STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Prissy · Dooney & Bourke

I don't know if a baby is right for me

blubirde · Chanel

Don't sweat it - you've got plenty of time. I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting a baby (whether it's a temporary feeling or not). Of course I've never had a baby and I don't want them - at least for now - so I'm speaking from that pov.

If you're not ready now, why not decide to not worry about it for a year or six months or whatever and revisit the issue later on down the road? Maybe you'll feel differently then.

Elle · Hermes

Honestly, I could have written your post myself. I'm sure many (if not almost all) women feel the way you do about having a baby.

Though I am almost 10 years behind you, I will be in a similar place soon (FH and I have been together almost 9 years, getting married next year and buying a house soon thereafter). I've always thought I wanted kids, but recently had an experience that made me think twice. For me, it's mostly that I'm not done focusing on me yet. Selfish? Absolutely. But having a baby is almost like existing outside your own body - no relaxing, no thinking about yourself, no downtime, on-call 24/7/365. Constantly 'On'. I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that yet, or ever for that matter.

However, having a baby, no matter how ready you think/feel you are, is a huge leap of faith. You can't possibly fathom how hard/tiring/wonderful/fabulous it will be so it is very unknown territory. Entering into unknown territory is downright scary - especially for those of us who tend to think/analyze everything to death.

Another facet in the do I/don't I question is society's role in 'reproductive trends'. Once, nobody really thought about if they wanted kids and/or how many they wanted. Everyone had kids because that just what you did, no questions. Now it's becoming a more socially acceptable choice to not have kids at all. Not that that should be your deciding factor, but you get my drift. I know I have a hard time with it - the idea of choosing not to have children still seems like a foreign concept to some (myself included, sometimes).

All things aside, I can't say I know one person who had a child and then regretted the decision. I'm sure they exist, but they are in a very small minority.

This is getting really long and I'm just rambling on so I'll spare everyone. Just wanted to commiserate a little (ahem, alot).

JMR · Dooney & Bourke

Prissy - I totally felt the way you did - prior to getting married my husband told me he was ready for kids sooner than later - I just wasn't. I don't know why - or what it was I just couldn't picture.

Soon after we got married - something just clicked. I started having dreams that I was a mom and when I woke up and realized it wasn't true - I would be so sad. I started reading a lot and embracing my curiosity - and here I am now 8+ months pregnant - but last year at this time I would have laughed at you if you told me I'd be pregnant now.

Don't rush it - and don't force it. It will find you one day - and if it doesn't - you aren't a bad person - we are all different. You have to do what is comfortable for you. 30 is still young - you have plenty of time!

bex · Chanel

JMR wrote:

Prissy - I totally felt the way you did - prior to getting married my husband told me he was ready for kids sooner than later - I just wasn't. I don't know why - or what it was I just couldn't picture. Soon after we got married - something just clicked. I started having dreams that I was a mom and when I woke up and realized it wasn't true - I would be so sad. I started reading a lot and embracing my curiosity - and here I am now 8+ months pregnant - but last year at this time I would have laughed at you if you told me I'd be pregnant now. Don't rush it - and don't force it. It will find you one day - and if it doesn't - you aren't a bad person - we are all different. You have to do what is comfortable for you. 30 is still young - you have plenty of time!

JMR- you couldn't have said it better.

Prissy: I feel the exact same way that you do! i have no desire to be a mother. if a doctor told me tomorrow that i couldn't ever have children- i would be completely fine with it where some of my friends say that they feel like they would have lost a HUGE part of their life if that happened to them.

Escrime · Kate Spade

JMR wrote:

Don't rush it - and don't force it. It will find you one day - and if it doesn't - you aren't a bad person - we are all different. You have to do what is comfortable for you. 30 is still young - you have plenty of time!

JMR hit it right on the head.

I USED to want to be a mother. Growing up, I wanted kids. As I got older, I realized that I do not want to have children, for various reasons. My husband feels the same way. It doesn't make me a flakey or bad person. It just is part of who I am. It's a personal choice everyone has to make. There's no right or wrong answer that anyone can give you. You just have to do what's right for you.

laken1 · Hermes

I have made the decision not to do it, so maybe I'm not the one to comment. I really love my nieces & everyone told me that when they were born, i'd want a baby. Then everyone told me i'd feel different when I was 30. But I never did (as a matter of fact, I got a divorce!). My mom finally told me that when I was ready I'd know. Well, I know i'm not ready & I think I never will be & I'm ok with that.

I hate to say it, but I really think I'm just too selfish. I was a step parent and I KNOW it's not the same thing, but it did expose me to the realities of raising kids, not just the romance of a baby (I think I & many other people want a BABY, if that makes sense). I think it's more selfish for me to have a baby because I think other people expect me to, but then to resent it than to just admit I'm too selfish to do it! I want to travel & my husband & I love our time together - I just don't want to share that. I will also say what other women won't - to be honest I don't think I'd want to share my husband's time with a child. I don't think I'd want either of us to have to give up the relationship that we have now to properly care for a child.

Do I sound shallow & horrible? Gosh I hope not, but at least I'm honest about it! I just know too many women who do resent some of the sacrifices they have to make to be a mother & I don't want to be one of those people. I'd want to truly ACHE to be a parent in order to do it. And I don't ache, so I'm not doing it! LOL

Keep in mind that at 30 you still have plenty of time & when you are ready, you will know. And if you don't ever get ready, search "childless by choice" and there are about a million sites out there that will make you feel better about deciding not to do it.

Hermes

I think you need to take "selfish" out of the childfree equation. I personally feel many people are selfish in their motivations to have a child - most people I have encountered have children for self fulfilling reasons, i.e. someone who will take care of them when they get older, as an accomplishment or trophy, just because that's what you're supposed to do (societal/family expectations), someone to love that will love you back, a child that acts as a second chance success for the parent (stage mom, sports father): all self fulfilling motivations. I don't think I've ever heard anyone say "I want to have a baby as a product of my love for my mate, to be able to share our love with the child and nurture it to be a happy person."

-- Edited by detroit at 13:15, 2005-08-19

laken1 · Hermes

detroit wrote:

I think you need to take "selfish" out of the childfree equation. I personally feel it's selfish to have a child - most people I have encountered have children for self fulfilling reasons, i.e. someone who will take care of them when they get older, as an accomplishment or trophy, just because that's what you're supposed to do (societal/family expectations), someone to love that will love you back, a child that acts as a second chance success for the parent (stage mom, sports father): all self fulfilling motivations. I don't think I've ever heard anyone say "I want to have a baby as a product of my love for my mate, to be able to share our love with the child and nurture it to be a happy person." -- Edited by detroit at 19:52, 2005-08-15

OMG detroit, that is brillant. And exactly what I mean. I feel that if i did it i think it would be for my parents or my sister, not for me. Can I please quote you on this for the rest of my childless days, please? I promise I'll give you credit by starting the statement with "a wise woman I know once said....." LOL

What I mean is I acknowledge my "selfish" reasons & think that it's good to admit them as opposed to the people that I always thought were doing it for selfish reasons that you stated above in your post (along with other reasons). Your statement is just pure brillance. That's all I can say about it.

-- Edited by laken1 at 21:02, 2005-08-15

-- Edited by laken1 at 21:04, 2005-08-15

Hermes

laken1 wrote:

detroit wrote: I think you need to take "selfish" out of the childfree equation. I personally feel it's selfish to have a child - most people I have encountered have children for self fulfilling reasons, i.e. someone who will take care of them when they get older, as an accomplishment or trophy, just because that's what you're supposed to do (societal/family expectations), someone to love that will love you back, a child that acts as a second chance success for the parent (stage mom, sports father): all self fulfilling motivations. I don't think I've ever heard anyone say "I want to have a baby as a product of my love for my mate, to be able to share our love with the child and nurture it to be a happy person." -- Edited by detroit at 19:52, 2005-08-15 OMG detroit, that is brillant. And exactly what I mean. I feel that if i did it i think it would be for my parents or my sister, not for me. Can I please quote you on this for the rest of my childless days, please? I promise I'll give you credit by starting the statement with "a wise woman I know once said....." LOL What I mean is I'm too selfish to do it as opposed to the people that I always thought were doing it for selfish reasons that you stated above. Your statement is just pure brillance. That's all I can say about it. -- Edited by laken1 at 21:02, 2005-08-15

wow - thanks! I don't really think it's brilliance, it's more a product of having given the subject a lot of objective thought in my own consideration of whether having a child was right for me or not. One of my pet peeves is being called "selfish" for choosing to not have children. I am not against other people having children, I just too often see people having children for selfish reasons. I have seen too many instances of adversely socially and emotionally affected children from the environment their parents provide. I guess if you're going to have a child do it to produce a happy child, not for yourself.

sure you can quote this - and you don't even need to give me credit!

MissMee · Kate Spade

Don't feel bad if you don't feel like the time is "right" for you. If you don't feel right, then for God's sake don't try to do it! Babies are wonderful, adorable, heart-warming little creatures; but they are also little satans wrapped up in a soft, cute little facade. Babies definitely don't solve any problems. I love all of my little ones with all my heart and was ready for every single one of them; but there are still days when I wish I could have back those days of not having to worry about all the crap that goes along w/ them (what to feed them, changing diapers, packing all the stuff just to go to the mall, temper tantrums, messes, toys everywhere, broken stuff, etc.). I don't think that anyone who DOESN'T want kids is selfish (unless they self-profess that they don't want kids because they ARE selfish.....). It's a lot of work and worry!

Truthfully, you probably will know when you're ready. And, hey, if you don't ever get that feeling, then maybe it's just not for you. But you should evaluate why/why not before you set anything in stone, because either decision could cause major troubles w/ you and your husband. I can't imagine not wanting to have kids at some point, but it's definitely not a job for everyone! And I definitely don't think I'm selfish for having children! It WOULD be selfish if I couldn't afford them and left it up to society to pay for them while I got a free ride.

-- Edited by MissMee at 08:18, 2005-08-16

Sunshinegirl · Kate Spade

I love children but have not a clue whether i want to be a mom or not and i'm 37. I guess i feel i have atleast another five years to make that decision (if we want to have our own). I have a 11 year old stepdaughter and sometimes i think that is enough responsibility.

Sometimes i think that i'm too frightened to bring a child into this world. I worry enough about the well-being of my pets; i cannot imagine worrying about a child.

atlgirl · Gucci

Wow, Sunshinegirl, I could have written that post. I feel the same way - I am a huge worrier and wouldn't want to drive my kid/husband/self nuts with freaking out about what might happen to my child.

Also I'm 37 as well. The only reason I'm even on the fence is that my husband has said he's "okay" with not having kids, but I know he'd be open to it if I changed my mind. I've just never felt the desire to have a baby...well, the idea of kids is nice, sort of, but I worry about the reality of it. I'd hate to resent any children I might have.

It's funny - I have friends who just loooooove their babies and then others (whose children are older) who don't seem as happy. They seem like I am afraid I might be - irritated or annoyed by their children. I know one person (a man) who told me, "I don't really like my children. I just tolerate them" (his kids are around 10-12 y/o.

I have a 42 y/o girlfriend who said, "I just kept waiting for the maternal instinct to kick in...well, it never did." *s* That's kind of how I feel. But then I see how my husband enjoys playing with everyone else's two-year-olds... *sigh*

Prissy · Dooney & Bourke

Ladies thank you all so much for your helpful thoughts. They actually brought a tear to my eye to know that I am not in this boat alone and that you understood where I am in my life. It's so nice to be able to share my thoughts with you and you all be so helpful. You are all really great ladies. Thanks again.

blink · Coach

I used to think sort of similarly to you, it feels like just yesterday! I had a baby last year and I am about to turn 30. But at the same time, I always knew I did want kids "someday" and so my husband and I finally just said, "ok, we are mature enough to handle it, so let's just quit being careful and if it happens, it happens." We weren't "trying" but we weren't trying not to either. We ignored my cycle for about a year, and then one day I just got pregnant and I was totally ok with it....though not overjoyed yet, I was happy and a little scared. Hormones kicked in, I started imagining what my baby would be like, by the time I was due, I was very excited and sentimental about it. Plus you are sick of bring pregnant by then. Then right after birth, I actually missed being pregnant...haha.

And when my son was born, all that heavy emotion I thought I felt before was surpassed by the immense love I felt immediately after giving birth. It's the greatest and I truly don't know why I didn't have kids earlier. Of course, it's nice to be financially stable, but when you love a baby so much, all that material worry kind of works itself out if you are mature and nurturing.

Two years ago, I was just a completely different person! Life changes constantly and then it ends, but babies are one of the best reasons to change.

dc · Dooney & Bourke

I pretty much echo Detroit. Not like I am even close to being in a position to make this choice, anyway, but I have never really had that maternal impulse and often find myself so glad I don't have children. And I am not going to lie - I don't want to be pregnant or anything that goes with it. I really, really do not want to breastfeed (and in today's world, people act like you're a bad mother if you don't). I don't want any of those physical things. And financially and in terms of places I want to go and things I want to do... I just have other priorities and there is no baby in there.

I don't know if it's different if you're in love and blah blah blah (I never have been) but I do know that I would be sort of relieved if I physically couldn't have children, because I am concerned that the person I end up with - if I find him - might be the kids type. I guess we'll see. I am 34... by the time I am in a relationship and things have moved that far - IF I ever am - the point might be moot anyway.

I know I sound cold, but I do love the babies in my life - my nephew is so dear to me that it almost breaks my heart. And I have been trying to be there for "beep" and her twins as much as I can and I adore them as well. Such precious little babes. And I am a very nurturing & generous person, so people seemed surprised when I tell them this. But I just really think I might resent having a baby myself - the late nights, the stretch marks, the crying, the diapers, the expense.... no thank you.

kealoha · Kate Spade

Prissy, you're not alone. I'm 32 & happily single, w/no desire to have kids.

A few years ago, I had to watch my cousin's girls for 2 days while he & his wife were having their baby. I had to worry about meals, baths, homework & most of all, transporting them to & from my house to their respective schools & how it worked w/my work schedule. It was a wake-up call that I wasn't prepared for. As much as I love them, I honestly loved giving them back more than anything.

Don't worry about what everyone else is doing or thinking b/c the only people who matter are you & your husband. You've got lots of time.

jen · Kate Spade

Okay, you've opened up a can of worms for me because you could not pay me to have a kid or ever be with child. I really get disguisted by the thought of a little person living in me and feeding off of me. So I wouldn't like that. And then kids poop themselves and smell and pick their nose-so I wouldn't like that either. But these reasons are personal.

The thing that bothers me is this: When I tell people I don't want kids they say "Oh, I was just like you, I didn't want kids but then I changed my mind. You'll change your mind Jen!"

Umm, okay. When people tell me that they want kids I don't tell them that they'll change their mind! I read in some mag before that a woman in her 20's wanted to get her tubes tied and the doctor insisted on a psychological evalution-he thought she was crazy! Okay, do you need that same evaluation to have a child in your 20's? No! It's such a messed up system! I want to volunteer and travel and write and live a life as a productive human being. I don't however want to be running to meijer for crayons at 10 pm or driving a screaming kid to baseball practice in my mini van.

This post is not intended offend. If you have a mini van, more power to ya-but for me, that is not a life I would like to have. Prissy, society puts pressure on you to reproduce, after you marry, the question is 'when are you going to have kids?' People always assume that you will want kids but do not do it if it doesn't feel right. I think everyone here could agree that they would rather have a child not be born than to have a child be born to a mother that doesn't want it. Please don't feel bad or different because you don't have that need for a child. Good luck with everything!

itsapinkthing · Coach

Ok so now I feel compelled to chime in…

I am a parent. Lucky enough to be headed towards two times around. And I have a few different perspectives. But they are solely based on my experiences and myself…

When I had my daughter 6 years ago at the age of 24 I did it because I wanted a baby. I was divorced for almost 2 years and dating someone exclusively for more than a year of that time. I knew it was not the best time to have a child but I wanted to be a parent. Somewhat like Detroit said, someone to love to love me back. Although at the time I did not feel this was a “selfish” reason to have a child. When my daughter was born I realized there was no greater love in the world than that which I shared with my child. She became my world and everything I did was to care for and love and protect her. Unfortunately I did not realize what a bad situation I brought her into with the relationship I had with her father until later. When she was 2 he and I separated.

I lived for a year and a half as a single parent. My daughter became my greatest priority, and my highest joy. It was wonderful to share so much with her. I got to realize the joy and pride one feels when you child wants to emulate you. And this made me strive to be the best person I could. I do not think that was selfish, to take pride in my child holding me high, I felt I was lucky.

6 months later I met a wonderful man, my husband. He made me feel as good as my daughter did. I grew to love him very much. I watched him with my daughter and thought how lucky she and I were to have him in our life. We got married. He was the best father I could ever have hope for for my daughter. Even my father thought so, which is saying a lot. In the time after our marriage I realized how much of a good father he made. How happy I was to have my family, and how much I loved being a parent. Then I wanted another baby. To extend that love, to grow my family, to give my daughter the love of a sibling and my husband the joys of watching an infant develop. Though my circumstance is different this time around, I will always feel my children are and extension of my love and myself. Sure they are a challenge at times, after all aren’t all relationships.

In the end wanting to have children is a personal and dynamic decision. Whether you are sure you want them from the start, or grow into it. Or you decided your life is full without them. It’s the choices that make our world so much more fun to live in.

-- Edited by itsapinkthing at 16:04, 2005-08-17

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

itsapinkthing, thank you so much. your story brought tears to my eyes! let me chime in with my feeliings on it all:

i've always wanted children, specifically a daughter. i don't know why, but there's never ever been a question in my mind about it. i've been picking out names for my hypothetical daughter since i was 13--no joke. for a while, i kept a diary of all the things i'd want to tell her and i wanted to memorialize my feelings so that when she was 10, or 15 or 20 or whatever, i could read my diary to remember how i felt at that age. and i kind of live my life so that if and when my daughter asks me about the choices i made, i'll be able answer honestly and be a good example. i sometimes daydream about how i'll raise her, from little things like what she'll wear to big things like what answers i'll give to really tough questions.

i don't know if i'll ever have a child since it's not really up to me, you know? who knows if i'll meet someone i want to have a child with? or if i'll be young enough by the time that happens for it to be a possibility? i guess only time will tell. if i'm not blessed with a child, i know that i can still have a fulfilling life...but...a part of me will probably always mourn her absence.