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Emilie


BCBG

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Feeling awful about a "friend"
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I'm having trouble with my so-called friend, and I'm feeling really terrible about it. Here's some background information on this friendship.

So basically I was friendly with this guy in high school, but never really that close. Well when we left for college, we started talking online a lot. I guess when you enter this scary and unknown experience, you tend to bond easily with others that are going through the same thing. And well, the beginning of college is hard, so we really got close through that. Well, anyway, we continued talking all the time throughout the year, and I was getting the feeling that we were becoming really close friends. And I'm not completly crazy for thinking that, I mean, he's told me that I, along with this other guy, was the only person he really talked to about everything. And that I was the only person that really knew everything that was going on with him at college. Towards the end of the year, he even said, and i quote "I wanted to tell you that I really appreciate our friendship, more than most others I have." And trust me, for an emotionally closed up guy, that's a really amazing thing to say!

Anyway, summer comes along, and it's over half gone and we've only seen eachother once. He claims that he's busy, but I think that's bullsh-t because even if he is hanging out with other people, theres no reason why he couldnt invite me along once in a while. Plus, he's made plans with me a couple of times, and then canceled. Then about 2 weeks ago, we were talking online but he was acting like he didnt want to talk to me, and I told him how i hate when he doesnt talk, and he says that he just doesnt have anything to talk about. So i just say, fine, and stop talking too. And we havent spoken since. 2 weeks is probably the longest we've ever gone without talking, and i feel so angry!! It's just, I know he likes me as a friend, otherwise he wouldnt have told me things like that during the year, but I feel like to him it just wouldnt make a difference if we were friends or not. I'm also so pissed because everyhting was left so unresolved, and I wish like I could just tell him off! I really care about him and like him as a person, and I know he would never intentionally hurt me, but sometimes he's so insensitive that i just want to scream!!

All my friends tell me to forget about him, because he makes me upset with how insensitive he acts sometimes, but whenever he goes back to acting friendly, I just do the same. I mean, he's done this many times before. One minute he'll act like we're the closest of friends, and the next minute he practically ignores me. And I usually dont take it too seriously, because I realize that its just the way he is, and it doesnt have to do with me. But now, that the summer is over half done, and we've only seen eachother once and havent even talked for 2 weeks, I feel so pissed! That's a really awful way for a friend to act.

I dont know what to do. I don't know if i should ignore him and let our friendship fade this way. Or tell him off and end the friendship that way. Or just act normal, like nothing is wrong, the next time he starts acting friendly. I dont want to seem immature or childish, but I feel hurt that someone I thought was a close friend would practically ditch me this summer.


Oh, and I should probably just add some information about the one night we did hang out. We had a good time, we talked for a long time and drove around. When he was driving me home, he asked to hang out again later that week, so I'm guessing he enjoyed hanging out that night. Then he cancelled our plans because he said he forgot about this improv show he had to go to. He wasnt lying, but I did get upset that he just cancelled and didn't reschedule or anything.

-- Edited by Emilie at 21:41, 2005-07-18

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lynnie


Chanel

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RE: Feeling awful about a "friend"
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just out of curiousity, do you have romantic feelings for him?  Also, what was he like in high school- was he considered "cool" or a "jerk"?  I know a lot of guys that would have talked to me when they were away at school and didn't have their so called "real" friends around, but would become assholes as soon as they were with their old group.  They were just insecure without their posse and didn't know how to function by themselves.  Sorry if this sounds harsh and is totally wrong, but he sounds  like a complete jerk that just needed someone to lend an ear during his adjustment period.

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Andrea Julia


Coach

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Wow!  I'm sorry, Emilie.  I can imagine how awful you feel.  Sometimes people are just like that for some unknown reason.  Maybe he feels more comfortable talking to you online.  Maybe, like lynnie said, he needed someone to listen during the adjustment period.  Who knows?  I think you should tell him how you feel.  If his excuse doesn't make you think to yourself, "okay, I completely understand," then maybe you should rethink the friendship.  Whatever the case, he is the one missing out! 


There used to be a guy like this in my life.  We would talk on the internet and on the phone for hours and hours, but everytime we made plans to hang out in person, he ended up cancelling.  Then I would get mad and ignore him for a while, but would always fall into talking to him again.  This pattern went on for like a year.  We probably hung out in person like 4 times total.  And he only lived only a half hour away!  One day, I just said ENOUGH and blocked his IM names (including the ones he made up to try to get me to talk to him when I wouldn't answer from his real name)  I also programmed every number he tried to call me from into my cell so I wouldn't be fooled into picking up.  This was about 3 years ago and actually, just a couple months ago, he tried to add me to MySpace.  He was always so persistent for someone that had no interest in hanging out with me.



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rosie_the_riveter


Gucci

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lynnie wrote:

  Sorry if this sounds harsh and is totally wrong, but he sounds  like a complete jerk that just needed someone to lend an ear during his adjustment period.
This is what I was thinking.  It sucks that people could "use" other people this way and not feel bad in any way.  I'm sorry Emilie.  I would just forget the jerk

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Ritz


Dooney & Bourke

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emilie... i am so sorry, i know how you feel.


in high school i had a best guy friend, who i happened to be completely infatuated with, but it was an unrequited type thing. anyways, for almost 2 years, he called me/IMed me constantly, we were best friends, he thanked me for being such a good friend, being able to talk to me about stuff he couldnt talk about with anyone else, etc. and then we stopped hanging out and talking as much, our interests and friends were changing but even when i asked him why we didnt talk he still said i was his best freind, etc etc. and basically then he would talk to me when HE needed something, broke up with a gf, etc.


i basically let him hurt/upset me for the next two years of high school, and then finally came to realize that he had changed and i wasn't an integral part in his life anymore, as long as things were going well for him. when they weren't that great, or if he was bored, whatever, he called me, right away.


it definitely sucked, it was so hard and it is still hard for me to see him two years later b/c i still don't understand how you just get over a friend. BUT, i came to realize that if someone is like that, i don't need them. i'm not going to go on and on about how he must be a jerk, b/c while what he did sucked, im sure you don't think that about your friend, and sometimes i think it is harder to want to think badly of someone when you really don't.


anyways, i am sure that you are a great girl, and tons of people want to be your friend. so take his friendship for what it was, a great way to transition to the college life, and realize that it was beneficial for you also. and now that it isn't, it is time for you to move on..



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Emilie


BCBG

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RE: Feeling awful about a "friend"
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Well, some of the things you guys said was totally on the money, but he's really not an intentionally bad person. I think that during the year, he really did care about me, but you guys are right-- he probably was only acting this way because he was insecure without his friends from home. While what he's doing is totally wrong and mean, I just don't feel like he's doing it on purpose. But, this is one of my problems. I always forgive him for being insensitive because I say that he's a good heart deep down, but I know that I should stop this. It's not fair to me to continue being friends with this guy, that only really wants me when he's having a hard time at school.

I don't have romantic feelings for him, not to be shallow but I'm just not attracted to him. I really like him as a person, though. We have very similar personalities and the same sense of humor. And he understands me on almost all aspects, except for how I feel about this friendship. A couple of times I told him how I'm mad at him for ignoring me, and he would say that I'm over reacting, and somehow he would get me to forgive him. He has this way of not out-right apologizing, but still making me feel like he cares about me and he's a good person, so I should forgive him.

I don't really know what to think. I know that he likes me, but maybe that doesn't really matter because clearly to him, our friendship isnt important. He wasnt the popular guy in school, but he has a big group of close firends, and he was kinda the leader, so now that he's back home, he has a lot of people to hang out with.

I just feel like such a stupid girl. This happens a lot with him (the hot-cold attitude), and I always make myself believe that maybe eventually he'll snap out of it, and we can be friends without him getting into his detached phases. I know that I should just drop him, and this isn't fair to me.

I won't IM him or anything, but I don't know what to do if he happens to IM me. Should I tell him how I feel, or just ignore him? I'm afriad I'll just end up acting normal, and let him get away with his hurtful attitude once again. And then sometimes I just let the whole thing go, because he doesn't really have close firends that are girls, and he is pretty awkward with girls, so that fact makes me a bit more lenient with his attitude.

But that shouldn't matter, I don't deserve to be treated that way, and I'll see if he ends up IMing me or not. If he doesnt, then I'll just let it go, and understand that the friendship wasnt made to be. If he does IM me.. I don't know what I'll do.

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nunzi182


Kate Spade

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RE: Feeling awful about a "friend"
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Emilie wrote:

I don't have romantic feelings for him, not to be shallow but I'm just not attracted to him.



Could it be that he's like this because he has romantic feelings for you and he knows that you don't have them for him?

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sfcaligirl


Dooney & Bourke

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Emilie wrote:




But, this is one of my problems. I always forgive him for being insensitive because I say that he's a good heart deep down, but I know that I should stop this.


This happens a lot with him (the hot-cold attitude), and I always make myself believe that maybe eventually he'll snap out of it, and we can be friends without him getting into his detached phases. I know that I should just drop him, and this isn't fair to me.




emilie, you deserve to be treated better than this.  you know it- you keep saying that you know you should stop and that it isn't fair to you.  it's great that you can acknowledge the problem- there's nothing more self destructive than denial- but now you've got to put an end to this cylce.  don't let him treat you like this.


i know you said this isn't a romantic relationship, but this guy reminds me of my ex.  i was way too lenient with my ex because i thought he had a "good heart deep down."  he'd hurt me, then apologize and explain it away somehow, and i'd always forgive him because i knew it wasn't intentional and i knew he wasn't a bad person.  i still believe that he's not a bad person.  but that doesn't mean i need to put up with being treated badly.  i stopped talking to my ex for seven months because of this.  (i just recently spoke with him over the phone, no big deal, just catching up.)  i really think that the bottom line is this: no matter how good his intentions are or how much he says he cares, the most telling thing is the way he treats you and how he makes you feel.  and if he's not treating you well, then you really don't need him around. 


good luck!



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Emilie


BCBG

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You guys give the best advice! Really, I appreciate everything you guys said.

I'm going to stop this bad cycle because I don't deserve to be treated this way. I have to accept that a friendship between us won't work. It hurts, but it's better to end this now, then to continue getting upset everytime he goes through a cold phase.

I will probably ignore his instant messages, because even though I hate being non-confrontational, I will feel too vulnerable telling him how upset I really am. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he has so much control over how I feel, ya know?

I know that once I get back to school, I'll forget all about him and be reminded of what its like to be surrounded by true friends.



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Emilie


BCBG

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I think you guys would have been proud of me!! The guy IMed me the other night, and I just played it cool. I'm guessing he doesnt think anything was wrong, but being his beating-around-the-bush self and instead of just asking to hang out straight out, he goes "I'm just trying to figure out what I'm doing tonight..." To which I responded, well I'm going for a run now, bye!

Haha, I'm proud that I didn't just give in and be friendly and go back to the way things were. But is it bad that in the back of my mind, I'm a little happy thinking-- he'll probably take this as me being hard-to-get, and try even harder to hang out with me...?

Well, I'm working on it!

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