STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

laken1 · Hermes

So upset with friend, don't know what to do now.. long

manhattanmonkey · Kenneth Cole

Wow. That's a tough one.

I feel the same way you do, although most would probably consider me a prude. This three some business is becoming more popular - even swaps.

I disagree with it completely and think it will just lead to sexual coruption and completely dishonors the marriage vows.

I guess the only advice I can give is to just be true to yourself and be honest with your friend. Sometimes she may not like what you have to say, but - she asked.

-- Edited by manhattanmonkey at 17:59, 2005-09-13

blubirde · Chanel

What a tricky situation!

Here's the way I feel about friends making mistakes (even huge ones):

1. It's your duty, as a friend, to try and prevent your friends from making mistakes, either by being there and trying to help them work out their problems so they don't do crazy things, flat out telling them you think it's a bad idea, or whatever.

2. Once a friend makes a mistake, huge or small, I will not judge them, no matter what. Would I do the same thing? No. Can I learn from their mistakes? Yes. But I, in no way, will judge them. I've done a lot of crazy things and the last thing I needed was someone telling me they disapproved or "I told you so" or "you're stupid" or whatever. My friend (and me in turn) is just supposed to be there in the aftermath to help me pick up the pieces.

So as much as it sucks and as much as you don't agree with what she did, I would bite my tongue and just try to be there for her as much as possible.

In our lives we will have so many ups and downs, you know? There will be boyfriends, funerals, marriages, kids, divorces, etc. It's a windy road but the only thing that you can count on is your friends and family to stand by you on it, no matter if you're on your ass or standing tall.

If you can, just be there for her. I think it's important to be open and honest with friends but just because you wouldn't do a thing and you don't understand a thing doesn't mean you are judging her for doing the same thing. It just means y'all have different points of view and isn't that the beauty of a friendship?

Okay I've rambled on and I'm not sure I've made much sense but hang in there - you're a good friend.

Hermes

I am not a prude either, but I wouldn't want to know.

If it were me, I would say "I don't know why it bothers me, but it does, and I'm having a problem hearing about it. Until I find a way to better deal with what you're doing, would you mind just not sharing it with me? I still care about you as a friend and everything - so don't think I'm being judgmental or shunning you - but maybe it is because I care about you and your family that it bothers me so much."

FYI - I know there is info on this stuff that supports that this inevitably will lead to feelings of betrayal and lack of trust - don't have time to hunt it down. Plus, what if her child walks in on this?

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Believe it or not, this actually happened to me with another set of friends. Who broke up. Then got engaged. Then broke up horribly. Then got back together after a year. I know it's upsetting, but I agree with Bluebirde, you wish they hadn't done it but it's not your/our place to judge. In oru case, we're still good friends. I listened when she needed to talk about it. And never, ever, ever mentioned it other than that because I didn't want to say the wrong thing or even remind her that she'd shared something so personal (and that she eventually regretted quite a bit).

Andrea Julia · Coach

Well, I hope your friend is not regretting her decision to go forward with the threesome. I would imagine that regret could really kill you in this situation. I totally think it was a horrible idea, but I also know people who have done it and been fine with it. I personally could never share my boyfriend or husband with anyone. No way. And I wouldn't want to be the third person for fear that my relationship with the couple would become weird.

What I find really weird about this is that the single woman approached THEM about having a threesome. From the limited knowledge I have about threesomes, it is usually the couple approaching the single person. I also question the motivation of the single woman.

All you can do is be there for her and listen. I think if you preach to her or tell her you don't want to hear it, she may become hesistant to talk to you about other things. Let her know you are disappointed in her, but are not judging her.

NCshopper · Hermes

detroit wrote:

I am not a prude either, but I wouldn't want to know. If it were me, I would say "I don't know why it bothers me, but it does, and I'm having a problem hearing about it. Until I find a way to better deal with what you're doing, would you mind just not sharing it with me? I still care about you as a friend and everything - so don't think I'm being judgmental or shunning you - but maybe it is because I care about you and your family that it bothers me so much." FYI - I know there is info on this stuff that supports that this inevitably will lead to feelings of betrayal and lack of trust - don't have time to hunt it down. Plus, what if her child walks in on this?

I totally agree with detroit's advice. I recently went through a similar situation with my best friend (we go as far back as preschool) who was having an affair with a married man with three kids. Very similar situation to yours. She asked my opinion, I told her exactly what I thought and she continued to go down that road. When she was bitching to me about how he wasn't giving her the attention she thought she deserved, I told her basically what detroit said.

I think you need to let her know that you have her best interests at heart, but that you really don't want to hear about it. Explain to her that you aren't going to tell your husband about it, but that knowing about it and not being able to tell him bothers you on a moral level as well.

I'm certainly not a prude either--I don't really have a problem with people having threesomes, but when they're married, it just doesn't seem right. And that they have a kid together makes it all the more disdainful. And that the third party approached them about it is VERY strange to me.

Question for you though--could you sense by her e-mail her tone of voice? Do you know if this was a good experience for her, or was she upset about it? The reason I ask is that her reaction to it will play a part in how you talk to her about it. Obviously, if she's upset, you'll probably not want to come down on her very hard. But if this is something that she's going to continue doing in the future then I think you should tell her you just don't want to know. If she's a good friend, she should understand that.

laken1 · Hermes

Thanks ladies, I guess i just needed feedback that it's not just me & I agree with manhattanmonkey that this seems to be "popular" - I found out about a week before this started with this friend that one of my other friends from high school was having a "side" relationship with another woman & both of their husbands knew & were ok with it. I guess that didn't bother me as much because i'm not as close to her, but i was shocked nonetheless! And then my sister found out that some people that work with her husband were wife swapping - we've been very confused for a few months wondering if we were "abnormal" for thinking that this is NOT OK!!!!

detroit - as far as her daughter walking in on it - they had talked about it to a point that I knew if they did it they would go to a hotel, but still....on an ongoing basis, i mean, that's not a reality (to go to a local hotel often) and people do get drunk & do stupid stuff. I'd defend her as a good mother, because I really think she is, but at this point I can't defend her for anything...if that makes sense. I just don't know anymore. I figured there was some data on the outcome, but honestly i never thought to look it up & I don't know that it would have done any good anyway.

AJ & NC - I'm not sure if she regrets it or not as we haven't talked about it - she tried to call me yesterday while i was out running errands & i still can't call into BR half the time because of the hurricane. Her email was very basic since she was at work - i couldn't tell from the tone. But i think what is bothering me a lot is that she didn't call to talk about it again before she did, or tell me that they had decided for sure to go through with it. Not that she is obligated to do so, but I kind of felt before that she was being pressured by her husband & the other woman & I feel like she didn't want to give me another opportunity to talk her out it.

DIzzy, glad that this has happened to somebody else - maybe i'm not a terrible person for picking friends that think this is ok!!!!!

And blubirde - that made perfect sense & kind of how I feel. I mean, if i cut off every friend that does something stupid (and visa versa) I'll definately be all alone in this world. thanks

When she calls I'm just going to go with it until i can't hear about it anymore. I mean at this point she may just say -"we did it, it was nice, we aren't doing it again" & that will be the end of it. Until it festers & ruins her marriage...Sorry, got off point there for a minute. But somehow I just think at this point she may be ok with it because it was just once (so far) & none of the fall out will have happened yet? I just don't know, I'll let you know what happens.

Damn, i thought when we got married our lives STOPPED being a soap opera.

blink · Coach

hey laken1, I would feel pretty much like you do if one of my long time friends participated in and disclosed to you this threesome. I don't really mind if someone wants to label me a prude, I believe, and the majority of marriage and family psychologists would agree, that this is harmful and selfish behavior.

It sounds to me like maybe you and your friend and you aren't as like minded as you once were. I don't know if in the future you will want her to continue to disclose things of this nature to you. If in the long haul, your friendship changes or even drifts away because you may not want to socialize with her, don't feel guilt, do what's best for you and your family. Also, don't feel guilty for anything you may have been cool with in the past, it's ok to have a totally different perspective and opinion NOW.

You are more mature, you are in a marriage, life moves forward. We've all made mistakes, plenty of us (myself included) have once been "down with it" when faced with moral choices in our younger and single days. I dare anyone to try and judge me for something I did before I had a family of my own. Things were different then. It's who we "were." You are not a hypocrite for changing your moral views. Good luck.

atlgirl · Gucci

I guess I'm more of a "live and let live" kind of girl. If a friend of mine wanted to / did this, I wouldn't care as long as she / husband / third party enjoyed themselves, even though I personally wouldn't choose to do so. Some people are more open to this kind of thing than others - many Europeans, for example, have open marriages, whereas people in this country often can't even stomach the idea.

laken, while I know you're trying to be non-judgemental of your friend, statements like "that will be the end of it. Until it festers & ruins her marriage" show that you *are* judging her. You don't know that this will ruin her marriage, or hurt her daughter, or do anything other than cause YOU distress over it. The daughter may never know. If your friend is okay with this and wants to pursue it further, or she was fine with it but they mutuall decided not to do it anymore, then the only one who is feeling soap opera drama is you...you don't know how she feels right now, yet you are already predicting the outcome and stressing over a potential drama that may not happen.

I also don't see it as "cheating" per se if the husband / wife is fine with the scenario. I guess technically it is, if you define cheating as being sexually unfaithful to your partner, but usually cheating implies deception as well - which obviously didn't exist in this case.

I agree with blubirde about being there for your friends no matter what - but it sounds like you won't be able to "be there" without judging her, and I think that will cause problems for your friendship. I'm sorry you are distressed by this and I hope you can find some peace over the issue.

-- Edited by atlgirl at 16:07, 2005-09-16