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kenzie


Chanel

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Ugh. I spoke too soon. (very long)
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So, my bf has, yet again, turned into The Asshole. Let's discuss this weekend, shall we? 


Scenario #1:


The bf went to his friend's house (who lives over an hour away, so he spent the night there). I was planning to go to my mom's for the night to see her for my birthday. Fine, whatever.  At midnight, I get a drunken phone call from the bf whining about missing me and loving me (whatever, you're drunk, go sleep it off).  Then, he tells me that he just got kicked out the bar he was at for picking a fight. And guess who he picked a fight with?  Donavan McNabb! Yes, that's right, folks, the quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles.  How. embarassing.  He got kicked out of the bar for picking a fight with the Eagles.  Fabulous. 


But it isn't over at that. He then proceeds to pick a fight with me.  He tells me that I'm not at my mom's house, but I'm probably out partying with my friends and cheating on him. Oh, and he just *knows* that when I'm online, I'm getting im's from all these guys and I'm cheating on him.  Right.  The only people who can im are people who are on my buddy list. I don't accept random im's.  And I'm certainly not cheating on him.


I told him to go to bed and I would see him tomorrow.


Scenario #2:


It's tomorrow.  We had plans to go to the movies in the evening.  I drove all the way back from my mom's house (who lives more than an hour away) b/c we were planning on going to the movies.  I got home around 6. The bf is nowhere to be found and is not answering his phone.  He finally manages to call me back at 8:30.  I ask him where he is and say that I've been trying to get a hold of him.  He says that he's on his way to a bar with his brother.  I ask him what he's doing, b/c we had plans. And he says, "well, yeah, we did, but my brother called..." At that point, I hung up on him. 


When I called back later, he had turned his phone off (of course), so I left a message telling him that I was really hurt by the fact that we had plans and he ditched me, especially after I had driven back from my mom's house.  I told him that I thought that it was very rude of him to make me wait until 8:30 to tell me that he had changed his plans. By that time, all my friends were already out. So, I drove back to my mom's house (again). 


At 2pm, I get another drunken phone calling. He starts telling me that I'm 'f*#&ing with him' and that my message was really messed up.  And then he starts accusing me of cheating on him again.  We had a screaming match for about 20 minutes on the phone as he kept accusing me of all this ridiculous stuff.  Then he called back a few minutes later and started yelling at me again.  I told him that I was sick of him being drunk like this every weekend and I'm sick of him acting like a child.  And he was like, I'm not a child, I own a house and make a lot of money. Whatever, your parents do your grocery shopping, laundry and clean and maintain your house. You're a child.  It's time to grow up. 


Then, I said something to him about getting into a fight with Donavan McNabb.  I asked him who the hell he thought he was to pick a fight with him.  He replies (and I quote), 'I'm J-- F-----, I'm a superstar.' WTF!????!!!!


At that point, I got off the phone and went back to sleep.   I'm still at my mom's house, so we'll see how the idiot acts when I get home today.


I can't believe that I managed to find idiots like this all the time. Where are all the decent guys? 


 


 



-- Edited by NylaBelle at 10:38, 2005-08-14

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blubirde


Chanel

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How horrible, Nylabelle!!

I, in NO way, can answer the question about why you meet all the idiots. I don't think it's you. I think it's just the odds. Most men are idiots so it just figures you'll meet a few of them.

Does this fight have any long term ramifications?

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Tati


Chanel

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I'm sorry. What a punk ass! do you guys live together? I'm sure that makes it harder...........


 



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kenzie


Chanel

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Tati, yes we live together, but only for one more month.  He's moving an hour away and I'm moving in with some friends.


blubirde, I have no idea what I'm going to do.  I feel like he doesn't want me to have friends. He gets mad at me if I go out with them. It's as if he wants me to sit at home and wait for him while he goes out and acts like a drunk teenager. I'm not speaking to him right now, b/c quite honestly, I have nothing to say.  But I can tell you that I'm pissed as hell at him.



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gypsyfreak


Coach

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I'm so sorry that you had to go through that NylaBelle. What a horrible weekend for you. You're right, he is being an asshole. Hopefully, he'll come to his senses and make it up to you.


Also, why would he think you're cheating? Does he not trust you or something? 



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kenzie


Chanel

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gypsyfreak wrote:

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that NylaBelle. What a horrible weekend for you. You're right, he is being an asshole. Hopefully, he'll come to his senses and make it up to you. Also, why would he think you're cheating? Does he not trust you or something? 

gypsyfreak, I have no idea why he thinks I'm cheating on him.  I've never given him any reason to think that.  He thinks that everytime someone im's me, that it's some guy that I'm cheating on him with, which is ridiculous! I im a lot of my friends. There is no guy!!!


But it seriously doesn't end. We just got into a huge fight about money.  He bleeds me dry for rent and utilities every single paycheck. My whole paycheck goes to him, basically. I've been eating one meal a day recently to conserve my food.  He isn't cutting me a break at all with rent and utilities even though he sees how much I'm struggling.  He's an ass. I think I'm starting to hate him.



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laken1


Hermes

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I really really hate to be the one to say this because I don't always comment on your fights / situations, but this one struck a nerve & I have to say it....

Most of the time people that accuse you of doing something, like cheating on them are doing so because they are internalizing guilty feelings of their own. Is it possible he is freaked out & sure that you are cheating on him because he has it in him to do the same & he is just projecting that onto you? I'm not saying that he is, I'm saying that if that is his focus I would wonder why....



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lynnie


Chanel

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well, funny how the same things kind of happened to me this weekend with my bf.  He got in a fight at a bar and got kicked out (because the bouncer was being a punk-ass to his friend, different) and his friend called even though we had plans and he went out with him (it was his best friends bday and they live far away now, but were both in the same town) while I was at home an hour away, so I drove back an hour and he never called me to tell me he had changed plans!  I had bought champagne and everything, and he didn't get home til 3am! Ugh, I was furious.  He DEFINITELY should have called before he left.  But I wouldn't consider my bf a bad bf by any stretch, and sometimes people, all people, do things that dissappoint us. 


However, as an excuse, that can be stretched infinitely, and shouldn't be.  Your bf disappoints you a lot, bleeds you dry on rent instead of cutting you a break because he loves you, and you are starting to hate him.  He wants to sit at home all the time, which is the sign of someone very posessive and controlling.  He isn't confident in your relationship and always thinks you're cheating.  harsh words but as my friend says, Drop the zero and get with the hero.  You deserve better!  It might be a positive influence in your life and force you to make some life changes- maybe throwing yourself into your acting/jewelry career because you have so much more free time and creative energy to burn.  You could be happier, concentrating on improving your own life, and will find an awesome, handsome, talented, confident guy that will help you out when you're in a tight spot!  What he's doing with rent is killing me!  That is so mean, why don't you share percentage wise (40/60 whatever, depending on salary) if he has such a great career and makes so much money.



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kenzie


Chanel

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laken1 wrote:

I really really hate to be the one to say this because I don't always comment on your fights / situations, but this one struck a nerve & I have to say it.... Most of the time people that accuse you of doing something, like cheating on them are doing so because they are internalizing guilty feelings of their own. Is it possible he is freaked out & sure that you are cheating on him because he has it in him to do the same & he is just projecting that onto you? I'm not saying that he is, I'm saying that if that is his focus I would wonder why....

That's what I said to him.  I asked him if he was so paranoid about me b/c he's the one who's actually doing it.  I've had guys cheat on me before (actually, every guy I've dated, with one exception) and he doesn't really act like any of them did, so I'm not sure....


I just can't wait to moved out from under the same roof as him.


lynnie, as far as the rent, he's just a freaking tightwad.  We've actually been getting icecream at Dairy Queen and he made me pay him back $1 if I was short.  He nickel and dimes me to death!



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dc


Dooney & Bourke

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Christie, sweetie..... (tough love ahead)

I am really sorry to hear that he continues this bullshit. Honestly, this is a baby, not a man. Grown men do not behave this way and all men are not like this. Men do not suck, just certain men.

I just get so sad and frustrated reading your posts sometimes. The one you posted that was supposed to be an example of how sweet he is was just an example of nice and acceptable behavior, the sort of thing that should be the rule rather than the exception. YOU DESERVE to be treated like that at all time, if you think you deserve it. Do you deserve this other behavior or a guy who respects you and treats you right? Because constantly getting boozed up and accusing you of cheating is not respectful.

Please, please, please ask yourself is your life IS TRULY BETTER WITH THIS PERSON IN IT. It is not so bad to be alone. Having no boyfriend is better than having one who is an infantile jerk. You have so much to offer - beauty, talent, kindness, intelligence.... this guy should be thanking his lucky stars (clearly he knows that others would find you desireable). You need to ask yourself why you'd waste all of your wonderfulness on somebody who makes you so upset basically every week.

I have a soft heart when it comes to men too, so I DO understand where you're coming from. But the bottom line of if you're better off with or without the person should be the dealbreaker. I can't see that the good outweighs the angst here. I just add up everything you've shared abt him, and this guy is just a mess. You deserve better, that's all I can say. What on earth can this guy possibly be bringing to the table that would make this worth it? Actually, this type of stuff is unacceptable (especially in a grown man outside the frathouse) even if he behaves like Prince Charming the rest of the time, but it's your decision. Please think hard.

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esquiress


Marc Jacobs

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i've been weighing whether i should weigh in on this or not because i kind of have a different pov on it all...here goes nothing:


when you post about what a jerk he is, i question your reaction to it.  you've mentioned more than once that you've gotten into screaming matches with him, and his friends.  and i basically have one question for you:  do you want to be that girl who gets into screaming matches with her boyfriend and his friends?


i wouldn't.  i would want to be with a person who brings out the best in me, not the worst.


when i was in college my friend and i would bring out the worst in each other when we fought.  seriously we'd say the meanest things to each other sometimes.  it took some time and work on both our parts but we don't do that anymore.  i didn't want to be that girl anymore.  and neither did she.  we're so much better now and i really think it's because we both took a good hard look inside and admitted where we were both wrong and worked to change it.


i guess my advice is to really really examine who you are right now.  who you are with him.  who you are with your job.  who you are in general.  just really ask yourself:  are you being the best nylabelle you can be right now?  and if not, what can you do to change that?



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sfcaligirl


Dooney & Bourke

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esquiress wrote:

i've been weighing whether i should weigh in on this or not because i kind of have a different pov on it all...here goes nothing: when you post about what a jerk he is, i question your reaction to it.  you've mentioned more than once that you've gotten into screaming matches with him, and his friends.  and i basically have one question for you:  do you want to be that girl who gets into screaming matches with her boyfriend and his friends? i wouldn't.  i would want to be with a person who brings out the best in me, not the worst. when i was in college my friend and i would bring out the worst in each other when we fought.  seriously we'd say the meanest things to each other sometimes.  it took some time and work on both our parts but we don't do that anymore.  i didn't want to be that girl anymore.  and neither did she.  we're so much better now and i really think it's because we both took a good hard look inside and admitted where we were both wrong and worked to change it. i guess my advice is to really really examine who you are right now.  who you are with him.  who you are with your job.  who you are in general.  just really ask yourself:  are you being the best nylabelle you can be right now?  and if not, what can you do to change that?

this is excellent advice (how could it not be?  it's from esquiress!  she's genius).  nylabelle, i think you need to take a step back and think about whether or not you want to be with somebody who makes you unhappy.  he is obviously not going to change.  these are the same problems you've described in the past.  only you can break the pattern...


good luck!



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cat


Marc Jacobs

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Nylabelle I am so sorry he treated you like that.Reading your post brought back memories of my ex. He would go out and get drunk and them call me up on the phone just to yell at me. He would cancel our plans last minute, and when you mentoined in your post that he said your message was really messed up.I had a flashback of my ex grabing my arms and shoving me saying to me everything you do is really messed up.


Nylabelle I don't know you and I am not in your situation,but once you move out I would cut all ties with him.It really is the best thing you can do for yourself.You seem like a very bright and  wonderful person. You don't need him to bring you down. I know I have been there.Hang in there (hugs).



-- Edited by cat at 05:59, 2005-08-15

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kenzie


Chanel

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esquiress wrote:

i've been weighing whether i should weigh in on this or not because i kind of have a different pov on it all...here goes nothing: when you post about what a jerk he is, i question your reaction to it.  you've mentioned more than once that you've gotten into screaming matches with him, and his friends.  and i basically have one question for you:  do you want to be that girl who gets into screaming matches with her boyfriend and his friends? i wouldn't.  i would want to be with a person who brings out the best in me, not the worst. when i was in college my friend and i would bring out the worst in each other when we fought.  seriously we'd say the meanest things to each other sometimes.  it took some time and work on both our parts but we don't do that anymore.  i didn't want to be that girl anymore.  and neither did she.  we're so much better now and i really think it's because we both took a good hard look inside and admitted where we were both wrong and worked to change it. i guess my advice is to really really examine who you are right now.  who you are with him.  who you are with your job.  who you are in general.  just really ask yourself:  are you being the best nylabelle you can be right now?  and if not, what can you do to change that?

Yes, this is true.  I am not the type of person to yell at someone.  It's a rare occasion that I do and it only comes when provoked repeatedly (ie, called a whore, slut, bitch, ect by the bf's friends, who by the way, he doesn't really talk to anymore--finally).  I don't usually say nasty, spiteful things, though. I just raise my voice if I feel my point isn't getting across.  I always make an effort not to say things that I'll regret later.


But anyway, I can't say that I'm the best person that I could be right now. I battle with depression b/c of my job (and financial situation as a result of the job) and I constantly question things with the bf.  It's hard b/c we do live in the same house, but after next month we won't be, so I think things will be easier for me then. 


I may look into moving to a new city (I've always wanted to bust out of PA, I'm not a fan). I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point.


 


 



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Bastet


Kate Spade

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I agree w/ laken1's assessment of his cheating paranoia.  I've btdt when it comes to the paranoid accusations of cheating. Even if he isn't cheating on you, you don't need that kind of emotional abuse. 


It seems like your bf has some serious insecurities and control issues.  Combined with his drunk frat boy behavior, it makes him sound like a jackass without any redeeming qualities. If you're harboring a lot of resentment towards him, and you are seriously looking forward to not living with him any more, maybe you should kick him to the curb when you move out.  Clearly he isn't treating you like you deserve to be treated. You deserve someone better. 


 



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NCshopper


Hermes

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I understand that you guys live together and all, which presents a certain amount of problems when these types of arguments come up, but besides the fact that you live together, why are you still with him?  After you guys no longer live together, do you think you're still going to want to be in a relationship with him?


This guy is not an adult.  If he can't pay for his portion of food and rent, and his parents take care of the groceries, laundry, and other stuff for him, then what does he spend his money on?  And if he makes so much money like he proclaims he does, then why are you paying for his expenses?  It just doesn't add up to me.


How long have the two of you been together?


Sorry, this is a lot of questions, but it just seems to me that this guy is no good and that you'd be better off finding another place to live for a month rather than to continue living with this guy. 


 



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kenzie


Chanel

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NCshopper wrote:

I understand that you guys live together and all, which presents a certain amount of problems when these types of arguments come up, but besides the fact that you live together, why are you still with him?  After you guys no longer live together, do you think you're still going to want to be in a relationship with him? This guy is not an adult.  If he can't pay for his portion of food and rent, and his parents take care of the groceries, laundry, and other stuff for him, then what does he spend his money on?  And if he makes so much money like he proclaims he does, then why are you paying for his expenses?  It just doesn't add up to me. How long have the two of you been together? Sorry, this is a lot of questions, but it just seems to me that this guy is no good and that you'd be better off finding another place to live for a month rather than to continue living with this guy.   

I'm not sure what I'm going to do after we aren't living together.  I guess we'll see when the time comes. We've been together for over a year and we've been friends for 3 years. I absolutely am not moving out before I have to b/c that will cause me to incure moving expenses twice, which I cannot afford.


He's been spending most of him money on house renovations (he has basically gutted the place b/c it was in horrible condition) to sell the house.  I don't pay his expenses, his parents do (which I find pathetic). He (not his parents) pay the mortgage and utilities (we split the utilities, I pay a third of the rent/mortgage).  He didn't make me pay anything when I wasn't working, but now I owe him all the money from then, so that's why I'm having problems paying it on my meager income.


When you make what he's making, there's no need for mommy and daddy to be buying you groceries all the time (occassionally, fine, but not every week).  He *can* pay for his groceries, he just doesn't b/c his mom and dad don't cut the apron strings.  And of course, he's not going to kick a gift horse in the mouth, but I wouldn't want my mom to buy me groceries on a regular basis. My mom has decided to help me out this month with rent, ect, and I feel horrible about that. I can't imagine her shelling out money for me all the time. I'm an adult and I prefer to act like one.



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janey831


Kate Spade

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'I'm J-- F-----, I'm a superstar.' WTF!????!!!!


I know that you are upset, and have every right to be (good god, is he a belligerant drunk?) BUT, that quote seriously cracked me up.  thats some funny stuff.



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sephorablue


Marc Jacobs

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everyone else has said it a zillion times, and much more eloquently, but I cannot not weigh in. Please, please, please, please, PLEASE lose this horrible guy. PLEEEAAAASSSSSSE!! He is HOORRRIBLE! It seems to me that what you desperately need right now is just to get free of him and be by yourself for a nice, long, healing time. With no screaming matches, no drunken accusations, no guilt trips, no control manouvers, just peace and quiet and independence.


I totally agree with DC that the nice behavior should be the rule, not the "look, he's decent sometimes!" exception.


PLEASE get yourself away from him!



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atlgirl


Gucci

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You know I think you're great, and you know how I feel about this. I have no other comment.



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