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itsapinkthing · Coach

RE: I don't know if a baby is right for me

splash · Kenneth Cole

I hadn't read all the way through this thread when I posted - nvm.

I guess I never questioned the fact that I'd get married and then have kids - I can't really see my life another way. But in the same way, it makes sense to me that some people wouldn't see themselves having kids - they're equally valid feelings, though unfortunately not having kids doesn't match the societal image and so is more often questioned.

-- Edited by splash at 20:51, 2005-08-19

Andrea Julia · Coach

Prissy wrote:

I have been struggling a lot lately with the thought of having a baby. I'm 30 years old and have been married for 5 1/2 years. I have a great marriage and my husband and I are financially stable. I know my husband and I would be great parents but I don't really have the desire to get pregnant and raise a child right now. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I hear some of my friends say how they know they want to be a Mom but I don't have that desire. I don't mind baby's but I do hate baby showers I must say. I love my 10 month old niece dearly and I love to baby-sit her but I don't know if I could do it full time. Then in turn I wonder if I am one of those people who would get pregnant and then wonder why I waited so long. I really hate the unknown and I am way to analytical. Maybe I should not think about it so much. It breaks my heart though b/c I know my hubby would love a baby. He's so wonderful to me though and understands where I am. I just wish I new for certain what I should do. Maybe I'm just a flake and self centered. I don't know b/c somedays I want it and some I don't. Thanks for listening.

I feel the same way as you. Not that I even have the option of having a child right now, but I know what you mean about wondering if you would be one of those people who get pregnant and wonder why they waited so long. I mean, have you ever heard someone say, "I really wish I didn't have that baby?" I haven't. Everyone I know, whether it was planned or accidental, is completely happy to be a mom once they are a mom. I'm even talking about women who thought of having an abortion when they first found out and girls that got pregnant in high school. No matter what they missed out on and how hard it has been, none of them would trade the parenting experience for anything. So, there might be something to that thought. I'm just being analytical as well. I don't really know if I want children either. I just think if it were to happen, everything would be fine.

I can't decide if I want a child. I definitely don't want multiple children. When I leave my one friend's house who has one baby, sometimes I leave there glad it's not me and sometimes I leave wishing I could have a baby. Whenever I'm around a family with multiple children, I'm always like GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW! I also think I would have to give up my life completely if I had 2 or more children. My whole life would be taking care of them and driving them places when they are older. I would never have any "me time" and we would be less likely to be able to go on vacations and even just go to the movies or to dinner. I feel that with one child, you can be a mommy but still be you. You can still have some time to do things you enjoy while having plenty of time to spend with the child. You can also easily bring the child with you places. One just sounds good to me, but I always have to hear "if you have one, you should have another one, too, so he/she has someone to play with." Oh yeah, just have one more child, no biggie. As if having 2 children is not completely different than having 1 child! My child can play with the 8000 children my friends plan on having. I don't know; maybe this is selfish, but you only live once so you should be able to choose if and how many children you want.

honey · Gucci

it's such a tough decision. i agree with aj, i think most people who have children don't regret the decision, but it is a lifelong commitment and seems like such a daunting task. (i will go out on a limb and say this, while i don't think people regret having children i think whatever "regrets" they have often become manifest in the things they push their children to achieve.) plus i think our society makes it so difficult, if you have a child it limits your options. not that you can't accomplish things in life, but it makes it much more difficult and the lack of societal infrastructure like free day care and virtually no vacation time at most jobs makes it difficult for a professional woman with child(ren) to advance as fast as her male counterparts. and if you're someone who values her career that's a tough pill to swallow. society also places so much pressure on moms to do it all. even in today's "modern" society most women are expected to run the house and hold down a career. stay at home dads are still a novelty, and how many men really take days off work to care for a sick child.

at the same time, if you don't want kids people act like your some sort of weirdo or childhater, which is totally not true (this is said as a general comment not in reference to specific posts). i *love* children and spend a substantial portion of my free time working with them. the strange thing is that has made me less inclined to want children (i used to really want them) b/c i realize how important it is to be a good parent. (we've all seen the products of bad parenting) you have to provide so much (financially and emotionally) and some people aren't able to do that (whether they realize it beforehand is the real question).

also there's the assumption that life is not as fulfilling if you don't have kids -- even more so if you don't have your own children. i actually find it quite interesting that in this whole thread not one person (i think) has mentioned adoption -- which is a completely viable option. this is actually becoming more and more of a pet issue of mine since (spurred by a recent solicitation of my eggs). there are so many children out there who need loving homes, and they don't get them. and that breaks my heart.

lynnie · Chanel

I agree with honey and a lot of the things said. I'm not really offended by any of the posts because I don't think of it as an issue like in politics- where someone truly believes their side is right and everyone else is just wrong =) yea there are the norms- but as you can see, there are people that want children, that don't want them, and that are unsure. I've always assumed I'd have children eventually, but I know the time is not right and i'm not going to rush it. I have a lot of time left, and I agree that it seems daunting and scary at my young age- yes, now I don't want the stretch marks and wouldn't want to buy strollers- but like said, i'm sure that will be the last thing on my mind when I want to bring a baby in the world. I was 10 when my baby brother was born (now he's 12) and I loved every minute of it. It's like he's my kid- I can stare at pictures of him when he was a kid for hours- I think he was seriously the cutest kid to walk this earth. I tear up just thinking about all the things that I should have more fully appreciated- they don't stay little forever (don't take this the wrong way- I still love him of course and now we just give each other a hard time- he's quite sharp and clever

). Just watching him smile, cry (second b-day) when he saw his bday cake on the table but couldn't eat it for a few hours- then stick his head in it when my mom FINALLY just set the cake in front of him out of desperation, everything- it made me realize that having a baby (or a little brother

) is a lot more of the good times then when you are holding a crying baby for a few minutes. You really get to grow with them, and share in all of their wonderful experiences. You can play catch with them, and read them wonderful stories. I've never liked another baby as much as I loved my brother- and I'm sure, my own child. Of course, I wasn't the mom, so I didn't have to do the brunt of the labor, but i'm sure my mom would say the exact same thing

I don't coo when I see a baby- I think they're cute and then walk away. No strong desire to have a baby or to run away, I just think, aww. That's all. I'm assuming if I want to have children, i'll know when the timing is right. I don't think anyone should feel bad about their decision as long as they know it is right for them.