STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

I am confused- D dated him, but M liked him too?  It's not like M has any claims on him.  If anything, D has the right to be mad, not M.  I would lay low for a while, tell her you're sorry that she's mad, and then do whatever the heck you please.  If the chemistry is there, you should definitely keep seeing him.

I think M is acting immature.  I don't even get why she is angry with you--does she like the guy too?  If you and this guy like each other, see him and see where it takes you.  It is too bad that your friend is getting angry about it, but hopefully she will see how she is wrong.  If awhile passes and she is still angry, you might have to stop talking to the guy in order to save the friendship...but if it came down to that, I would have to question whether it was worth saving.  Sorry this had to happen...you would think by the time you are done with high school or even college, this drama wouldn't happen anymore...but no. 

Okay, maybe I'm a bad person, too, but I don't think you did anything wrong.  It doesn't sound as if M and this guy had any kind of relationship whatsoever. So, she liked him?  So what?  Now you're supposed to avoid him and be miserable, he might want to see you and can't b/c you're avoiding him, so now he's miserable and M is miserable b/c he still doesn't like her.  It doesn't make sense to me. 

I understand the whole issue of being friends and not stepping on anyone's toes, but this girl had no claim to this guy and it's not as if you guys are in high school (unfortunately, she is still in college and probably has a much different mentality than someone four years out of school).  If she won't talk to you, let her stew in her juices for a while.  She'll probably come around eventually and if she doesn't, was she really that good of a friend? Last I checked friends wanted each other to be happy and it's not as if you two had a pact that you wouldn't date this guy.  Just give M some time.  She'll bounce back.

There are two ways of looking at this imo.

1) As a friend, I might feel hurt if another one of my friends went after a guy I liked, especially if I told her it would upset me. However, you said she didn't tell you she liked the guy so really she can't blame you for not knowing something right?

2) M is completely self-centered and I'd be pissed as hell if she had the nerve to get mad at me for going after a guy that was completely single and had no ties to any of my close girlfriends. Especially since she's acting so incredibly immature about the whole thing. If she really had a problem with the situation (and let's acknowledge that she does and as a friend you care about her feelings, wrong or right as they are) she should have come to you and y'all could have worked the whole thing out once you each understood each other's feelings on the subject.

If the situation is as you describe it, I wouldn't feel bad AT ALL. You did nothing wrong. I wouldn't want my friend to be mad at me but it's really her problem, not yours. I'd just chill and let her come to you when she decides to get over it.

Hope you and the guy work out!

n/m

-- Edited by Andrea Julia at 23:34, 2006-01-28

give me a break.  it's hard enough to find a guy you actually have a connection w/, now you're supposed to clear it w/ every single friend to make sure she's not harboring secret unrequited feelings?  that's sounds kind of unreasonable to me.   

also, this thing w/ you and the guy doesn't have to turn into something special just because m's throwing a fit.  in fact that's the thing i'd be warn against the most--DO NOT put any undue pressure on yourself or this guy because of m's feelings.  she really has nothing to do w/ you two.  i'm sorry she likes him and he doesn't like her back, that always sucks but none of that has anything to do w/ you.

as for what to say to m, just be nice, say i'm so sorry you're hurting but i really think guy and i made a real connection.  sorry.  if she continues to rant just repeat the above.

good luck and keep us posted!!

whoa AJ, i was in the exact same situation last fall!  i ended up apologizing to my friend, but continuing to date the guy because i really felt like i wasn't doing anything wrong.  i'm not a mind reader, so i had no idea that my friend would be pissed if i started seeing this particular guy.  i mean, what are you supposed to do, let a great opportunity slip by with a guy that you really connect with just because she has a crush??  she has no claim on him whatsoever!

and i know what you mean about the "pressure."  i felt the same way and was kind of embarrassed when things ended with my guy only a month later.  but i'm still glad that i pursued something with him and didn't let her territorial complex get in the way.

go for it!  don't worry about her or anybody else.  he obviously likes YOU and not her.  just see where it goes...  good luck!  (maybe you can get over your supposed "commitment issues" with this one!  haha )

n/m

-- Edited by Andrea Julia at 23:34, 2006-01-28

I think your friend is definitely being unreasonable and dramatic, but, personally, i would probably just back off.  i know i'm alone in this opinion, but, i think a friendship isn't worth losing over a guy, especially a guy that you might not even hear from again.  She obviously feels really strongly about this, so unless you think this guy is worth losing a friendship over, I would just respect her feelings, even if you disagree with them.

I had a friend who I had known my entire life, considered her a sister, etc., and I introduced her to a guy I was seeing, not really a boyfriend, and drama happened, and she ended up basically choosing him over me.  it's not at all the same situation, but a 12 year friendship ended over some loser guy (and they did end up breaking up).

So my opinion is definitely biased, but I just wanted to share my experience...I don't think you're wrong though, she's definitely not being fair, but, looking back, I wish I didn't take what happened so personally, and just let her have the loser boy, and saved the friendship, even if she was in the wrong.  he just wasn't worth it.