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scarlett


Marc Jacobs

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does anyone else worry too much?
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i don't want to promote stereotypes, but i do think it's true that women tend to worry more than men.  does anyone else here feel like they worry too much?  this morning i am sitting here at work thinking about this, and thought it would help to write about it and see if anyone else out there had similar thoughts, and if they did, how they handled it. 


usually i consider myself reasonably laid back, but there are times i worry a lot, and recently it has been one of those times for me.  maybe this is learned behavior, as my mom is a huge worrier, which drove me crazy when i was growing up and still lived at home.  but lately i feel like i'm worrying about everything: my job, my grad school application (i'm waiting to hear from them), some of my friendships, some outside of work career goals i'm working on, and my boyfriend D.  it's like i'm always waiting for something to go horribly wrong, when on the outside everything looks great, and i have no real reason for fearing disaster.


D is a very supportive person and always there for me, but i'm afraid of driving him away by worrying too much and making him think i'm nuts.  to give some backstory, he is the first good relationship i've had in a long time.  my last serious relationship ended almost two years ago and after that i didn't date for a while, and then when i did felt that too many guys i met were self-absorbed or shallow or just not right for me.  then i met D and it was so easy and good to be with him.  we've been together since mid-december and he's been wonderful to me.  so he hasn't done anything at all to make me think he'd be so turned off if i confide worries in him, but i am still afraid of it.  i don't know what's wrong with me, and i hate this about myself.  for the past few days he's been telling me i really need to stop worrying.  one of the things i worry about is something he can't guarantee: this is the first time i've been in love and had someone love me back, in the way i've always wanted, in my adult life.  now that i love him and count on him, part of me realize now there is something important to lose.  how stupid that i now have that thought in my head. 


i am embarrassed that i do this.  embarrassed might seem like an odd choice of words, but i think it's from watching my mom worry so much when i was little, and how when i saw it i felt almost a revulsion towards ever perpetutating that same behavior, and now i am, although i don't think as much as she did.  (or still does.)  i love my mother but i don't want to keep being this way.  


thanks for reading...i actually feel better having written this out, as disjointed as it might sound, but if anyone wants to write back i would really welcome hearing about your own experiences with this.



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sephorablue


Marc Jacobs

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Scarlett I am exactly the same way, ESPECIALLY regarding my boyfriend. I am in a similar situation to you--really really happy for the first time EVER--and in some weird, 3rd-grade way, that makes me paranoid that I am jinxing myself or something. Like, I've never been this happy in a relationship before, so clearly something just has to go wrong any day now. I KNOW it's insane, but I can't banish the thoughts entirely from my head. And I have the same feeling, too, of being really scared because this is the first time I've actually cared so much about someone; in none of my other relationships was there ever a danger I was going to get really hurt. I had the HARDEST time admitting to myself that I actually love this one because I felt like as long as I was on the other side of that invisible boundary, I could withdraw into myself if he pulled away, and still be fine. All the millions of dopey songs about heartbreak never resonated with me before but now I suddenly feel like I get it, and I'm SO SCARED it will happen to me!


Anyway, I think the best we can do is just keep struggling against it, and keep telling ourselves over and over again just to cut it the hell out. I've gotten better about cutting myself off before I get too deep into a worry fit; I just keep reminding myself what a waste of time and energy it is. I think that part of me thinks, and this may be true of you too, that worrying about it beforehand will either provide some clue on how to prevent it, or will make the bad thing less painful if it does happen, but neither of those things is true. My best friend is the same way in her new relationship, for the same reason (first one she really really cares about) and we have spent many long hours on the phone agonizing and then laughing over our neurotic behavior. So for what it's worth, there are other people who do the same crazy shit!



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esquiress


Marc Jacobs

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scarlett i think you are wonderful.  i really truly do.  you are wonderful wonderful wonderful.  i think you're introspective and intelligent and a total gift.  maybe you do worry a bit and maybe you don't but remember this:  he is lucky to have you.  he is lucky someone so wondeful loves him.  he is very very very lucky.


when two people love each other, THAT is the tough part.  dating may be frustrating but being in a committed relationship and making that work, that's the part that really counts.  and i applaud you for worrying about it, it reassures me to know you take it seriously.  also i think the word "worry" has negative connotations (and by the way, trust me on this one:  guys worry too--a lot so i really don't think it's a "female" thing, i think that is a total stereotype).


maybe it will help you to write down a list of everything you worry about and next to it, mark down the things you actually have control over and the things you don't.  the things you don't (like grad school apps., once the apps are in, there's nothing more you can do), when you find yourself worrying about those things, go do something good for yourself, work out, volunteer, get on stylethread, shop, whatever...do something to distract yourself that's not unhealthy (like if you're in debt, don't shop like crazy).  as for the things you do have control over, do something about it.  sometimes i will spend so much time worrying about something (usually work related deadlines) and if i had just started working on whatever it was, i would've gotten a lot done in the time i spent worrying.


oh and i know this is cheesy, but i pray about it too.  i really love the serenity prayer and it really helps me, maybe it will do the same for you?


"god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference"


 



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crystal


Kate Spade

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girl, u read my mind!  my bf was supposed to come out this weekend (we are LD right now, about 2 hrs) & go to my best friend's bday party w/ me.  i talked to him yesterday & told him she wanted to go salsa dancing & he was like "maybe i won't come out".  the thing is, she lives about another 1 1/2 hrs from me (in the opp direction of him) so he would be in a car for a total of 7 hrs in 2 days so he was gonna make the sacrifice if it was for something really fun that he wanted to do, but salsa is not that.  at first i was really upset & got kinda quiet & got off the phone quickly.  i realized that i am so paranoid something is gonna go wrong with us that something like him not coming out for one weekend made me think we were gonna break up.  i talked to him later that night & everything was ok.  but i realized i have a real problem.  i freak out at the littlest things cuz i'm afraid of getting hurt.  i'm glad to hear other people are the same as me.  we are all here for u scarlett!

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scarlett


Marc Jacobs

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thanks, everybody. :)  i really appreciate you all sharing your own thoughts and experiences with this.  i was totally reassured to hear i am not the only person who has these kinds of scenarios running through her head! 


sephorablue, i have had the exact kinds of thoughts you describe: if something is going so well then it must mean something is about to go wrong.  i don't know why i do that but it definitely has something to do with jinxing, like you said.  i think you are right that just constantly talking yourself out of worrying and working against it is what will work.


esquiress, you are such a supportive person.  thank you.  i hope the people you come into contact with every day appreciate what a treasure they have for a friend!  prayer is a very helpful thing to do, and it's something i forget about sometimes.  this is a good reminder not to forget about our spiritual lives.


and crystal, i totally think those exact kinds of things.  i would have been just as upset and wondering the same things you did about your BF not wanting to drive in to go salsa dancing.  i am really glad you feel better about that now and realize that his feelings for you are still strong.


thanks again -- i'm feeling much better and it's good to know other people have the same kinds of worries.


 


 



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splash


Kenneth Cole

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lol......... Yeah, I worry just a little too much.

Related: I get even more stressed/overanalytical the week before, um, that lovely time of the month. Not irritable, I just feel like crying over little things. Anyone have ideas for this? I'd appreciate it!

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