STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Metric · Gucci

open relationships

kenzie · Chanel

Personally, I don't think that it could work for me, but I'm not going to judge someone else for doing it.

On one side, at least if other opportunities arise, it's good to be able to pursue it without sneaking around. However, I know that if I really love someone, I don't *want* to be with anyone but them. I do question how deep your love is for someone if you are still out and dating other people. I'm to the point with my now-ex-boyfriend that I want to date other people b/c I don't feel for him the way I used to. I don't think that an open relationship would work for us. It would just tear us apart more than we already have been by other issues.

I think it's fine to date several people at once as long as you're honest about it. So, I guess that is an open relationship, but at some point, I would expect that you would want to just date one person. But maybe that's just me.

bri · BCBG

i say no way. i dont wanna share my man

-- Edited by bri at 18:15, 2005-07-04

Maddie · Coach

I absolutely couldn't care less about how other people choose to live their romantic lives and I would never judge someone for having an open relationship, but I could never.

I have a really hard time opening up to people (in a friend sense and a romantic sense) so when I do, it's serious. I'm not someone who dates a lot or has any interest in doing so. I don't want to waste my time with people who are ok. I want to be the most important person to whomever I'm with and they will be the most important person to me.

To a certain extent I agree with Nylabelle (for some reason I almost typed PinkOrchid) that I don't know how in love they really are. They probably care about each other a lot, but I think that when you're really in love, other options are so unimportant. Or maybe that's just when I'm in love.

luckylily · Gucci

It wouldn't work for me. I don't want to share my guy at all.

Although, I've always thought of an "open relationship" as one where the couple was absolutely committed to one another, but open to the possibility of having sex with others. I'm kind of like a guy when it comes to sex, it is easy for me to separate sex and emotion. I can see how this could work for some if they were able to keep emotion out of it. It sounds like your friends might be looking for something other than sex in their extra ciricular relationships. To me that sounds like being together until something better comes along. Obviously, you know them better than I do, but that is my interpretation based on your quick comments.

Either way, like Maddie, I don't judge. As far as I'm concerned people can do whatever the hell they want in relationships and sex, as long as it isn't causing anyone unwanted harm.

erin · Chanel

before we were married, my husband and i were non-monogamous. (even when living together) it was fine for awhile, but it just became sticky. a lot of jealousy issues arose, and ultimately he told me i had to choose between him and other people.

i think non-monog can and does work for some people. i don't think it means couples in open relationships don't love each other as much...and i really feel in a lot of cases it is pretty much a sexual thing.

my husband and i are monogamous, but forever is a long time. i don't rule out the possibility that he and i may come to an agreement of don't ask, don't tell some day.

lynnie · Chanel

I could see it working in certain situations- long distance relationships, relationships in college, etc. but not really indefinitely. A lot of people I know that were in open relationships are now either dating/married (monogamously) or broken up. To me, it would be like taking a break for a while, but it would have to have some resolution. I want to be monogamous with someone eventually- not feel like I was always with a different guy. And most likely, I wouldn't sleep around. Maybe date and kiss, but it takes a lot for me to want to sleep with someone. I think that if I was older and had been dating my bf for a long time and wanted an open relationship, then I probably should just break up with him and then we'd hook up as exes if we both felt the same way still. I don't like the idea of seeing other people but still being his gf, I would be scared that one of us would be getting emotionally attached elsewhere.

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

I am totally against the concept. I really think that even people who say they are in one and are okay with it, still fight through the jealousy issues like everything else. The few people I have known who have tried this, lie to themselves when they are really not COMPLETELY okay with it.

bex · Chanel

i'm against it.

but, i do have a friend who is into it with her now-husband and it has backfired on her. she and her now-hubby were spouse swapping with another couple. now the husband of the swap couple has left his wife, declared his undying love for my friend and hounds her constantly. not the best way to start a marriage for my friend (she was just married in april)...

if it can work for you and you are into it- then do it! but be certain that the other party knows it is just a fling!

blubirde · Chanel

what an interesting thread...

i'm personally against it. it's like the other women said, i'd probably be too jealous. that said, i'm not in a relationship, nor do i see myself in one in the near future. i date multiple people and i want it that way, at least for now. i can't really see being with one person for the rest of my life.

to me, though, an open relationship is a lose-lose. you have all the pitfalls of a serious relationship (and let's admit it, there are tedious things that drive people insane when they're seriously with another person) and you have to deal with all the pitfalls of dating too - all at the same time. who wants to have to worry about a boy's bad mood and then worry if another boy wants to see you for a second date? to me that's the worst of both worlds.

i kind of view open relationships like promise rings. a desperate precursor to the breakup.

all that said, i definitely believe that there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to relationships. and all people are not like me (thank god!). so what may be good for the goose could suck ass for the gander. and i'm not about to judge someone who is trying to make it work and figure everything out on their own, especially if they're open-minded enough to try new things - something that might be socially taboo.

poptart · Coach

I agree ... very interesting thread.

I'm going to go ahead and be opinionated and say I am totally against it, in that I wouldn't do it and I don't think other people should either. I think one of the points of serious relationships is that you grow in the sense of your *ability* to be monogomous, which I truly believe is almost a skill that you develop and get better at. It's also something that you begin to understand and appreciate more, the more that you do it. Being in a committed relationship with one person is, in my opinion, one way of growing up and becoming a whole, mature person. It's not the *only* way, but an open relationship isn't even *a* way, IMO.

I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I wouldn't ever be judgmental, in the mean sense, of someone who had an open relationship, but if one of my friend's came to me considering the idea, I would try to discourage him or her, b/c I think it's a selfish step back for the whole human race. Ooh, that sounds harsh. Please know I'm not a jerk!

Andrea Julia · Coach

I would never be in one. No way. If a guy wants to be in a relationship with me, the other girls have to go. I would like to say that I don't care if other people do have them, but I do. What happens to all these other people they date? They get hurt because they are dating someone unavailable. How do they get dates with other people when they are seriously dating someone else? Do they lie and say they are single? I can't think of any girl I know that is going to go out with a guy knowing they have a girlfriend already, whether the relationship is open or not. Seriously, how gross. I don't want to date a guy knowing he is going home to his girlfriend.

sfcaligirl · Dooney & Bourke

blubirde wrote:

i kind of view open relationships like promise rings. a desperate precursor to the breakup. all that said, i definitely believe that there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to relationships. and all people are not like me (thank god!). so what may be good for the goose could suck ass for the gander. and i'm not about to judge someone who is trying to make it work and figure everything out on their own, especially if they're open-minded enough to try new things - something that might be socially taboo.

i completely agree with the open relationship-promise ring connection. both seem like temporary "fixes" for a doomed relationship. like one last attempt to salvage something that both people know isn't right, but are just not ready to give up on yet. but who am i to judge? i guess you never know until you're in the situation.

personally, i can't imagine being in an open relationship- it just wouldn't work for me. i'm waaaay too jealous as it is! (something i need to work on...)

splash · Kenneth Cole

The one friend I have who tries to do this always ends up hurt - he thinks (yes, a guy) that he can separate sex and emotion, and it's never true - he realizes as the relationship falls apart (IMO because it's superficial and open) that he cares emotionally.

For me, the closest I've come, and expect to come, to this is with long distance relationships - in that case, we were exclusive, but said specifically that if either of us found someone in our own area that we were interested in, we should tell the other and pursue it, because that was a lot more likely to work out. It never came up, but having that combination of security and freedom made it less stressful, and I don't think it hurt the relationship.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

yeah I couldn't do it either, for the same reason I don't think I could ever see somebody over an extended period who I knew was seeing other people. I'm too competitive, and too proud. I agree with Maddie, I would have to know that I'm the most important person, to the exclusion of all others. Just as he is the most important person for me. But I can definitely see it being true what some people said, about the sexual vs. emotional connection... and that just totally depends on personality.

And while I wouldn't judge anyone who did it, I'm not sure that it's ultimately a good idea, even if both parties are in complete agreement on the terms going into it. It's like my friend Rose says (a man... he's the best) of those "no strings attached" relationships: either somebody's lying, or somebody changes their mind. Every single damn time. And then somebody winds up getting more hurt than they ever thought they would be.

I agree with AJ, too, about the other people outside the open relationship... there are plenty of guys and girls who would not have a problem being with someone who is in a relationship but it just gets tangled and sticky really quickly. Maybe some guy is OK with it the first couple times he sleeps with the girl but then starts to really like her and thinks maybe she'll break up with the BF and then it all goes downhill from there.

nunzi182 · Kate Spade

I hate to sound like an old person here, but what about diseases and things of that nature? Are these people that you guys know in these situations protecting themselves and their permanent partners? It just doesn't seem worth it to me.

deadlyjane · BCBG

My boyfriend and I did this when we first met each other, kinda. He was with someone and so was I, his fiance didn't know about us but my ex did. Ive always been like that untill I met my current bf. Every guy had a quality that I liked but my bf has all those qualities squashed into him. Dating like that is great but if you are looking for the ONE then its not.