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Post Info TOPIC: I Feel So Awful - need to vent
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Hermes

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I Feel So Awful - need to vent
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Sorry, but this is probably going to be a long post.  I feel so awful and sad about what's happening in my boyfriend's family.  My BF's brother B is engaged to J and ever since they got engaged (which J pushed for) she has been acting like a nutcase.  She's already postponed the wedding twice and the other day she told B that she wants to date other guys.  Obviously B was terribly hurt by what she said.  She has took $500 of his money for a summer school college class, which he gave her, and didn't tell him she decided not to take the class and instead blew it on clothes.  Now a little bit of a back story - J and myself are very close w/our bf's mother and whole family, but especially my future mother in law.  Well today my bf's mom called crying because B told J he is done w/her, broke up w/her for good (according to him) and asked for his ring back.  He also put all of her things that she left at his place in a box and told her to come and get them.  J is now hysterical saying she didn't mean what she said, she didn't really want to date other people, she was just feeling neglected and wanted his attention (which I think is a terrible excuse).  She said she loves him and can't live w/out him...he won't talk to her so she asked my FMIL to tell B for her.  He said he's so filled w/rage he never wants to see her again.  Well now my FMIL called me telling me all this crying her eyes out...she doesn't want them to break up - she feels bad for her son and she also thinks of J like her daughter.  I felt so awful for her...and for them.  I didn't know what to say.  I listened to her and told her I loved her and that things could all change again.  He is very upset and hurt right now and a lot of times people say things they regret later and he's still in the angry stage.  I tried to console her and just tell her to stay positive and know that things may change, but I told her that they may not either and better this than them getting married and going through a divorce.  Did I say the right things?  I feel so bad...she's so great to me and my bf and I just want to be there for her and for my bf because I know when he finds out he'll be very upset too.  Everyone's been so upset for the way J's been acting lately and the hurtful things she's doing to B. 


Sorry for the long post.  I don't even know what I expect anyone to reply with - I just want to be there for her and my bf and everyone.  I'm just sad about all of this.



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poptart


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That is a horrible, tough situation. I think you said all the right things - ultimately it is up to J and your BFs brother if they are together. I'm sorry you're going through this!

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esquiress


Marc Jacobs

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oh my gosh, shopchicago--you poor thing!  this sounds just awful.  i think you definitely said all the right things to your fmil.  i also think J crossed the line by asking your fmil to speak on her behalf to begin w/.  that just sounds like too many cooks in the kitchen and a recipe for trouble (sorry for the ridiculous metaphors!).  the thing that sucks is that to a certain extent this situation does kind of force you to "choose sides" so to speak and it sounds like from what you posted, you definitely think J's made some bad decisions (to put it mildly).  so i'd probably limit conversations w/ J as much as possible during this time.  meanwhile, the only thing you can do for your bf, B and your fmil, is just offer a sympathetic ear.  i wouldn't really say much.  after all, there really isn't anything you can say--it's not your relationship and it's not like you have a crystal ball so anytime someone asks for your opinion, just say what you've already said and not much else. 


anyway, this must be such a difficult situation!  good luck and feel free to vent anytime!



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RyanJ


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I have often thought how being a lesbian would be a lot less stressful as far as a relationship w/ your significant other goes because guys can be such thoughtless jerks. Now after reading your post I realize that girls are just as crazy and everyone is screwed...gay, straight or bi. It all sucks when it comes to relationships.

I am sorry you are going through all of this. It is horrible seeing people you love in pain. I hope things work out for the best.

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blink


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After the guy has some time to focus and changes his mind and will speak to her, somebody should suggest that they go to pre-marriage counseling together.  From the part about her saying she wanted to date other guys just to get some attention from him, it sounds like there are serious communication problems that can be worked on if they really care about each other.

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Hermes

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lorelei wrote:

After the guy has some time to focus and changes his mind and will speak to her, somebody should suggest that they go to pre-marriage counseling together.  From the part about her saying she wanted to date other guys just to get some attention from him, it sounds like there are serious communication problems that can be worked on if they really care about each other.
They are definitely having some major communication issues and they both recognized that and agreed, before all of this happened, to seek counseling together.  I'm not saying B - my bf's brother is perfect by any means, but J definitely has some issues.  She has some major family issues and she flies off the handle and runs out of the room when they argue or things don't go her way.  She has been holding this wedding over his head since they got engaged, which is sad.  I think she is the one who's confused about what she wants.  I hope it all works out, but I don't know if B will forgive her again.  She's been putting him through a lot lately.

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atlgirl


Gucci

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First of all, I think you said all the right things to your FMIL. Don't beat yourself up - it's really not *your* issue, though it is family-related, but you did what you could for her. Be proud of yourself for being there for her.

Second, I think J sounds like a drama queen, and even though B's mom might "think of her like a daughter", if she really is putting B through the wringer so much, it's best overall to cut her loose. I personally wouldn't tolerate her shit and would do the same thing, if I was B.

It' sometimes hard for families to let go when a couple breaks up, but it needs to be done. Your FMIL may be hurt and disappointed if they don't get back together, but in the long run it sounds like that might be for the best. Just keep doing what you are doing - you have a kind and compassionate heart and I'm sure they all love and appreciate you for that!


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blubirde


Chanel

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wow, shopchicago33, i wouldn't know what to do either. you sound like you said all the right things. is there a right thing to say in this situation? you can only try and make people feel better by listening to them and being there for the because there's really nothing you can control in this situation.


it's a tough one but maybe it's for the best. who knows? J may not have meant what she said but words have consequences, especially hurtful words. somethings take time to forgive, if they are forgiveable. i'm not sure i could forgive someone who told me they wanted to date other people while we were engaged. what a slap in the face. she kinda sounds like she deserves what she gets, ya know? but i'm really wary of people who can hurt someone they love so very deeply. i don't see how anyone with feelings can do something that makes their SO hurt so much.


i hope it works out - however it's supposed to. you're being a great gf & i'm sure your bf appreciates all you do for his family and how much you care for them. it'll get better.



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Hermes

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Oh I feel so bad, my FMIL just called again..crying more.  She's just brokenhearted - she said J just left her house, she had come by to bring her the engagement ring and all of B's stuff (per B's request). FMIL is just so sad, she feels a loss, which I can totally understand.  I just sat there and listened to her and told her things will work out however they are supposed to.  I don't think this is the end of B and J for good, I doubt after 5 years they'll never talk again, but I told her she has to accept what her son decides.  My fmil is just such a big-hearted person and she's hurting for both of them.  I feel so awful..she told me I helped her so much by listening and showing her both sides...I just hope she's ok - and I hope b and j are ok too.  It really is sad.  For as lousy as J has been acting, she does love B and she's basically helped him turn his life around.  Ugh

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atlgirl


Gucci

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i'm not sure i could forgive someone who told me they wanted to date other people while we were engaged

LOL Blubirde, I couldn't do that either. My ex-fiance told me that (in December, no less - happy holidays!) so I gave him the ring back and kicked his ass out. And you know what - he did date someone else for a few months, then wanted to get back together with me. Hah! That was the *best* scenario I could have hoped for at the time. Of course I told him, no way. Hopefully he's straightened himself out by now.

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bex


Chanel

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oh!  you poor thing!  you definitely said the right things to you FMIL.  it's hard when you are put in the middle of things like that with FILs...  like i just put my BF in the middle of.. oops!


I am sure your FMIL will get over this and see that J was not a great girl for B to be with... i hope all works out!



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sephorablue


Marc Jacobs

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that sucks hon... it sounds like you're being wonderful to your MIL, though, which is all you can do!

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