STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Metric · Gucci

Xmas is looming, sort of updated

kenzie · Chanel

RE: Xmas is looming...(a bit personal)

Cricket · Gucci

I'm sorry about your dad, Brazen, but other than that I *totally* know how you feel. We have family spread out between Alaska, California and Texas. We also have 2 young children that everyone wants to see. For the past 6 years, we've driven all over this country and back during the holidays (and all year round), mostly because I have felt guilty living so far away. I want our family to be close (and my children to know everyone). We have a new car (2004), that has over 30,000 miles on it because we travel so much to visit people. I'm sick of it. I FINALLY told everyone that this Christmas is OURS. They can visit, but it will be at our house, and we're doing it our way. My husband has been trying to get me to do this for awhile, and it feels good that I finally did it. FOR ME. I'm important too. This is what I want this year.

We haven't heard responses from everyone yet. I fully expect a temper tantrum from my father in law, and from my dad. My FIL will throw a hissy fit that we're not driving out to Texas (a 13 hour trip) with 2 kids. Last year we took our dog. Now we have two, and we're not taking them both. It would be $250 to kennel them.

I have to stop my rant. I could go on and on. What I'm trying to say, is that the holidays are soooo stressful, and they shouldn't be. I think you should offer up Christmas Eve, and that's it. Tell everyone now, so they can possibly get over it by Christmas. If you think it's just this year that you want to be completely alone, tell them that and it might make them feel better. I realize parents love us, and want to spend time with us, but MAN, it gets so hard to spread it all around equally.

Tara · Dooney & Bourke

Brazen, I too am sorry about your dad. I can relate to your holiday stress. My b/f and I live in LA but our families are in PA and FL. X-mas is a big deal for my family. My mom and my grandmother both make huge meals (grandma - lunch, mom - dinner). My b/f is Jewish. His family does absolutely nothing for the holiday. But, his mother insists that her little baby boy be home for X-Mas morning. We have tried everything. My b/f planned on flying to PA with me from Dec 23-26 and then to FL from the 26-30. That didn't work for his mother - according to her, he had to be at her house on Dec 25th to play tennis with her. So I am not 100% sure what we are going to do about X-Mas this year. Last year, my b/f ignored his mother and came to PA with me. We had a great time, but she guilted him for an entire year. Honestly, on Jan 1, 2005 his mom started asking him what he was doing for X-Mas that year!

We have decided one thing about Thanksgiving. Both my family in PA, the b/f's dad in Denver, and his mom in FL wanted us to come out for the holiday. Because we started fighting about where to go, my b/f and I have decided to fly to Barcelona for Thanksgiving!

Anyway, the moral of my ranting is: sometimes you just have to do something selfish to keep your sanity. Didn't you 2 just move into a new house? I think you have every right (and should not feel guilty) about wanting to spend your first X-Mas together in your new home!!!!

splash · Kenneth Cole

I'm so sorry that the holiday has become such a bad experience!

At this point, it sounds like the best thing you can do in terms of guilt trips from your families is to make a point of spending that day (and any other times that multiple people want dibs on) alone. That way, you aren't choosing between them. And you can choose when you do see them more easily.

I hope this year goes better! Definitely plan things around that time that you know you'll enjoy and look forward to.

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

Well, I truly hope that somehow you find a way to have a holiday that is as wonderful as you are.

I have to admit that I as much as I want to marry my bf, I am dreading the day that it happens and we have to have the whose family are we spending the holidays with discussion. Our families are in different states so it is one or the other.

As it stands now I go home to Michigan for Christmas around the 22nd and come back Christmas night so that I get to see my bf even for a couple of hours on Christmas day.

-- Edited by Farrah at 17:20, 2005-09-15

blink · Coach

shrug off the "it's not enough" stuff and just keep doing it that way. if I were you, I would alternate or make a tradition of celebrating Xmas Eve with your family, Xmas with his and vice versa. Since it's your bf who has two families to visit, maybe you could drop out of one of them on alternating years? Maybe since you have so many families involved, you can agree with your boyfriend that you don't have to visit all three together. One day, if you get married and have kids, the option to visit seperately won't likely exist and you will begin to have the holidays at your own home, so I suggest giving your family the extra time now.

And I can't think of any way for you to get out of family visits without hurting someone's feelings. I do know what you mean about feeling "over" Christmas, but you can feel fortunate that you have lots of loving family nearby. I have a friend who has a broken relationship with her mother and never knew her father, her grandparents are gone, and she doesn't have the option to celebrate the holidays like most of us do.

blubirde · Chanel

Maybe you could just be firm with them? Tell them you all will spend Christmas day alone and they can choose whether they'd prefer Christmas Eve, the day after, or choose to come visit you on Christmas day.

Tell them all that they are equally important to the two of you and you wouldn't ask them to choose between y'all and anyone, so you're sure they can understand why you can't choose between the three sets of family. And if they don't understand, too bad for them. Once you make a firm decision, you'll be so much happier.

My brother and his wife have to figure out two sets of family plus two of my nephews are from his previous marriage so they have to work that in too. Basically we schedule our Christmas plans around them. We've done Christmas the weekend after, on New Years, and on Christmas Eve. It changes every year but we don't care. The important thing is seeing everyone and spending time with them, not the when or where.

Be strong. It may suck this year but once everyone gets used to it, it'll be fine. Everyone just needs a routine and tradition at Christmas, you know? Once they get it down, hopefully they'll stop harassing you.

Good luck!

halleybird · Hermes

I am sorry you have such a bad memory associated with Christmas.

I would tell your relatives in advance (like, NOW) that you won't be there for Christmas. If they press you, just say "___ and I thought it would be really cool to see what it was like to just have Christmas one-on-one."

If they whine about seeing you, you can set up a lunch or dinner date sometime in early December or January.

If it works, I envy you...I love Christmas, but my parents are divorced and now that I am married, I have 3 families demanding our time. I would love to just spend it with my dogs & my husband!

cc · Marc Jacobs

nm

-- Edited by cc at 14:29, 2006-02-02

sage · Dooney & Bourke

I used to have this issue. My SO and I both come from "broken homes" (the divorces didnt happen until we were adults so this is a joke for us) but everyone wanted our time. My mum wanted me to come home for Christmas, which I did, for years, with my sister and nephew (6-7 hr drive), leaving SO with his parents. This was fine, since we don't think Christmas is a huge deal and it seemed to mean a lot to my mum. And his parents too(that he be with them). Then, one year we got snowed in an extra day with my mum and I hated that, I really wanted to see the boy and I missed a day of work. So I told my mum I was no longer going to travel in the winter.(old womanish, I know,but I have an irrational fear of highways and accidents). Sooooo, now my mum comes to visit me in October, we do Christmas then, and my sister sometimes goes to see my mum at Christmas(I fondly tell her she is "taking one for the team") and SO and I make a grand announcement to his fam "We will be cooking a turkey on Christmas day. It will be ready at 2. If you want some, be there". One year the turkey wasnt ready until 9ish cause I drank way too much wine at an afternoon soiree and couldnt really do much except lay on the couch and give slurred instructions to SO. And that was our first ever turkey!!

Last year it went really well and his mum came and we had a nice time. And at some point you do get to see your peeps, maybe on Christmas day, maybe on Boxing Day. My mum is alone at Christmas too, but she does have some family around, and maybe since my sis and I are in our 30's she is more used to us not being there. I guess what I can offer, Brazen, is maybe it will get better as you get older. I know it seems so ominous, especially since there is sadness surrounding the season for you. ( I am sorry). But hopefully there will be some understanding and agreement ans time progresses.

Deuce · Dooney & Bourke

I too dread the holiday season. My parents are divorced and we all live 3 hours in different directions. ahhh.

When I was with my ex we decided to spend thanksgiving with one family and xmas with the other, and we swithced off years. If the family complains I highly reccommend the reverse guilt trip- "Of course I enjoy sepnding time with your family but I really like seeing my family as well. What would you do??" This has worked for me to help them see where we, the kids were coming from.

Don't forget to do what is best for the 2 of you to make the holidays more enjoyable for you. If you want to hang out in jammies then do it and adjust your family visits accordingly. It is not important what day you all get together on. The important thing is being with people you love and enjoying it. The feeling of obligation around the holidays creates a feeling of dread that is not fair to you, I know from experience.

I hope you come up with a good solution. If your bf is willing to work with you and feels the same way you do you guys will be fine and work out your own routine for the holidays.

luckylily · Gucci

I am a little late to respond to this...

The first year we were married my DH and I basically decided that we wanted Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to be ours alone. We spend it together lounging around our place, making a big breakfast, and opening the gifts we've got for one another. We've even been known to go hiking because the trails are so quiet.

It was hard for our families the first year, but they have learned to deal. They have come to understand that we view each other (and our pets, actually) as our new family. We make time to "do Christmas" with our respective families in few weeks before Christmas. I basically explained to them that we felt that as a newly married couple we wanted to start our own traditions. We appreciate, respect, and enjoy our family traditions, but rushing around to see everyone was taking the joy out of the day for us.

I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad.

Elle · Hermes

BC - Have you decided what to do yet? It feels impossible to make everyone happy! I'm just jumping in to commiserate, unfortunately, and to say that I'm really sorry about your Dad.

Since our move, FH and I live approximately 22 hrs drive from our families. And our parents live about and hour from each other. It would cost us a ridiculous amount to fly out there, and we have no one to watch our cat here. If we drove, it would be at least 2 days there and another 2 days back, not to mention paying for hotels and lost wages from FH missing work. I casually mentioned to my Mom that we have some friends that were coming to have Thanksgiving with us - she was so shocked that we weren't coming for Thanksgiving (frankly, no Turkey is worth 22 hrs of travelling!) and, horrified, gave me a "You are coming for Christmas, right?!?" She proceeded to burst into tears and tell me how she would dread the day and couldn't bear it without me. Great. I think we might all be in the running for the 'Worst Daughter Ever!' award this year ....

Has anything else gone down?

-- Edited by LMonet at 19:10, 2005-09-21

Metric · Gucci

LMonet wrote:

BC - Have you decided what to do yet? It feels impossible to make everyone happy! I think we might all be in the running for the 'Worst Daughter Ever!' award this year .... Has anything else gone down? -- Edited by LMonet at 19:10, 2005-09-21

Well, my bf and I talked it over and he thinks my "jammies plan" is just fine. So I told my mom my plans and she said she had been expecting us to start our own traditions for a few years now, so she was fine. She might spend some time with us or she might go to her brother's place (who, by the way, he and his wife are alcoholics so Xmas is always charming). We haven't told C's parents yet. We will probably spend Xmas eve at his mom's b/c his sister is out of the country so she will be all alone (She usually spends Xmas day with a big group of friends so she's probably do that). But I know it will be an issue with his dad (more so his dad's wife) so I'm just trying to put off the situation for as long as possible.

Can I vent about my future Step Monster...I mean Mother-In-Law for a moment? We had dinner with them on Sunday and she was asking me what I want to do "once I decide I don't want to be a chef anymore". I said I didn't know, and honestly I don't know. I have no clue what I want to "be when I grow up" (They don't believe being a chef, moreso being a tradesperson or in the service industry is a respectable career choice) But she would not let it go. She kept drilling me over dinner on what career choices interest me. I was really trying not to get pissed off but- man! was she ever working my nerves. Why does she even care what I do for work?

Also she said that she didn't know that we got a dog, even though we have had her for 5 months and FSMIL & FFIL have met her twice. Obviously our lives are of the utmost importance to them.