STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

I say fuck with her - Sounds like she's a classic narcissist. She isn't going to change. And your husband probably isn't going to resolve his issues with her, thus allowing him to stand up for you the way he should, soon enough to do your stomach any good. (Growing up with her was probably no picnic, huh, so who can blame him?)

Look, she gets off on bothering you, or anyone. Because she is seriously just a four-year-old trapped in the body of a grandmother (or grandmother-aged person). She also has no real concept of the fact that other people exist. Have you ever tried to explain empathy to a four-year-old? Does not compute.

You can't act with her like you would with a normal person. At best, she will completely fail to understand that you are being polite and considerate of her (because it's not something it would ever occur to her to do). At worst, she'll think you're weak and decide you're a good target.

So, with a normal person, you would try to explain how you feel, be patient, empathize with her feelings, whatever. Don't do that. Any of it. If you want peace, just agree with everything she says, whatever she says. Or pretend you don't hear her.

When she wants you to ride the roller coaster, and you don't want to, it turns into a power struggle for her. Don't argue, don't explain your side, don't listen to a word she says. She needs to be able to get out of the power struggle feelign like she came out on top. Just say "Of course I'll ride the coaster with you." Then don't. When she asks you about it, don't hear her. Or say something totally noncommital or nonsensical like "Of course roller coaster riding is so good for your heart." Then compliment her. The compliment is key. It's all she'll hear.

Whatever you do, don't challenge one thing out of her mouth. If she says the sky is green, say "It's so perceptive of you to notice that." Practice noncommital compliments like "I never thought of that. You always have so much insight... You know the most unusual facts... whatever.." Blah, blah, blah. Treat her like you would an annoying child. She will know something is wrong, but she is trapped in her own meanness and will not be able to do anything.

It's also a good idea to notice the things she does to other people, and do them back to her, if possible. Silent treatment is a good example. She uses these control tactics because she thinks there's no response. So if someone does it to her, she won't know what to do. (Obviously, you don't want to use her technique of yelling obscenities, though).

Finally, be prepared for her to enlist other people against you. If your sister-in-law or something starts calling asking you to be nicer to mom because she's having a hard time wiht the recent death of her houseplant or something, just say, "Of course, I had no idea she thought I would ever treat her badly. I'm horrified...." Then don't call, don't visit, don't bother to do anything.

The whole point of her tirades is to make you do something you don't want to do, for example, visit her more often. The harder you fight, the harder she'll fight. And in her psycho brain, it's a fight that means EVERYTHING. You'll wear out before she will. So just don't fight. If she wants you to visit, say "Of course, we'll be right over." Then DON"T GO. Just don't do it. And say you will. I know it sounds weird. Actually, it is weird. The thing is, she's insane and you cannot deal with her like you would a normal person so weird is what you get. And the most important thing is that you take care of you. So considering the alternative (being in the HOSPITAL for crying out loud) this isn't so bad, is it?

Good luck. PM me if you have a specific situation where you don't think this advice will apply. I have a narcissistic mother, ex-husband and ex-boss. I've probably either dealt with the same situation, or watched someone else deal with it with one of the above three.