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Post Info TOPIC: friend dilemma


Kenneth Cole

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Posts: 321
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friend dilemma
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One of my friends (P) and I have been getting pretty annoyed at another friend (M). We've known each other for 3 years now, and M was my roommate our first year together. M is a great person: loyal, trustworthy, generous, etc. But she's clingy: rather than figuring out what she wants to do, she'll find other people and tag along, even when it's, for example, to a party where she won't know anyone. Also, her personality is annoying: during a conversation, she'll start telling a story, seldom an interesting or relevant one, and insist on being listened to: she simply repeats the first sentence over and over. If someone glances at her, she'll focus in on them and talk to them, even if over another conversation.

We - P, myself and others friends - don't know what to do. She's remained part of our group, we think, because during the first year we knew each other, we all lived near each other (esp. me being her roommate) so she could tag along easily. Others have started avoiding her, not telling her what they're doing, but she knows P and me better, so she asks us what we're doing a lot. As a result, other friends are sometimes less willing to tell P and me what they're doing for fear M will come too.

I don't know what to do. Ideally, I'd stay friends with M but not spend as much time with her. But I feel guilty pushing her away, and as her closest friend here (her best friend, who had the same annoyance with her being clingy, is gone for the year) my doing so would leave her without a strong group of friends, as far as I can tell. I'd really appreciate any ideas of how to gain enough distance to appreciate her good qualities without hurting her!

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Marc Jacobs

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i have limited experience w/ this but i know my best friend (A) has a friend (J) just like the one you're describing and here's what she suggested:


break down the clingy behavior and deal with it piece by piece.  for example, when J starts calling A too much and leaves rambling nonsensical messages on A's voicemail, A makes a point of not calling back right away and when she does call back, she comments that she doesn't check here voicemail so it's probably useless to leave such messages.  anyway she usually has to hint quite a bit because while J, like your friend M, is a nice person, she's...how do i say...um...socially challenged.


anyway with M, next time she asks where you're going and wants to tag along say something like this:  "sorry, M tonight's not a good night.  let's hang out later this week.  i'll call you as soon as i get a chance."


the end.  offer no excuses.  resist the urge to blame it on someone else because whatever excuse you give, she will try to counter it and you don't want to get into that.  i know it sucks to say no but trust me, it's really the only way to salvage your friendship, because if you don't do it, chances are she'll drive you crazy which may result in a fight or whatever that may really hurt her feelings.


anyway, it's definitely a tough situation so hang in there!



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