STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

kenzie · Chanel

Argh! Ack! I hate relationships!

lsubatgirl · Gucci

I'm sorry you had to deal with that this morning. It just seems like he doesn't value you as a girlfriend and you deserve someone who will. Do you have any other options right now? I remember you got a new job. Can you afford to move or is it too soon? I know you've mentioned before you couldn't afford to move at the moment.

fashionista L · Coach

whoa!! you deserve so much better!! He is totally out of line and who does this ex roomate loser think he is?? What a jerk!! You guys need to have a long talk about expectations in the relationship so this doesn't happen again! I can't believe he would accuse you of cheating when he is the one staying out till 10 am with his phone off, if anyone should be suspicious, it should be you!! I am so sorry you had such a terrible morning!! I think you need to reevaluate the relationship, because he doesn't sound like he is valuing you, just taking you for granted!!

shopgirl82 · Chanel

i WOULD NOT be cool with my bf staying out till 10 AM. that's super suspicious and super shady. i agree with the what the other girls said too.

FashionPrincess · Hermes

shopgirl82 wrote:

i WOULD NOT be cool with my bf staying out till 10 AM. that's super suspicious and super shady.

Agreed! And the fact that he was so fast to accuse you of cheating would send up a red flag for me!

carmenb513 · Coach

FashionPrincess wrote:

Agreed! And the fact that he was so fast to accuse you of cheating would send up a red flag for me!

I'd be more alarmed at the fact that he pout of the blue started accusing me of cheating. It has been my experience that when a guy does thia he is usually doing something himself he has no business doing!

I hope that things shake out for ya!

daiz519 · Dooney & Bourke

That really sucks, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hate the hypocritical part--it's ok for him to stay out late but not you?? And when you're out it means he's cheating on you? It's his fault for "not allowing" you to hang out with him. Did he expect you to sit home and wait for him? I hope things work out for you, keep us updated on the situation.

kenzie · Chanel

carmenb513 wrote:

FashionPrincess wrote: Agreed! And the fact that he was so fast to accuse you of cheating would send up a red flag for me! I'd be more alarmed at the fact that he pout of the blue started accusing me of cheating. It has been my experience that when a guy does thia he is usually doing something himself he has no business doing! I hope that things shake out for ya!

This is what I said to him, too. But, in his defense, he has only stayed out til 10 once or twice and that was when he went up to his friend's house who lives an hour or so away and he got too trashed to drive home, so he stayed on the couch. If I were at a friend's house who lived an hour away, I would do my best to stay sober so that I could drive home. I'm just not into the frat boy lifestyle of crashing on people's couches. I outgrew that long ago.

I think he's paranoid about me b/c he knows I cheated on my ex (who some of you may remember; but then, my ex cheated on me every weekend--I'm not kidding, I found this out later). But the difference is, my current bf and I live together and he's home every night (with the exception of those one or two times).

I'm more irked b/c he freaked out at me for going out. But we talked yesterday and he said that he was pissed, not b/c I went out, but b/c I went over to a guy's house. But it's not like it was just that guy at the house. He had a bunch of friends over (guys and girls). But, whatever.

We actually aren't going to be living together soon b/c he is selling the house we are living in and moving in temporarily with his parents before he moves to where he got his promotion. I don't know if I'm moving with him then or not. We'll have to see. I have until November to figure that out.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

nylabelle, you can take this with a huge grain of salt, as you know your boyfriend and your relationship better than anyone. please just take this as someone trying to give you some helpful words. but to me it sounds like he is not a good boyfriend to you at all, and that this is not a good relationship. he doesn't seem to respect you in regards to his friends. the fact that he is still friends with the person from the super bowl incident, and then allowed his friend this weekend to yell at you, swear at you and call you names, is inexcusable. he's putting his friends before you whenever there is conflict. how can a relationship be good when he's essentially setting you and his friends at odds with each other? how are you supposed to share your lives together when this dynamic exists? think about how this will play out in other situations if you continue to be together. can you spend your life with someone who does this to you? also, considering he "forbade" you to go out with him and his friends, he has no right to tell you not to go to your friends house. what were you supposed to do, sit home all night while he gets wasted and turns his phone off? i'm sorry you had to deal with this, it sounds horrible.

lynnie · Chanel

I know how it feels to write something when you're so angry and then calm down later after you think/talk about it. But you wrote "I am so over this stupid freaking relationship." That says it all. I think that once you separate yourself from the drama for a while, you'll see that you don't want it anymore. He needs to grow up more. Unfortunately, that's not something you can change about him/ nag him to do. I'm a little concerned by his choice in friends. It's not everything, but you can tell a lot about someone by the people they're friends with. I can't believe what his friends have done to you. They sound absolutely terrible. I am sorry you have to go through this!

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I second everything Scarlett said - I really think you deserve better. But I know how hard it is to leave a relationship. Even if most of it is not working, the one little part of it that is makes me want to excuse everything else. Seriously though, it couldn't hurt to add up the amount of time you spend trying to get him to treat you the way he should. I bet it's more than 1/3 of the time you spend together. Again though, I could be wrong and I know it's hard.

Anyway, I know that no one ever really knows what's going on in another relationship. And I'm sure what shows up on this board isn't the whole picture. So I'm just wishing you the best.. good luck sweetie.

kenzie · Chanel

scarlett wrote:

nylabelle, you can take this with a huge grain of salt, as you know your boyfriend and your relationship better than anyone. please just take this as someone trying to give you some helpful words. but to me it sounds like he is not a good boyfriend to you at all, and that this is not a good relationship. he doesn't seem to respect you in regards to his friends. the fact that he is still friends with the person from the super bowl incident, and then allowed his friend this weekend to yell at you, swear at you and call you names, is inexcusable. he's putting his friends before you whenever there is conflict. how can a relationship be good when he's essentially setting you and his friends at odds with each other? how are you supposed to share your lives together when this dynamic exists? think about how this will play out in other situations if you continue to be together. can you spend your life with someone who does this to you? also, considering he "forbade" you to go out with him and his friends, he has no right to tell you not to go to your friends house. what were you supposed to do, sit home all night while he gets wasted and turns his phone off? i'm sorry you had to deal with this, it sounds horrible.

Yes, I've had this discussion with him as well. I told him that his choice in friends is a reflection on him. Granted, he has some friends that I really, really like and get along with well. However, these two morons that he insists on keeping around b/c 'he's known them forever' and doesn't want to 'break-up' with them, really need to go.

I told him yesterday that I'm not really sure that I want to continue a relationship with someone who has friends like this. I mean, if we were to get married (which we have discussed in depth), I would not want these idiots at my wedding and he would. Why in the hell would I want miserable people like that at my wedding? So that they can call me names and cause trouble? No thanks.

I really don't know what I'm going to do. I think it will help to not live in the same house with him anymore. I just need to collect my thoughts and figure out what to do next.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

i think you are right that not living with him will be helpful in figuring out what you want to do. it will give you some distance and some perspective on the situation. contemplating ending a relationship is really difficult, so i totally sympathize with what you are facing.

one other thing: it's great that he has friends that are good guys who you like. it's a relief to hear he doesn't only hang out with moronic, aging frat boys. ;) i will add, however, that not wanting the two jerks at your wedding is small compared to the fact that they'll be his friends and around for many other events and times besides the day you get married.

good luck and take care of yourself as you're dealing with this. i really, really hope it works out for you.

dc · Dooney & Bourke

nylabelle, this is a bit of tough love, so please take it for what it is - a completely objective opinion based only upon reading your posts.

what concerns me here is not that he has shitty friends (that sucks, but lots of people have shitty friends). It's how he allows them to treat you. That's tantamount to treating you that way himself. I remember being a bit disgusted with him (pardon me, I don't know him, so let's say I was disgusted with your description of him) when you related the whole superbowl incident. I just hate to think of you being around this crap. And now he went along with it when they forbid you to join in their plans (not that you'd want to, but the fact that this is FINE with him - fine enough that he'd go out with them anyway - is messed up) and he gets pissed that you weren't sitting home like the little lady.

Think about the way he took his friends' side this time and allowed his friend to verbally abuse you as well. The way he accused you of cheating on him. The way he still hangs with the people who beat you up. The way that night he just hung back drunkenly while they abused you. Is THAT someone you want to trust with your future and well-being?

My comments are entirely based upon what you've said, but I really think you need to lose this guy. He sounds, well, like a loser (not saying he IS - I don't know him.. it's just what flashes in my mind). It does not sound like he is doing anything to improve your life, and I FIRMLY believe (and I know you do - you have said as much when you have been single) that there is no reason to be with someone who doesn't bring something to the table that makes your life better. I do not think that bringing violent and abusive friends, drunken lameass frat boys, and baseless accusations of cheating into your life equates to an improvement. I am sure he has lots of positive qualities, but I can't imagine that they outweigh this bullshit, I am sorry. It's unforgiveable in an adult relationship.

Yes, relationships take "work," but that type of work does NOT mean putting up with this sort of bullshit and letting someone treat you like crap - the work they are talking about in that cliche is compromise and mutual respect between mature adults. And frankly it does not sound like you're getting much in the way of respect and very little compromise, and I also do not think this sounds like a very mature person.

You are SO MUCH BETTER than this. Reading this, and your past posts about the sitatioon - make me really mad. I know I am only hearing one side, and I am hearing you when you're angry, but the facts are what they are. He doesn't deserve you.

Think about if you'd be happier single and independant. You're starting a new job.... maybe it's the time for a fresh start. Please think hard about this.

-- Edited by dc at 23:06, 2005-06-20

jacL · Coach

I have a real problem with how he lets his friends treat you--he still hangs out with that guy from the Super Bowl and let the ex-roomie yell at you and call you a bitch?!? I know there is so much more to the story (he is not such a bad guy, you love him, etc), but you cannot allow yourself to be treated that way.