STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

pollyjean23 · Marc Jacobs

Advice on what to do about dad

Boots · Gucci

My boss is a CPA and for the last few years has become the de-facto go-to guy for a bunch of our elderly clients (most are people who have been with him for over 20 years.) Dealing with them is a lesson in patience. We deal with everything from their medical conditions & appointments to their financial problems (I pay bills for a majority of them now) to their household issues. So I have an idea of what you are going through or at least an outside view of it.

I've found that the idea of losing their independence is the worst part for them. Many of these people are widowed and without immediate family. They are used to being able to do everything for themselves and are unwilling to admit that this may not be the situation any longer. It's very scary for them.

As the daughter, you have some options, but none of them are going to be easy. Your dad is going to resent you for interfering (as he sees it, when in reality you are just trying to be a good daughter.) Each state has a department of aging that employs social workers who deal exclusively with the elderly. This might be your first and best option at this point. They can give you some information about what your next move might be.

If you can get your dad to sign a Health Power of Attorney, you will be able to speak with his doctor regarding any possible medication problems. Without your dad's permission, the doctor is not legally able to speak with you. An attorney can draft up the Power of Attorney for you. You might want to have the attorney do a Property Power of Attorney as well. This will come in handy if you have to start paying your father's bills for him at some point in the future.

Since your dad's town is smaller, I think it might be a good idea to visit him and personally reach out to his neighbors. You asked why the neighbors are not doing anything regarding your dad. Once reason might be is that they assume that it is a family issue and that they should mind their own business. There's a good chance that the neighbors are just waiting to be asked to help. At the very least, you will have contact with people who see your dad on a fairly regular basis.

I hope something above will help. If you have any questions, PM me or ask here and I'll try to help if I can.

Suasoria · Chanel

((Hugs))

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It must be so frustrating.

I think Boots is on the money about the neighbors/townsfolk - there are any number of seemingly good reasons why they may not want to get involved. If he's really off his rocker, he may be telling them some tales about you and your sister to prevent them from contacting you. My dad did this, but he was an alcoholic, so it was somewhat different. However, your dad's behavior is reminiscent of addiction - isolation, denial, mind games.

It's not the best option, but the local PD can do a "courtesy check" on him if you call and say he's infirm and alone and you haven't heard from him in several days. This or a social services department visit will no doubt make him more angry and resentful.

If your uncle is at all "with it" maybe he can give your dad a stern talking-to about how worried you girls are about him and how scared you are - because this is the irony of the situation, the less you know, the more he's a bother!

60 is too young to become debilitated by diseases that are so easily reversible, but short of putting a padlock on the refrigerator and duct taping the holes on the salt shaker, I don't know how you can help with that.

relrel · Marc Jacobs

Is it possible that he's actually showing signs of dementia or Alzheimer's? Forgetfulness isn't the only symptom of those two diseases/illnesses. Why was your father in the hospital?

It's tough, but it might be something that you and your sister begin to investigate. How far away do both of you live? I really strongly suggest getting in contact with the local Dept of Aging.

pollyjean23 · Marc Jacobs

relrel wrote:

Is it possible that he's actually showing signs of dementia or Alzheimer's? Forgetfulness isn't the only symptom of those two diseases/illnesses. Why was your father in the hospital?

It's tough, but it might be something that you and your sister begin to investigate. How far away do both of you live? I really strongly suggest getting in contact with the local Dept of Aging.

He takes a diuretic for one of his many other problems; apparently he was dehydrated (at least). We live 600 miles away. The onset of these symptoms was shorter than I would expect with something like Alzheimer's. This all really accelerated when he retired. He went from getting up every day like clockwork to doing absolutely nothing. We were concerned because he had no hobbies and wasn't taking on any new ones, and then it just snowballed. It was a huge life-change, and I think it really affected him. Then add in health problems, no physical activity, probably bad eating habits from being depressed...

Thank you so much for all of your ideas and comforting words! Stylethread is such a great place!

Boots · Gucci

I think you might be on to something when you mentioned his lack of activities. My parents are in their 70's. My dad's health has dramatically improved in the last year or so since both of my younger brothers purchased houses that need to be fixed up. Dad is over at one house or the other a few times a week to help. He's gone from a man who couldn't walk down the block without complaining to a guy who just walked the entire zoo a few weeks ago. He isn't complaining about his health or feeling so tired all the time anymore. I think having a purpose has helped a lot.

I can only imagine that being so far away from your dad makes helping him that much harder and frustrating. I hope that things improve for you both.

cat · Marc Jacobs

His odd behavior and depression very well might be caused by one of his medications or there interaction. I went through something similar with my boyfriend who has diabetes, high blood pressure and Lyme disease . He was acting very antisocial, not making sense became very depressed. Turns out that his MD and the specialist he sees for diabetes gave him prescriptions and not thinking he filled them in different places so no one caught a drug interaction,beside that the one drug itself caused some odd side effects.
Im sorry I dont really have any advice on how you can deal with this situation with your Dad,I was lucky that my boyfriend listened to me and went to see his doctor about his symptoms and they were able put him on different meds.

I agree that maybe if your Dad had a hobby or some type of activity to fill his time he might not be so depressed ,maybe he could even become a volunteer somewhere.

-- Edited by cat on Friday 5th of June 2009 07:35:38 PM

-- Edited by cat on Friday 5th of June 2009 07:36:05 PM

pollyjean23 · Marc Jacobs

Update: I got a call from him last night. He had his lady friend on speaker phone with him. He sounded better, and Betty offered her phone number if I needed to call her. Turns out, Betty has been w/ my dad through the time he hasn't been feeling well, and she took him to the hospital.

My dad either doesn't want to talk about the problem he is having or isn't with-it enough to understand and talk about it. In addition to being dehydrated, he had a backup/buildup of toxins in his system that was affecting his brain. That's why he has been so weird lately. Betty said that his liver isn't working appropriately. My dad said he doesn't remember a couple days of being in the hospital.

I suspect some sort of liver malfunction or failure--which isn't good--but I can only speculate at this time. I can deal with a diagnosis that maybe isn't so great. I just can't handle my dad giving up on his health and mental status. He has a follow-up apt on Tuesday.

No one said anything. But, from the tone of voice of both of them, I think Betty gave my dad a talking-to about keeping his daughters informed.

I sent him some snapfish prints that should arrive next week--to give him something to enjoy.

Volunteering is such a great idea - Cat. I was thinking of that a few days ago. He could volunteer at the pound, at the senior center, library book sales/fests, habitat for humanity, etc.

Thanks again, ladies!