STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

kenzie · Chanel

Am I nuts?

travelgirl · Kate Spade

No, I don't think you are nuts at all. I would feel the same way! Would your boyfriend consider making his facebook private (or simply "blocking" her)?

-- Edited by travelgirl at 11:30, 2009-03-04

kenzie · Chanel

travelgirl wrote:

No, I don't think your nuts at all. I would feel the same way! Would your boyfriend consider making his facebook private (or simply "blocking" her)?

Them. Blocking them. Her and her nutty parents. And, no, probably not. He doesn't get why it bothers me. Like really, truly doesn't get it. He thinks it's just a Facebook page or just an invitation to a party, but that's not the issue. What he doesn't see is that these people haven't let go and that it's making me uncomfortable.

Elle · Hermes

I would feel highly uncomfortable with that - not because I'd be afraid he'd cheat (which it doesn't sound like you're afraid of either) but because she's trying to infiltrate his life and drag him back into hers. That's just odd - you break up, which means you're on a cordial basis or maybe friends if you were that before. That doesn't mean regular contact with parents and such, which is girlfriend-only territory in almost all cases.

The desperate way she's attempting to wedge herself back into his life/conscious is odd, and sounds like she may be lonely? Because of that it seems sort of cruel for BF to really call her on it ... could he let his family know he'd rather they not encourage her contacting them?

kenzie · Chanel

Elle, you're right, I'm not afraid he'd cheat. You're exactly right with why I am uncomfortable. She text messages him and sometimes calls him on holidays, too.

I don't know that the family really talks to her other than just accepting her Facebook friend request. And I also (unfortunately) don't think he'll tell his family not to contact/respond to her.
He thinks it's harmless, but I disagree. That's why this is so frustrating because the contacts are getting more and more frequent even though he's not responding to them. But by not responding, he's saying, "hey, this is okay." And it's so not. And I hate that he makes me feel like I'm nuts for being upset.

Elle · Hermes

It isn't harmless if it makes you upset, and I think BF needs to acknowledge that.

How would he feel if your old boyfriend still called you on holidays, texted you, and was chummy with your mom?

She's being very careful it sounds like - slowly increasing her frequency to build up a tolerance and eventually force a response of some kind. She may not be over the official line of inappropriateness, depending, but she is most certainly headed directly for that line. And it sounds like she'd drag him across it with her, if she was able.

The longer this goes on the more intense she's going to get, and then the only way out will be confrontation. If BF wants to avoid that at all costs, the ball is in his court to make some subtle but definitive gestures to her to show his disinterest - like blocking her number in his phone so any future texts bounce. She's looking for some sort of feedback - it would be the most respectful thing (to her and you) to give her some now instead of leading her on.

kenzie · Chanel

Elle, that is a very insightful response. I may have to show it to the BF. Sometimes it takes an outside opinion for him to actually agree with what I say about things like this (yet another irritating scenario).

Elle · Hermes

kenzie wrote:

Elle, that is a very insightful response. I may have to show it to the BF. Sometimes it takes an outside opinion for him to actually agree with what I say about things like this (yet another irritating scenario).

We have this same scenario going on at our house

. Highly irritating!

Tati · Chanel

Oh hell no! He needs to drop all communication with her and her nutty parents! It's so disrespectful towards you! he would'nt like it one bit if the table was turned on him. He can't deny that. You are being to kind, you need to put your foot down. I know youre not worried about him cheating, but it a respect thing. Plus the little he's doing, in accepting her and her parents on Facebook, etc. In their mind its leading them on to thinking theres a chance something might/could happen.

nightshade · Nine West

I think guys are terrible pussies when it comes to confrontation. Easier to just sneak along saying No Big Deal to everyone and hope for the best. My DH would have a cotton kitten with a velvet tail if he ever had to tell someone to stop contacting us.

kenzie · Chanel

Tati wrote:

Oh hell no! He needs to drop all communication with her and her nutty parents! It's so disrespectful towards you! he would'nt like it one bit if the table was turned on him. He can't deny that. You are being to kind, you need to put your foot down. I know youre not worried about him cheating, but it a respect thing. Plus the little he's doing, in accepting her and her parents on Facebook, etc. In their mind its leading them on to thinking theres a chance something might/could happen.

Exactly! And that's what I've told him. He says it wouldn't bother him if the situation was reversed. Um. Yeah.

Elle, I'm glad situations like that aren't limited to my household. At least I know other men act like idiots when they need information verified by a third party.

nightshade, I agree! My bf is especially afraid of confrontation- almost to the point where it's detrimental to him.

-- Edited by kenzie at 16:20, 2009-03-04

Kincali · Dooney & Bourke

nightshade wrote:
I think guys are terrible pussies when it comes to confrontation. Easier to just sneak along saying No Big Deal to everyone and hope for the best. My DH would have a cotton kitten with a velvet tail if he ever had to tell someone to stop contacting us.

LMAO Nightshade! I agree with everyone, she is trying to wiggle in, and omg that she has dragged her family into this too. But I gotta say, I'm sick of guys being or pretending to be stupid to these slick sluts. I'm not sure if I could ignore it and hope for the best.

kenzie · Chanel

Kincali wrote:

nightshade wrote:
I think guys are terrible pussies when it comes to confrontation. Easier to just sneak along saying No Big Deal to everyone and hope for the best. My DH would have a cotton kitten with a velvet tail if he ever had to tell someone to stop contacting us.

LMAO Nightshade! I agree with everyone, she is trying to wiggle in, and omg that she has dragged her family into this too. But I gotta say, I'm sick of guys being or pretending to be stupid to these slick sluts. I'm not sure if I could ignore it and hope for the best.

HAHA! Slick sluts! Hilarious.

NCshopper · Hermes

I'm with everyone else. Highly inappropriate. I understand a guy's mentality that it's "well she contacted me! I didn't do anything wrong!," and yeah, to some extent that's true, but he's doing her a big disservice by going along with all of this. He needs to quietly remove her and her parents as his friend and not accept any more contact from her. He doesn't have to be confrontational, but he should respect your feelings and block her.

blink · Coach

nightshade wrote:

I think guys are terrible pussies when it comes to confrontation. Easier to just sneak along saying No Big Deal to everyone and hope for the best. My DH would have a cotton kitten with a velvet tail if he ever had to tell someone to stop contacting us.

This is SO true!

Sooo, I tried to think of this from the other side, from the point of view of an ex-girlfriend. I friended my HS ex-boyfriend the other day, I broke up with him in 1994 so obviously, there's a high degree of distance. Plus I have no romantic agenda, I just want to know what he's up to and facebook is a casual way to find out and say "hi," because I did love this guy and still do platonically, I care about him even if in spirit only.

After he accepted my friendship, he didn't send me any message, but I noticed he is "in a relationship." So because of that, I will not be contacting him out of respect for the girlfriend!! Should he chose to contact me and catch up, I would be happy to, but it's up to him.

My point is, this ex-girlfriend is really pushing her boundaries and behaving in a way I never would to an ex-boyfriend in a relationship. I honestly don't know that it's really neccessary for your boyfriend to confront her though! I think ignoring her speaks volumes and if he does say something to her, that's just going to give her the affirmation that SHE IS GETTING TO YOU. Do you want that? Because few guys will tell the ex-gf to back off unless it's because his girlfriend makes him.

I say just keep your chin up, laugh it off, you know he's yours and they can have him on facebook, but that's where it ends. You also know she's acting like a manipulator and wants attention...so don't give it to her.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

I don't recall how close he was to this chick... maybe he considers her a friend? Maybe he is downplaying how much contact he has with her just to downplay any drama?

I'm not saying he's cheating or has bad intentions but I find it hard to believe that she would just barge into his life like that, have her parents friend him, then invite him to everything without him giving her the feeling like that was OK.

Again, I'm not saying they're flirty but sometimes esp if people spent a long period of time together, maybe there are comments made like "Hows your dad doing" or "hey remember the time when.." that would be innocent yet make her feel like its perfectly ok to proceed.

Also have noticed that guys are HUGE on non-confrontation with women, esp if the alternative is feeling like he is wanted by 2 women even if he doesn't want the 1.

kenzie · Chanel

blink, it's extended beyond facebook- she text message, sends packages to our house (she found ticket stubs from concerts they went to and mailed them to him), has her parents invite him to parties via mail invites. She stopped text messaging him because he told her to stop. But the issue goes far beyond Facebook.

Xtina, they were never close friends before or after the breakup. This chick is seriously unhinged and always has been (so I've heard) and in this case, his non-response is encouraging her. She's the type of person who takes no response as a positive response. To get rid of her, she needs a negative, "leave me alone" type of response.

And when they were together, it was on-again/off-again. It was never stable because she's unstable.

Also- and I realized this last night when we were discussing it- she has never once stopped contacting him since they broke up (more than 6 years ago). For a good year/year and a half after they broke up, she contacted him on a regular basis because she wanted to get back together. Then he started dating me and that stopped, but she continued to contact him, asked to come to our house to visit him and the dog, called him on holidays, texting, etc. The calling and texting stopped, like I said before, but we still get things in the mail and obviously she's virtually stalking via Facebook at this point. She even felt the need to call him when she found out she was pregnant to whoever she was dating at the time (because she wanted to "share the good news"). Nutbag.

Honestly, I have an ex on my Facebook page, too, but the difference is he's not stalking me, trying to get back together with me, friending me, my family and friends and acting like a general nutcase. I haven't actually even had direct contact with messaging or anything with him since he's been on my friends list. Because I just don't care that much.

Obviously, chicky-girl ex-girlfriend isn't over my bf and she's acting like a nutbag about it. I have access to his account, so I know there haven't been any messages that I don't know about.

blink · Coach

She's obsessive, she's nutters and she's a total bugaboo!

But what can you do if it's all up to your boyfriend? I am going to assume you have told him how annoying this is and that HE really should make it crystal clear to her somehow that she needs to back off. How does one make it clear to someone who is already so delusional, that's the question.

Until then, here's to hoping she finds some other guy to obsess over!

Hmmm also, I think if I were you I would probably be researching some advice for how to handle stalkers. I remember reading a magazine article with advice about it, unfortunately, when you force them to leave you alone (like telling them in an upfront way, with restraining orders and going unlisted) they just find more covert ways to keep tabs. This is what I would be leary of should your boyfriend block her on facebook, know what I mean? She may not pose a physical threat, but she sure is sounding creepy enough to make me feel really violated if the situation worsens.

Anyway, yuck! This sucks to deal with.

kenzie · Chanel

blink wrote:

She's obsessive, she's nutters and she's a total bugaboo!

But what can you do if it's all up to your boyfriend? I am going to assume you have told him how annoying this is and that HE really should make it crystal clear to her somehow that she needs to back off. How does one make it clear to someone who is already so delusional, that's the question.

Until then, here's to hoping she finds some other guy to obsess over!

Hmmm also, I think if I were you I would probably be researching some advice for how to handle stalkers. I remember reading a magazine article with advice about it, unfortunately, when you force them to leave you alone (like telling them in an upfront way, with restraining orders and going unlisted) they just find more covert ways to keep tabs. This is what I would be leary of should your boyfriend block her on facebook, know what I mean? She may not pose a physical threat, but she sure is sounding creepy enough to make me feel really violated if the situation worsens.

Anyway, yuck! This sucks to deal with.

Bugaboo! Ha!

Yes, I agree with you. On all points. There really isn't anything I can do at this point.

Again, thanks for letting me vent.