STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Starstuff · Kenneth Cole

RE: handshake?

blubirde · Chanel

dc wrote:

Alas, in this case the handshake meant "Thanks, but no thanks." It's been almost two weeks, so I think it's safe to call this one. That would be all well and good except he implied not once, but twice that he'd be in touch (#1: "we should do this again..." #2: post-handshake, I said I hoped to see him again and he asked when I'd be back from vacation and that he'd call). Dude, don't say you'll call if you're not going to! Oldest line in the book, I guess.. guys just don't know what else to say. I can respect it if you simply say you had a nice time and leave it at that. Personally, I had rather enjoyed his company, but oh well. I mean, I'd be lying if I said I didn't sort of wonder if I did something to change his mind in between him saying we should hang out again and the end of the date, but I am not going to beat myself up over it after only one date. We had a good time, I thought, but who knows? I was myself, and you can't do more than that.

Eh, his loss. Guys are such weirdos sometimes. It's not like we imagine the good time. I personally, and I'm sure it's the same for you dc, don't have a good time if the other person isn't giving off signals that he's enjoying himself also. Who knows why he didn't call? But you're right, you can't beat yourself up over it.

What's that saying? Dating is like going on an interview for a job you're not sure you want? Yep, yep, yep. He'll probably call you in a couple weeks and be entirely surprised you don't want to go out with him again. Boys. Idiots.

dc · Dooney & Bourke

Ok, not to belabor this, but I had dinner with some of my guy friends last night, and when - getting their take on my dating life re:this and other recent dates - I told them that I wouldn't let him walk me home, they all groaned and threw up their hands (except for my friend's husband, who is rather protective and doesn't think I should allow guys anywhere near my house) and said THAT's why the handshake/no call (as Tati suggested). I was just being nice telling him he didn't have to walk me home, but they said that meant "I am not interested." And besides, I did say AFTER the handshake I'd like to see him again...

Well, nothing to do about it now, but for future reference and in a general sense, do you guys think that telling a guy there's no need to go out of his way (I suggested splitting the difference between our two homes which are in opposite directions) is the equivalent of telling him you're not into it?

Andrea Julia · Coach

dc wrote:

Well, nothing to do about it now, but for future reference and in a general sense, do you guys think that telling a guy there's no need to go out of his way (I suggested splitting the difference between our two homes which are in opposite directions) is the equivalent of telling him you're not into it?

Not really. I mean, I can see it making a more insecure guy unsure if you are or are not into him. Also, it might make a guy who is looking for something quick and easy realize it isn't worth his time. However, I definitely think if the guy was into it, he would still give it a try. You did everything else you could have done to show your interest: you said you were interested in seeing him again and I'm sure he could tell you had fun. This is not your fault. If letting him walk you home would have made a huge difference to him, he is obviously someone that is easily discouraged and he would have stopped calling sooner or later when you took too long to call him back or got sick and cancelled a date or something.

Something to think about: I'm sure you have been on a date with a guy you were totally not into. You tried to be nice, but couldn't really get the enthusiasm to show interest. You walked and sat as far away from him as you can. You spent more time talking to the waiter than him. You feigned being tired or having an early meeting to go home early and all but jumped out of his car and ran. Etc. etc., etc. And then the next day, he calls you asking you to go out again. My point is if a guy is interested, he will call no matter what. Unless you flat out say "I'm not interested," he will give it a shot and call you. Not letting him walk you home shouldn't be so discouraging that a guy who would have called would change his mind.

I'm not saying you did anything to lose his interest. Any number of things could have happened. Don't blame yourself. I'm sure you were fun and looked great. Some kind of outside factor obviously came into play here. I just don't think the walking home thing was the reason. Shame on your friend's boyfriends for getting you paranoid!

blubirde · Chanel

dc wrote:

Ok, not to belabor this, but I had dinner with some of my guy friends last night, and when - getting their take on my dating life re:this and other recent dates - I told them that I wouldn't let him walk me home, they all groaned and threw up their hands (except for my friend's husband, who is rather protective and doesn't think I should allow guys anywhere near my house) and said THAT's why the handshake/no call (as Tati suggested). I was just being nice telling him he didn't have to walk me home, but they said that meant "I am not interested." And besides, I did say AFTER the handshake I'd like to see him again... Well, nothing to do about it now, but for future reference and in a general sense, do you guys think that telling a guy there's no need to go out of his way (I suggested splitting the difference between our two homes which are in opposite directions) is the equivalent of telling him you're not into it?

This is an interesting question. I told a guy last night he didn't have to walk me to my car, which was a few blocks away when he was parked right in front of the place. I didn't mean it as a disinterested kind of thing but I was just trying to be polite. He insisted on walking me, which made me feel kind of awkward but whatever.

Point being, I don't think it means you're disinterested but that you're polite. Maybe it's like splitting the check. It all depends on how you say it. If you INSIST on splitting the check, they might take it as a sign you're not interested. (Maybe if you insisted on walking yourself home he could have taken it the wrong way???) But conversely, if you just offer to split the check out of politeness, they still have the option to say no or yes, whichever.

I'm with your guy friend who says first daters shouldn't come near the home. I agree. If some guy got offended because I didn't want him to see where I lived before I got to know him a little better, he can kiss mine. So maybe it's a good litmus test for you.

Alright, I've jabberred on and on without making much sense but basically I think the answer is "no," I don't think walking yourself home means you're not interested. AJ's right. If he wants to go out again, he'll be in touch, regardless of the dropping of at home issue.

BTW, berate away. I try to live vicariously through all the STers. I love berating.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

i think it all depends. and it usually all depends on a million factors of which you have zero or little control. so aj's probably totally right. the only thing is, i can't dismiss your friends' feedback out of hand because i just don't know enough about how you usually come off to guys. it sounds like your friends are afraid you are unwittingly coming across as reserved or not interested or whatever. if that is the case, it probably won't really help to analyze specific events out of context--for example the not walking home thing could be seen as a sign of disinterest or it could just be seen as being nice and practical--it all depends on the delivery. but if your issue is that you are afraid of unwittingly coming off as not interested when you are interested, just err on the opposite side--be really friendly, smile, initiate the hug goodbye, whatever.

don't worry, just take handshake guy for what he was, a little bit lesson learned a lot bit wtf??