STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Call him Friday to hang out Saturday. By now, whether or not your a couple, you know each other well enough that you don't need to think as much about the 'guy takes the initiative' idea. And if he's shy and still complained about you not calling him enough, that definitely means something.

ok, let's unpack all this a little bit:

Dizzy wrote:

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Without playing games, I mean... I have been really bad about game playing in the past.

I definitely agree with not trying to play games because invariably the only person you end up playing is yourself.  so I'm glad we're in agreement on that...

All those skills I use at work are not necessariily a good thing for the dating world.

Yeah it seems like you learned how to deal w/ crazy people really well except in your personal life you wouldn't want to deal w/ those crazy people to begin w/ so the methods used to deal w/ crazy people should probably not be used on non-crazy people, or else you will look like the crazy one!

And I have no patience.

This statement's a bit tricky...first of all, I highly doubt you have no patience, so don't put yourself down like that.  anyway, I'm about to make a total stab in the dark but let me know if this rings true:  Do you feel like the root of your impatience comes from your insecurity about where you stand w/ him?  If so, that's not really a problem w/ your patience level, is it?  Like what we really have to deal w/ isn't "how to make Dizzy patient"  it's more "how to get Dizzy feel secure" don't you think?

So of course I'm dating the world's slowest man. Check that, we might not yet be dating yet. It's hard to tell. We've been doing things together since May. Kissing since mid-June, and sleeping together for exactly one month. I was just starting to relax and think we're together.

Ok, well what made you start to relax and think you guys were together?  his actions?  conversations you two have had?  getting physically intimate?  go back and think where your relaxation came from, maybe your concerns will be allayed just by reminding yourself how good things are going...

I even turned down THREE dates from other guys since we first KISSED (Please note: I really like this boy - he's super-shy, fascinating, different from me in a good way, accepting of other people, has a fabulous body, was a philosophy major, has an incredible collection of books, played football - I have a thing for football players...) But I digress.

Does he know you turned down dates for him and think so highly of him?  Whether or not he knows isn't good or bad either way, I'm just curious and it might shed some light...

So he went out of town on Friday, as did I.

Did you guys talk on Friday?  If so, what did the conversation entail?  On a related note, how often do you guys talk in general?  Usually, it's a pretty good sign when there's a lot of communication.  

On Monday, I ran into him at the gym. On Tuesday, I ran into him at the gym. (This was rare, my usual class got canceled Monday) He didn't suggest getting together either day.

Hmm...for some reason this reads like both occassions' conversations were kinda stilted and awkward, but that's just my inference...did the conversations feel stilted and awkward?

 Usually by Tuesday he's called me. On Wednesday, I finally broke down and called him to say hi. On Thursday he called back and said he's busy this week but asked me to call him Friday or Saturday.

All right, this little exchange definitely sounds like a little game playing is going on.  and to be honest, I'm kinda not feeling him calling you just to tell you to call him, why can't he just call you himself on Friday or Saturday or whenever he's not busy?  Why's he making you "chase" him, so to speak? 

Oh, and he has complained before that I never call him. Which is true, but he's so quiet it's hard to know what kind of space he fricking wants! Grrr.

Ok, where's this "space" terminology coming from?  Because if the only reason you're not calling is to give him "space," the natural question is did he ask for space to begin with?  and if he did ask for space or imply he wanted it, how'd that conversation go?  details please!  they will be needed for full analysis!

So the options I'm considering are: 1) call him Friday and ask him to do something Saturday. 2) Call him Saturday and ask him to do something later that night. Or 3) call him Saturday and say I'm busy, but I'll call him next week. I'm way overthinking here, but I don't want to do anything because I want to control his reaction, I want to do something because it makes sense and makes me feel like I'm in control of myself and being respectful to him. And I can't think of what that would be.

Ok, well I'm coming into this late so I'm not sure what option you picked but whatever option you picked, just be natural and try to stay true to yourself.  That's usually the problem w/ overthinking and pondering, you start ignoring your instincts and that's never a good thing...

Because deep down I can tell that I really want to feel in control by controlling him. Does that make sense? And I'm trying to resist that... and ok, now I'm just babbling.

I totally understand where you're coming from, but watch out because you're kinda in dangerous territory, because here's the thing--you can't control anybody but yourself and so it's pointless to try.  and more importantly, do you really want to control him into liking you and wanting to be w/ you?  don't you want his feelings to be sincere and not the product of some mind game?  besides didn't we start with the premise that games are useless anyway?

Dating sucks. Boys suck.

Oh, please, you know you don't mean that.  yes, the uncertainty can be kind of aggravating but c'mon, would you really want to miss out on the fun of it all?

And I needed to vent. Anyone (particularly Bluebirde or Esquiress...) have some thoughts?

Well, I don't really know if I helped at all but feel free to vent anytime!

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Thanks guys! Y'all really helped put it in perspective. Ok, so here's what happened: I called him Friday and left a message saying I'd call him Saturday to arrange something for that night. Then I did. Then we went out. I stayed the night. And this morning before I left, he said something about my pending trip out of town Monday (just for one night) and told me to call him "Tuesday or Wednesday." I dont' know what that is, but I'm starting to get the feeling he's tired of my space-giving thing and actually he wants some more reassurance from me.

Esquiress nailed it. He never asked for space. If anything the opposite. It's just something I do because I've had so many asshole male ho friends and instead of thinking "These guys are totally taking advantage of perfectly nice girls who are just trying to have an honest connection..." I thought "What is wrong with these girls that they keep calling these guys when there's clearly no hope of anything real and they just look like hoochies..." It was blame the victim. I know. And I still have that horror of BEING the victim. So THAT"S the root of my insecurity. It actually doesn't have anything to do with him or anything he's done - until this last week, he was pretty game free, if slow moving. Thanks for the tip about remembering why I relaxed in the first place. That helped. And does he know I think so highly of him? Um, no. That's definitely something to work on. In fact, I keep treating him like he's a player, and he's never really done anything to deserve it.

Bluebirde thanks for the common sense approach, and good luck with your man. It sounds like he's pretty special to you, and that is sucha good feeling - glad you have that. I think you're totally right about going with how it feels and relaxing. And last night was like that. Mainly because I told myself that if my completely irrational fear of being played was right, and he was going to dump me and go for new blood, I might as well have fun first and it was his loss anyway. Having said that, my first thought when he asked me to call him tuesday was "I'm definitely calling him Wednesday - he can wait..." So I'm still a work in progress.

Anyway, this whole thing made me see how overprotective I am of my feelings, and how scared I am of being made to look bad. Which is completely ridiculous. Like I'm too good to be dumped like everyone else? Or actually, like I'm really that much more fragile than everyone else... So I'm working on controlling my own fears, instead of him, and listening to what he says instead of assuming he's like my old guy friends. And I guess we'll see how it works out. Thanks again y'all. I love this board.