STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Luv2Shop · Kate Spade

Family advice...long

Elle · Hermes

Call the cops. Find out what bar he's going too - call the cops and tell them that you have reason to believe that there will be a group of young people drinking heavily and driving so they can have a sting waiting for them. Most police departments are pretty hard up for cash right now, so they might be suprisingly accomodating if they could get bail money out of it. Call the cops and tell them that you have reason to believe that drugs are being used and dealt from wherever it is he's living. You might also be able to drive your parents car down to the police station so drug-sniffing dogs can do a once over on it for any residue.

Sorry, this situation just royally sucks. He needs a serious wakeup call.

Luv2Shop · Kate Spade

I just wish he would listen and snap out of it so that it didn't have to resort to that. If that happened my parents would have to bail him out and pay whatever cost it would be for anything, and it would just be devastating, is their anything we can do to help, before he gets in trouble? Send him to some kind of rehab, counsuling?

Elle · Hermes

I really don't think so . You can't help him if he doesn't want to be helped, and he's going to continue to not want help as long as he continues to do drugs. You could try contacting a psychologist who specializes in drug interventions, if you'd like to go that route first.

I know you know how serious this is, and I don't want to scare you. But my mom's very best friend since highschool had a son that was about your brother's age. His 'friend' and drug buddy turned on him, planned his attack for a week, and then murdered him. He shot him in the back of the head when they were driving, over 6 OUNCES OF POT. His poor mother had to sit through 2 murder trials (there was an accomplice).

You just never know. I know you don't want to go to extremes, but it can just turn so bad so fast. Desperate times, desperate measures. Don't wait for it to get even worse, because by then it may already be too late.

tara t · Marc Jacobs

i think maybe if you had a talk with your parents about giving him $$ may be a small step. i don't think they should continue doing so. as for lmonets idea, i think it's extreme, but could work. if he gets a DUI, or charged with possession, then maybe he will cut the crap. hopefully, your parents wouldn't help him financially if something like that happened. unfortunately, he seems like one of those people who won't change his ways until he wants to change his ways. if he's selling or doing drugs, it's just a matter of time before he gets caught. maybe w/ lmonets plan you are just speeding up the process.

with rehab, it's not going to work unless he wants to change. if he is forced to go, chances are he will go right back into his old stupid ways.

but just try to keep yourself sane right now. i'm sure it's difficult, but try your best.

on a side note, i was having issues with a boyfriend who had some serious issues with his family that were turning into my problems. i went and talked to a therapist. not becasue i needed it, but i wanted advice on how to deal with the boyfriend. i think it helped alot.

Sandy · Kate Spade

don't know if you read a post in Dating and Relationships from a poster "ineedhelp"... but, that was me. I said my friend's little brother is having problems that kinda-sorta are like your brother's problems. It's actually my boyfriend's brother (I said that to protect identities, but I'm so far past that now...), and my fear is that he will end up like your brother. I don't really have any advice. I just wanted to say that I'm right there with you... it's so hard to watch someone you love so much self-destruct. I know how must be feeling right now, and I know that it totally sucks. I would try to talk to him about counseling or rehab, but if he doesn't think he has a problem it may not work. I think calling the police on him or something equally as drastic is a very good idea... but if you're like me, it would be a last resort (he is your brother, after all). Maybe I'm just too loyal for my own good . I hope everything works out well for your family, and whatever you do, just don't give up on him.

Luv2Shop · Kate Spade

tara t wrote:

on a side note, i was having issues with a boyfriend who had some serious issues with his family that were turning into my problems. i went and talked to a therapist. not becasue i needed it, but i wanted advice on how to deal with the boyfriend. i think it helped alot.

I have considered that. I think I should go with my Mom and Dad, and that way we might be able to learn how to deal with my brother together, rather then just each coming at him seperatly, which he always thinks is a personal attack and that everyone is against him. Maybe more like an intervention where we have the info we need from a therapist to counter his excuses. I do agree that they need to stop giving him and $ and letting him use their car.

Stephanie, thanks for the kind words and support. Please let me know if there is any progress with his brother so maybe I can follow suit.

The worst part of this is that my brother is great, I love him so much and we are such a close family and spend a lot of time together. He is good looking and smart, charming and fun. He does not fit the bill of a "pot head".

-- Edited by Luv2Shop at 12:45, 2005-11-17

tara t · Marc Jacobs

i think that's a great idea. because your parents probably are blinded by the fact that he is their child. and they want to help him, but they are not helping him in the right way.

if you all go, you can figure out what the best plan is, and all of you will have the same plan.

NCshopper · Hermes

Personally, before you take matters into your own hands, I think you need to have a sit down talk with you and your parents without your brother. Your dad needs to know about this and it sounds like your mom needs to learn the severity of the problem before anything can be done about it.

And, let's face it. Money isn't his problem. He has plenty of money--he's just spending it on pot and alcohol, so GIVING him more money is doing nothing to help.

Unfortunately because he's over 18, there's nothing you can force him to do, like going to rehab. I think the idea of you guys staging an intervention could work well, but you guys all have to figure out a plan of attack to deal with it and to counter his excuses. And you also need to do it in a way where he doesn't feel like you guys are ganging up on him and he has no say in the matter--that will only make him feel defensive and then resist your efforts to protect his pride.

To be honest, I'm surprised that his health scare didn't cause him to quit. Stuff like that is generally a pretty good wake up call, but they also say that you have to hit rock bottom first before things will get better, and maybe he's not at that stage yet.

I also think you should talk to him and just tell him that you're concerned about him, his health, his safety.

Calling the cops on him will only work if your parents don't end up being the ones that pay for it. Otherwise, he's just suffered zero consequences and it's been a strain on your parents. I'd do that as a last resort. But then again, if it keeps him from driving drunk one night then it might be worth it.

Ugh. I don't envy your position. This kind of thing sucks. My 17 year old cousin recently went through this and it's been hell on the whole family. Let me rack my brain and see if there's anything else I can think of that could help.

Hermes

I agree that he cannot help himself until he realizes he has a problem. I don't think setting him up to get busted is a good idea though. Depending on what he has on him, he could end up with a record and never be able to get any half-way decent job again - and would resentful toward you for the rest of his life. I also agree that your parents should stop giving him money - he needs to learn responsibility and not be further enabled.

As a side note, and from experience, I do think he's dealing, and I do think he's probably still doing coke. There's really nothing you can do about it, other than warn him about the consequences. He's going to do what he's going to do whether you and and your family are in his life or not. You can talk to a counselor for coaching on how to intervene, but again, he won't change until he wants to and that may be never.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but I don't want you to have unrealistic expectations either.

-- Edited by detroit at 12:56, 2005-11-17

Maddie · Coach

I was just going to write pretty much exactly what detroit did. Especially at his age there's nothing you can do until he wants to help himself. I really think there is nothing you can do to change him, just be available to him if he needs you. I also agree with detroit that he's probably dealing and still doing coke. While I don't know if he's a hardcore addict, coke isn't something people just stop doing, particularly if it is readily available, which it sounds like it is. And dealing is something that once someone's in the scene it's easy to just slip into without realizing what a big deal it is.

My only advice is stuff for your own sanity. I would agree that your parents should stop giving him money; there's no reason for them to support his habits. And getting him in trouble with the police is not going to help anything at this point, I don't think it would act as a wakeup call, it just has the potential to ruin his life. I also would avoid nagging him. Cigarettes, eating out, and not sleeping aren't really that big of a deal and bothering him about it will only push him away, not make him change.

I'm sorry that you're family's going through this, I know it's really hard.

asf · Kate Spade

i'll start by saying that i'm sorry you and your family are going through this, but it's good that you're aware of the situation and want to change it before it's too late.

i agree with detroit and maddie - i think he's still doing coke. smoking pot is not going to make you stay up all night, even (especially?) when combined with drinking. it'll make you sleepy, and that's about it. if he was just getting high, there'd be much less reason to worry.

i think your mom needs to tell your dad what's going on, because an ass-kicking is definitely in order. it sounds like your brother is a good person underneath his addictions - you need to figure out how to appeal to that person to make a change. easier said than done, i know. i also agree with detroit about not having him "set up" - it won't do anything but hurt your relationship more. besides, it sounds like pretty soon the cops will find him on their own.

good luck. i've seen this situation many times, and i've seen people come out of it and others not. don't be a nag or condescending, just let him know that you love him and are there when he's ready for help.

member · Hermes

I just want to tell you that I am so sorry you are going through this because it sucks and I have been there w/friends before.

I really agree w/detroit & maddie - your brother is over 18 and he can only help himself. He won't stop doing drugs unless he wants to. you may want to talk to an intervention specialist/counselor, but he doesn't have to go to rehab and even if he does, he can check himself out at anytime. judging from what you said, he'd probably only react badly at this point to an intervention.

I also agree that it sounds like he is doing coke still and that he is probably dealing drugs. Also, I wanted to tell you that i don't think anyone necessarily fits the "pothead" image - a lot of people dabble in that and other drugs that you would never expect.

I agree w/what everyone else said - I think your dad needs to know what is going on. I think your parents should stop giving him money completely because they are enabling him. He does need to be the one to turn himself around though ultimately. If a person is doing drugs and has an addiction, ultimately they have to get themselves help. Like Maddie, I've seen some people do that - some people just get so sick of the lifestyle and getting caught up w/the addiction.

I'm sorry I can't offer any other advice - I just hope this all works out for you. I know how horrible/stressful this can be.