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CarrieS · Marc Jacobs

Need advice on a sort of ex-friend...

Hermes

I don't know if I can give you any advice, but I can commiserate... I am considering dumping an old friend that is so judgemental and negative about EVERYTHING, and in her reactions to me as well. It was especially bad recently with her new boyfriend - she acted like she was embarrassed to be associated with my husband and myself. We went to a concert with her and her new boyfriend (he's even worse with being judgmental and negative) recently and they totally wrecked my enjoyment of the concert between him sitting with his arms crossed and practically sulking during the whole concert, and her not letting loose because she is so worried about what he will think. We've given them new nicknames: Debbie Downer and Bob Bummer. I couldn't wait for them to get out of the car when we dropped them off.

I am really wondering why I am holding onto this relationship. I don't feel comfortable around her because I feel like she's constantly judging me and rolling her eyes at me, and Bob Bummer only brings out the absolute worst in her.

Didn't mean to hijack your thread, but I'm going through the same thing, and I'm really on the fence because I've known her for so long (ten years?) But again, I don't really get much from the relationship anymore and she just brings me down... I'm thinking that she will be so wrapped up in Bob Bummer that she will forget about me (especially since I'm such an embarassment) and the friendship will just naturally go away...

People like to be around people that make them feel good, and I don't get that from her anymore. Do you feel the same way, Carrie?

-- Edited by detroit at 10:46, 2005-10-17

Hermes

CarrieS wrote:

She just texted me tonight and said that even though she knows i'm "not a fan of her right now", she still wants to be my friend. She mentioned that if I ever want to do anything, just to call her since she's free a lot of the time.What do you think I should do? Should I respond to this text, and if so, what's a short but polite thing to send that's not going to getting into heavy discussion?Arrghhh, I suck at dealing with people :/

since I know how you feel, I would feel like not responding because it sounds like you don't want to respond. although if I got that text message from the friend I mentioned, I would take that as an open door to let her know how I'm feeling - but I would want to decide if I wanted to continue with the friendship before I responded. that way I could explain what I'm feeling then either start fresh or make a clean break.

shopgirl82 · Chanel

i have probably dropped about three friends over the years for those reasons that both you and detroit have mentioned. One friend brought out the worst in me, by keeping me from accomplishing my goals and was very manipulating. Just a bad person to be around. Another was the quickest to judge me and criticize my actions, and then when she finally "grew up" she made the same "mistakes" that she criticized me about. She just made me feel like i was this horrible person, when i was just living my college life. It took so much for me to bite my tongue when she did the same things months/years later that she belittled me about. The final one was so unpredictable. She could be the happiest person in the world, but when she wasn't (more than not) she was just depressing and made me feel like there was nothing to enjoy in life. I guess "toxic" friends come in all different kinds of packages, but I just know that when i rid myself of them (just by slowly detatching myself from them), it was hard because they were a huge part of my life, but something/someone ALWAYS came to replace them. For example, the first friend was happy getting stupid drunk whenever she could, and would drag me with her (not entirely her fault, because i put the drinks in my mouth ), but the next day, i would never do anything because i was too exhausted from the night before. so when i did get rid of her, i filled my life with exercise, work, etc...

anyway, basically what i'm saying is that when you rid yourself of baggage, you open yourself up to other possibilities. times when you would have been hanging out with her, having a bad time, you are open to doing other things with other people.

hey, we ditch guys all the time because they are not good for us, right?

she basically put the ball in your court with that text and it sounds like you're not ready or wanting to right now. which is fine, it doesn't make you a bad friend. if you're not wanting to be there with her, you're not going to add anything to the friendship.

good luck with everything. i know my wording makes it seem like i just ditch people all the time, and it's the easiest thing, it's definitely not. but i guess i just feel really strongly about it because i know FOR ME it has led to better things, better friendships, better times.

sorry this was so long-winded. good luck.

NCshopper · Hermes

I have/had a friend like that as well, and it definitely sucks. My friend, A, was my best friend from 4th grade on up through high school. After high school, she stuck around our hometown while I went off to college. She went to a local community college but managed to study abroad in Paris for a semester, which most people would find really cool, but she bitched and moaned about it the whole time. When I came back from studying abroad and when I'd come home for the summers she'd be really negative toward me and question who I was dating and who I was friends with even though she didn't know any of my new friends at all. She was so negative toward her own life that she was no fun to hang out with anymore, but when she started being negative towards me, that's when I decided to let go.

I never cut A out of my life completely, but I stopped calling and stopped visiting when I came home. I basically limited my contact with her to periodic e-mails and figured that one day if she comes around I could be friends with her again. I'm not a fan of cutting people out of my life completely unless they've done something extreme. But I have no problem limiting my contact with people who I feel are a drain on my time and energy.

I find it odd Carrie that your friend TEXTED you to say she still wanted to be your friend. In my opinion, if something's important to me, I make the effort to call or meet up in person, not text, especially if it's something as important as friendship. My advice would be to limit contact with her, but not cut her out completely. Or you could talk to her and see if there's something bugging her. It sounds like she's insecure about a lot of things and maybe letting her know that it's affecting your friendship will actually benefit her in the long run. (Not a fun conversation to have, I know, but it could be a wake up call for her.) Anyway, I wouldn't text her back...I would call her and explain the situation or just start limiting your contact with her and maybe check up on her every once and awhile to see if things have changed at all.

CarrieS · Marc Jacobs

Warning: This is gonna be LONG , but...

Detroit: That's EXACTLY how I feel. I figure that when I go home not happy after hanging out with her, that's not good. She's very down on aspects of her life and somehow manages to make me feel like crap about mine when I hang out with her. I also feel that she somewhat ruined our vacation this summer by killing the fun and bitching about everything the whole time.

In fact, the "last straw" of this whole thing was when I was telling her that I was excited about getting my digi camera in the mail so that I could start cataloging my wardrobe and taking outfit pics. My mistake was mentioning how much it cost (I admit that), but her response was "Oh my god, you spent that much on a camera JUST to take pictures of your clothes?? That's kind of stupid." Nevermind the fact that I never comment on her purchases or financial stuff (I'll just mention that her CC debt is in the 5-digits). She does this with a lot my purchases, especially when they're more expensive items (jeans and my LV).

At this point, I feel that I'd really only like to consider her as a friendly acquaintance because otherwise, I'll be repeating the same cycle that always happens. This cycle is where I'm fine with her, hanging out, etc., but at the same time, frustration with her is building up. It'll reach a point where I do stop talking to her to give myself some space for a bit, but then I go back to talking to her again, and it just starts over and repeats. Over and over again. This is the first time that I really don't feel like going back to this.

As far as her changing, I just can't see it, at least not in the near future. Reason being that she's one of those people who bitches about everything wrong with her and her life, but won't take any steps to fix things.

Thank you ladies for responding! I feel like you guys are more my "friends" than she has ever acted towards me. She can be a good friend to people, but it's then underlying issues that seem to undermine that.

janey831 · Kate Spade

maybe she is jealous of you? i dont know, just a thought.

Hermes

janey831 wrote:

maybe she is jealous of you? i dont know, just a thought.

you know, that's a thought. usually when people knock down everything around them it's because they feel inferior and need to lower everything/everyone around them to help them feel superior. it's no excuse though. I couldn't imagine having such a strong negative focus all the time - people like this must truely be miserable.

Seashells · Dooney & Bourke

I had a similar thing happen, and it didn't end pretty. I had to put my foot down and just say "i can't do this anymore." She was using me as her therapist and in exchange, she knew nothing about me. And that is not a friendship.

Needless to say, she has said some bad things of me, and I want so badly to be like "look crazy, you're just a bad friend" But you can't. You just have to take the high road.

Carrie S: It sound to me as if she knows that she has hurt you in some way, but the key is that she doesn't want to find out what she has done (because she texted you). Don't ignore the text because that can be perceived as childish. I would say a simple "ok. thanks." and be done with it. If she calls you after that, it might be worth it to tell her what's going on. If she doesn't, you have done the right thing for yourself.

Detrioit: "strong negative focus all the time - people like this must truely be miserable"
I can't even imagine what life would be like if I complained all the time. My old roomate did, and I couldn't understand how she could live, if things around her were so bad!
My best advice for these types of people in my life is "You make your own sunshine." Life is always what you make it!

Good luck girls. It hurts, but in the end you are doing what is best for you. So often women do not put themselves first.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I think you're totally right to want this person out of your life, but she deserves to know why. She probably has no idea how much of a downer she's being. If you say something and she doesn't change, then at least you know you tried... And she obviously took the hint and values the friendship, so maybe she'll be open to changing.