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Post Info TOPIC: Dating Books & my situation-LONG
jess


Kenneth Cole

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Dating Books & my situation-LONG
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Ok, so I've read He's Just Not that Into You & this weekend I browsed through, Mars & Venus on a Date. Have any of you read these two?  They say totally opposite things, not that Im following the advice strictly on either- Im just curious as to ya'lls take on the situation.


He's Just Not that Into You, says if he doesnt call when he say he does, etc. . well - see title.  The other says which is where my eyes tend to start to roll, "men are like rubber bands, they will pursue & then when they start having feelings, they pull back & eventually will snap back."  This is not so barfy: It says women should give a friendly call on a different subject, as to let them know they arent pissed or will not ask 20 questions as to why they havent picked up the phone.  This I have practiced & seems to not be as bad as just deleting & deciding "hes just not that into me."


Let me just say, that I HATE being in limbo about someone. . . I met this guy on St. Patty's day, he's nice- not a jerk.  He reads for heaven's sake, not just Maxim (which is rare i find).  He even keeps a journal!  Ok, I might sound easy to impress - but not really.  Anyway, at first he was really sporadic with the calls, then all of a sudden when we were hanging out one night- we just really, really clicked.  I was telling him that basically the last year of my life has been a blur due to all the partying & stuff.  I told him, "Im newly single, ok- its been more than a year" but he got my drift & said that he's in the same boat, but he's been single for 2.  After that, he was calling more & we were seeing eachother pretty regularly.  Well, all of a sudden- i dont hear from him for like 4 or 5 days which was kinda unusal.  So then he calls me last Wed from the midnight Star Wars premiere saying how he wants to hang out with me the next day, sorry for not calling lately, just wanted to let me know that he had not fallen off the face of the earth, blah blah blah.  Come thursday, he didnt even call me!! I was pissed, needless to say.  So I em'd him on Fri, asked him if he remembered talking to me in his midst of drinks & star wars, he says yes that he meant to just take a short nap & he slept all night.  WTF?  So, this past weekend he was running in Corpus & he calls me like 10x's Sunday, (drunk) wanting me to go meet him at this bar.  I, have a desperate housewives viewing thing going on, so he insists i come by after.  So, stupid me- i do & he's wasted. He kept hugging me & was like, "I missed you" which is strange bc we never really say stuff like this.  Then he caught himself, "A little."  Haha, whatever. 


I cant read him!  Should I say the hell with this? Am i being hasty? What is it exactly that I expect from him anyway?  Is this how the dating thing goes, or should I take it like since our "click" convo that he just wants someone to hang out with casually?  Grrr. My problem is that I could see my feelings for him growing, should I just pull out of this now? 



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blink


Coach

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I haven't read mars and venus on a date, but I have read the original men are from mars....anyway, I pretty much disagree with the mar venus argument, so I vote to disregard this book.  I like the common sense of he's just not that into you, but I have not read the book, I have only read reviews and such, but I know I agree with the philosophy.


About this guy, you don't know what's going to happen next, neither does any author, so your best bet is to take control over what action you take.  I prefer to use The Rules behavior in these situations, and take no action, such as calling.  It's not as complicated or as cheesy as it sounds, just basically don't be readily available to him, don't wait around for him, and definitely don't call him.  A lot of people disagree about this and certainly there are shy guys out there, but no one can argue it's a safe bet to restrain yourself.



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poptart


Coach

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Disclaimer: Please don't mistake my "short and sweet" for rude.


He sounds unreliable. Unreliable=bad. You deserve better!


All this "he's not that into you" is all well and good, but for me the bottom line is: does he cause you to want to ask "What is going on here?" If he does, he's bad. Or at least, he's not for you.



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Andrea Julia


Coach

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quote:
Originally posted by: lorelei
"About this guy, you don't know what's going to happen next, neither does any author, so your best bet is to take control over what action you take.  I prefer to use The Rules behavior in these situations, and take no action, such as calling.  It's not as complicated or as cheesy as it sounds, just basically don't be readily available to him, don't wait around for him, and definitely don't call him.  A lot of people disagree about this and certainly there are shy guys out there, but no one can argue it's a safe bet to restrain yourself."

I agree with this approach. 


I wouldn't rule him out completely, but I wouldn't give him treatment as someone special in my life either.  I would definitely feel free (and maybe even compelled) to see other people and fill up my weekends with my friends instead of keeping a night open for him.  I find that there are 2 things that can result from this:



  • He stops calling because he doesn't have enough interest to make that much of an effort

  • He starts being more attentive again

As for dating books, I kind of just pull what I like from all of them. 



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jess


Kenneth Cole

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Yeah for the most part i find the books pretty cheesy- but sometimes I just like to hear a diff. perspective on the situation.


On a side note, Im not really "waiting" around for him to call.  I've never not gone out or kept any time available just for him.  He's met me out a few times or vice versa, or we've hung out like on a sat or sun & just watched movies or something.  I dont know, I really just prefer not dating- its emotionally consuming even though I realize it shouldnt be.



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blubirde


Chanel

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Jess, I just PM'd you.

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Kel


Coach

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You were mentioning book have you ever heard of "the rules" i think it is called. It is how women should approach relationships? One of my friends had it and I flipped through it, I had to laugh at the stupid things that they tell women to do.



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blubirde


Chanel

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quote:
Originally posted by: Kel
"You were mentioning book have you ever heard of "the rules" i think it is called. It is how women should approach relationships? One of my friends had it and I flipped through it, I had to laugh at the stupid things that they tell women to do. "

ugh. (shuddering) the rules. Every feminist bone in my body cringes thinking about it.


okay, okay. - shaking it off, shaking it off -



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poptart


Coach

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quote:
Originally posted by: blubirde
" ugh. (shuddering) the rules. Every feminist bone in my body cringes thinking about it. okay, okay. - shaking it off, shaking it off - "

 


Yes, indeedy!


Ok, so this is a bit of a highjack, but I just saw a bumper sticker that said: I'll be post-feminist in the post patriarchy. True dat! Thought I'd share.



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honey


Gucci

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quote:
Originally posted by: blubirde
" ugh. (shuddering) the rules. Every feminist bone in my body cringes thinking about it. okay, okay. - shaking it off, shaking it off - "
didn't one of the authors of that book end up getting divorced?

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sephorablue


Marc Jacobs

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yes she totally did! and she claimed it was because she stopped following the Rules! I mean, I agree with AJ that playing it cool when you're not exactly sure what's going on, and that continuing to have a busy life aside from the guy and to make sure he knows it are all good ideas--but that's common sense! I read most of my friend's copy and most of it is insulting bullsh*t, insulting to both men and women. The essential argument is that the way to win a man's heart is to be cold and emotionally manipulative because if he constantly feels like he has to pursue you, he won't lose interest in you. Greeeeeaaaaat, sign me up for a relationship that operates at a basic caveman level, with no emotional honesty!


I guess I would agree with the others... don't abandon just yet, but lay low.



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laken1


Hermes

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quote:
Originally posted by: Andrea Julia
"
As for dating books, I kind of just pull what I like from all of them.  "


I'm sorry, but I laughed out loud at this - please at least tell me that you don't BUY the books to disregard! I can laugh in good conscience because I myself quit therapy because I thought the doctor was full of s**t. LOL

I also take the Mars / venus thing with a grain of salt because it's all too sappy for me, and unless the guy has read it & agrees to these rules, i don't think it applies. As a co-worker of mine said, "My wife bought that book for me & now she is even madder because I don't do what it says, it's just too confusing"

I like the theory of going on your merry little way & not being available. Another book I read had a theory I have ALWAYS found to be true "treat them like s**t & don't give them any" - they will be at your beck and call. I say that in good fun, but keep it in mind &you will find that it is applicable in SO many situations that it isn't even funny. LOL


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