STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Metric · Gucci

Hey Drew...

Tati · Chanel

I've been wondering the same thing. I just didn't want to bring it up, dont know why.

member · Hermes

I've been wondering the same thing too! I didn't want to be nosey either. Let us know Drew!

poptart · Coach

shopchicago33 wrote:

I've been wondering the same thing too! I didn't want to be nosey either. Let us know Drew!

Ditto!

Drew · Gucci

Ugh. No.

I doubt we will have our little spontaneous wedding after all. We went so far as getting the rings, but I never did find anything to wear, and stopped looking. SO decided he really wanted to tell his family first, instead of "doing it behind their back." I look at it very differently. I don't feel like it is doing anything behind anyone's back. Really, IMO it's noones business but ours (yeah, I know that could easily be argued against, but it's my opinion). SO told one of his brothers and his mother about it and they were both against an elopement (duh!). His mom told him to speak with his father about it. I asked SO how we would proceed should his father be against our plan, and SO said he wouldn't disrespect his father's objection; if his dad wants a church wedding, then that is what we would do. Then I asked who will plan this. SO said his dad could set it up, to which I looked at him like he had two heads. Let me just go through that scenario; Dad goes to his church and tells the priest his son would like to get married and can they just set the date? Am I crazy to think it works nothing like that at all? Don't we have to meet with the church and go through the counseling and crap? This would be an Orthodox Coptic church, which I don't belong to, although I am baptized Catholic. I am not converting or taking any dumb-ass classes to get married in a church that I am not even comfortable in (the men and women sit on different sides of the church; church is like four hours long; it's just weird and different than what I am used to).

SO is very open about telling me how his parents would be oh-so happy if he would break up with me. They think I am crazy, but then they don't like any of their son's choices in women (they think their married son's wife is barren because she hasn't gotten pregnant since their October wedding, and she is ON BIRTH CONTROL; they also think she is barren from taking birth control and smoking and drinking too much while she was in college; they don't like their other son's girlfriend because she is with Doctor's Without Borders and is often in Africa doing charity work -how could she, what's wrong with her?).

Honestly, the whole thing really bothers me. All I want is to be his wife. I thought I made that clear when I suggested we elope. More honesty; I really would love to have a nice wedding and a reception, but SO hates spending money. I admit the money could be better spent on a car or towards paying off the mortgage, but right now we are not doing anything. No elopement, no wedding, so it's nothing. I told him he is making me look like a fool to everyone around us. I told him it looks like he doesn't want to marry me, like he is stringing me along like so many men have done to women. We have been engaged for six years, and honestly I am at my wits end. No, I would never leave him, but this whole thing really, really hurts my feelings.

I have talked to him about how I feel on several occasions and he apologizes and tells me he is sorry and we will get married soon, but he keeps putting it off. If I don't bring it up, it's never brought up. If I get a little nasty and start making demands he gets on the defense telling me that he is really focusing on the business right now, and he really wants to grow the business, and we are on the cusp of really doing big things, but he has to focus on the business to make them happen, and why can't I just be supportive; doesn't he let me spend all the money I want on clothes, and why do I complain when all I do is sit in the office all day while he does the hard work? So how do I respond to that? I feel awful and tell him I am sorry for not being supportive enough. Then I start to think it's no big deal and I should just give him the time he needs. He swears the business will be where he wants it to be within a few years. I hate/love the business. On one hand it has brought us a lot of success, and on the other hand it has taken SO from me; he is always stressed about the business and never seems to be "off" work. He sleeps with his cell phone.

I know our relationship, but I am at the point where I am embarressed. By embarressed I mean that people on the outside (everyone we know) doesn't understand why we aren't married and what we are doing. I just hate looking like a fool.

You didn't ask for all this, but I guess I need to vent, huh?

luckylily · Gucci

Drew - {{{{big hugs}}}}

I don't think you look like a fool at all. I know several couples that have been together 20+ years and aren't married, their relationships are just as committed and strong as any marriage. If anyone thinks any less of your relationship because you aren't married yet, they are being just plain silly.

That said, if you want to get married, I think your SO should respect that. Frankly, I can't even get my head around why people's families get to give input on the wedding. Whose marriage is it anyway? IMO, a wedding is between the bride and groom, and how the ceremony is done should be completely their choice. I know some will disagree w/ this, but I think it is totally rediculous when families think they are somehow entitled to be involved in the wedding. Having a private ceremony does not equal a disrespect for your family.

I wish I had some great advise to offer you, but it sounds like you've already talked to your SO about this stuff quite a bit.

Hang in there. It seems like you guys have a really great relationship, I'm sure he'll come around.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

drew, you have pm. don't worry, it'll work out, k?

Karina · Chanel

I wish I had good advice, but I don't... FH and I have been engaged for over a year and a half, and have went back and forth on how we're going to get married. We finally decided on concrete plans and that isn't even until next year... I totally symphetize (sp?) with you. Big hugs going your way.

Cricket · Gucci

Sorry Drew. I don't have any advice, but I feel for ya. I hope FH comes around and sees the light! Why would he want to wait to marry an awesome woman like you?

poptart · Coach

I couldn't agree more with the other girls. It sounds like you've made reasonable choices and talked to the FH and done all you can do. I wish you the best, for sure. I hope things turn the corner soon, and remember we're always here if you need to vent and none of *us* think you are ridiculous.

-- Edited by Lisa at 18:52, 2005-06-16

Tati · Chanel

sorry to hear about what your going through, wish I could make it better for you.

Screw what his parents or anyone says or may think. All that matters is your relationship with this man that you obvisiously love

atlgirl · Gucci

Oh Drew, I'm so sorry! You've been going through quite a bit, haven't you?? *hugs*

You do NOT look like a fool. It's nobody's business - and who cares what others think - how long you've been engaged...as long as you and he are happy. You have always come across to me in your posts as a strong, modern, independent woman, and I don't think you should give two hoots what someone else might think about your engagment. *s*

What would happen if you set everything up for the "spontaneous" wedding and just get him there? It might not be as spontaneous overall, but if your true goal is simply to be his wife, then the spontaneity of the whole thing is not as important (besides, it wouldn't exactly be spontaneous if you planned a big wedding anyway).

I think you two should do what works best for you two - his family is important, but not more important than your relationship. And IME, people do get over things (I mean, if his family got upset that you didn't do the church wedding) eventually. And if they don't - well, it would be a bit difficult, but not the end of the world. I love my family and DH loves his, but they don't dictate what we do or don't do with our lives,a nd I'd hope your SO wouldn't allow his to do so either.

If I get a little nasty and start making demands he gets on the defense telling me that he is really focusing on the business right now, and he really wants to grow the business, and we are on the cusp of really doing big things, but he has to focus on the business to make them happen, and why can't I just be supportive; doesn't he let me spend all the money I want on clothes, and why do I complain when all I do is sit in the office all day while he does the hard work? So how do I respond to that? I feel awful and tell him I am sorry for not being supportive enough. Then I start to think it's no big deal and I should just give him the time he needs. He swears the business will be where he wants it to be within a few years. I hate/love the business. On one hand it has brought us a lot of success, and on the other hand it has taken SO from me; he is always stressed about the business and never seems to be "off" work. He sleeps with his cell phone.

Ah, the joys of entrepreneurship. I have run into this with my DH - I have my own business - and we still haven't quite worked out all the kinks. I don't have a storefront; I work from home, but it's still hard to turn it off when you are the only person wearing all the hats; a million things always seem to need to be done. And when you're in the growth stage, you want to capitalize on every opportunity. But don't let him tell you that you're not doing your fair share by "sitting in the office all day"! I'm sure you both have quite integral parts to the business and it's unfair of him to belittle what you do for it.

As for swearing that the biz wil be where he wants in in a few years - there's always some other goal to chase; it's not like you get to the point where it just coasts along by itself. He sounds very hands on and I doubt that he'll end up just being a hands-off type in a few years. Nothing wrong with being invested in your own business, but a balance needs to exist. I wouldn't let him use that as an excuse for putting off marriage either - life is short, and the work will always be there. And y'know, people get married right out of high school or college and start with nothing sometimes, instead of waiting for things to be exactly how they'd like them....

One thing that's worked for me and DH is to actually set a night where I don't work late (I'm a night owl, so am often working after he comes home) - where our focus is on each other. Even if it's just a nice dinner at home and chat, though many times it's going out to eat and just focusing on each other. It doesn't have to be somewhere fancy or expensive, just a nice place to enjoy each other's company. Oh -and all work discussions are tabled until the next day (or whenever) - only fun stuff for those nights! You might try that and see if it helps...

Ultimately, of course, no one can tell you how to run your relationship (though in-laws and ST'ers may try LOL) - that's between you and your man. I hope you two can work through this and come to some resolution about the wedding soon; I hate to hear that you are so unhappy right now.

-- Edited by atlgirl at 19:12, 2005-06-16

honey · Gucci

(((hugs))) i'm sorry you're going through this, and while i can't relate, i definitely feel for you. i actually understand where your SO is coming from (not that i agree in anyway with him) but i have a very domineering mom who has disliked every person my siblings and i have dated. (the drama we went through over my brother's last gf who was a different race...i was in the car with my mom once, she prays everytime she gets in the car and in her prayer she asked God to break up my bro & his gf -- the really sad thing is this is not the first break-up prayer she's said). and i know how difficult it can be to go against your parents wishes when you were raised in a culture where family is EVERYTHING.

it seems to me that he realizes the nature of the situation and will eventually come around. not to sound placating in anyway, but i feel in his heart he does want the best for you guys (not that i need to tell you that) in the interim f* everybody else. you don't have to justify your life to anyone.

Drew · Gucci

Wow. I really appreciate the support, so thanks ladies.

SO and I had another talk last night. I won't go into the intimate details (I feel I already divulged too much), but I feel a lot better today about things.

Honey, I think you share SO's experience with the parents/sibling SO's thing; your mom sounds just like his mom. They mean well, but it is frustrating they don't trust their children; they raised them, they should trust they will do the right thing.

atlgirl, I knew he was full of it when he said the business will be where he wants it to be in a few years; thank you for re-affirming that for me. As for a dedicated date night each week, that just won't work for us, because I never know the day(s) that week when he'll be fuming all evening over some incident (usually just thinking of worst case scenarios that never happen). He promises to work on his stress level though. To be fair he does have a much tougher job, but that is just the nature of what we do.

I know we'll be fine. We'll be married this year (he promises) and no matter how it is done or who is there to witness it I know it will be special.

Thanks again, ladies. I promise to tell you all when it finally happens.