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bex · Chanel

30th birthday party planning help!

blubirde · Chanel

You're being soo generous paying for everyone's food! People don't expect you to pony up for drinks AND food unless it's at your house. Just put "cash bar" on the invite and everyone will know what's up. It's done all the time and completely acceptable.

Hope your party is fabulous!

Hermes

ok - I know I may be considered old school on the subject of etiquette, but I never got the memo dispelling Post and Vanderbilt's writings...

According to etiquette, it is not proper to throw a party and ask the guests to pay. There's no way around it - it's just poor etiquette. Yes, I know it is common these days for people to request guests to pay to attend a party, but just because other people are doing it, doesn't make it right (among a whole host of other tacky/greedy things people do these days).

If I were throwing it, not only would I pay for the food, I'd pay for drinks. Yeah, I know it's expensive, but people shouldn't throw parties and expect the guests to pay. If it's not affordable, then maybe a BYOB party party at your house would be better. Not trying to be harsh - but you asked what proper etiquette is and I'm just sharing my candid thoughts... That's why I throw parties at my house - I have a full bar set up, beer, wine, soda, etc. I've even hired waiters to make it easier on myself.

The only compromise with today's abandonment of proper etiquette, and since it is so common these days, is to put "cash bar" on the invitation.

We received an invitation to a party recently to honor a wealthy yet ailing old co-worker of my husband's. We received the invitation from his son who is throwing the party in his father's honor. The invitation requested $75 per person to attend the party(held at a church with a buffet and open bar). Since my husband was not close with the man, and we didn't feel like shelling out $150 for a church buffet, we sent our regrets.

Now, on the other hand, if I was a friend of your's and would have fun partying with all your other friends, and got an invitation from you to celebrate your guy's 30th at that restaurant, meals provided, cash bar, I would probably go. I would probably say to other people how it was tacky that we're being asked to cover our drinks behind your back, but I realize I am not mainstream middle america with my etiquette knowledge, and would go and would never say anything to you. just being honest.

-- Edited by detroit at 12:49, 2005-04-15

bex · Chanel

detroit- you look at things the way i do. if i had the cash to pay for everyone's drinks- i would. and if i had the room at our 2 bedroom apartment to have 25-30 people over- i would. but i am kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place.

i shared my party plans with 3 of my best girl friends. These 3 girls all come from wealthy backgrounds and have thrown/been invited to occasions of all manners (hence why i asked their advice). and all of which were surprised that I was paying for the dinners ($20-30 per head). They all told me that they would expect to pay for their dinners and that I SHOULDN'T pay for everyone's dinners. so, i was just curious of what was the norm... and what was expected...

side note: more than 1/2 of these people have thrown parties in the past asking all of us friends to bring "a side dish/dessert and drink of your choice" along to their parties. considering i supply more than enough drinks/food for their own parties, i should think that they would be happy i was paying for that filet mignon they are scarfing down.... i have made known many times to my BF how tacky it was that they requested US to bring food and drink to THEIR party and he just shakes his head and reminds me that they don't live the way we do...

-- Edited by bex at 13:00, 2005-04-15

Hermes

quote:
Originally posted by: bex
"detroit- you look at things the way i do. if i had the cash to pay for everyone's drinks- i would. and if i had the room at our 2 bedroom apartment to have 25-30 people over- i would. but i am kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. i shared my party plans with 3 of my best girl friends. These 3 girls all come from wealthy backgrounds and have thrown/been invited to occasions of all manners (hence why i asked their advice). and all of which were surprised that I was paying for the dinners ($20-30 per head). They all told me that they would expect to pay for their dinners and that I SHOULDN'T pay for everyone's dinners. so, i was just curious of what was the norm... and what was expected... side note: more than 1/2 of these people have thrown parties in the past asking all of us friends to bring "a side dish/dessert and drink of your choice" along to their parties. considering i supply more than enough drinks/food for their own parties, i should think that they would be happy i was paying for that filet mignon they are scarfing down.... i have made known many times to my BF how tacky it was that they requested US to bring food and drink to THEIR party and he just shakes his head and reminds me that they don't live the way we do... -- Edited by bex at 13:00, 2005-04-15"

see - your boyfriend is right that they don't live the way we do - there are just a lot of ignorant people out there. the intention is good, but it is in poor taste.

I'm going to back up a little here and revisit the meaning of etiquette. Etiquette exists for the comfort of people. Not only does is govern socially acceptable behavior, but puts people at ease while representing yourself well. So, if we look at it's basis, providing the food while having a cash bar should cater to the comfort level of your specific guests, especially if this is what they expect and feel comfortable with. So in regard to putting people at ease, and practicing socially acceptable behavior within their social culture, I think you are within the confines of being proper. Does that make sense?

bex · Chanel

totally makes sense.

i'm glad that you understand why i am doing what i am doing. and that it makes sense etiquette-wise....

all in all- i just want BF to have a wonderful time with his closest friends on his 30th birthday... hopefully i can accomplish that...

Hermes

I bet you guys are going to have a great time! and now that we've completely disected this issue - I think your guests will be most comfortable with this arrangement. Plus, he's so lucky to have a wonderful girlfriend like you to plan something like this! How fun!

Hermes

quote:
Originally posted by: bex
" i shared my party plans with 3 of my best girl friends. These 3 girls all come from wealthy backgrounds and have thrown/been invited to occasions of all manners (hence why i asked their advice). and all of which were surprised that I was paying for the dinners ($20-30 per head). They all told me that they would expect to pay for their dinners and that I SHOULDN'T pay for everyone's dinners. "

oh - and just because they have money doesn't mean they are born knowing good etiquette - actually some of the wealthiest people I know are the cheapest - that's why they have money

example - that wealthy guy's son - they have the money to throw this thing - they're just being cheap.

blubirde · Chanel

quote:
Originally posted by: detroit
"I would probably say to other people how it was tacky that we're being asked to cover our drinks behind your back, but I realize I am not mainstream middle america with my etiquette knowledge, and would go and would never say anything to you. just being honest."

Okay, this actually made me laugh out loud.

I get the etiquette, too and I usually grumble when I see weddings or fancy parties are "cash bar," but I completely think it's okay at a dinner with a group of friends. I've gone out to tons of restaurants (nice and super nice) for birthdays and no one even suggests picking up the check. We all pay our own way.

Let's just face it. Some of us don't have the finances to be able to pay for everything we would like to. For instance, my roommate is getting married in October so I'm throwing her an engagement party in June. I wanted to do something fancy in a restaurant or downtown or something like that but it's just not within my means. So I'm getting a party boat to go out on the lake with and bringing along my own food and drinks for everyone. (Hopefully everyone else will bring bottles of this and that but that's another etiquette point.) It's not as posh as I would like it to be but it will be fun and with all their friends, which is what's important.

I think your party for your boyfriend will turn out wonderfully and you're so sweet for throwing it!