STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

that sounds awful, Karina.  I can imagine the anxiety you are experiencing - what a horrible position to be in.

I've always felt that a big part of our career success depends the luck of who you are placed with in an organization - something out of your control (in most cases), and unforeseeable until you are working with them day in and day out, but can make a huge impact on whether you sink or swim.  It sounds like you got unlucky and got placed with the wrong person.

Can you make an appointment with an HR rep and tell them what you just told us?  A woman HR rep would be preferable - you need to talk to someone with some sense of compassion (sorry if that was sexist - but I think there may be some sexism going on in this situation).  Did things start going sour as soon as you announced your pregnancy at work? Maybe he's trying to push you out because he doesn't want to deal with the loss of support during your pregnancy leave.  If this is the case, it could be considered harrassment... I think your best course of action is to present all you've presented to us to HR and ask them for advice, as you are a loyal and dedicated worker, this review is not commensurate with your past reviews and is reflective of his opinion only - and maybe it would be better if you were placed with someone who can help you further your career and contributions to the company.  It's expensive to seek, hire and train someone for your position, and it's in your company's best interest to find a way to retain you as an employee vs. allowing one person to force you out.  Is your old boss still in the company and would they be willing to back you up on your excellent performance?  I'm just wondering if it wouldn't be good to have someone like that in your back pocket for HR to call or just... I don't know...  I know there's some HR professionals on the site - hopefully one of them has some good advice...

If you're 7 months pregnant now, won't you be on maternity leave when your 90 day review comes up? Or will they give it to you when you come back?

Maybe you can take some time while you're on leave to look for a new job, anxiety from a job that you have to go to every day is a killer. Please try not to put yourself through that. Life is too short to make yourself sick over your job.

I'm so sorry, Karina! He sounds like a jerk. I agree with Honey, though. Just try to stick it out - I think that's all you can do. And try to make your time outside work as relaxing as possible.

quote:

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Originally posted by: honey
"(hugs) i'm sorry, i really don't know what to say except hang in there. just count down the days until you go on maternity leave and then look for something better. good luck."

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I agree with Honey. Do other people at the job know you're pregnant? Have you put in for a maternity leave? I'm jusk asking because at my job no matter how much somebody tries to keep it a secret it always comes out.(Not that it should be an issue anyway)

I had a job like this - you gotta CYA (Cover Your Ass).  I had a huge binder I called my CYA file.  It was full of nasty emails and my carefully thought-out replies.  When they let me go from that place because I 'wasn't happy', those emails helped me get unemployment when they challenged it.  PRINT EVERYTHING OUT!  At least then you'll have some physical evidence of his unfairness if/when it comes to blows.

 

 (((((((((((Karina)))))))))

Nasty Vibes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> Evil Boss-Man

Karina honey, take some deep breaths - this is ok - this kind of thing happens to everyone - it's really, really, really going to be ok, I SWEAR - It's really easy to get into the mindset of "I have to keep this job, I have to do this, I have to do that..." It's a trap and a fallacy. You don't have to do anything. The worst thing that's going to happen is you'll get fired, and unfortunately it happens to some really good workers all the time - I've seen it before - it's the not the stigma it used to be.

1) CYA file -print out everything and KEEP IT AT HOME - Also, in court, you'll need a handwritten log of incidents again, keep this at home. HR will go through your desk if they think you're a lawsuit risk, and they're not entitled to anythign with your handwriting on it, but good luck proving they stole something from you if it was on company property.

2) Stop engaging the jerk. He's misunderstanding what you say on purpose. Explaining to him is not going to do anything but frustrate you. And this sounds crazy, but I am serious about the next tip, it works. Don't do this in front of people, but COMPLIMENT HIM LIKE CRAZY - He's insecure, and when you challenge him it makes him moe insecure, which makes him more dangerous. He's a scared little two year old who needs to take away your toys to feel safe. DO NOT tap into these emotions - you need to find his social side - he thinks he has all his insecurities all covered up, like a toddler thinks you can't see him when he's under a blanket and can't see you. Talk to him like you would talk to your toddler. There are major similarities: huge ego, inability to understand other people's needs or point of view, short attention span, limited social skills, grouchy, and so on... This guy is manageable. You cannot engage him like you would a normal person, but you can manage him.

He has you on the ropes right now, thinking you need to fight him for your job. You don't. Ignore him and any opportunity he gives you to fight. Build alliances! Kiss up to HR (do NOT let them start thinking you're a legal threat, they'll turn on you like that...) I remember you posted about this before, and there was a manager you liked, find her and kiss up. Don't ask for something from these people, give them something. Offer to help with a project, offer a tip on something they're working on, offer to introduce them to someone, offer to buy them lunch, listen to stores about their grandkids, do whatever you have to do to BUILD NETWORKS.

3) Reframe the issue. This is NOT a fight for your job with the crazy boss. He'll win. This is you, a good worker, bemusedly watching an insecure new boss try to establish himself. MANAGE THE STORYLINE. Other people are probably watching, and no one is going to join the losing side. So set yourself up like the winner. He's probably trying to use screwing you as an example, sort of like going to prison and shanking someone right off the bat so no one will mess with you. No one really likes that person, although they'll let him get away with it. So as long as you don't look whiny they're more likely to side with you anyway.

Does this make sense? I've been here, my friends have been here, I've watched people I don't like struggle through this, and I've watched people I really like and respect both win and lose this game. It's JUST A GAME. I know that sounds weird, but really, I think of it as a relef, it's only a game, and I can always find another game. This is not life or death, a commentary on anything about me or my skills, or even something that's probably going to matter much in five years.

So, in conclusion, STEP AWAY FROM THE CONFLICT! CYA, and laugh at him - he's just a kid. You do not need to go crazy. You do not need to win a fight with him. You don't even have to fight at all. You just need to control the voice in your head saying "I have to do something..." Stuff that voice full of ice cream, hold your head up, and show everyone you have the guts to handle this poor, insecure, probably untalented, stalled-career, probably disliked new manager who's not going to last long in a cutthroat business if this is his way of hanging on. (People that have to do that can stay in one spot, but they don't usually move up much. If they do move up, they flame out SPECTACULARLY. it's great, so just remember he's got commupance coming eventually, too).


PS - the hints he's dropping about your 90-day review and the emails might actually be a good sign. My last boss liked to THREATEN to get people fired with all these little hints like that, but she only did it to the people that would go "Oh no, I'm going to get fired!" and freak out and do everything she asked and work like crazy. Whereas, the people she was really getting fired never saw it coming. She pretended to be their best friends and even COMMISERATED OVER COFFEE WITH A WOMAN THAT SHE SCREWED. The woman thought my boss was her only friend!(my boss was probably the devil, I'm not even kidding)... So you might be safer than you think, but that's pure speculation on my part...



-- Edited by Dizzy at 16:46, 2005-04-21

Good luck tomorrow, be strong!

With the emails, it's escalating pretty quickly, look at all the hooks he has "All I wanted..." "Hope this is clear.." (You can hear the emphasis on THIS...) and the ccing to everyone is such an implied threat... He's sucking you into the conflict like a baby who makes you pick up the toy he's thrown out of his crib so he can throw it back again. Seriously, don't answer the attacks, it makes you look defensive. Don't act like he's really asking you something that needs to be explained. He's not, he's just baiting you. And it really looks like he's taking your explanations as a threat, and so he pushes harder in each successive email.

It's counterintuitive, but I swear it's easier if you just knuckle under - "Really, I misunderstood your crystalline clear directions, how silly of me, it's a good thing I have you here to make sure everything is handled correctly..." Then, here's your hook, "although of course you know all my prior work has always been up to standard, so I'm sure this project will be as well. we make a good team..." It's more effective to compliment yourself instead of trying to prove him wrong, or explain yourself when he criticizes you. It's never any use to explain when someone criticizes. And if you compliment yourself often enough, it will stick in people's heads..

And with HR, they have to back him up, so it doesn't matter what you say, just remember it's all on the record when you talk to them, so don't admit ANYTHING like "Being pregnant may have me distracted..." it'll come back to bite you.

Usually the best course is to slide the insults in subtly. Instead of "He's impossible to work for..." I've seen some pretty effective complaints worded like, "It must be so hard for him to be new, and just getting up to speed. That's why I try to be understanding when his communication patterns are so unprofessional and unclear. I really want him to succeed here, and I can see that he's struggling..." Then the clincher "I hope he doesn't see me as a threat, as I'm really only trying very hard to do my job as well as I always have before.... Sometimes when he becomes very aggressive, I wonder if he thinks I'm undermining his authority...."

See the game? It's "sometimes when he's agressive..." not "he's agressive" the first one assumes it's true, the second one allows them to question or challenge you. Trust me, they probably won't catch on. And if they do, they'll respect you for being able to play it. Keep your chin up, and hang in there!

PS - I would hammer like crazy on the fact that he's the only boss who has a problem with you. HE"S the new one, HE isn't running in top gear yet. HE"S just learning the ropes... But the bosses who have been here think you're great...

dizzy, how do you know all of this? i am in awe of you!  i need someone to help me get a promotion--i wish you were my coach!