STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

kisa · Dooney & Bourke

Grrr

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

He doesn't sound so perfect after all! :(

Unfortunately, people who think that they are so fabulous tend to be overcompensating because they are not fabulous at all. Also, it is very hard to get through to someone who is very conceited. AND they never change, in my experience anyway.

Is this behavior worth breaking up over?

dc · Dooney & Bourke

Hi Kisa -

Hmmm.. it actually sounds to me like he's sort of insecure and trying to impress you. That is very often the case with people who talk a lot about themselves (when I have felt very insecure in the past, that was me!). Also, some people just talk about themselves a lot - I don't think it's conceit so much as being a poor conversationalist and maybe a bit immature. Listening does improve with age, but at an age (in one's early 20s and late teens) when one is discovering who they are, and maybe in the early stages of one's professional life, it is natural to sort out one's feelings by talking about the experience aloud a lot. It also sounds like by enumerating his positive qualities, he is trying to convince HIMSELF he qualifies for the job and maybe for you. He probably wants you to agree as some sort of validation (go back to my "insecurity" theory above).

Also, when talking about jobs, there is a definite tendency toward one-upmanship with people. Do not take this personally, but it can be sort of boring to talk about jobs (at least for me), and also people tend to want to say, "You think YOUR job sucks - mine is like XYZ." I don't know why it is, but I have noticed this. I have one friend who does this and it drives me bananas - she does it with EVERYTHING - her favorite refrain is "We all have problems. At my job blah blah blah." It's so not helpful, so I know how you feel. It just comes from being a bit caught up in one's own world and a poor listener - do not take this personally. His tendency just to wait for his own turn to speak points to this as well.

Now, neither of these things makes any of this right, but I think you should cut him a little slack. I don't think he has any idea he's doing this, and you need to gently tell him. Something along the lines of, "I don't know if you realize you do this, but often when I am talking about my job, you tune out or talk about your job instead. It makes me feel [unimportant, whatever] when you do this. I really need for you to listen." Do not be accusatory, do not get angry, do not put him on the defensive. Just say "when you act like X, it makes me feel like Y." Self-absorbed people need to be snapped out of it. They really don't know. And I think that you'll find that he just has a lot of insecurities and other things that he'll grow out of... but he does need your help and patience if you think he's worth it. And I think you do think he's worth it.

Be calm, be patient, be honest. Communication is key to a successful relationship, especially long distance, and part of that is being honest when someone's communcation style is not worknig for you. I think that having this discussion will open the doors to more openness between you two.

I know how frustrating this must be for you, but men don't catch up in maturity for a while. Honestly, he just sounds young & unsure to me.

Good luck!

-- Edited by dc at 12:12, 2005-09-19

NCshopper · Hermes

Hmmm...I like DC's advice, but I think you need to be pretty firm with him, if this is a potential deal-breaker for you.

I think it's very natural in any relationship, not to communicate 100%. It can be the listener's fault, and it can be the communicator's fault as well. Sometimes it feels like no matter how many times you tell a person something, they just don't seem to "get it." In case's like this, I try to follow my parents' example. I only reference my parents because they've been married 26 years and they're still giddy in love with each other, so they must have something going.

Anyway, if say, my mom feels like my dad just isn't "getting it" when she's trying to tell him something important, she'll give him a "shake you by the shoulders" speech. It generally invotes standing directly in front of the person and putting your hands on their shoulders (no joke, this was a common occurance in my house growing up.) It goes something along the lines of "I've tried telling you this before, but you haven't don't feel that it's gotten through yet. This is important to me. When you leave your socks all over the floor (or whatever), it makes me feel like I'm your maid (or whatever)." By saying "This is important to me," you should grab his attention. Once you explain how his actions make you feel, and told him that it's important, then you've done your part on the communicating side. My hunch is that once you have a chat with him, he'll start changing his ways. If not, then you've done your part and he's decided not to listen to you or that your feelings are less important, and it's up to you what you want to do if that's the case (and I hope it's not).

Since you guys are long distance (as far as I can remember) then the physical part of the "shake you by the shoulders" speech isn't going to work. I suggest you call him, tell him that you need to talk to him and if now is a good time. Tell him you want his undivided attention, then proceed with the speech.

Also, for what it's worth, try to avoid generalizations, like "you always talk about yourself." Instead, point to a concrete example like "I was trying to tell you about my job the other day and you kept interrupting me to talk about your job."

I agree with DC that he probably doesn't know he's doing it and he's just thinking out loud. I also think he'll stop if you tell him about it.

Sorry this got long. I hope it helps!