STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Metric · Gucci

dating vs family

member · Hermes

Hmm - I don't know. I get along great w/my boyfriend's parents..so much so they treat me like I'm their daughter, so I'm lucky. I'm very close to the bf's mom. He gets along great w/my whole family too and they love him.

Now - on the other hand - my brother married a girl that pretty much my whole family cannot stand. She's very odd, says odd and innapporpriate things all the time..I don't know. She just comes off the wrong way. I wouldn't say anyone hates her, because that's a strong word, but no one really cares for her. I honestly don't know what she thinks of any of us. She acts like she likes us. But we act like we like her for the sake of my brother. It's made for a very uncomfortable situation. My brother and I were always close and we no longer are because of her. Family get togethers aren't the same because she's there and it changes the tone of things...but he seems happy and content w/her.

I don't know what I would do if I didn't get along w/my bf's family or vice versa, but it can make things difficult for sure.

crystal · Kate Spade

well, i have talked to death about this topic because my cousin hated my last bf. she even used the same words "i don't want to be in the same room as him"! she had absolutely no reason (admitted by her) and he had no problem with her. ultimately i stayed w/ him in order to avoid resenting her for making me break up w/ him (and she didn't ask me to break up w/ him) and in the end he broke up w/ me, but my cousin & i still don't talk. she's psycho tho, so this may not be a good example!

does your brother's gf have any reason to dislike you & your mom? you didn't mention one, so i'm just wondering if maybe he's dating my cousin?!?! hehe, j/k. but maybe if there is a reason you can all talk about it. sometimes confronting someone and forcing them to talk about their problem makes it go away. but that only works when the person is rational.

as for what to do if your SO doesn't like your family, they'd be gone in an instant! especially if he didn't like my mom! i have disliked a bf's family (dad mainly) in the past, but i was still nice & never told him. also, it wasn't to the point that i couldn't stand the guy. if that were the case, i wouldn't stay w/ the guy. good luck, hth!

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

My family and my husbands family do NOT get along. My parents and My husband and I strongly strongly dislike his parents. Basically I feel as though, they did not do all they could do for my husband when he was a child and he lived a very under-privledged, sad, pathetic life until he was able to provide for himself and move out of the house at a very young age. They are very selfish people and think they are the smartest people that ever walked the face of the earth. They still dont have much money (or intelliegence and common sense for that matter) and they have a serious inferiority complex towards us and now my family.. as they live in a trailor park and spend their days drinking and wasting their money on frivlous things.

They did not come to our wedding (although invited) and have said some really vicious things about me and my family. They even went as far as to send my husband an anoymous letter before we were married about how he "should get out while he can" and listing some very hurtful things about me and my parents.

The best part is my parents and I have done nothing by nice things for them and they have just driven us away and made us hate them.

Luckily, my husband does not take after them and is the most normal, classy, generous, intelligent person I know. He says on a daily basis what idiots they are. It has actually brought us closer in that we feel that his parents have made us realize that we only have each other. And he pretty much only has one set of parents.. mine.

I dont think its a deal breaker because it isnt for us. It can make for unwanted drama and chaos, but it will never drive a wedge between my husband and I.

Didn't mean to high-jack your thread! But I hope my story shows you an example of how bad it can really be!

splash · Kenneth Cole

This is a hard one! A friend of mine will simply stop dating a girl if his mom gets to know her and doesn't like her. But his mom is an incredible person, and they have a close relationship, similar views, etc. Me, my parents and I are very different in some values, lifestyle, etc, so it's pretty likely that a guy I'd date wouldn't get along well with them, which I have to say scares me a little. Totally didn't answer the question there... I think it makes a relationship difficult, but can def. be overcome.

NCshopper · Hermes

My husband loves my parents and my parents love him as if he were another son, and I wouldn't have married him if that hadn't been the case.

My parents and I are extremely close and I love to spend time with them. And since they live pretty close to us for 6 months out of the year, we spend a lot of time together, so it's important that he likes them and they like him. Plus, my parents' opinions mean a lot to me, so if they didn't like my husband, it would raise some serious red flags for me. My parents are some of the most easy going and non-pretentious people on the planet too, so if a guy didn't get along with them, then that guy would be seriously missing some characteristics that would be essential for me, if that makes sense.

While I knew that I needed my husband and parents to get along well, I had no idea it would work out as well as it has. My husband buys my parents birthday gifts just for fun and loves to cook for them and in return, they like to do nice things for him too.

Sorry this got kinda long. In a nutshell, yes, it would be a deal-breaker if they didn't get along.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

Well, I think there's limits. I don't think it's mandatory that all families and SOs love each other, but respect and courtesy are ABSOLUTELY mandatory. So, that being said, I think your brother's girlfriend is unbelievably out of line, brazencanadian. She is perfectly entitled not to like you and your mother, but she is not entitled to throw hissy fits about it, tell your mother to her face that she doesn't respect her, and she is definitely, DEFINITELY not entitled to try to manipulate your brother and prevent him from spending time with you. No WAY. It's like you said--you don't love your BF's stepmom, but you are respectful and courteous. Anything else is unacceptable. I, personally, would never continue a relationship with someone who treated my family like that; they would be repellent to me. She should behave nicely toward you out of love and respect for your brother, if for no other reason, but I can't imagine she respects him very much if she's trying, whether passively or directly, to interfere in your relationships with him. I think the only possible acceptable reason to be open about your dislike of your SO's family is if, like you were describing, jocey, you think they mistreat or have mistreated your SO.

My boyfriend's brother is not my favorite person on earth, although after being forced to get him so well I now have a fair amount of affection for him; but I've always felt that if he weren't the BF's brother I wouldn't be able to stand him. But I've never said that or even given the slightest inclination of how I feel, because my BF's relationship with his brother is infinitely more important to me than my personal feelings about the brother, and the thought of trying to control or limit their relationship is totally abhorrent. Not to mention, anybody who tried the "your brother is a jerk, why do we have to hang out with him all the time?" line on my BF would get her ass dumped in ten seconds flat, and rightfully so. No one has any right to manipulate their SO like that.

halleybird · Hermes

I used to be really close with my husband's sister. She was like an another little sister to me (she's 2 years younger).

That all changed when she decided to get married at age 20 to a guy she'd known 2 months, and then got pregnant right away. I didn't try to talk her out of it or anything, since it seemed like what she wanted. But ever since she got married, she's been extremely competitive with me and orders the other family members around. She makes snide comments when I am around and puts me down in very subtle ways that, of course, no one else notices. I do like her, but I think she has very low self-confidence.

My husband thinks she's a little kooky, too, but she is his sister, after all. So we have an agreement where I don't have to hang out with her more than once a month or so.

I adore his mom & dad, though -- they are my people!

atlgirl · Gucci

~sigh~ My husband's family is only his sister, and our niece, really...his parents are both gone, and there are some uncles/cousins etc. but they're not really close at all.

Unfortunately, darling SIL is a drama queen and a manipulator, and I really dislike her for that.

Fortunately, they live about 2500 miles from us, so I don't have to put up with her and all the "crises" too often.

OTOH, my brother married a woman who is a snob and another manipulator. Guess there's no accounting for taste, so I lost the SIL lottery twice!

P.S. it's obviously not a dealbreaker, since I have been married for five years. But BC, I agree that your brother's GF is out of line. I sure hope he stands up to her and doesn't let her pull that sh*t around your family.

-- Edited by atlgirl at 00:23, 2005-08-19

Renee · Kenneth Cole

My in-laws disliked me and my mom hated my boyfriend. His parents thought we'd divorce in a couple of years, and my mom said she'll be happy if we divorce

idiots. After 6 years of relationship (4 of marriage), both sets of parents have come around. Even though the parental disapproval was extremely painful for both of us, we didn't split, because we knew we were right for each other. No, it wasn't a deal breaker, but I think it can be. It all depends on your relationship with your parents, your SO's relationship with his parents, your needs, and your ideas on how a relationship should work. I am sure though that close family and friends should not push their loved one towards divorce or separation from his/her SO - this will only cause hurt and resentment, which will not be forgotten even in case of divorce.

Maddie · Coach

This has never been a problem for me. The two guys my parents have met are both nice smart guys and especially so in front of parents. I really don't think my parents would ever have a problem with someone I would date. I like guys who are smart and personable and that's all it really takes for my family. They're pretty easy going. And if they didn't like him, I doubt they'd tell me.

I had one guy whose parents didn't really like me, but it was more that they thought I was weird than they thought I was a bad person. We kinda just joked about it. Although I may have called his mom a cunt on a few occaisons. It really wasn't that big of a deal though.

I'm a really independent person and I'm pretty much only attracted to really independent people (even as friends) so I don't anticipate this ever really being an issue. I could never date a momma's boy or anything.

kenzie · Chanel

I honestly think it's a case-by-case scenario. I think it depends on which family members are involved and how close one is to them.

For example, if my mother loathed someone I was dating, it would be hard for me to marry them, knowing that she disapproved. But my mom is not the type of person who will be snarky to someone, either. I've definitely dated guys that she couldn't stand, but she was always civil and it didn't effect our relationship. On the other hand, if my dad didn't like someone, I would consider his opinion, but I don't see him or talk to him nearly as often as I see my mom so it wouldn't be as bad. I don't have any siblings, so I can't give you any advice from there.

I just think that in this case you need to determine if it bothers you enough to not be with him (which it doesn't sound like it does) and go from there.

Karina · Chanel

If my parents disapproved of anyone I was serious with, it would be a total dealbreaker for me. As far as extended family, like grandparents or cousins, that wouldn't be too big of a deal, but, I am very close with my parents and brothers and would need someone who was cool with that and got along with them as well. My brothers and V go shopping together, the gym, etc, so it's really nice to have that closeness with my spouse and family.

Andrea Julia · Coach

It would depend on why my family didn't like them. If they just didn't like his personality or thought he was weird, I wouldn't listen. The only way I would see anyone in my family not liking a guy is if he did something to hurt me or them. In that case, I wouldn't want to be seeing him anymore in the first place and probably would have dumped him before they could even express their distaste.

I think if you end up in the situation where you and your MIL didn't get along or your husband and your mom didn't get along, everyone should do what they can to be respectful of one another. I think your brother's girlfriend is acting out of line by refusing to see your mother and saying she would never respect her. What exactly happened? Was there a confrontation in the past that led to this?