issues and guilt trips.

I'm struck by a similarity between us all too -- like you guys my family is pretty normal. It's like night and day, the difference!

Thanks for your advice and I wish you both luck in dealing with this. If you ever need to vent about it, I am happy to listen and commiserate!

jj · Kate Spade

Oh scarlett, that's a tough situation...because even if your boyfriend cuts ties with his parents and refuses to cave to their demands (and it's the right thing to do), he'll never feel good about it and ALWAYS feel guilty (because they'll always be his parents). Unless he is really willing to let it go, and that may require the help of a professional.

Without going into too much detail, my DH's mom is the most controlling woman on the planet, and whenever she said jump, he did, even if it was at the expense of what was best for the two of us. I tired to point this out to him and he claimed I didn't understand because my parents have a great, successful happy life. Then we went to see a counselor, and hearing the same thing I said, but from an expert, finally made it click.

Now, he's there for her within reason and he doesn't get caught up in her guilt trips. Thank God we did this, because it really could have ruined our relationship.

I feel you pain, but just know there are solutions out there!!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

jj wrote:

I tired to point this out to him and he claimed I didn't understand because my parents have a great, successful happy life. Then we went to see a counselor, and hearing the same thing I said, but from an expert, finally made it click.

JJ, that is exactly what my BF has said to me! He's said I don't understand because my parents have had successful careers and no financial problems. Except my parents had to make some hard choices too about family interference and the like, and that's one reason they ended up successful. I've told him that and I think it's finally sinking in.

I suggested counseling and right now he can't afford it. He spoke with about 10 counselors and all were out of his price range, and also didn't accept health insurance. But on the positive side, since this all happened almost a week ago, he's made a conscious effort to not concern himself with his parents problems and has been much happier and more calm as a result. I know one week isn't a long time, but it's a start! He said he's determined to change this, and I am really happy he is actually doing something about it. We'll see how it goes in the future.

Thanks for your advice and also for sharing your own experiences, ladies! I knew you would have some great things to say.