STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

I am so tired of my drive in to work every day. I do NOT have a long commute - quite the opposite. It's usually about 25 minutes garage to garage (I come to work at an off-peak time, around 10:30 or so). So what is worse, a short commute filled with idiots and annoyances, or a long and uneventful commute? I have had both - I just don't know which is worse.

All I want is to get to work without my nerves being frazzled at every turn. I can't even get 5 minutes of annoyance-free driving. Here is a typical/composite a.m. - any combination of these things happens on a given day. Today, 80% of these things happened in one form or another:

~ Leave parking garage, find alley is blocked by truck making delivery at Whole Foods. Driver nowhere to be found. Eventually he shows up, slowly gets into his truck, sits there, then begrudgingly lets me have a few feet to scoot by.

~ Pull out of alley and try to go right on to the street. Unfortunately, some asshole has parked his oversized SUV (why is it always an SUV?) illegally to my left so I can't see around it to see if I am safe to pull out. Have to pull halfway in to the street to see if anyone is coming. Invariably, a stream of taxis speed toward me, honking b/c I am pulled too far in to the street (I had no choice).

~ Get up to light on remaining seconds of the yellow light, but can't go left because some drunk or otherwise idiotic person is taking their sweetass time crossing the street on to which I want to make a left. Miss light and must sit there for 5 minutes. Swear to myself.

~ Go left and see that though light at next intersection is green, there is random & inexplicable construction at the intersection (I will never know why it was there and never see any real benefit) and the road is down to a single lane. Tourists in car ahead of me don't have the balls to cut around the construction even though nobody is coming in the other lane, so they sit there dumbly as though waiting for permission from the construction crew. Curse and shake myh ead as I cut around both the tourists in their minivan and the construction. Discover construction has resulted in a major unmarked bump in the road - new car goes over bump with a thud. Exclaim "What the f*ck?!"

~ Get to next light just in time to miss it b/c of delay caused by idiot tourists. Sit for 5 minutes.

~ Continue down P St, having to swerve into left lane 2-3 times to avoid: double-parked truck/person on bicycle/clueless tourist stopped for no apparent reason/person trying (badly) to double-park. Usually - and I am not kidding - encounter 3-4 things like this in on this single block. Next short block usually uneventful.

~ Arrive at Dupont Circle. It was taken me 10 minutes to go these 3.5-4 blocks.

~ Traffic signal gives me the flashing yellow right turn arrow. Pedestrians have a "stop" and no cars should be coming from the left, as any cars on that ring of the circle either have a red light or are obligated to turn right before they get to me. Invariably, someone has either run the light or stayed on the circle when they are not supposed to, preventing me from entering the circle even though it is legally my turn. Also, 1-2 peds try to cross in front of me, even though they have the red light. Honk at peds, flip bird at asshole drivers.

~ Pull in to the lane I need (must be in right lane if I am to pick up P st again on opposite side) and get stuck behind a bus. Bus sits there at the stop and circle is too packed for me to pass on the left. Watch light on other side of bus go from green to red as I sit there. Light turns, bus proceeds slowly. Bus signals right to exit the circle, but must wait for a crazy person to finish jaywalking before it can turn. There is NO traffic ahead of the bus behind which I am stuck, but cars whiz by on my left so I can't pass, and I watch another green light turn red before the bus finally turns off and I get up to the light.

~ Light turns green, car from left lane cuts across my path without notice/illegally to go right on Mass. I lean on the horn and swear loudly. The person has the nerve to gesture back. As they leave the circle, observe out of town plates. F*cking tourists.

~ Reach P St and go right. Sometimes people from left lane also attempt to go right on P, causing bottleneck, but not today. There is another bus at the stop immediately on the right before the next light and he is too far in to the street for me to go around him. Get stuck behind bus as light turns red... again.

~ Driving down P to Rock Creek, must again swerve around double-parked delivery trucks/jaywalkers/bikes/people attempting to park on the next couple blocks. Also there is the new twist of taxis stopping without signal or notice at hotel on the right. Because of bus in front of me, can't see oncoming traffic until bus has moved back in to right lane after each obstacle we pass. Am on receiving end of swearing and honking from cars in left lane coming toward me.

~ Get to Rock Creek parkway. 1 time out of 10, there is an unexplained road block there telling me that the ramp to the parkway is closed (it is supposed to be open until 3:45, but sometimes there are f*cking motorcades and they shut the parkway without notice at other random times). If ramp closed, forced to drive proceed on P through Georgetown, but that nightmare would take 20 more minutes to explain, so let's pretend the ramp is actually open.

~ After suffering through people taking their turn at the wrong time at 3-way stop at the top of the ramp, drive down ramp and prepare to make my merge (must merge from the right, traffic approaches on left) on to the busy parkway. Cars come speeding out from under a bridge which I can't see beyond. It's a semi-blind merge. Car behind me honks, even though there has been no window for me to enter the flow of traffic. I flip him off through my sunroof. When a break in traffic comes, I gun it and still narrowly escape being hit. Car that nearly hit me honks.

~ Arrive at intersection where I should turn left to get on to 66. People in car ahead of me sit there dumbly after green arrow goes away, oblivious that it is still ok to turn left on green light when nobody is coming. I honk. Person throws up hands as if they're helpless and sits there until the light turns red. Virginia plates.

~ Green arrow again, person still sits there. I tap my horn and person goes, but they slow down at the street we have to cross before 66 and miss the green light on the opposite side as I helplessly watch lucky cars enter 66 without me. Trapped at median waiting to go left behind this idiot, but observe there are no cars across the street waiting for the light, nor are there cars coming to prevent us from crossing to wait at the light, so we ought to proceed. Forced to tap horn *again* to clue in the idiot in front of me. He continues to sit there without proceeding across the street to the light, so I swerve around him, cut across the (empty!) street, and sit at light. Observe in rear-view as idiot clues in and slowly drifts up behind me. Light turns green and I gun it on to 66.

~ Approach ramp on to Roosevelt Bridge - used to be riddled with potholes which thank god are now paved over. I blamed those potholes for the demise of my last car, as one would approach that ramp with considerable speed.

~ Roosevelt bridge is a confused muddle of people who can't decide if they want to exit on to the GW parkway,. Route 50, or stay on 66. Cars criss and cross at random without turns signals and ranging in speed from reckless to a near-stop. Near-accidents happen at the rate of 1-3 per day on this one stretch of bridge.

~ On 66, confronted with parade of people driving 50 MPH in the left lane who refuse to step off. Blood pressure boils. Lots of swearing and gesticulating over next couple of miles. 

~ After flying around these idiots and cruising in the left lane until my exit, have difficulty getting back in to right lane because of random 10-car flotilla of slow-moving vehicles. Have to slow down to a near stop to get behind them, as I don't have time before the exit to get around them.

~ Just miss light at top of ramp.  Shake head in defeat.

~ Go left, trapped behind slow-moving (20 MPH) vehicle. Watch light we could have made go red. When light turns green, suffer as car ahead of me goes nowhere. Tap horn. Person doesn't move, but snarls at me in their rear-view. Cars fly by in right lane, asshole eventually putt-putts onward. There is no getting around him, and like me, he heads for the left turn lane. Misses green arrow and, like the people in DC, seems reluctant to go left on regular green even though oncoming traffic is sparse. He doesn't even put his nose out in to the intersection. Light turns red. He goes when the green arrow comes back.

~ Less than 2 blocks to my office. I need to go right at the upcoming light, which is "no right on red." I can see that the light will soon turn, judging from the pedestrian signals. I can also see we should make it, until…. Asshole (still!) ahead of me suddenly stops. Appears to be looking for something. I am finally able to get around him, but it's too late. Must sit at light before I can turn right.

~ When it's my turn to go right, large and slow-moving pedestrian - almost passive-aggressively so - enters the crosswalk. Must sit waiting as he lumbers across. He scowls at me as I scoot behind him as soon as space allows.

~ Car suddenly pulls out of bank parking lot into my path.  I screetch to a halt as people stare from the sidewalks.

~ Within 20 feet of my parking garage, people saunter casually across the crosswalk within feet of my car and without notice. After they cross, think I am home free, but - alas - garbage truck is pulling beep-beep-beep out of garage. Must sit inhaling smelly rotton stagnant air until garbage truck is finished.

~ Pull in to parking garage and person is holding prolonged conversation with garage attendant ahead of me. Eventually they enter the garage.

~ Wave my parking puck at electronic panel and it doesn't work (happens if I have left work after the garage has closed the night before and not used puck upon exit - this is usually a 50/50 chance). Attendant reluctantly leaves little booth to raise the arm for me.

~ At least one near-collision with other car a) speeding or b) blindly pullnig out of a space OR coworker on foot on the way down to the bottom level, where the last remaining spaces usually are. 

~ Get to bottom level where the only spaces left are right up next to cement poles or otherwise leave me 10 inches to open my door.

~ Takes stairs to lobby. Stairs reek of B.O., so I am alternating holding my breath with trying to breathe as I run up the 4 steep flights in heels.

~ Get to lobby, panting, and watch as elevator doors close in my face and coworker stares at me mutely without trying to hold doors.

~ Wait for next elevator… and wait.

~ Get to my floor, discover I have left my Kastle card at home and must wait for coworker or someone to show up and let me in to my floor.

~ Get to my desk. Someone immediately shows up and starts firing questions at me. Observe flashing voice mail light. Computer takes 10 minutes to boot up.

~ Decide to run to ladies room while machine boots, as I really have to pee. Naturally, it is being cleaned and I can't go in there. Return to desk in misery.

~ Computer now up and running, person who left voice mail has also emailed to make sure I got her voice mail. It is not important or timely, I might add. She calls again as I stand there reading her email, then tells me - "No hurry! Just get to it when you can."

SIGH.

Just a reminder - only about 30 minutes has elapsed for all of the above, 75% of which actually happens on a normal day in any number of combinations. Thank you for indulging this - I feel much better!

And no, I can't take the metro.