STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Metric · Gucci

sex- overrated?

crystal · Kate Spade

do you mind if i ask how old you are & how long you've been w/ your bf? i've never been w/ someone more than 6 months & i've never "practiced" on my own & i think these factors may contribute to why i think it's overrated, but sounds like you've got a totally different reason than me.

blubirde · Chanel

crystal wrote:

do you mind if i ask how old you are & how long you've been w/ your bf? i've never been w/ someone more than 6 months & i've never "practiced" on my own & i think these factors may contribute to why i think it's overrated, but sounds like you've got a totally different reason than me.

Crystal, I know we've had this discussion but I CANNOT stress how important it is to know your own mechanics before you start letting someone else fiddle around under the hood!

As Betty Dodson would say (author of Sex For One, which I strongly recommend to all), you are responsible for your own orgasm. What she means is that you have to know what works for you and how to communicate to your partner what you need. It's definitely not the easiest task in the world but it's soooo worth it.

I don't think sex is overrated at all. I think it's wonderful. I think it heals wounds in relationships, keeps the two of you from turning from lovers to family (I'm referring to psych terms, not casual usage terms), and above all else, it feels good! There's so little pleasure in our lives, why not partake in as much as possible?

Okay, all that said, I know what you mean BrazenCanadian that things can get stale and sometimes you're just tired. I've been there. I also agree there are ebbs and flows with sex in relationships. Sometimes it's all hot and new again and sometimes its old and boring. It happens. That's why it's just that much more important to put all this extra effort into it, imo.

With a few exceptions, I'd have sex every day if I could. Of course, I don't have kids and I'm not married so things can always change. But I hope they don't!

Man, I could talk about this for hours!!!

Metric · Gucci

RE: sex- overrated?

Crystal wrote:
do you mind if i ask how old you are & how long you've been w/ your bf? i've never been w/ someone more than 6 months & i've never "practiced" on my own & i think these factors may contribute to why i think it's overrated, but sounds like you've got a totally different reason than me.

I am 26, the bf is 28 and we just celebrated our 6 year anniversary. We both had quite a bit of experience before we met each other.

Man, I am the Queen of TMI today.

-- Edited by BrazenCanadian at 17:27, 2005-08-12

laken1 · Hermes

Boy, I have lots of thoughts on this subject. But my answer is yes & no:

I think for the longest time I tried to judge a guy's interest in my based on sex - I think I confused "I want to have sex with you" with "i like you & want to be around you"

When I first met my current husband, sex was not the focus of our relationship. I was so confused & thought he didn't like me that much. It took a situation like that for me to realize that I had it backwards, he respected me & didn't see me JUST as a sexual object, he liked to do other things with me too, which I took as a sign that he wasn't that turned on by me. Which, by the way, is not & was not the case. But I was so used to guys being so interested in a sexual relationship that I didn't know a real, normal relationship when it hit me on the head.

I just think that I always believed that when a guy (let's say a booty call kind of guy) called me to go on a date I thought it was because he wanted to be around me, when in fact he was just horny. I also equated how much a guy wanted to have sex was related to how attractive he thought I was, which is also screwed up (that in fact is just how horny he is, period).

So I have had really good sex & really bad sex & I just think that really good sex doesn't make you compatible, although I can't tolerate really bad sex in any circumstance! LOL

I hate to say it, but I just think that sex muddies up your brain & you can't think of how you really feel about that person after you had sex with them because you have already taken that step. In my dating situations, I tended to be less critical about someone & if they were right for me (when they indeed were not in any way right for me) because I had already had sex with them, does that make sense?

And gosh, I hate to sound an abstinance teacher, but I really think it's best when you are totally in love & can let your guard down & give yourself to that one person. I know, cheesy. Especially since i have had REALLY GOOD sex with people I didn't give a flip about. But you know what I mean. (after re-reading this, I have to say, I don't in any way mean you can't have great sex outside of a married or even commited relationship. I guess I mean making sure that person really cares about you & your feelings - I have been screwed, figuratively by thinking a guy cared about me, but didn't, only cared about sex, if that makes sense)

I have this book & I will quote it because I think it really encapsulates what I am trying to say:
"Sex is not, in its essence, about the body at all. It is an opportunity for us to remove our emotional armor with someone who wants us to remove it & who wants to remove his own. Problems occur when we have sex with people who have no desire whatsoever for us to be so naked in their presence, who have no sense of the sacred responsibility it is to hold another person's heart in their hands." from Illuminata by Marianne Williamson. When i got caught up in thinking i wanted to have sex with someone because of pure lust, I tried to remember that statement. Sure, it didn't always work, but everytime in my life that I have read that, it rings very true to me.

Did I even answer the question?

-- Edited by laken1 at 17:43, 2005-08-12

laken1 · Hermes

crystal wrote:

do you mind if i ask how old you are & how long you've been w/ your bf? i've never been w/ someone more than 6 months & i've never "practiced" on my own & i think these factors may contribute to why i think it's overrated, but sounds like you've got a totally different reason than me.

And I have to agree with blubirde - I only read her first line, but girl, you need to get yourself a toy & figure it out on your own. You'll be so glad you did!!!

Metric · Gucci

laken1 wrote:

Boy, I have lots of thoughts on this subject. But my answer is yes & no: I think for the longest time I tried to judge a guy's interest in my based on sex - I think I confused "I want to have sex with you" with "i like you & want to be around you" When I first met my current husband, sex was not the focus of our relationship. I was so confused & thought he didn't like me that much. It took a situation like that for me to realize that I had it backwards, he respected me & didn't see me JUST as a sexual object, he liked to do other things with me too, which I took as a sign that he wasn't that turned on by me. Which, by the way, is not & was not the case. But I was so used to guys being so interested in a sexual relationship that I didn't know a real, normal relationship when it hit me on the head. I just think that I always believed that when a guy (let's say a booty call kind of guy) called me to go on a date I thought it was because he wanted to be around me, when in fact he was just horny. I also equated how much a guy wanted to have sex was related to how attractive he thought I was, which is also screwed up (that in fact is just how horny he is, period).

Laken- This is brilliant!!!! You have totally described all of my sexual experience up until I met my current bf. Everything you described is fits exactly. How did you get so damn wise?!

NCshopper · Hermes

Interesting question. I think everyone is a little different and it's a little different with every partner.

I don't think sex is overrated, but at the same time, it's not something I feel like doing all the time. There are definite times when I'm horny as hell for awhile and some times when sex just doesn't sound very appealing (usually when it's hot and I'm tired, sex just feels like its too much work).

I'm 24 and been married 1.5 years (we've been together for 3) and it's really cool to be with someone who cares about you and who really wants you to enjoy the experience instead of someone who just wants to get off. (Pardon my language, but I figure if you're reading this topic, you know what's coming.) Anyway, having had both good sex and bad sex in the past is a good thing because you can learn from it AND you can appreciate a good thing when you've finally got it.

I also think that hormones have something to do with it. They say that guys hit their sexual peak around 19 and for women it's more like 30, so it sounds to me like the best is yet to come! (No pun intended! )

One more thing: I absolutely HATED in college when I'd complain about having bad sex with someone and one of my girlfriends would say "Well, at least you're getting some." NO!!! Bad sex is the WORST and it's worse than having no sex at all.

Tati · Chanel

Oh my, I cant believe I'm going to tell you this, but I've only slept with one guy! I met my husband when I was 17 and we've been married for 10 years. Yes I'm 28, and right now I really dont care to have sex. I mean, when I'm having sex I really enjoy it but I dont care to have it. Am I making sense? When I first started having sex and when I finally had my first orgasm I always wanted it. I was so horny then! My poor husband wants me to welcome him home from work with only a g-string on, get real! I've had 2 kids, and I'm just not caring to do that right now. But its cool cause were best friends and thats not everything that matters. I know hes a guy, and sometimes he has to remind me to give him some, so hopefully when I reach my peak it'll be good for him and I?

(I'm usually embarrased to tell people I've only had one guy)

-- Edited by Tati at 20:26, 2005-08-12

laken1 · Hermes

BrazenCanadian wrote:

Laken- This is brilliant!!!! You have totally described all of my sexual experience up until I met my current bf. Everything you described is fits exactly. How did you get so damn wise?!

I am older (33) so I have lived a bit!!!! I had 2 kinda wild periods in my life, right after I graduated high school & for about a year after I got divorced

I have been thinking about that since I wrote it & thinking I sounded like a nut, so i'm kinda glad SOMEONE thinks it's right, or agrees, or doesn't think i'm insane.

-- Edited by laken1 at 20:22, 2005-08-12

-- Edited by laken1 at 20:24, 2005-08-12

blubirde · Chanel

Tati wrote:

Oh my, I cant believe I'm going to tell you this, but I've only slept with one guy! I met my husband when I was 17 and we've been married for 10 years. Yes I'm 28, and right now I really dont care to have sex. I mean, when I'm having sex I really enjoy it but I dont care to have it. Am I making sense? When I first started having sex and when I finally had my first orgasm I always wanted it. I was so horny then! My poor husband wants me to welcome him home from work with only a g-string on, get real! I've had 2 kids, and I'm just not caring to do that right now. But its cool cause were best friends and thats not everything that matters. I know hes a guy, and sometimes he has to remind me to give him some, so hopefully when I reach my peak it'll be good for him and I?

(I'm usually embarrased to tell people I've only had one guy)-- Edited by Tati at 20:26, 2005-08-12

Don't be embarassed about only one guy! It's kinda sweet when you think about it, but really it's just circumstance. You're lucky that THAT guy was THE guy. For the longest time I'd only slept with two guys, but that was because I went from high school boyfriend to college boyfriend with no one (sexually) in between. Even though I'd only slept with the two (and my college friends had slept with waaay more than that), I'd had more sexual experience than them. I mean think about it. Say they'd slept with 20 guys, right? I'd had sex 20 times with my boyfriend in the first few weeks we started doing it, so after a few years I waaaay surpassed anything they were doing. It's quality, not quanity that counts.

Laken1 - I kind of agree with what you're saying. The thing is, sometimes you have to go through all the bad stuff to get to the good stuff otherwise how would you ever know the good stuff was good? Ya know? I've slept with my fair share of guys (no slut bashing here) and I don't regret any of them (save for one maybe).

There's something exhilerating about owning one's own sexuality and knowing that you can have sex when and if you want to, with whomever you want to. And pleasurable. But sexual growth is like relationship growth, I think. You have to try out a bunch of different things before you can figure out what works for you.

BUT sex can't be about emotion if you're playing with it. Our hearts are too fragile to attach to every sexual experience we have. If you have casual sex, just be safe. I don't mean physically (althought that's true too) but emotionally. Know that sex doesn't equate love and it's about physical pleasure, fun, etc., not love. Eventually it will be but until then there's a lot to take into consideration, ya know?

I don't know how this comes across as sounding but I fulling support sexual expression in all its shapes and forms. Just be strong and safe about it.

laken1 · Hermes

blubirde wrote:

Laken1 - I kind of agree with what you're saying. The thing is, sometimes you have to go through all the bad stuff to get to the good stuff otherwise how would you ever know the good stuff was good? Ya know? I've slept with my fair share of guys (no slut bashing here) and I don't regret any of them (save for one maybe).

There's something exhilerating about owning one's own sexuality and knowing that you can have sex when and if you want to, with whomever you want to. And pleasurable. But sexual growth is like relationship growth, I think. You have to try out a bunch of different things before you can figure out what works for you.

BUT sex can't be about emotion if you're playing with it. Our hearts are too fragile to attach to every sexual experience we have. If you have casual sex, just be safe. I don't mean physically (althought that's true too) but emotionally. Know that sex doesn't equate love and it's about physical pleasure, fun, etc., not love. Eventually it will be but until then there's a lot to take into consideration, ya know?

I don't know how this comes across as sounding but I fulling support sexual expression in all its shapes and forms. Just be strong and safe about it.

I know exactly what you mean - and to be honest I wondered what you would say about my response. Trust me, I've had my share of experiences & I guess when I look back it's so easy to see the obvious things I shouldn't have done - but I didn't know that at the time.

I also TOTALLY agree with being in charge with your sexuality - I guess here is where I really answer the "is sex overrated" question - in my first "adult" sexual relationship I faked it for 2 years because the guy (28, I was 19) told me that he had broken up with someone because she couldn't have an orgasm from actual intercourse alone - I thought it was ME, so I faked it so he wouldn't break up with me. (what an idiot he was & I was for believing / trusting him). So in my future relationships I COMPLETELY have taken responsibility for my own orgasm, as in taking care of telling my partner what i want / need (i have a feeling I just became the queen of TMI). And I still firmly believe this. I also know that after you do that, sex isn't overrated at all, but you can put it in perspective as regards to your specific relationship. I think men respect me more for saying "hey, here's what I need" than laying there taking it. If you know what i mean.

I also remember talking to a single guy friend after I got divorced & had been "out" a while & telling him that i realized I could have sex whenever (and within reason with whoever) I chose, and that honestly was really empowering. But making some wrong choices did indeed shake my confidence in my decision making abilities. I guess that's why I'm so content where I am. But I agree it took ALL that to get me here. I just think I'm like my parents, I'd rather someone else listen & learn than have to go through the pain of learning some of that for themselves....if that makes sense.

-- Edited by laken1 at 22:11, 2005-08-12

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

I so agree about getting through the bad stuff to recognize the good stuff! Before I met my current boyfriend, I was a serial short-term monogamist, if that makes any sense; I definitely spent a lot of time being single, but I also somehow managed to rack up quite a lot of monogamous relationships that only lasted a few months. So that meant I had a lot of sex with people I cared about, but wasn't really in love with--it was sort of a weird limbo between what we think of as "casual" sex, where your emotions aren't involved, and emotional sex. Anyway I always loved it, but never related to what I would hear married or super-committed people talk about experiencing.

Then when I met my BF, we had this incendiary chemistry right from the start, like nothing I had ever experienced before. And then as I was falling in love with him, it just changed. It's still the best sex I've ever had in my life, but it's more important to me from an emotional standpoint than the physical one now. Don't get me wrong, the physical is still a huge huge part of it, but often I'll find that I want to have sex even when I don't physically feel like it--tired, headache, whatever--purely because I need that connection to him. I never used to get it when I would hear people talk about sex as an expression of emotion--I was like, "sex is sex!" But now I totally understand what that means.

Andrea Julia · Coach

n/m

-- Edited by Andrea Julia at 00:55, 2006-01-29

ILoveChoo · Hermes

I don't really have anything interesting to say but I also feel it is overrated. I just don't enjoy it. period. I don't like it. It's boring. Not that it's always been that way- a few years ago I loved it, I have no idea what changed.

lynnie · Chanel

I don't know if over-rated is really the word. Because I consider it very important to a relationship, so do many other people, but some don't as well. I think a lot of it is coming into your sexuality, being with the right person, you know..making it feel good

I think the connection aspect of it is the strongest part to me- I like to have that person to share it with. It is very intimate and does make you feel close to a person, though it does not make problems better in a relationship and can actually aggrevate them.

nunzi182 · Kate Spade

Tati wrote:

Oh my, I cant believe I'm going to tell you this, but I've only slept with one guy! I met my husband when I was 17 and we've been married for 10 years. Yes I'm 28, and right now I really dont care to have sex. I mean, when I'm having sex I really enjoy it but I dont care to have it. Am I making sense? When I first started having sex and when I finally had my first orgasm I always wanted it. I was so horny then! My poor husband wants me to welcome him home from work with only a g-string on, get real! I've had 2 kids, and I'm just not caring to do that right now. But its cool cause were best friends and thats not everything that matters. I know hes a guy, and sometimes he has to remind me to give him some, so hopefully when I reach my peak it'll be good for him and I?

(I'm usually embarrased to tell people I've only had one guy)-- Edited by Tati at 20:26, 2005-08-12

OMG! Don't be embarrassed. I've only been with one guy too. We met when I was 17 and we're getting married in November (I'm 23 now). Sometimes it DOES get a little boring and we never "jive" like when he wants it, I don't and when I want it, he never does. Right now with the stresses of the wedding it's really getting put on the back burner and when we do do it, it's not really too good (I also think it has something to do with the extremely hot weather too). But we've also had really good sex in the past.

To add a little bit of "spice" we're abstaining from sex two months before the wedding to make our honeymoon that much more special and new. I definitely here you with the not wanting to do it all of the time though...b/c I'm rarely in the mood to do it anymore and I really think that it IS overrated at times because our relations is SO much more than sex.

Elle · Hermes

Very interesting discussion, ladies !

I'm also a one-man woman, since we've been together for almost 9 years. I'd have to say it took about 4 years before it ever got 'good' - unless both people are very experienced before they meet, there is a pretty big learning curve! Now that it is consistently, um, 'good', I find that the more we do it, the more I want to do it. The less we do it, the less I want to do it. I know that alot of people try to keep sex from being 'routine', but I find the exact opposite works better for me - when we make sex a routine thing that we do, it gets absorbed into our lives and doesn't feel like an extra thing we have to add in and make time for. If we get out of the groove for a week or two, it's like a kiss of death to quantity and therefore quality!

How's that for TMI !?!

asf · Kate Spade

i definitely don't think sex is overrated. prepare for a whole lotta tmi.

i've been with my bf for 7 years, i'm 27. there have definitely been periods (especially in the last few years) where we've gone extended periods without having sex, and i agree with lmonet - the less frequently i have sex, the less i want it. so i try to force myself to do it even if i don't feel like it...usually i get over the "i don't feel like it" pretty quickly, if you know what i mean. and even if it's not as...fulfilling (lol) as it could be, it's still fun and satisfying...and it makes it much more likely that i'll get the bf to rub my back when i ask! haha.

i also agree with the girls (blubirde, etc.) who recommend figuring out what works for you on your own. i was with many guys over many years before i ever had my first orgasm, and even since then it definitely has never been a guarantee. but just finding out what it takes to get you there - and proving to yourself that yes, you *can* get there - makes sex so much better. i have two um...helpers, both of which my current bf bought me. neither are wonderful (hey, he's a guy...i give him credit just for buying them!), but they get the job done. i wouldn't mind a new one, though, if anyone has any recommendations.

andreajulia - break open that box. (ew...vulgar pun not intended!!) i'm editing here, so i saw what blubirde posted, and i agree - it will increase your appeal to others, as well as make you feel better about yourself. plus, there's something fun about walking around with a little "i have a secret, you'll never guess what i did this morning" look on your face.

okay...i just deleted a bunch because it really was waaaaaaaaay too much info., but i'd be willing to spill more in a pm if anyone cares! lol

-- Edited by asf at 14:32, 2005-08-16

blubirde · Chanel

Andrea Julia wrote:

I actually bought a mechanism to practice on my own about a year ago and have never taken it out of the box. Sometimes I plan that I will, but when I get the chance to, I never feel like it. I just think it would depress me.

Ahhhh!!!!! It won't depress you - it will make you so, so, so happy. Trust me.

When a woman embraces her own sexuality and can satisify herself, she's instantly happyier and more satisfied. That usually translates into a bit of confidence and the opposite sex can sense it. So not only does self-expression (if you will) increase our happiness and satisfaction, it also attracts men.