STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

alb · Marc Jacobs

Help--why does this annoy me??

ILoveChoo · Hermes

ew, you have every right to be annoyed- I would have been fuming mad! saying "wow, she's getting so big!" is one thing "oh, she's fat" is totally another. and your right, baby's are supposed to be a little chubby- it means they are healthy! I'm sure Lucy is beautiful and it sounds like she is the perfect weight.

gruiz · Kenneth Cole

The fact that she is criticizing your child is reason enough to be angered by her comments. There's no need to explain any further, to her or anyone else.

Maybe talk to your husband about HIS reaction to it, since it's his sister. Instead of him saying "Oh, she's not fat..." he could say "please don't make negative, unhealthy comments like that." Hopefully she'll get the point.

Luv2Shop · Kate Spade

It sounds to me like she has no clue about babies, or much for that matter. I have never seen a "skinny", for lack of a better word, baby. My 3 cousins were the cutest chubbiest babies with big cute baby heads. Now they are very active and skinny kids. There is a reason it is called baby fat. It is VERY healthy for a baby to be chubby like that and the fact that she would say fat really makes me wonder what she says about adults. you might want to just ignore her, bucause she is going to be around forever being your SIL, but if you feel like playing her game, do the same thing. If she asks you how something looks, use a really strange comment about it to show her how it feels. Or just be really honest with her and tell her it's straight out rude and she doesn't know anything about babies. If you make her mad, so what, maybe she won't come around as much.

Good luck!!!

Mandy · Kate Spade

OMG, I would be really bothered by that. Its a 3 month old!! They are supposed to be chubby, how can you say that a baby is fat?? I agree, its really unhealthy to make negative comments about weight of a child, much less a baby. She sounds like she has issues.

alb · Marc Jacobs

Thanks, girls. It helps to vent and read some of your thoughts. My SIL does have issues and has no clue about babies, she thinks that it shouldn't bother us b/c it wasn't intended as criticism. She already has acknowledged that babies are supposed to be "fat." That's what bugs me--she totally knows that Lucy should be chubby and she continued to say it. I remained silent until she finally asked me if it bugged me. Ugg--she's so annoying.

Anyone else feel free to post their comments.

cc · Marc Jacobs

Is there any chance she means it in a positive way? I know the word fat generally has negative connotations but I've heard people exclaim "She/he's so fat!" while cooing over an adorable baby and I've done it myself. Babies with lots of pudge are the cutest things ever. Maybe "chubby" would be a better word to use but I don't think people calling a baby fat is necessarily a criticism especially since most people know that's what healthy babies are like. I guess I don't usually think of fat being a negative word to use when describing a baby. But if your SIL is being serious and seems to be criticizing your baby you have ever right to be annoyed!

rlutz · Chanel

I definitely think you are allowed to be mad...she has no right to say anything negative about your baby...

Hermes

ok - when I first read this, I was thinking she is trying to get under your skin - then I read your next post and it was confirmed:

alb wrote:

I remained silent until she finally asked me if it bugged me.

She's totally doing it to get to you - she wasn't getting confirmed satisfaction that it did get to you, that's why she asked - to make sure it was working.

If I were you, I wouldn't acknowledge her barbs - just act like you never heard it - beat her at her own game.

cc · Marc Jacobs

I totally missed your other post. I agree with detroit - if she made those comments and then asked if it bothered you she was obviously hoping to bother you and even though it might drive you crazy the best method is probably to just try to ignore her when she says things like this.

atlgirl · Gucci

My SIL does have issues and has no clue about babies, she thinks that it shouldn't bother us b/c it wasn't intended as criticism.

That doesn't flippin' matter. That's like me saying, "You b*tch" to a friend, then telling them they shouldn't be upset because I mean it as a compliment. Give me a break!

If it *was* unintentional initially, which I doubt, then once she knows that her words / phrasing bothers you, she should find other ways to convey what she wants to say to you. IMO if she was concerned that her words might have irritated/upset/hurt/bothered you - any of those things - then she would be more thoughtful in her speech. Since she doesn't bother to do that, and in fact CONTINUES the behavior she knows is bothering you, it's obviously quite deliberate. I'd completely ignore her when she pulls that sh*t, until she gets the message that her manipulations aren't working on you.

Sorry she's such a PITA. I'm sure your daughter is beautiful and she sounds healthy enough to me!

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

To answer your ?, it annoys you because she is a complete a$$hole.

If I were you I would tell her that the next time she feels the need to insult my child she can walk right out of my house and stay out until she develops some tact. Furthermore I would remind her that if you do not have something nice to say don't say it all. Stop letting her make you feel uncomfortable and give here a taste of her own medicine!

I will quote a very wise women (my mother), "You can mess with me and you can mess with my husband, but the minute you mess with my kids you better put your gloves on because I am coming out swinging!"

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

i agree w/ detroit--i think she's doing it to get a rise out of you and i think she'll enjoy refuting any reasons you come up with for why it annoys you (for example--"i'm annoyed because the word fat has negative connotations" response: "no it doesn't, that's just your interpretation" or "i didn't mean it that way") oh and she'll probably throw in a "don't be so sensitive" or "you sure are touchy"

bottom line is she is an a**hole. and that's all you have to remember, that this a**hole's comments are completely irrelevant and shouldn't even be given any credence. wish i could think of some good comebacks for you...will post if i do...

oh you know who's good at coming up w/ comebacks to this type of thing? Dizzy--where is she by the way?? Dizzy, we need you!

lynnie · Chanel

she's definitely trying to criticize/annoy you, by using the baby as a way to get under your skin and insult you. I agree with Detroit and the others- meanie!

alb · Marc Jacobs

Thanks everyone for all the responses & support. The thing that bugs me the most is that now she will use that as an excuse to talk bad about me to my MIL, which is probably why she did it intentionally in the first place as Detroit (and others) suggested. I'm sure has already bitched about how I'm too sensitive, etc. I doubt my MIL will stand up for me, which is why I feel I need to give her a reason that is bugs me other than I'm sensitive. I will probably just tell my husband to tell her that we think it's disrespectful and would prefer it is she wouldn't say it in reference to Lucy. Esquiress--you are right--if I say anything she will just refute it. She can't refute what we think, however, so a simple "we think it is disrespectful" or "we prefer not to have our baby described that way" might work.

Farrah--I love your mom's quote! It's exactly how I feel about Lucy and probably why this bugs me so much!

Also, Dizzy (or anyone), please post some comebacks if you see this!

Tati · Chanel

you need to stop her comments NOW. you dont want your daughter growing up and then have your SIL say comments like that in front of her, it will get to your daughter and thats so not okay. What a Bitch!

I have a SIL thats pretty blunt too and she always used to say comments about my son, he was 6 around that time. She used to say "he's so skinny, look at his bony arms." WTF! My kid eats A LOT, he just has a very good metabolism and plays a lot of basketball. My comment back to her was rude, but I shut her up. I told her, " well it sure is better to be skinny then fat". Shes very fat by the way. but whatever, I was pst cuase she wouldn't shut up! so you can either take care of it while your calm and tell her NEVER to say any mean comments about your girl, or one day you'll just snap and shut her up.... believe me when it comes to your kids, you can snap!

Hermes

still - I would not acknowledge - if you respond, no matter what your response is, you're providing material for her and your MIL. I would develop a thick skin and not let her get to you. if you don't you're giving her exactly what she wants. btw - any comeback will be additional material for her no matter how good it is... if you don't take the bait, it will eventually end because there will be nothing in it for her.

alb · Marc Jacobs

detroit wrote:

still - I would not acknowledge - if you respond, no matter what your response is, you're providing material for her and your MIL. I would develop a thick skin and not let her get to you. if you don't you're giving her exactly what she wants. btw - any comeback will be additional material for her no matter how good it is... if you don't take the bait, it will eventually end because there will be nothing in it for her.

You are right, detroit, that's probably exactly what she would do. But if she asks my husband why it bugs me, shouldn't he have some kind of response? Also, other members of huybby's family are kind of like that (i.e. his Dad appallingly said she wasn't much to look at when she was first born, she was 5 wks premature BTW and everyone, even the somewhat arrogant doc that delivered her, said she was cute), so I kind of want to get the message out to all of them. The only one that doesn't say anything negative at all is my MIL ironically. She always has really nice things to say about Lucy's appearance (maybe she's trying to compensate for FIL and SIL).

Anyway, I've coached my husband to use the pronoun "we" instead of "she" when/if SIL asks him about it, but I personally am going to try very hard to take your advice and keep my mouth shut about it!

Sorry to ramble on so much about this--thanks for letting me vent everyone!

Hermes

alb wrote:

Sorry to ramble on so much about this--thanks for letting me vent everyone!

no - you're not rambling - I can't stand passive agressive behavior like that - it makes my blood boil - just as your's is now. the thing is that she knows it is and it's making her happy. If by any chance she does continue to insult your child, and the child is old enough to comprehend, I would ask her why she finds it necessary to insult your child and try to get a reaction from you - call her out on it - if she responds with "I didn't say anything wrong" and "you're overreacting" say no I'm not, but I'm sure you'll understand that saying such things in front of "child" is not healthy and I will not allow you to speak in that way in her presence again.

Anything she says outside of a comprehending child is targeted at you - so it up to you if you let her get the better of you or not.

JMR · Dooney & Bourke

ALB - I just want to say that you are a wonderful mother!!!