STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Kari · Dooney & Bourke

Asking about a person's sexual orientation

Andrea Julia · Coach

Hmm...I don't think it is necessarily wrong, but I do think that if you are incorrect, the person could get offended. I wish I could tell you another way to get them to reveal that information. There must be some way...

crystal · Kate Spade

what is the context here? normally i would say what difference does it make, but when it comes to crushes & such then it does make a BIG difference! otherwise i would say assume what you will, as long as you don't ask questions/make comments that presume one sexual orientation or the other.

Kari · Dooney & Bourke

It is just simply that I've gotten to know this person in school. We are in a lot of the same clubs/organizations. We've started chatting quite a bit and even ended up at some of the same places this weekend. Its been about 4 weeks now since we first met.

There are no crushes involved. I am married and I do not get any vibes that he is interested in me other than as a friend. In fact, I thought he was gay. However, I hate to make that assumption.

Maddie · Coach

I think straight people are more likely to be offended than gay people. In my experience most gay people feel like they aren't accepted by society and have downplay that part of their life and so being asked about it gives them the oppurtunity to be open about it. Most straight people are more likely to be offended that their sexuality is ambigous. That said, I don't really want to talk to people I don't know about my sexuality and I doubt I would feel differently if I were gay. I HATE it when people ask if I have a boyfriend, that's my business. So personally, I'd probably be annoyed, but not because I would care if you could tell my sexuality right off. It would depend on the situation though. My advice would be to assume nothing. Gay people I know hate it when it's assumed that they are straight. If you're going to talk about sexuality do it in non-gender specific terms like, "are you seeing anyone?"

Ok, having read your sitation, I probably wouldn't ask. I might try to figure it out by asking around, or asking probing questions. I think it's better to err on the side of being inoffensive.

-- Edited by Maddie at 18:26, 2005-09-12

oliviacw · BCBG

The big question is, why would you need to know? In most cases, it's only important if you are sexually attracted to them, or vice versa, and one of you wants to act upon it. It doesn't sound like that's the case here, so I would not bring it up.

Kari · Dooney & Bourke

oliviacw wrote:

The big question is, why would you need to know? In most cases, it's only important if you are sexually attracted to them, or vice versa, and one of you wants to act upon it. It doesn't sound like that's the case here, so I would not bring it up.

I don't completely agree with you; however, to give a few more details...Over the past four weeks we have gotten to know each other and had some great conversations. Like you said...there isn't an interest sexually, so I have never brought it up and neither has he. However, recently, it seems as though he is kind of intentionally trying to confuse me on the issue. He will make statements that would make an individual believe that maybe he is gay. Then he will kind of overcompensate for that statement by saying something totally opposite. It makes me wonder if he isn't completely sure about the situation himself. It is none of my business, but I get the feeling he is trying to bring it up. I just didn't know how to handle it..if I should bring it up or not.

I think I will just let it go and see what happens.

Maddie · Coach

Even if he wasn't try to confuse you, I think it's totally fine to be curious about a person's sexuality. I would never judge someone on their sexuality, but I always want to know. I'm just super gossipy like that. I'd also want to know lots of other random stuff about them that it would probably be inappropriate to ask.

erin · Chanel

totally irrelevant and not really your business! (i don't mean that to sound rude, but that's just how i feel!)

if he wants to "come out of the closet" to you, i'm sure he will in his own time and comfort zone.

Irene · Dooney & Bourke

No, it's never okay to ask someone about their sexual orientation. It's none of yours or anyones business. And it's not about offending someone, its about its inappropriate to ask such a personal question. Would you ask a friend if they take it in the ass? No, I surely hope not at least. LOL!

ejc423 · Coach

Um, I think this is the kind of thing you want to know about a friend. I like to know what music my friends listen to, what foods they like to eat, even their religious and political views. I think sexual orientation should be right up there. But obviously, not everyone feels this way. I can't tell from the background if you really would consider this guy a friend, but if so, I think it's something that is perfectly acceptable to wonder about. If he's not a friend, I guess it really doesn't matter (still ok to wonder, just not important to know).

So I know that's not really advice on whether to ask or not. I probably wouldn't.

lynnie · Chanel

I agree with everyone that says its not your business and inappropriate to ask if he is a stranger, or an aquaintance (coworker you just chat with at work or get drinks once in a while with). Unless they volunteer it to you. However, if they are your friend, i feel like it is ok to ask- i can just see being worried about offending someone. My British friend asked a questionable boy if he was gay very candidly while we were out drinking one night in Nice, she just pulled him aside and said, Hey I've been wondering. Are you gay? He said no, but still, none of us believed him. She said he was very "camp". Anyway, i wouldn't do that. I would wait til you iknow him better, does he ever talk about going on dates with anyone?

asf · Kate Spade

Irene wrote:

Would you ask a friend if they take it in the ass? No, I surely hope not at least. LOL!

i would! honestly, i can't think of anything i wouldn't ask my friends (i'm talking close friends, not casual friends).

that said, kari, here's what you should do: wear a completely hideous outfit next time you're going to see him, and see if he comments on it. if not, he's straight.

laken1 · Hermes

Irene wrote:

Would you ask a friend if they take it in the ass? No, I surely hope not at least. LOL!

I have no opinion on this issue, but I had to come back to this because many minutes later, I'm still laughing about it.

Andrea Julia · Coach

Next time you are hanging out and a good-looking guy passes by, say, "isn't that guy hot?" and see how he reacts. I've done this with guy friends that I know are straight just being silly. You could just play it off like you were kidding around.