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Post Info TOPIC: Friend's bf is weirding me out
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Gucci

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Friend's bf is weirding me out
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So one of my best friends J has been dating this guy C since about April. They moved in togeather beginning of August. He is about 6 or 7 years older than we are, he's an ok guy but he has major jealousy issues. He doesn't like it when J and I go out togeather alone b/c guys always hit on us. Its sortof the way my town is, there is way more guys than girls so every bar is pretty much a pick-up bar. We never take these guys home or anything, we are just fun girls (especially when the wine flows) so guys come over to talk to us. J would never cheat on him, she is totally not like that.


So C decided that he didn't like it when we go out togeather b/c we get too much "male attention". So as per his request, we starting going shopping and to movies insted of bars. Fine, whatever. So sometimes we take our boys out with us and we still get attention. My bf is very cool about it, he is totally not the jealous type nor has he ever been. But C gets furious if another guy comes up to talk to J, he even gets upset if guys come over to talk to me.


We were at a pub on Friday and while J was waiting at the bar for drinks the guy beside her struck up a conversation. I went over to help her carry the drinks and we went back to our table. For the rest of the night C would not speak to either of us b/c supposedly we were "flirting" with random bar guy. He wouldn't go home, he just sat and pouted and glared at us, refusing to speak or join in conversation. So J was upset and it pretty much ruined our night out.


This is really starting to piss me off. I don't think J should start acting like a doormat b/c he has these unfounded ideas of her flirting and cheating. And I worry about her safety, IMO men like this may become abusive. I would never put up with a guy with jealousy issues, I think its a very immature way to act. What should I do? I can't really tell her I think of him b/c that might come between our friendship. But I can't just sit back and let him walk all over her. Thoughts?



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sephorablue


Marc Jacobs

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oh gosh, that's awful! he sounds like a nightmare and I totally agree that he could easily become abusive--although being controlling like that is more than bad enough. Is there a way you can express your concern to her without her getting defensive?

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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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Her accepting his behavior at the bar the other night is pretty much how the cycle of abuse starts. He thinks she did something wrong, so he starts to punish her. She doesn't really think she did anything, but she's sorry he's upset. She doesn't confront, but tries to placate. She needs to dump him, because it will get much, much, much worse. When you talk to her, focus on how inconvenient it is for her to deal with him. She probably doesn't want to identify hrself as the kind of person who would be abused, so she'll be defensive. Focus on how she deserves to have more fun. On the other hand, if you think she can take it, give her some pamphlets on abuse. I was in a relationship like this, and the first time I saw one of those "Is this your relationship.." things, I couldn't believe how accurate it was. Good luck!

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scarlett


Marc Jacobs

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that would be hard to watch your friend in that kind of relationship. i had a super jealous boyfriend in college who, guess what, turned abusive (emotionally, not physically). a good way to open discussion with your friend, who may feel defensive about it, is to just ask her if she's happy with him. like, "the other night seemed to bother you, when he got so upset. did it upset you?"

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blubirde


Chanel

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I think you should definitely say something to her. Maybe she's been having the same concerns as you and just doesn't feel comfortable expressing those thoughts. Maybe you pointing out the obvious will help her be able to admit her thoughts and concerns too.

Keep us updated!

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