STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

dating dilemma...help! *UPDATE*

beachgirl · Kenneth Cole

RE: dating dilemma...help!

shopgirl82 · Chanel

i don't know enough to really say how the situation really is, but it seems as though you and the first guy may be better off as friends. that you enjoy spending time with eachother but the sparks aren't there?!

i would try to figure out which would be a bigger regret:

possibly losing an opportunity of a romantic relationship with guy number one (he might get hurt if he hears about guy number two...)

or a potential relationship with guy number two (if you don't go dancing with him).

good luck, keep us posted!

blubirde · Chanel

Heck yeah go with #2 guy!!! He salsa dances? yum, yum, gimme some! I have a strict philosophy about dating multiple guys - unless the guy that wants you all to himself has the balls to actually come out and ask you to date only him (or discuss the situation, whatever), he has no claim to you whatsoever. Put up or shut up. Yep, yep, yep. Of course, I drive many potential suitors away with this attitude, so what do I know?

You kept talking about how JJ feels about you but how do you feel about him? Do YOU want a relationship with him? If you're interested in #2 boy then it sounds like you're still looking around - at least for this moment. I'd say go out with #2 and see how you like him. You may not like him as much as JJ or you may realize JJ has got to go. One way to find out!

Keep us posted!

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

Thanks girls...I do feel like Blubirde, that until he has the guts to bring it up....
I do like JJ, but I've been very guarded with him so far, b/c I could REALLY like him, but I'm not sure how he feels about me. See, I feel like I can't quite measure up around him. He's a PhD student at Cal, with a dual appointment in chem and bio, he's naturally athletic, knows everything about current events, plays a musical instrument, cooks, very neat, AMAZING writer, hilarious... Pretty much perfect.

I'll let you girls know what I decide. Thank you all so much for your advise, opinions, and support. I am a little scared JJ might get hurt if he were to find out about #2 if JJ thinks that we're in a relationship. WHY do boys have to make my life so complicated??????

splash · Kenneth Cole

I agree with blubirde - he should bring it up at this point. But if guy #2 seems potentially serious, I think after a few dates it's only fair to say something to #1. At the same time, if you think he's not ready for another serious relationship because he's still recovering from his last, I think you should try to get him to explain the situation and then you can decide whether it's something you can live with.

Don't say he seems too perfect! He probably thinks the same about you (he better

).

crystal · Kate Spade

k, i'll admit i skimmed, but did u mention the details of ur relationship w/ JJ? i didn't see any mention as to whether u guys make out, hook up, or otherwise. so the way i see it, if u guys are just literally hanging out w/ no physical stuff then u r friends & welcome to date others. sure u told ur "friend" that u weren't dating anyone else, but now u r so he's gotta deal w/ it. oh, and as someone who dates multiple guys at a time, my rule of thumb is to only narrow it down to one if u r sleeping w/ that person or if he has requested that u be monogamous. otherwise u r free to do as u wish!

atlgirl · Gucci

I feel like I can't quite measure up around him. He's a PhD student at Cal, with a dual appointment in chem and bio, he's naturally athletic, knows everything about current events, plays a musical instrument, cooks, very neat, AMAZING writer, hilarious... Pretty much perfect.

ging, don't put him up on a pedestal - remember he's human just like the rest of us. If he makes you feel inferior *now* (not that he's making you feel that way, but if you feel that way now), how will you feel if/when the two of you do date? Trust me - having one member of a couple so idealized is not good for either partner. That's often how someone becomes a doormat (usually quite unintentionally). Don't forget what a special person YOU are, and how valuable those qualities are.

And I say go for guy #2. It doesn't sound like you have any committment to #1, so why deprive yourself of a potential relationship - or, if that doesn't happen, at least a lot of fun salsa dancing!

Good luck!

Andrea Julia · Coach

gingembre1 wrote:

On the other hand, we've said we're not seeing anyone else, and we hang out all the time. But I had a lot of fun with salsa guy. ARGH! Help! What are all your opinions?

I need some clarification. Did you say you weren't going to see other people from that point forward? Or did you both just say you weren't seeing other people at the time of the conversation but never discussed if you WOULD see another person if the opportunity arose?

Either way, I think it may be a little difficult to just start dating guy #2. Of course, in situation #2 you have a little more wiggle room if guy #1 found out. You could say you guys never said you WOULDN'T see other people; you just said you weren't seeing other people at the time. I wouldn't even tell him; I would just go ahead and start seeing the guy.

It is always weird when you have the conversation where you ask each other if you are seeing other people, both people say no, but nobody says, "okay, let's only see each other." It's like you don't know where you stand and don't know what to do when you meet someone else that could be interesting. I have combatted this by refusing to be exclusive with anyone that isn't using the titles girlfriend and boyfriend. If he wants me all to himself, he will call me his girlfriend and treat me accordingly. I don't like uncertainty.

If it is more like situation #1 and you guys said you weren't going to see other people, then unfortunately, you will probably have to talk to him about it. I wouldn't be specific about it or anything, but I would ask what our status is and then if he doesn't consider you guys as a couple, you can mention that you plan on seeing other people. Would you want him to be your boyfriend if he answered that that is what he wanted? Would you just forget guy #2?

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

Andrea Julia wrote:

gingembre1 wrote:

Either way, I think it may be a little difficult to just start dating guy #2. Of course, in situation #2 you have a little more wiggle room if guy #1 found out. You could say you guys never said you WOULDN'T see other people; you just said you weren't seeing other people at the time. I wouldn't even tell him; I would just go ahead and start seeing the guy.
It is always weird when you have the conversation where you ask each other if you are seeing other people, both people say no, but nobody says, "okay, let's only see each other." It's like you don't know where you stand and don't know what to do when you meet someone else that could be interesting. I have combatted this by refusing to be exclusive with anyone that isn't using the titles girlfriend and boyfriend. If he wants me all to himself, he will call me his girlfriend and treat me accordingly. I don't like uncertainty.
?

You brought up lots of good points. We never said we "wouldn't" see other people in the future, just both said we weren't seeing anyone. I totally know what you mean about that conversation being weird. ARGH!

blubirde · Chanel

RE: dating dilemma...help! *UPDATE*

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

blubirde wrote:

Arrgghhh!!!! (That's my excitement for you coming out.) Did you kiss guy #2?? I want all sexy salsa dancer guy details - he sounds fab!

So you peaked JJ's interest a bit huh? Figures. Guys only start acting like we want them to act five minutes after we moved on and stopped expecting it.

Hahaha, I didn't kiss him. I was a good girl.

But at the end of one of the songs, before he had to go play on stage, he gave me the cutest kiss on the cheek. And a big hug before I left. I don't think I would look twice at him on the street...he's a little too artsy/maybe a little beatnik looking? But wow, when he's dancing.... STUPENDOUS. And he speaks portuguese and spanish. I'm such a sucker for guys who can speak foreign languages. Let's see...He's reasonably tall (5'11") - I'm 5' tall, so he's tall to me - has dark brown eyes, brown hair, and a cute smile. He dresses in all black, but I think it's required for all the band members. And plays upright bass for the band.
Haha, I must stop gushing about this guy! Oh, but one more thing...he's one of those guys who will place a hand on your back to guide you, or take your hand to lead you. Sigh...maybe that's against what all we independent, feminist girls should stand for, but it makes me melt.

blubirde · Chanel

gingembre1 wrote:

blubirde wrote:
Arrgghhh!!!! (That's my excitement for you coming out.) Did you kiss guy #2?? I want all sexy salsa dancer guy details - he sounds fab!

So you peaked JJ's interest a bit huh? Figures. Guys only start acting like we want them to act five minutes after we moved on and stopped expecting it.

Hahaha, I didn't kiss him. I was a good girl. But at the end of one of the songs, before he had to go play on stage, he gave me the cutest kiss on the cheek. And a big hug before I left. I don't think I would look twice at him on the street...he's a little too artsy/maybe a little beatnik looking? But wow, when he's dancing.... STUPENDOUS. And he speaks portuguese and spanish. I'm such a sucker for guys who can speak foreign languages. Let's see...He's reasonably tall (5'11") - I'm 5' tall, so he's tall to me - has dark brown eyes, brown hair, and a cute smile. He dresses in all black, but I think it's required for all the band members. And plays upright bass for the band.
Haha, I must stop gushing about this guy! Oh, but one more thing...he's one of those guys who will place a hand on your back to guide you, or take your hand to lead you. Sigh...maybe that's against what all we independent, feminist girls should stand for, but it makes me melt.

omg!! I think I love him! Can that be? I love the hand on the back thing, too. I don't know how you could resist kissing him! I wouldn't have been so good.

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

blubirde I think you should move to California and we'll go on the prowl together. Hahahaha... Plus you have a great no-nonsense approach to dating it seems to me. Well, at least better than me, just muddling through it all.

blubirde · Chanel

gingembre1 wrote:

blubirde I think you should move to California and we'll go on the prowl together. Hahahaha... Plus you have a great no-nonsense approach to dating it seems to me. Well, at least better than me, just muddling through it all.

that's actually kind of funny that you would say that. i'm much better at the prowling than the dating though! and me? no-nonsense? i'm actually a bit pro-nonsense - it's the only way to make sense of everything.

splash · Kenneth Cole

blubirde wrote:

omg!! I think I love him! Can that be? I love the hand on the back thing, too. I don't know how you could resist kissing him! I wouldn't have been so good.

Me too!!! I love dancers, and I love the hand on the back type!

But seriously, trying to be paranoid/negative I'd wonder if he was a casual/heartbreaker type. And it sounds like JJ was really sweet.

But a dancer... Mmmmm....

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

Here I am AGAIN!

The dancer/band guy actually seems really nice...but then again, we haven't really talked, just danced. But he wants to go out this weekend....

Going out with JJ tonight. That kid better start opening up a bit. He's so reserved in person! And his mind tends to be in the gutter sometimes, which can get a tad on the annoying side. But what guy's mind isn't?

Went with my family to pick up our French exchange student last night....and the chaperone for the group is H-O-T. SUPER SUPER HOT. I actually worked up the nerve to chat with him, and now I can't wait for the group picnic on Sunday. Siiiigh.

I keep thinking someone took a cornucopia full of hot guys and dumped it on me.

blubirde · Chanel

gingembre1 wrote:

Here I am AGAIN!

The dancer/band guy actually seems really nice...but then again, we haven't really talked, just danced. But he wants to go out this weekend....

Going out with JJ tonight. That kid better start opening up a bit. He's so reserved in person! And his mind tends to be in the gutter sometimes, which can get a tad on the annoying side. But what guy's mind isn't?

Went with my family to pick up our French exchange student last night....and the chaperone for the group is H-O-T. SUPER SUPER HOT. I actually worked up the nerve to chat with him, and now I can't wait for the group picnic on Sunday. Siiiigh.

I keep thinking someone took a cornucopia full of hot guys and dumped it on me.

heehee - I got excited just reading about your fab weekend! Can we trade places? Just for a few days?? Have fun and kiss the salsa guy this time!! I bet it will be smokin'.