STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
stylethread site home page -> stylethread forum -> relationships -> Open to suggestion
Post Info TOPIC: Open to suggestion
blubirde


Chanel

Status: Offline
Posts: 4845
Date:
Open to suggestion
Permalink Closed

Okay STers, once again I've managed to make a mess of things. (It's my purpose in life to screw everything up I think.) But the only thing is, I'm not sure if I actually made the mess or if I just got caught up in it. Here goes:


Guy friend J. We've fooled around once or twice and talked about seeing what happens but fell into being friends more than anything else. Recently I'd started thinking about being more than friends but I'm not sure why. I think I made him better in my head than he is in actuality. (Isn't that always the way?) Friend S, J, and I went to dinner Sunday night. J starts bringing up that I have the potential to embarass others with my "rants," as he calls them. And by rants he means when I don't let people slide with sexist and bigoted comments. Okay, that's my take on it, but maybe I get a bit unreasonably angry at small things. (Honestly at this point I'm not sure whether I do get unreasonably angry or if I'm being honest and it makes people uncomfortable. Nonetheless, I'm willing to at least consider the point at hand.) Back to J's comments. It basically comes down to the fact that I embarass him, and he says have potential to embarass others, i.e. colleagues, clients, random strangers, etc., which is completely not true - I do have a degree of decorum and he's just basing his opinion on the way I act with him, whom I considered a friend, not the way he's seen me act in front of any of those other groups, because I've never acted inappropriately in those situations.  


So I get mad and get my feelings hurt because I think friends should love you/like you the way you are and not be embarassed by you. (Plus I don't think I do anything embarassing.) I don't judge my friends. If I have a problem with something they say, I just call them out on what they're saying. I don't wait until later and ambush them with the "embarassing" lecture. I felt like I was talking to my mother.


I talked with him yesterday and tried to explain how I felt about the situation and he took the opportunity to lecture me more on my behavior!! I politely informed him I was on the verge of becoming very angry and he hung up on me!! Can you believe it? I haven't spoken to him since, which is weird because we usually talk multiple times a day.


Now I'm not even concerned with the "more" part. I'm wondering if we can even be friends. I'm tempted to call and apologize, just because I hate having discord in my friendships, but to be honest, I don't feel like I have anything to apologize for. On the other hand, I feel pretty certain that if I don't make the first move, he never will. And that will be even more awkward because we share many mutual friends and usually see each other at least a few times a weekend.


Ugh. What should I do? I attempted to talk to him about it and he hung up on me. I don't know what to do in a situation where I can't talk about it with my friend. Even if we come out all bloody in the end, at least I can always talk about an issue with a friend. What should I do? Should I let it go and let it just be awkward next time I see him? Should I send an email calmly and rationally explaining my situation? (I would def. wait to do this for awhile because I do have a very large amount of pride.)


I'm at a loss. I need expert advice - you women!!



__________________
http://dailypointers.blogspot.com/
lsubatgirl


Gucci

Status: Offline
Posts: 2902
Date:
Permalink Closed

Well I've read your post and a few things have stuck out to me.  At this point I say let it go and let him go for right now and see what happens. 


I don't think you have anything to apologize for and you certainly don't deserve these lectures he is giving you and telling others about. 


It bugs me that he thinks you embarass him and that's why he won't be in a relationship with you but he will still be your friend.  If you embarass him so much that you can't be his girlfriend and you embarass him when you are his friend then why the heck is he still sticking around you and friends with you?!?!?  It seems off to me and stupid (for lack of a better word).



__________________
esquiress


Marc Jacobs

Status: Offline
Posts: 2053
Date:
Permalink Closed

wait, you called him about how he hurt your feelings and he proceeded to lecture you again?  And then he hung up on you?   Is there something I'm missing here?  Because to use lsubatgirl's words, it really does seem off and stupid. 


but whatever the bottom line is he hurt your feelings and it sucks.  And since you're still thinking about it, is it fair to infer that you really care what his opinion of you is?  i'm just thinking you'd probably have just dismissed his remarks right away if you didn't care about what he thought of you.  so i guess my question is:  how much do you care about this person?  how much do you want to invest in a guy who thinks of you as "embarrassing"?


oh my gosh, i just thought of something--you're a felicity fan, right?  remember that episode where ben listens to her tape to sally where she says she might be falling in love w/ him?  and he can't handle it and says they have to take things slow?  and in the end she breaks up w/ him because she acknowledges that she's an emotional person and if he can't deal w/ that then there's nothing more for them?  and then she cuts of all her hair? well, don't cut off all your hair but you could take a page out of felicity's book and drop his a**.


good luck and feel better! 



__________________
Karina


Chanel

Status: Offline
Posts: 3257
Date:
Permalink Closed

I would wait for him to CALL you and APOLOGIZE. His actions and behavior were just totally uncalled for. If he doesn't call you to apologize, I would just drop him like a bad habit. You don't need to chase after someone who isn't worth it and can't accept you for who you are.

__________________
sephorablue


Marc Jacobs

Status: Offline
Posts: 2159
Date:
Permalink Closed

that's appalling. He HUNG UP on you? How old is he, 14?


It's really really easy to say this from here, not knowing you or him at all, but my first instinct would be just to take this opportunity to purge him from your life! You are completely right, your friends should treasure you, not be "embarrassed" by you (which is a pathetic statement on his part, anyway) and they should DEFINITELY not refuse to engage in a conversation with you when you're telling them they hurt your feelings. I totally agree with Karina--take him back as a friend only if HE calls YOU and is genuinely sorry, but otherwise, forget him. It's one thing to confront a friend about something they are doing that could be potentially harmful or self-destructive, and the friend on the receiving end of that probably would interpret it as a lecture--but that would be something like constantly getting wasted and veering out of control, or being the person who's actually making the bigoted or sexist remarks. It sounds like he's just the kind of spineless ninny who'd rather just let a nasty remark slide than endure the social awkwardness that ensues when someone like you has the courage to say, "whoah, that was totally unacceptable."


I say lose him!



__________________
http://designers-brew.blogspot.com/
Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

Status: Offline
Posts: 2130
Date:
Permalink Closed

Yow! That sounds so hurtful! Funny enough, I've been goign through something very similar with one of my closest friends at school (but no flirtation to complicate it). I don't think I handled it really well, though, so I don't have any good advice. For what it's worth, things sort of blew over once we both took some time out from the friendship and settled our respective stressors.

I know you really like to have things handled, and everything out in the open, so everyone knows where they stand. I think this is one of those situations that isn't going to be resolved for a while, though. For what it's worth, at least he WAS being direct and stating his feelings. But that's not much comfort when the opinion hurts. I'm sorry, it's so upsetting when a friendship this close pulls at you like this! And am I understanding this right, he actually had the nerve to say there is something you need to do to be "worthy" of a relationship with him? Wow.

One piece of advice I do have - it's not actually mine, I read it somewhere - when it comes to the people you care about, they need enough room to be wrong - if you can't give them this, there's no relationship - I think that's the way it goes, anyway. (I think it was some sort of saying about plants and room for roots, but I don't remember). Basically, you're not going to know everything, you're not going to settle everything, you're not going to have everyone do or say exactly what you want. And, um, it sounds like both of you are sort of expecting a lot from eachother in this way. Does it really matter that he thinks you should behave differently? Is that really why you're upset with him? Or are you upset that he put a condition on having a relationship with you. Because the first one can blow over (what does he know, anyway), but the second one sounds just poisonous... (is that what he meant? You don't seem like the type to be friends with someone like this)

Wish I could be more help - but I think you should go home and be really good to yourself! Have you ever tried eating high-quality chocolate ice cream in a hot bubble bath while listening to your favorite cd? You have to eat fast, but until the icecream melts it is literally HEAVEN...

Oh, and I vote "no" on the e-mail. Calm and rational explanations do NOT apply when these sort of feelings are going on. Besides, he heard you, he just disagrees, and another explanation will probably leave him feeling attacked. So that leaves a "yes" on just let it be awkward. You sound like you always handle things well, so it wouldn't be awkward for everyone, just him. And he is currently a buthead, so who cares?

-- Edited by Dizzy at 20:31, 2005-05-03

__________________
blubirde


Chanel

Status: Offline
Posts: 4845
Date:
Permalink Closed

quote:
Originally posted by: esquiress
"wait, you called him about how he hurt your feelings and he proceeded to lecture you again?  And then he hung up on you?   Is there something I'm missing here?  Because to use lsubatgirl's words, it really does seem off and stupid."


The second I read this, I was like, "how stupid am I?" Of course you're right. Why in the world would I need to try to make things better in this situation? He's the one who needs to do some serious apologizing if we're to be friends, right? Man, it's so funny how you get caught up in situations and then someone points out some really obvious facts (that you yourself would have pointed out if it was the other way around) and everything clears up. I feel so silly now! You're soooo right. I didn't do anything wrong - at least not in our conversation. If he doesn't want to apologize to me and try to mend our friendship, then obviously, we can't be friends.

Because, like karina said, I in no way want to 1) chase after anyone and 2) chase after someone who acts like a jerk.

sephorablue - you're right. I think he is the kind of person who would let a nasty comment go for fear of making a scene. I HATE people like that and I never really thought of him in those terms but I think you've got him dead on.

Dizzy - that chocolate/bubble bath thing sounds wonderful! How did you figure it out? I like your piece of advice about friends and giving them room to be wrong. It's true. I disagree with some of my friend's opinions all the time and sometimes we discuss our difference of opinions and sometimes we don't. However, I always respect their right to have different opinions and don't judge them because they're different. And I don't know if he put a condition on our friendship or not. It felt like that to me, which is my dilemma because I can't be friends with someone like that, even though I want to be friends with him. Does that make any sense? I'm torn between the nice guy J, who I like and makes me laugh, and jerk guy J who acts like, for lack of a better word, a jerk.

Thanks for all your help! I just needed someone to point out the obvious for me and give me some perspective that's not all i'm-looking-so-close-i-can't-tell-what-it-is-anymore. I avoided a gathering tonight where there was a possibility of him being at. Instead I spent the time with a good friend of mine and we listened to good tunes and told good stories. That's way better than encountering awkward situations. And I'm going out of town this weekend, so I'll only have to avoid on Friday night. (I already have a plan. We're all going out but I'm bringing one of my guy friends who I know J doesn't like - is jealous of, whatever - so we won't have to interact very much.)

Anyone seen American Splendor? Two of the movie's quotes come to mind (albeit in a very tongue-in-cheek way). "Real life is pretty complicated stuff." - Harvey Pekar "Why is everything in my life such a complicated disaster?" - Joyce Brabner

__________________
http://dailypointers.blogspot.com/
poptart


Coach

Status: Offline
Posts: 1764
Date:
Permalink Closed

Blubirde,
I hope my PM didn't come across as unsupportive - I agree with all the other girls that this guy was being a jerk - I was just hoping to share something that might be helpful from what I've learned about communicating with people like him. Anyway - just wanted to clarify. And I'm sorry if I *did* seem like I thought you were wrong - I don't.

__________________
Forget, forgive, conclude, and be agreed. - Shakespeare
blubirde


Chanel

Status: Offline
Posts: 4845
Date:
Permalink Closed

quote:
Originally posted by: Lisa
"Blubirde, I hope my PM didn't come across as unsupportive - I agree with all the other girls that this guy was being a jerk - I was just hoping to share something that might be helpful from what I've learned about communicating with people like him. Anyway - just wanted to clarify. And I'm sorry if I *did* seem like I thought you were wrong - I don't."
Oh, no! Don't worry. I appreciated your words very much and I PM'd (verb?) you back. You were being totally supportive!

__________________
http://dailypointers.blogspot.com/
Lola


Dooney & Bourke

Status: Offline
Posts: 516
Date:
Permalink Closed

I agree w/ everyone else, let him make the first move to mending things. Have him apologize...BUT in reality, the suspense and waiting would probably kill me, I would try to mend it...and end up regretting it. I'm the type that remembers every good detail and looks past the bad to see the good in people...I'm not a good observer of the "big picture." Things for me to work on... ;)


THIS WAS MY 500th post!!! YIPPEEE!!!



-- Edited by Lola at 13:05, 2005-05-04

__________________
"Indecision may or may not be my problem"
blubirde


Chanel

Status: Offline
Posts: 4845
Date:
Permalink Closed

quote:
Originally posted by: Lola
"THIS WAS MY 500th post!!! YIPPEEE!!! -- Edited by Lola at 13:05, 2005-05-04"
Glad I could be of help!

__________________
http://dailypointers.blogspot.com/
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
stylethread site home page -> stylethread forum -> relationships -> Open to suggestion
Tweet this page Post to Digg Post to Del.icio.us


Create your own FREE Forum
Report Abuse 		Powered by ActiveBoard