STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

blubirde · Chanel

No chemistry dilemma *UPDATE*

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

RE: No chemistry dilemma

laken1 · Hermes

OMG - esquiress - that has me rolling laughing!

I was simply going to say - kiss him & see if you feel chemistry then. Some guys don't put a "sexual" vibe & only after you kiss them can you tell if you are into it.

I only say that because I think the whole story about him going to see your art unprompted then commenting on each piece has to be the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

blubirde · Chanel

Oh esquiress, I'm bored. And there's no thought of puking so... you make a good point.

laken1 - I know, right? I couldn't believe it. Are these stories you tell your grandkids about or what? If only I wanted to kiss him, too. We'll see. Maybe I'll go out with him again, he'll go in for the kiss, and it won't be that bad. Maybe I'll even like it. And then maybe bam! chemistry galore. Or, worst case scenario, I just got one of the best compliments ever.

TexasGal · Kenneth Cole

I think the art thing alone is worth giving the guy a shot. It's just too cute. And I've been in your shoes many, many times....where EVERYTHING is great except for the chemistry. Too bad chemistry is pretty crucial. In the past, there was this guy J (lol) who was adorable in every way but I wasn't attracted to him at all...zilch...nada. I grew to regret passing him off cause we remained friends and the more I got to know him...I learned the sweeter his personality got. So I vowed to never let that happen again. So...a while later, I meet guy A. A is incredible in every way except there wasn't that spark. But I hung on and gave it a shot. A is now my bf and I couldn't be happier. Long story short...what's the harm in giving it a shot? I've learned that you can grow to love how someone looks...especially if their personality rocks.

lynnie · Chanel

Ok, thats good that the thought of kissing him doesn't make you want to vomit. That is very important. Also, do you find him physically attractive? Because I fully believe that chemistry sometimes takes time- it is not always instant. I found myself intellectually and emotionally attracted to my bf before i was sexually attracted to him, but thats because he was a nice guy and not just trying to get a piece. As I got to know him and see what a cute guy he was, the way he treated me, cute things he said, etc. I started to become jealous when he went out with other girls and started to think of him sexually.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

I don't know, BBe, my personal experience has always been that no chemistry = doom. In one case, the attraction increased slightly but then plateaued, and in the other, it showed up and then left again. And in both cases I wound up dating the guys because I was bored, lonely, and they both really really liked me and treated me like gold and so I thought, "well how can I NOT like this guy?" And in the end, the lack of attraction wound up sinking the relationship even though I kept telling myself "but he's so great, but he's so great." In my experience, just appreciating someone and enjoying him and admiring him is not enough to sustain a relationship--that is a friendship--the attraction is what makes a relationship different from a friendship.

And boredom can convince you to pursue a relationship with somebody you wouldn't even consider if there were someone around who really rang your bell.

But who are we kidding, you're probably going to go out with him and see what happens, right? I guess just be aware of what his feelings are in case his feelings start to outpace your own, cause you don't want to lead him on.

-- Edited by sephorablue at 18:23, 2005-09-09

poptart · Coach

Hmmm.

My feeling is, that if there is no chemistry, curb it. You are a wonderful person who can meet someone who appreciates you and your art AND who you are attracted to.

Simple thought, but that's all I've got on this one.

Hermes

Lisa wrote:

Hmmm. My feeling is, that if there is no chemistry, curb it. You are a wonderful person who can meet someone who appreciates you and your art AND who you are attracted to. Simple thought, but that's all I've got on this one.

on the flip side of this thought, I was friends with my now husband for 2 months before I started thinking of him romantically. We have now been together for 11 years - nine of which we have been married.

shopgirl82 · Chanel

detroit wrote:

on the flip side of this thought, I was friends with my now husband for 2 months before I started thinking of him romantically. We have now been together for 11 years - nine of which we have been married.

ditto. when my current bf asked for my phone number before i left to go back to college, i was like, "why is this guy asking for my number?". needless to say, we built a relationship over the phone. maybe i found his wittiness, friendship, whatever it was...sexy. we'll be together for 4 in oct. you never know...

splash · Kenneth Cole

I can never decide on this one. But he sounds like Such a great guy, that I say, give it one more chance - including a kiss - and if it still doesn't work, at that point tell him, so you don't hurt him. Is he friend material? Is there a way you could say how much you like him (as a person) but that you need more time to see how the romantic aspect of the relationship develops? That's a tricky thing to say, but when it works out, it usually ends up that the 2 of you match in a way that allows a very close relationship, whether it's friendship or romance. Just my obsesrvation.. don't know that it's really true.

dc · Dooney & Bourke

I think if he makes you laugh, takes such an interest in what you do, and you're not repulsed by the idea of kissing him, you owe it to yourself and to him to give him another shot. I am usually all about instant chemistry. but in this case I don't know... it might be the exception. Smooch him and see, I say. Sounds like he's worth taking a chance on.

cc · Marc Jacobs

Any updates?

I agree that you should give him a chance. I used to be sooo fixated on having instant chemistry with a guy but when I met my boyfriend last summer I felt no sparks at all - personality-wise or physically. Eventually we wound up emailing each other and I developed a huge friendly crush on him and right up until the moment that we kissed I was unsure and was afraid that there would be no sparks but it obviously it worked out pretty well!
Maybe there's something there and you just need to give it a little time to come to the surface.

blubirde · Chanel

Last night we watched a movie at his place. (Actually we watched the first season of Dawson's Creek - how awesome is that??!! He somehow had it and I insisted that we watch it.)

And it was.... nice. He kissed me when I left and it wasn't horrible but it wasn't amazing either. I just don't know! He said I seemed "angelic" in that he wanted to kiss me all night but he kinda felt like he shouldn't. I don't put off an angelic vibe girls, as I'm sure most of y'all can guess. I think he was just sensing my hesitation.

But he did do one other sweet thing. He has a friend who is really into wine and he knows that I'm really into wine. He remembered the wine I drank at my local coffee/wine place on our first date and called his friend to figure out what kind it was. (It was Bonny Doon big house red and he thought it was called Bonny Fondue. Kinda funny. Actually, I just kinda like that wine but I drink it at that place because it's the best "affordable" by the glass. But that's another story.)

For all you girls that have these friends to lovers stories, how long until something started to click? Should I hang in there or bow out gracefully? I hate to bow out at this point because he's nice, funny, etc. My guy friend said I'm not obligated to "bow out" until he brings up some kind of feelings/dating talk but I'm not sure. I don't want to lead him on but at the same time, I'm not sure whether I like him or not so is that really leading on?

I'm confused.

janey831 · Kate Spade

RE: No chemistry dilemma *UPDATE*

Hermes

blubirde wrote:

For all you girls that have these friends to lovers stories, how long until something started to click? Should I hang in there or bow out gracefully? I hate to bow out at this point because he's nice, funny, etc. My guy friend said I'm not obligated to "bow out" until he brings up some kind of feelings/dating talk but I'm not sure. I don't want to lead him on but at the same time, I'm not sure whether I like him or not so is that really leading on? I'm confused.

I wouldn't worry to much about forcing a kiss and seeing if sparks fly - sparks fly as a result of being into someone, not the kiss itself. My husband - well, I actually was trying to fix him up with someone else, and I was telling him how I told her that he was really nice, easy to talk to, well travelled, well educated, successful, yada yada... and it was like a light bulb went off and I said something like "you know what? I should be dating you" we then took off to his place and screwed each others brains out and have been together ever since (yes, I know some of you have already heard this story). One last note - to this day I do not like how he kisses - a long term relationship is not all about the physical - even if it is hot in the beginning - it dies off eventually - GUARANTEED.

Side note and general thoughts that may or may not apply to you: The reason I wasn't attracted to my husband initially was because he dressed kinda dorky (that's all fixed now) and he didn't have that "edge" and didn't challenge me -- basically he was nice and didn't play games - now why wouldn't I want that? All the guys who were edgy and challenging treated me like crap - I had to ask myself "why wouldn't I want a nice guy?" I used to say stuff like "he's too nice" - and finally learned no one can ever be too nice to you.

laken1 · Hermes

basically he was nice and didn't play games - now why wouldn't I want that? All the guys who were edgy and challenging treated me like crap - I had to ask myself "why wouldn't I want a nice guy?" I used to say stuff like "he's too nice" - and finally learned no one can ever be too nice to you.

Well said & ditto. So true

BTW, detroit, i love your story - that's too funny!!!

NCshopper · Hermes

I say give him another chance or two. He obviously likes you, but it doesn't seem like he's psycho/obsessive about it, like some guys can be early on, so that's a plus. (Does that even make sense?) He sounds like he's just a genuinely good person and just wants you to have a good time.

Have you made a list yet? If so, do the pros outweigh the cons? If so, then keep going with it. I think you'll have a gut feeling either way before too long. You'll either be all over him, or just still kinda "eh" about him.

Regardless, it sounds like this guy is worth having around, even if it turns out that you'd just rather be friends with him.

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

Haha...I'm all about giving boys chances. But then I end up with all these boys hanging around that I don't know quite how to get rid of. But heck, at least I'll be able to look back and say I know for sure that it wouldn't work out, right? It sounds like this guy is quite wonderful. At the very least it will make you feel good to be treated well!

Andrea Julia · Coach

Well, since you haven't gotten "the ick" about him and don't feel like puking at the thought of kissing, I say keep seeing him. You laugh with him. You have fun with him. And wouldn't he just be the perfect man for you if you did feel chemistry? You are definitely at an in between point where it could go either way: you could become less and less attracted to him until finally one night, you roll over and look at him and gnaw off your arm coyote-style to get away OR his wonderful qualities could make you more attracted to him. I say keep seeing him unless you see things starting to lean toward the first one. I know that once I stop feeling chemistry for someone, there is no way it is coming back no matter how hard I try.