STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

killa · Dooney & Bourke

Am I overreacting?

lynnie · Chanel

I would feel the same way, so in that sense, even if it is over-reacting, most people would feel that way. It makes it feel more permanent, and like he just wants someone else. I know that when my bf and I broke up for a couple of months, I didn't even bother with those online things- I didn't want to change the status because it hurt so much. I didn't feel "single and ready to mingle"- I just felt hurt and wanted to be alone for a while. I didn't take my pictures down or anything either- I would do it when I was ready- which for me would be a few months at least (we got back together though.) Was he the guy that wasn't ready for a serious relationship?

killa · Dooney & Bourke

No, I think he is ready for a serious relationship, but the problem with us was that we both just wanted different things/characteristics in people.

He wanted to analyze and talk things to death. I wanted to discuss a problem, find a solution and be done with it.

He is a leaf in a stream. I am more comfortable feeling secure.

He free-lances. I need a full-time job with stable income.

He wants to move to a bigger city (LA or NYC) and rely on public transportation. I want to own a car and drive.

ETC.

blubirde · Chanel

I was just talking with a friend about something similar recently. Boys just can't be alone. I don't know why. The second they're out of one thing, they jump into another because they can't help themselves. I think they don't know what alone means.

One of my exes (of a multi-year relationship) went out with a new girl (someone he didn't even know) the day after we broke up. Technically the same day because our breaking up lasted into the wee hours of the morning. At first I was really hurt but you know, I just ended up feeling sorry for him. I took the time I needed to heal and reacquaint me with me. He didn't and he ended up way more f'ed up than I ever was.

I think it's okay to be honest with him (saying you still miss him) but really what he does now with his social life is his deal. It sucks, especially since it's right in your face and so soon, but does it really matter? It's going to hurt when he starts dating again no matter what. Maybe it's better to get all the pain over with at the beginning instead of having it drag on forever.

I'm not defending him by any means but I've been there and I'm giving you the rationale I tried to tell myself back then to help me through it. It helped thinking I was going to be the healthy one in the long run and he was going to be stuck roaming from woman to woman trying to find what he thinks he's looking for when really he's just looking for himself. But what can you say? Boys are stupid. I hope you feel better soon. It'll be okay.

jess · Kenneth Cole

Hi killa! Sorry to hear about your breakup, they suck and I wish there were a simple solution to moving on! I completely understand how you feel. The breakup w/my ex lasted like 2 mons. or so. During that time, we talked & saw eachother & when I went to use his computer, I saw that he had been hitting up match.com. I was like, WTF? I went to the website & his username was entered in, thanks to cookies. So, later on I checked out his profile & I was just floored.

I think its in their nature to try & hook up, maybe its their way of coping. Either way, it hurts to know what they're up to. My ex started dating someone like maybe a month after we stopped talking, and thats really just when I found out about it (a friend let it slip that they went to the TX-OU game together in Dallas). It was probably even earlier. I couldnt THINK of dating anyone else at that time. After 3 yrs. in a relationship, you'd think he wouldn't want to jump back into one- but he did. I dont know what goes through their mind, but I know that at least I've given myself time to heal & move on.

If you guys are absolutely sure that breaking up is the right step, then you need to not talk to eachother or see eachother. It only hurts more in the long run. Take care & we're here for you!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

that would really upset me too. honestly, i don't see how it couldn't bother a girl to see her very recent ex doing that, even if the breakup was mutual. i agree that this is about him not wanting to be alone. also, he is probably feeling some kind of rejection, like he's not good enough/together enough for you, so he has to run out and try to find someone else right away and then not have to actually go through the difficulty of self examination as to why he had a breakup and realize what he needs to do to grow from this. we're girls, we do that naturally!

the good thing is you know you broke up for the right reasons. he sounds like he was not the right match for you, and eventually what kind of annoyed you about him now would have blown up into something worse, like bitterness or full-on dislike or disgust. during one break-up when i was feeling sad, i'd remind myself of why my ex and i were no longer together, and why it would have been a disaster if we'd kept seeing each other or even gotten married. so, while it was painful then, i knew it was for the best, and better to go through it then as opposed to being together longer, getting our lives more intertwined, and then having an even more painful breakup later on.

you are definitely the healthier person here and you're better off than your ex.

Andrea Julia · Coach

killa wrote:

Ok, I recently posted that my boyfriend and I broke up a week ago. I have a Friendster account, but very rarely log on. Well, today I got a Friendster-related e-mail and opened it. It said: This friend has updated his profile. It was my recent ex-bf of 1.5 years. So, of course, I had to check out his new profile, right? Well, just TWO days ... not even ... after we "broke up," he changed his profile to read SINGLE and also changed his "what I am looking for" to include a list of things that I felt like were the things missing from our relationship. I am just beside myself right now. This past week has been hard, but I have been ok. We are still talking. I just told him that I missed him earlier today, because I do. (This is a mutual breakup.) Now I am really really pissed at him. It just hurt to read that stuff ... the stuff that he changed TWO days after. I feel like taking a vow to not talk to him anymore, but first, I am going to tell him how I feel. Am I overreacting??

Wow, this same thing happened to me when my last serious boyfriend and I broke up. Immediately he changed his status on everything: his friendster, his myspace, his yahoo profile. It was like he had to immediately be rid of the relationship. He also, like your ex, added what he was looking for in a relationship in such a way that it was attacking our relationship. He added stuff like he needs someone who can trust him (he majorly lied to me about still talking to his totally obsessed ex and another big thing, that is why I did not trust him and we broke up) and even went so far as to add age parameters for girls younger than me.

You are NOT overreacting, but I also wouldn't let him know it bothers me, because that, my dear, is what he wants.

Karina · Chanel

That would upset me also, but I wouldn't waste my time to tell him "how I feel".

sfcaligirl · Dooney & Bourke

ouch, that hurts. what is it with guys anyway?? i agree with the others who said that he's doing this as a coping mechanism so he doesn't have to deal with the reality of your breakup. lame! so sorry you're going through this, but it must help to know that you're not alone. we've all been there before. my ex-boyfriend hooked up with some random chick the weekend after we broke up and i remember being absolutely devastated. i could barely look at another guy yet, and he was off getting his groove on! it's sickening. boys really do suck.....

hang in there, time heals all wounds...

(((((hugs))))))

Vanessa · Kate Spade

killa, I so understand what you mean. When my six-year relationship ended last year, one of my best friends (who went through a pretty bad breakup a couple of years ago) gave me the book "Mars and Venus Starting Over". Now, I've read the mars/venus book and am not really into the whole thing, but it was so helpful because:

A. it helped me realize I was not alone and what I was feeling has been felt by millions of people and they've all gotten through it. The book does a good job of detailing feelings, something I'm not so good with.

B. it is divided in three sections, 1st one for both genders, 2nd/3rd for what men/women go through and how differently they deal with breakups. I remember reading the men section and vividly recall it saying that men are normally so goal-oriented that they want their pain to go away as quickly as possible so they move on much faster than women, to mask their pain, pretend everything is okay and so on. Whereas it says that women normally take much longer "feeling the pain". The good news is that once we're over it, we're over it (according to this book anyway), whereas men might go out with a ton of girls to get immediate relief but will eventually relapse and not really get over it as quickly as it seems. Which by the way, I've found to be true as a guy I dated a loooong time ago who married the next girl he met almost immediately still to this day is not over me.

There might be some truth to it, or it might be mumbo-jumbo, but it was a good read and it did help rationalize my feelings. It's entertaining at the least... check your local library.

And cheer up! After my breakup I was devastated and miserable and now I can honestly say I have not been this happy in years, and I'm single!

killa · Dooney & Bourke

Thank you, everyone for your advice and support.
You are all so nice.

Well, he just so happened to call me right after I posted this question on here and I pretty much told him how I was feeling.

He said he was sorry, he was really mad at me at the time and he would change his status back. I was, of course, like, no no no, I don't want that. I just wanted him to know how it made me feel and that changing MY status was the last thing on my mind.

We ended up getting together then, last night.
Now, I think we took a step backwards.

I hadn't seen him since BEFORE we broke up. We have a long-distance relationship for the most part, so we broke up over the phone and hadn't really discussed much or seen each other since.

Anyway, we both said things you don't say to someone you are broken up with.
Like I love you, I miss you, etc.

The bottom line is, we need time apart, and we're not doing it.
It feels too good to be together when we're both in pain.

I know, I know.